30 Days of submission: Day 12

Do you include financial submission within the definition of your own submission and if yes, how does it manifest itself? If no, is there a particular reason why? Are you familiar with the concepts of financial submission? Do you have an opinion about financial submission in general?

No.  No.  Yes.  Not for me. 

I like to give gifts.  I have never been with a woman that would have asked this of me.  I could see myself giving up control of finances if that was a suitable/wise option in a long-term relationship (e.g. marriage), but I have not been in a relationship that would have worked in for a very long time.  

I guess I just don't like the idea that the "quality" of my submission is measured in dollars rather than in love, devotion, obedience, and trust.

30 Days of Kink: Day 12

Tell us about a humorous BDSM/kink experience you’ve had. If you haven’t had one, talk about aspects of kink/BDSM you find funny.

Oh joy.  I have a handful of these.  While I thought about going with a more tame one I'm going to go ahead and go with numero uno by a wide margin.  Funny this post is happening on April 1st, but no joke, this actually happened.

If you are squeamish and get grossed out easily you may want to stop here.  If you can laugh at things that are fairly disgusting, by all means, keep reading.  I can't recall if I ever blogged about this before.

In my time between K and F I played with a sub/switch named C for about six weeks.  Her friend/roommate had actually contacted me about my collarme ad and while I was "too submissive" for her friend, C took an interest in me and offered to "train me" until I found someone knew.

C was a very nice young woman but one day at my apartment I found out a secret.  She was a front wiper.  As in, wipes back to front.  This is kind of a no no for women in the hygiene department. 

We were in my apartment.  I was chained down to the bed naked, spread eagle, with locking restraints, and a collar on.  C had spent the last hour or so exploring my body with her hands, mouth, and a crop.  It was a nice time.  At this point she dropped her panties and mounted my face. C did not ever shave her pubic hair.  I was okay with that.  She eased herself down onto my face and I went to work with my lips and tongue.  I liked to use a technique where I form a gentle suction with my lips over the clit and so on (if you read fs01 you have seen it described in detail).  I'm going, she's moaning and swaying, and all of a sudden this taste enters my mouth that is just foul beyond belief. 

It took a fraction of a second to realize that some dried poop had been on her pubes near her clit and was now in my mouth... and I'm chained to the bed on my back.  My body reacted on its own as my gag reflex went on red alert and I vomited into my mouth.  Not wanting to make a mess, I didn't let it escape and swallowed it back down.  But the gag reflex was still in effect and I got stuck in a cycle of vomiting and swallowing over and over again, frantically trying 1. not to blow chunks all over the room and 2. not to drown.  It didn't take long for the vomit to enter my nasal cavity and begin going into my lungs.  

This continued for what felt like a decade... but was probably about 10 seconds of intense misery, shit in my mouth and drowning on regurgitations.  I finally got it under control and the cycle stopped.  I immediately burst out screaming and sobbing.  

She unlocked me and I went and got a drink and rinsed my mouth.  She asked if I was okay.  I responded that I was fine and that I think I got food poisoning from something I ate.  I then requested if we could play a bit in the shower. 

It took me FIVE YEARS for my body to not go all PTSD and gag when performing cunnilingus.  This was super disappointing because I had always LOVED the smell of a woman's sex.  I still struggle with anxiety when going down and once I get into it my blood-pressure stabilizes and everything ends up okay.  

By now I'm sure at least some of you thought you weren't squeamish but now discovered that you actually are, I strongly suggest investing in some:

Women Owned

T brought some snacks home and as I was eating them I noticed this logo on the package:

Somewhere inside of me I felt a voice crying out to me wondering it would be like to have that on a T-shirt or a tattoo or something.  Might change it from Women to Woman, but hrm. 

30 Days of submission: Day 11

Do you include service as a part of your expectations of your submission? 

Yes, I find it difficult to picture a lifestyle D/s relationship without it.

How do you define service? 

I've never tried to define it directly.  What I write next may be inadequate but I will do my best.

I would define service as acts provided for the benefit or pleasure of the Domme that do not provide direct pleasure for the sub.  e.g. sex provides sexual pleasure and physical intimacy for both parties, so it would not qualify as service.  

Giving a Domme a pedicure provides her with a benefit but it does not give the sub "pleasure" in a traditional sense (unless they are a foot fetishist).  The pleasures the sub derives from giving the pedicure, such as feeling useful and being happy to please her are ancillary and not the intended goal of the action.  This would make the pedicure a service. 

Under this definition service can cover a variety of types of acts including domestic tasks, pampering/waiting on, and sexual act that are performed strictly for her benefit. 

What does it mean to you?

This hits on so many levels.

Service is a means of showing my love and devotion to her.

Service is a measure of my effort and attitude.  Performing my tasks to a high standard, in an appropriate amount of time, and with proper enthusiasm reflects upon my quality as a submissive.

Domestic service is my role.  The thought of her having to perform mundane, tedious, and unpleasant tasks, pains me.  

My domestic service gives her more pleasurable leisure time to enjoy herself, so it directly contributes to her happiness.  

Personal and sexual service are a privilege where I am permitted to give her direct pleasure through my actions. 

I could keep going but this will eventually get boring.

 

30 Days of Kink: Day 11

What are your views on the ethics of kink?

Wow, this is an interesting one.  I've never actually thought about this as a topic directly before.

I'm of a split mind on this topic, mostly because I think that there are a lot of people who are capable of getting in over their heads by under-estimating what they are capable of consenting to while aroused and over-estimating what they are personally capable of handling.  Am I arrogant for thinking this?

In general, I agree with the SSC (safe, sane, consensual) line of BDSM ethics.  I think this works as a firm guideline for "most people" and their quest to explore kink in a manner that provides them with protection from potential dangers, pitfalls, and predators.  If someone violates your trust, stay away from them.

DISCLAIMER: The following ideas are my own personal views on the type of relationship I would desire and would be okay with living.  I do not recommend them for mass consumption and give this serious consideration if you do wish to go down this path. 

When it comes to long-term monogamous D/s relationships I tend to have a different set of beliefs.  I only follow these upon a few guiding principles:

1. Both Domme and sub accept their roles with consent.
2. The Domme cares about the sub's overall well-being.
3. Both parties are dedicated to being in the relationship for the long-haul.   
4. Common sense rules apply.  (These are covered under 2 and 3).
5. There is adequate time and experience to build trust and knowledge of the other person. 
6. There are times when communication is open for both parties.

Under these condition things change quite a bit.  Her word is law.  The sub is the one to compromise.  Limits are only a suggestion.  Her pleasure is what matters, whether that is reciprocated is at her discretion.  She commands and he obeys is fair.  Safewords are optional and at her discretion.  This list is far from complete but I think you can get the basic idea of it.

This style takes a large leap of faith on the part of the sub but it places the bulk of the burden on the Domme since she becomes responsible for keeping the relationship on track both with dynamics and monitoring the sub's well-being.

A widdle bit o fur

It seems like it has been a slow blog day overall.  Pinterest helps cure the boredom.

This is hot.

30 Days of submission: Day 10

Does any element of BDSM occur as a part of your submissive relationships? 

It's so easy to write in-depth responses to vague questions. Oops, I meant sarcastic responses.

It has.  Bondage, discipline, and D/s occur regularly. 

How do you feel about BDSM? Is it core to your submission, peripheral or non-existent (other than the submission part)?

I seriously don't understand how to answer this.  I will type words and hopefully come to something.

Kinky stuff is good.

Symbols like collars are nice.

Bondage and discipline help display power.

I like cake.

I don't think the kinky aspects are absolutely necessary, but generally I have enjoyed them and the Dommes I have been with have enjoyed them too.

So, yes.  

30 Days of Kink: Day 10

What are your hard limits?

A lot of these are standard fare common sense but I have to say my current list is tiny compared to what it was when I entered the lifestyle.

No animals, no children, nothing illegal. 

No permanent physical damage.  

Nothing life ruining that would prevent things in the future like getting a job, finding a place to live, etc. 

No scat.

Nothing that will prevent me from practicing proper hygiene (e.g. brushing teeth, bathing, wiping after #2). 

No sexual contact with other men or their bodily fluids.

As things are, nothing that would prevent me from fulfilling my daily life obligations as a human.  (e.g. going to work, paying bills, etc.).

I may have missed a couple of things.  I will add to them if I think of anything.  I used to keep a running list somewhere but generally speaking I only get involved with people that share the common sense limits.  I have some "medium" limits and those would be considered "hard limit unless discussed first."  I used to consider soft limits like that as well, but over the years I have discovered that having soft limits pressed or flat out broken can sometimes do some wonderful things for my subspace. 

Rules as a Form of Communication

I received some comments on my Wordpress posting of submission Day 9 and in the exchange I realized that I said something that was a new thought to me.  It's not really a ground-breaking epiphany or anything but I wanted to put it out there as I haven't really seen it portrayed this way either.

So much is made in D/s (and BDSM as a whole) about communication between both parties.  Talk.  Share your feelings.  Find mutual understandings.  Make sure everyone is happy.  This is definitely important and knowing that communication is possible is one of the cornerstones of trust in this lifestyle.

However, I've always felt the deeper that you go into D/s, the more the scales tip in her favor, the greater the disparity in status between Domme and sub, the less that the "traditional" forms of communication occur.  While the Domme may grill the sub, putting him under the spotlight and force him to spill his deepest thoughts and the secrets from his heart, the dynamics do not call for this to go both ways.

The leader does not have to explain herself to her subordinates.  The leader has the vision and the master plan.  The subordinates fill their roles, making that plan come to fruition.  This is so similar in that there are times when a sub's specialized talents and abilities will be put to use and they may appear to be "in control" of this aspect.  It is probably wise to let a submissive investment banker handle the monetary investments.  This does not make him in control, it merely puts his talents to use in the best way possible.

The Domme is the one with the vision of the life.  She holds the master plan.  Once a comfort level has been reached and he has been trained, there is a lesser need for her to share with him what is going on in her mind.  In fact, it better preserves the dynamics if he doesn't understand some of what she sees in her vision.  The sub has already agreed to trust her with his care.

As dynamics grow stricter, it also seems natural for the Domme to become more secretive, mysterious, and less revealing with her intentions.

I'm guessing right now there are at least a few people wanting to blow a whistle and shout "STOP!  You're saying there should be less communication?  Lay off the crack pipe, dude."

I do have a response to this.  I do not believe that communication should stop, I merely believe that many of the ways a Domme communicates to the sub will change as the relationship evolves.  When it comes to major, life-altering changes, yes, there probably should be a serious discussion with an honest back and forth dialogue between both parties.  These are generally few and far between.

When it comes to lesser-decisions, this is one of the ways that the communication form changes the most.  As a Domme becomes more dominant, she almost inevitably adds more rules to the relationship.  After giving it some thought, I tend to believe that rules are one the most complete forms of communication possible in a D/s relationship.  Although indirect, rules say so much as they state an expectation, give it importance, and imply a consequence. 

I know early on in D/s relationships it is common to negotiate and talk about rules, the reasons behind them, punishments, and the like.  This also seems to get less common the deeper you get.  After say, 5 or 10 years it isn't uncommon for a rule to be added and not talked about because he has no say in it so his opinion on it doesn't really matter and she doesn't feel the need to justify herself for adding it.

I still think that is communication... it's just done in a different way.

For those who might disagree, I'm guessing that at some point you have been in a situation where you failed to meet an unspoken expectation and been passive-aggressively punished for it.  When you compare the two, communicating through rules seems clear as day.

Also, if anyone wants to go, "dude, we already knew this like, forever ago," feel free to berate me in comments as I was late to the party and this is a new way for me to think about an old topic.

30 Days of submission: Day 9

Do you accept and/or expect structure, rules and limits as a part of your submission? 

Contextually speaking, "limits" seems like limits on behavior and not "hard or soft limits" so I will answer it from what makes more sense.

I accept and thrive under structure, rules, and limits.  The more clear they are, the better I do to comply.  As for expecting them, I understand that providing and enforcing rules/structure, and limits takes effort on the Domme's part so the extent to which she wants to provide and enforce them is something that I also accept.

 

How do you feel about them?

The way I see it, the better I am able to be what she wants me to be and make her happy, the happier we both are.  The more time and effort that she is willing to invest in providing and enforcing rules, the more that I feel she cares for me in ensuring that I am what pleases her.  

I do not expect her to bring about rules that she does not enjoy monitoring or enforcing as this violates one of the principles of the relationship.  

That being said, the stricter the rules and harsher the punishments, the deeper I fall into subspace and the more devoted, obedient, and loving I become.

30 Days of Kink: Day 9

Post a kink related song or music video you enjoy. Describe why it works for you.

Umm.  This is the only kink-related song that came to mind for me.  It doesn't really do it for me but it is a fond memory of my place in the indie music scene in the 90's.  This is a throwback from 1994.

My Healing Process

I didn't receive much in the way of comments on my post What I bring to a D/s relationship AKA My Thoughts on D/s and Depression Part 2 but a few people did contact me privately, kind of a "holy crap, that must have hurt" type of way.

As I've written about in the past couple of weeks, I am healing up from emotional wounds at the moment.  This is sort of the last few stages in my healing process: floundering, reaching out, desperation, self-consciousness, tearing it all down, rebuilding.

I try to always be my own harshest critic and I try not to tip-toe around myself.  Putting it out there in the bluntest way possible is the easiest way for me to try to heal from it.  Until I see the issues for what they really are, there's no way to move past them. Other people might have a healthier way of going about this.  This is the one I choose for myself.

On the upside, since writing that post out I'm feeling a lot better.  My footing is more sturdy.  I feel a lot better about who I am and my place in this world.  The people who have commented on my other posts and/or reached out in some way have all helped with this.  I tend to trust outside, objective eyes better than I trust my own on this front.

I'm thinking about why it is that I feel the need to share all of this.  I suppose that part of it is because this is my first time going through this whole process while continuing to blog.  In years past I would have just left the internet until I was through this, possibly giving a status update here and there.  

I hope that I didn't weird anyone out or put people off with the past week.  I had always been hesitant to let people see this side because I didn't want people to feel I was weak. 

Now that my emotions seem firmly in order again I hope to resume some blogging that is more consistent with how I have written over the course of this blog... talking about ideas... fiction, and the like.

Take care and thank you for reading.

30 Days of submission: Day 8

Is spanking or corporal punishment a part of your submission? Why or why not?

Yes.  It has taken upon various roles and functions within my relationships.

-Behavioral correction.
-Regular maintenance to remind me of my place.
-Depression maintenance.  It brings me to a better mind state.
-Philosophical reasons.  If hitting me brings her pleasure and the focus of the relationship is on her pleasure, then hitting me at any time "because she wants to" is fair game.

I endure this because it falls within my principles as a sub but it also takes me to my most vulnerable state.  The way she communicates to me while I am helpless and at her mercy resonates deeply within my heart and the intimacy of the moment and its aftercare are full of love and warmth.

30 Days of Kink: Day 8

Post a kinky image you find erotic. Briefly describe what arouses you most in the image.

 

 

I've loved this image since I first saw it (originally I saw a crop of it that was mostly the heads/faces).  One of the obvious draws to this is that it immediately draws on my attraction to women in fur and gloves.  Going deeper, the look in his eyes shows a delicious mix of fear and adoration.  "I am afraid but I am so happy to see you."  

In general, it is the "story" of the scene that flows through my head that arouses me the most.

The way she looks down at him is almost like she's inspecting him to see if he has endured enough to deserve her contact.  He suffers bound and naked in the cold rain.  She'll keep him there until he's ready.  Not quite ripe, maybe one more day.

To feel owned to such an extent drives my subspace into a frenzy.

A hat tip to Sardax for making such wonderful artwork.

Thoughts on 30 days - Need opinions

So...

It appears that these 30 days posts are actually doing quite a good job of absorbing my cravings to write and they work out nicely for scheduling them in advance.  Basically, they keep me from making posts I regret later on when I grasp at straws trying to come up with something interesting. 

Another noteworthy aspect is that I am revealing more about my present personal self in a different way than I really have before. 

My question is to the readers:  Do you find these interesting at all or would you rather me scrap them?

I know I have received comments on a handful but I can't tell if this is something people are genuinely interested in or not.

Any input would be much appreciated.

30 Days of submission: Day 7

Do you accept and/or expect discipline or punishments as a part of your submission? 

Yes.

How do you feel about it?

I don't care for pain but I accept it as a teaching tool.  It has purpose on multiple fronts.

I want to be perfect for her and hope that she believes in me enough to expect the best from me.  Not all of my habits are exactly as I would like them to be.  My attitude isn't always what I want it to be.  If pain can make me better for her then I willingly accept it.

Secondly, I feel guilty when I have disappointed her.  VERY guilty.  It eats me up inside guilty.  Punishment helps purge the guilt from my system.  It is my penance and it is how I earn forgiveness.  This allows me to let it go and move on from it and returns me to a better mental place.  

So... I guess you could say that I dislike the act but like what it does. 

30 Days of Kink: Day 7

What’s your favourite toy or item of equipment?

As much as I had wished there was a collar of significance and meaning that I could put here, having a thick neck limits practical options.  

The next up would have to be the Rabbit lined cuff set from Midnight Blues.

They are incredibly soft and feel amazing.  In addition to that they are high quality and offer a number of good features, such as some velcro that helps hold them in place so that you can easily put them on yourself and of course, locking buckles.  They are sized to fit adults of either gender.  

R, are you out there?

I was wondering if anyone had heard from R (aka eMssub) from the blog Apprivoiser-moi lately.

Our contact went dark at the end of the summer.  I know they had relocated and were having internet troubles but now that the blog has gone private I'm worried it could be something more serious.  If anyone has heard from R or Em since late Summer 2016, please let me know.  I just want to make sure they are doing okay.

What I bring to a D/s relationship AKA My Thoughts on D/s and Depression Part 2

My post on D/s and depression brought up some strong reactions.  The concerns are very valid and It seems a follow-up post is in order to address them.  On a side note, the author that wrote the original post I was responding to made a follow-up clarification post... which I am still not happy with as citing specifics and general cases aren't great when it comes to making generalized statements.

The first bit I want to elaborate on is my own behavior when it comes to my damage and depression.  To make it easier, I will separate the two.

Damage = The nagging issues at the core of my being that have to do with abuse, abandonment, and the like.  These are fairly burned into my core and there's no true fix that I have been able to do within myself to change that.  e.g. I am a minority and have been treated differently due to my race, so it is nearly impossible to see myself as anything but different.  Becoming white or moving to Asia are probably the only "fixes" for this.

Depression = The fluctuation of my mood cycle due to brain chemicals.  This can be triggered by winter and/or times when my damage gets brought to the surface.  e.g. if T makes me feel despised and rejected, it tends to flare up for a bit.

One topic that was brought up was the idea that a sub who needs the Domme to assist with their depression puts an undo burden on her.

My response to this is, yes, that is true.  I'm broken.  I'm battered.  I carry a trailer full of baggage.  I am a burden.  I am flawed.  This diminishes my value.  It makes me lesser.  It makes me undeserving and unworthy.  She deserves better than me.  She deserves someone that is whole and isn't nearly as fucked up as me.  I am a piece of trash that feels lucky when someone realizes I can still be useful in some way.  It hurts like hell to know that this is absolutely true.

However, I don't accept this knowledge lying down.  My persona was born out of over-compensation.  I'm not pretty enough, I'm too short, I'm chubby, and I'm different.  My entire state of existent is based around overcoming inadequacies, shortcomings, and flaws.  There are certain things I can't change and others that I constantly struggle with.

I have to be the absolute best in every way that I can be in order to make up for all of the shitty, weak, and terrible parts of myself.  I love wholeheartedly and completely.  I display my vulnerability openly.  I share the deepest parts of my soul.  I place myself at her disposal.  My devotion and loyalty will know no bounds.  I will accept any and every limit, standard, and expectation she places upon me.  I will be perfect for her or die trying.  This is what I must do in order to make up for every way in which I am lacking.

This is the only way I know how to go about things.  This is the way that I love.

I battle my depression like a trained warrior.  I face it head on, fighting tooth and nail even though I am outmatched.  I do not falter unless it strikes a mortal blow.  In this state I reach out for help to the one I love.  There are roughly 6 weeks a year where I struggle in this way.  6 weeks where I fail to be the person that I want to be.  6 weeks where I am a burden.  6 weeks where I hate myself for lacking the tools to defeat this unwanted invader.  Leaning on her is unfair to her.  I know this, and I am sorry.  For 6 weeks I could use a few additional tasks per day, an extra beating here and there, and a lot of love for me to stay on track.  Knowing that I require this makes me feel needy as hell (and guilty about it).

I hope that my compensation is enough to make up for it.

My damage is a different story.  It's a tricky one to describe so I'll just lay it out there.  The holes in my heart that are the source of fears... are easily filled by her presence in my life.  If my damage makes me fear being unlovable, receiving her love fills that hole and proves those fears wrong.  The demons I associate with my damage are completely silent when every irrational fear is proven wrong by the presence of the one I love.  The fix happens automatically and doesn't require any additional effort than what is already there. 

The downside is that the fix is not permanent.  The holes stay filled as long as she is there.  If she leaves me (permanently), the parts that she had given me that filled in those holes are ripped away, leaving them open and empty.  I'm able to stave off the demons for a little while... when the memories are fresh I don't believe their words.  Over time, the memories fade and the demons once more have their way with me.  This whole process still makes me feel needier than I want to be.  And yes, I feel guilt over it.

Beating the shit out of myself for all of this is something I do regularly.  It reminds me just how hard I have to work all the time every single day in order to be someone that is acceptable as a life partner. 

This brings me to the last, but most important part of this post. 

What do I bring to the relationship that makes this a fair and adequate trade off?  To be honest, I'm not sure I can ever be enough to make up for my inadequacies, so I will simply state what I try to do.

I want to be her everything.  Anything and everything she could ever want, hope for, dream of, fantasize about, or need, I want to be that.  I want to give that to her.  I want to be so amazing that she would never want anyone else but me.  This is hard.  I humble myself and throw away my limits to make this happen.  I hurt and I struggle and I suffer to make this happen.  I love her so much I feel like my heart will burst and I show this to her.  I study every action, ever expression, every line on her face, every breath she takes, and every slightest twitch of her body.  I memorize everything and work to understand what it means.  I will do anything to make her smile.  I will do everything to make her feel my love for her.  I will remind her of every part about her that is special.  I will show her just how lucky I feel to be in her presence.

This is my obsession.  I consider it a healthy obsession.  She is my Queen, my Goddess, my entire world, the love of my life, and my reason for existence.  Her will is the law, the natural order, the focal point of my life, and the most important thing in the entire world.

I will be her lover, her protector/guardian, her servant, her best friend, her support pillar, her confidante, her jester, her life companion, her whipping boy, her personal chef, her masseuse, her sex toy, and her maid.  I want to be anything she could ever desire.  I want to give my all.  I want to give all of myself.  I want to love with no bounds. 

I want to give her every feeling she wishes to have.  I want to show her every ounce of love in the world.  I will move mountains to see her smile.

Unfortunately, there are some limits to this.  I'll never be 6'5" with a 12" dick.  But, I'm not too proud to stand on a step-stool and wear a male strap-on if that's what it takes.  If she needs something that only someone else could provide... as much as it hurts me to do so, I would permit that as well.

Is this really a fair trade off?  Probably not.  But I hope... and I hope... and I hope... because this is the best that I can do and I hope it is enough for her.

MacGyvering blog posts and comments

I can always tell if my head is fully clear or not when writing blog posts and blog comments based upon whether or not I am able to include every point I would like to make.

Unfortunately when my head is feeling cloudy or my emotions are feeling blocked I have a tendency to MacGyver it. 

If you aren't familiar with MacGyver, it was an 80's TV show where the main character was some kind of bodyguardish type guy who was an ex-military ops force that could kill people all super ninja-stealth with strands of his own hair.  In the show he would inevitably be faced with some obstacle that would require his elite problem solving skills and he would take a bottle of bleach, a roll of duct tape, a swiss army knife, a tin can, four granola bars, and an old boot and turn them into tje TNT that was needed to blow up the boulder that had inexplicably trapped them in some cave and left for death.

If you took a science or chemistry class between say, 1987 and 1996, you probably had some nerdy teacher go on a 10+ minute guy crush on MacGyver, since as they would explain to us in detail, the show was always 95% accurate in their creations, always leaving out just one critical ingredient that would do it for real, thus saving the network millions of dollars in potential lawsuits when little Billy blew off his hands imitating MacGyver. 

If you are familiar with using MacGyver as a verb in the real world, it usually references making thorough and creative use of what is at your disposal to do an effective job.  It is a good thing.

When I reference MacGyver as a verb in the blogosphere, it means the unintentional omission of one critical ingredient that would make the post or comments wholly thorough and effective.  I've been MacGyvering a lot lately.  Hopefully the clouds will clear away soon.

Writing Prompt Success and Other Thoughts

Well, I have to say that the 30 days prompts are helping to give me topics to blog about instead of trying to force things when "I want to write but don't have ideas."  I will look into some others once I hit the end.  I already have the next few days scheduled to go in advance.  It is nice being able to schedule posts as my feelings on these topics aren't prone to shifting like they are on some of my post content.

As for my fiction readers... I am feeling closer to getting back to fs01.  I left things hanging but I have been blocked from channeling my inner-fs.  I was able to get into his headspace last night a bit so there is a good chance I will be resuming that soon.

Also, I realize I'm making a rather daunting number of blog entries each day.  For this to make sense, it is probably wise of me to share that right now, writing is my primary hobby.  While other people might focus on golf, watching the NCAA tournament, or the like... I have been finding in my downtime that all I want to do is write.  These waves come and go but I'm currently riding one that has me feeling rather motivated.

Take care.

30 Days of submission: Day 6

What do you feel are the roots of your submission? Do you think it has something to do with childhood? 

I will answer these together as they are strongly linked.  The sexual connection likely stems back to M's bondage games and the fact that I idealized her as the girl who noticed me and made me feel wanted and this fueled my masturbation during the first half of my life.  

The emotional side of submission comes from a bit darker place.  Abandonment issues.  Physical/emotional abuse.  Racism.  Being rejected by nearly every vanilla woman I ever fell for.  Over the years all of these factors managed to shatter my psyche and my confidence.  I felt like I wasn't someone who was deserving of love and that no one would ever want me.  My means of coping was to change myself and I set a goal to actualize the characteristics of the "perfect lover."  If I could become this, I felt someone would find me worth loving.  

My view of the perfect lover was chivalrous and attentive.  Loving, caring, and able to express emotions freely.  They understand what makes a woman tick and put tremendous efforts in making her feel cherished, special, and like she is the most important thing in the world.  They give without thought of receiving anything in return.  This is who I wanted to be and trained myself to embrace these ideals and adopt this train of thought.  

K was the first to tell me I was submissive.  Since this state was me over-compensating for my shortcomings, I consider that to be the root of it all. 

Is it a relationship management tool as in the practice of domestic discipline? 

I believe D/s is a relationship management tool in a lot of ways.  I grew up in a VERY passive aggressive household where the common means of emotional interaction was to hen peck others with unspoken expectations and criticize them when they failed to meet them.  

In the area I live in, the passive-aggressive approach is the STANDARD means of interaction between people in relationships.  

D/s is a godsend to me because the expectations AND consequences are clear as day.  It removes the painful guessing game and constant erosion of self-esteem and makes both parties happier.  

Is it a sexual thrill or something else?

It is sexual, but not purely sexual.  For me, D/s is rooted in love first and foremost.  While many aspects of D/s arouse me, I don't do it simply for the arousal or sexual side.  It is something that feels genuinely right for me to live out and I am happier in it.  It does also lead to great sex and that is part of it, so I would say it is a mix of both sexual and something else.  When it feels good in the heart and in the loins, that is a pretty good overall feeling.

30 Days of Kink: Day 6

Describe your weirdest/most interesting sexual fantasy.

Ugh.  I really really really don't want to write this.  I really really really really don't want to write this.  I'd rather hide under the bed and pretend this prompt doesn't exist.

I've written about it hundreds of times in my fiction, so this should be easy... except it's not fiction this time and I actually have to claim it's about me.  No point in chickening out now.  Hell, I have lived it, so what's the big deal, right?  Actually, I'm less embarrassed by writing a personal fantasy compared to fearing that someone will read this and think I'm a wanker.  So be it.


My weirdest fantasy is to be the servant of the woman I love and serve.  She will be strict and cruel, choosing my serving uniform, controlling my behavior, and disciplining me when necessary.  My attitude, enthusiasm, and obedience will be under constant scrutiny.  I will be kept busy and over-worked, both with waiting on her hand and foot pampering her, as well as taking care of every mundane task and chore.  I must respond to her beck and call immediately, and just because she gives me a current order, it does not excuse me from completing my "standing list" of things to get done.  e.g. if she has me take a break from cleaning to rub her feet for an hour, the cleaning still has to get done, I just have an hour less to complete it in. 

Perfection is expected.  Punishment makes perfect.  It would be a life filled with ultimate focus upon her yet driven with an underlying fear.  She may choose to make things more difficult, adding restraints or rules that limit me even further.  Chastity would ensure that I stay frustrated and keep me from getting distracted.  There is no praise, no please, and no thank yous.  I do my job under the knowledge that it is my role and that there is an overall appreciation for my place in the relationship. 

This might not seem like a sexual fantasy, but it arouses me quite a bit.  I'm also aware that this requires a lot of work on the Domme's part, so I file this under fantasy as it isn't something that appeals to all.  In my experiences this is very feasible over say, a weekend, but not all Dommes desire to put forth the diligence and effort in maintaining it over the long-run, and I understand that.  I'm just saying, if I have a fantasy, it is this.