So I drew the meeting that will be the next set of drawings that I do.
Saturday, December 17, 2011
Humiliation Boutique - Next Series
I know that I said I'd be taking a break but it's 3am and I can't sleep...
So I drew the meeting that will be the next set of drawings that I do.
So I drew the meeting that will be the next set of drawings that I do.
Slave Competition Game #5 - Gladiator Battles
This is another game idea for Lady Grey's post, Roadblocks.
This one is a bit on the comical side but may provide a good laugh.
Needs:
Carton of eggs
Bondage belt
Pair of wrist restraints
Pair of ankle restraints (or rope)
A 4-6" chain (not needed if rope is used)
Jock strap (or snug fitting underwear like tighty whities or panties)
A pair of foam bats and/or foam noodles (that are used for floating in a pool)
A 30 second timer to ensure a fast and frantic pace
Directions:
Lock each wrist restraint to opposite sides of the belt.
Lock a chain between the ankle restraints (or secure the ankles together with rope with 4-6" of give).
Place an egg inside front of the jock strap.
Version 1: Fencing
Place a foam bat in the sub's non-dominant hand.
Start the subs 6' away from each other.
Start the timer.
The first sub to break the other sub's egg wins.
If time expires with neither egg broken, both receive a loss.
If both eggs get broken simultaneously, both receive a loss.
If a sub breaks the egg just by moving, without being struck by the opponent's bat, he receives a loss and should have his ass beaten.
All subs will face off against each other once. The subs with the most wins will face off in the finals.
Version 2: Jousting
Place a foam noodle in the sub's non-dominant hand.
Start the subs 10-12' away from each other.
Start the timer.
The first sub to break the other sub's egg wins.
If time expires with neither egg broken, both receive a loss.
If both eggs get broken simultaneously, both receive a loss.
If a sub breaks the egg just by moving, without being struck by the opponent's noodle, he receives a loss and should have his ass beaten.
All subs will face off against each other once. The subs with the most wins will face off in the finals.
Variants:
-You could do both fencing and jousting to see who is the "top" gladiator.
-If any sub goes win-less they could have a special penalty punishment (such as cleaning up the eggs and/or a beating).
-If any sub goes undefeated there might be a special reward... but "representing" for his Mistress and going undefeated is a reward in its own right.
-A well-placed clothes pin or two might make them move even faster.
You could probably go without the restraints but I have a feeling that the shuffling around with their ankles bound and being unable to swing the "weapons" with their arms will force them to get closer and flail wildly. The timer is somewhat unnecessary but will prevent anyone from "turtle-ing" and going in backwards, since if no one wins, they both lose.
It's not quite as devious as the ball parachute game but who doesn't like seeing people bash each other in the nuts with nerf bats, especially if it squirts egg all over their junk?
This one is a bit on the comical side but may provide a good laugh.
Needs:
Carton of eggs
Bondage belt
Pair of wrist restraints
Pair of ankle restraints (or rope)
A 4-6" chain (not needed if rope is used)
Jock strap (or snug fitting underwear like tighty whities or panties)
A pair of foam bats and/or foam noodles (that are used for floating in a pool)
A 30 second timer to ensure a fast and frantic pace
Directions:
Lock each wrist restraint to opposite sides of the belt.
Lock a chain between the ankle restraints (or secure the ankles together with rope with 4-6" of give).
Place an egg inside front of the jock strap.
Version 1: Fencing
Place a foam bat in the sub's non-dominant hand.
Start the subs 6' away from each other.
Start the timer.
The first sub to break the other sub's egg wins.
If time expires with neither egg broken, both receive a loss.
If both eggs get broken simultaneously, both receive a loss.
If a sub breaks the egg just by moving, without being struck by the opponent's bat, he receives a loss and should have his ass beaten.
All subs will face off against each other once. The subs with the most wins will face off in the finals.
Version 2: Jousting
Place a foam noodle in the sub's non-dominant hand.
Start the subs 10-12' away from each other.
Start the timer.
The first sub to break the other sub's egg wins.
If time expires with neither egg broken, both receive a loss.
If both eggs get broken simultaneously, both receive a loss.
If a sub breaks the egg just by moving, without being struck by the opponent's noodle, he receives a loss and should have his ass beaten.
All subs will face off against each other once. The subs with the most wins will face off in the finals.
Variants:
-You could do both fencing and jousting to see who is the "top" gladiator.
-If any sub goes win-less they could have a special penalty punishment (such as cleaning up the eggs and/or a beating).
-If any sub goes undefeated there might be a special reward... but "representing" for his Mistress and going undefeated is a reward in its own right.
-A well-placed clothes pin or two might make them move even faster.
You could probably go without the restraints but I have a feeling that the shuffling around with their ankles bound and being unable to swing the "weapons" with their arms will force them to get closer and flail wildly. The timer is somewhat unnecessary but will prevent anyone from "turtle-ing" and going in backwards, since if no one wins, they both lose.
It's not quite as devious as the ball parachute game but who doesn't like seeing people bash each other in the nuts with nerf bats, especially if it squirts egg all over their junk?
State of Being, State of Self
I'm not sure exactly where this is going to go but I've been thinking a lot tonight...
If you didn't know I was "into the lifestyle" and met me on vanilla terms, there's a good chance that you would think that I am defined by my hobbies and interests. I have roughly 6-8 hobbies and past-times that I tend to cycle through every 6 months or so. I almost always return to the hobbies and for that period of time it often dominates my focus and it seems to be what I want to talk about, want to do, and so on.
There have been times throughout my life where I wasn't seen as "relationship material" because of this. The woman couldn't see how I could focus on them when I have such serious hobbies. They thought I would be like the types who vanish to the garage or basement and don't surface for anything besides meals, the bathroom, and sleeping. Where I have commonly been misunderstood is that my hobbies were a substitute for the meaning that wasn't there. It was an interesting way to pass the time when I didn't have someone to give my love and my all to.
Throughout the course of my life I have had pretty bad luck with relationships. If I went on a date, we would become friends and not a relationship. If a relationship started to bud with a shy girl, she would reject me for being too open about my feelings. If a relationship started to bud with a girl and I would hold back, she would reject me for not being affectionate enough. I was lucky enough to really connect with a couple of women and had circumstances tear us apart. Those meetings were rather rare and far between.
During the long down times I found that if I tried my hardest to find a relationship, it would never happen. If I would sit back and wait for "opportunity" to strike, it would never happen. Dumb luck has always been the deciding factor for me in terms of success and failure. I still see myself as awkward and I don't really have a lot of confidence in terms of finding relationships. I know deep down I have the capacity to make a woman happy, be it D/s or vanilla, but at the same time, I don't know if I will be given the opportunity to "shine."
I think this is partly (if not mostly) why I fight so desperately to keep relationships together. Things changed a little bit when I entered the lifestyle. It was talking about thoughts on love and relationships that got me into the lifestyle. During a conversation with a woman-friend about what I thought a perfect guy would be like in a relationship and how I wanted to "be that guy," she looked at me and flat out said, "you're a submissive." She became my first Mistress.
For the first time in my life, life made sense. My brain is of the nature that creates a lot of "white noise" in my daily life. Lots of nagging issues, worries, and stress. I can only think of four things that have ever granted me freedom from that noise: playing on stage with a rock band, getting drunk out of my mind, getting high out of my mind, and submission. I haven't played in a band in years and I gave up drugs and alcohol many years ago... so that leaves me with only one option... and luckily, that option is the sustainable one.
For some reason I seem to have done pretty well with this. I'm not quite sure how or why I seem to finally succeed somewhere. Is it because I had the mentality before I developed the kink? My first Mistress described it that "my head was screwed on right." My ex-Mistress said that it was my willingness to suffer for her. In my vanilla days I was simply willing to sacrifice anything for and give all of myself to the one I loved. Hobbies? Meaningless. I'd drop them all in a heartbeat. Distraction is bad.
How have I changed since then? Not much except it has probably changed to I am willing to sacrifice anything for and give all of myself to the one I love and submit to. And not only am I willing to give up my hobbies, but I have no problem giving up orgasms, freedom, physical and emotional comfort, dignity, pride, and male ego. I don't mind (and even cherish) having my thoughts trapped in a box focused solely upon her needs and linking my own happiness and feelings of self-worth to whether or not I have met her expectations of me. Now that I think about it, those things were all characteristics I deemed expendable even before I entered the lifestyle.
What is a bit strange is that I'm not sure what the best way is for me to be utilized. I've never been asked to give up music because the Dommes I have served have enjoyed me playing music for them. I've never been asked to give up writing because they have usually enjoyed what I write. I've never been asked to give up my interest in films because they have all enjoyed the movies I have shared with them. I've never been asked to stop thinking about things because my ability to analyze and evaluate things have been appreciated. Is it bad to be willing to give up these things if they are some of my strengths? All I can really do is trust that she will decide wisely for me... and continue to be willing to sacrifice any of it if she wants that.
The bigger question is would I be able to give up my fetishes? Even thinking about it creates a submissive loop that feeds itself. For example, take fur:
A woman that removes fur from my life because she chooses to deny it and doesn't care about my arousal -> The thought of being denied turns me on and makes me submissive -> and so on.
Am I better off ridding myself of these (which I doubt is possible) and being open to a life without them? Or are my fetishes better off being manipulated to keep me in a deeper and desperate state of subspace? By even implying it is better off am I merely trying to manipulate things with my subconscious or is it the truth? I guess it is up to her to decide, but I don't know what to think on that one? I guess it's just up to her preference and whether or not she cares about how those might contribute to my happiness or fulfillment.
And... my thoughts have deteriorated into the white noise that is my racing mind without D/s.
All I know for sure is that I would sacrifice anything for and give all of myself to the one I love and submit to.
The absence of D/s really makes me feel lonely and sad... which is why I turn to hobbies to pass the time.
If you didn't know I was "into the lifestyle" and met me on vanilla terms, there's a good chance that you would think that I am defined by my hobbies and interests. I have roughly 6-8 hobbies and past-times that I tend to cycle through every 6 months or so. I almost always return to the hobbies and for that period of time it often dominates my focus and it seems to be what I want to talk about, want to do, and so on.
There have been times throughout my life where I wasn't seen as "relationship material" because of this. The woman couldn't see how I could focus on them when I have such serious hobbies. They thought I would be like the types who vanish to the garage or basement and don't surface for anything besides meals, the bathroom, and sleeping. Where I have commonly been misunderstood is that my hobbies were a substitute for the meaning that wasn't there. It was an interesting way to pass the time when I didn't have someone to give my love and my all to.
Throughout the course of my life I have had pretty bad luck with relationships. If I went on a date, we would become friends and not a relationship. If a relationship started to bud with a shy girl, she would reject me for being too open about my feelings. If a relationship started to bud with a girl and I would hold back, she would reject me for not being affectionate enough. I was lucky enough to really connect with a couple of women and had circumstances tear us apart. Those meetings were rather rare and far between.
During the long down times I found that if I tried my hardest to find a relationship, it would never happen. If I would sit back and wait for "opportunity" to strike, it would never happen. Dumb luck has always been the deciding factor for me in terms of success and failure. I still see myself as awkward and I don't really have a lot of confidence in terms of finding relationships. I know deep down I have the capacity to make a woman happy, be it D/s or vanilla, but at the same time, I don't know if I will be given the opportunity to "shine."
I think this is partly (if not mostly) why I fight so desperately to keep relationships together. Things changed a little bit when I entered the lifestyle. It was talking about thoughts on love and relationships that got me into the lifestyle. During a conversation with a woman-friend about what I thought a perfect guy would be like in a relationship and how I wanted to "be that guy," she looked at me and flat out said, "you're a submissive." She became my first Mistress.
For the first time in my life, life made sense. My brain is of the nature that creates a lot of "white noise" in my daily life. Lots of nagging issues, worries, and stress. I can only think of four things that have ever granted me freedom from that noise: playing on stage with a rock band, getting drunk out of my mind, getting high out of my mind, and submission. I haven't played in a band in years and I gave up drugs and alcohol many years ago... so that leaves me with only one option... and luckily, that option is the sustainable one.
For some reason I seem to have done pretty well with this. I'm not quite sure how or why I seem to finally succeed somewhere. Is it because I had the mentality before I developed the kink? My first Mistress described it that "my head was screwed on right." My ex-Mistress said that it was my willingness to suffer for her. In my vanilla days I was simply willing to sacrifice anything for and give all of myself to the one I loved. Hobbies? Meaningless. I'd drop them all in a heartbeat. Distraction is bad.
How have I changed since then? Not much except it has probably changed to I am willing to sacrifice anything for and give all of myself to the one I love and submit to. And not only am I willing to give up my hobbies, but I have no problem giving up orgasms, freedom, physical and emotional comfort, dignity, pride, and male ego. I don't mind (and even cherish) having my thoughts trapped in a box focused solely upon her needs and linking my own happiness and feelings of self-worth to whether or not I have met her expectations of me. Now that I think about it, those things were all characteristics I deemed expendable even before I entered the lifestyle.
What is a bit strange is that I'm not sure what the best way is for me to be utilized. I've never been asked to give up music because the Dommes I have served have enjoyed me playing music for them. I've never been asked to give up writing because they have usually enjoyed what I write. I've never been asked to give up my interest in films because they have all enjoyed the movies I have shared with them. I've never been asked to stop thinking about things because my ability to analyze and evaluate things have been appreciated. Is it bad to be willing to give up these things if they are some of my strengths? All I can really do is trust that she will decide wisely for me... and continue to be willing to sacrifice any of it if she wants that.
The bigger question is would I be able to give up my fetishes? Even thinking about it creates a submissive loop that feeds itself. For example, take fur:
A woman that removes fur from my life because she chooses to deny it and doesn't care about my arousal -> The thought of being denied turns me on and makes me submissive -> and so on.
Am I better off ridding myself of these (which I doubt is possible) and being open to a life without them? Or are my fetishes better off being manipulated to keep me in a deeper and desperate state of subspace? By even implying it is better off am I merely trying to manipulate things with my subconscious or is it the truth? I guess it is up to her to decide, but I don't know what to think on that one? I guess it's just up to her preference and whether or not she cares about how those might contribute to my happiness or fulfillment.
And... my thoughts have deteriorated into the white noise that is my racing mind without D/s.
All I know for sure is that I would sacrifice anything for and give all of myself to the one I love and submit to.
The absence of D/s really makes me feel lonely and sad... which is why I turn to hobbies to pass the time.
A Random Observation
I forgot that Mistress is working an overnight tonight so again I'm at home and up late by myself.
I just realized that part of the disintegration of our D/s interactions and the loss of connection in our relationship in general seems to almost directly coincide with her changing jobs and going from working Monday-Friday 9-5 shifts to overnight shifts 4 days a week with and working every other weekend.
I work Monday through Friday first shift and it used to be we would both get home, be kind of tired, want to relax a bit, and share some time. Now it seems that when I get home kind of tired, she is wide awake and fresh as can be. On days when she is tired, that tends to coincide with when I am wide awake.
I'm not really sure but I get the feeling that this schedule change that happened a few years ago has probably strained our relationship more than either of us would like to admit. When she first started on third shift I recommended she become full-time nocturnal and sleep either from like 9am-4pm or like 1pm until 8pm. She never heeded this advice and there are many days where she burns the candle at both ends.
This is something I will have to think about more and possibly develop a way of talking about it that won't lead to a fight.
I just realized that part of the disintegration of our D/s interactions and the loss of connection in our relationship in general seems to almost directly coincide with her changing jobs and going from working Monday-Friday 9-5 shifts to overnight shifts 4 days a week with and working every other weekend.
I work Monday through Friday first shift and it used to be we would both get home, be kind of tired, want to relax a bit, and share some time. Now it seems that when I get home kind of tired, she is wide awake and fresh as can be. On days when she is tired, that tends to coincide with when I am wide awake.
I'm not really sure but I get the feeling that this schedule change that happened a few years ago has probably strained our relationship more than either of us would like to admit. When she first started on third shift I recommended she become full-time nocturnal and sleep either from like 9am-4pm or like 1pm until 8pm. She never heeded this advice and there are many days where she burns the candle at both ends.
This is something I will have to think about more and possibly develop a way of talking about it that won't lead to a fight.
Humiliation Boutique - Santa's Lap (caption drawing)
This is the last one from the Santa series. I may take a bit of a break from drawing before starting the next one.
Friday, December 16, 2011
Wednesday, December 14, 2011
What makes a punishment a punishment?
Just what makes something a punishment?
In the BDSM world of fetish, submission, and masochism, what really separates an activity from being kinky vs. a punishment?
While I'm sure to the vanilla world there are many things that would seem like a punishment, such as corporal punishment, humiliation, orgasm denial, or chores. When these become the norm, what is the deciding factor?
I have thought about this question a lot over the years... how to answer that ever-asked question of "if I beat him, he likes it, so how is that a punishment?"
The common characteristic that make punishments what they are I believe is the introduction of meaningless hardship. Hardship that doesn't have to be there but is added in order to create suffering and serves no beneficial purpose beyond that.
If the sub already does the chores, restricting his hand movement by attaching his wrists to his balls increases difficulty, discomfort, and creates a sense of despair as he knows his performance will be poor, leading to increased punishment.
If the sub is already well-disciplined and well-controlled at keeping his hands off of his penis and controlling his erections, adding a chastity device or KTB drives home the point.
Forcing the sub to sleep in a cage instead of a bed is another means to inflict suffering.
Corporal punishment can be performed on such a level where the aftermath will haunt them for days (this usually goes well-beyond enjoyable kink).
Some of the longest-standing examples throughout history that mirror a similar sentiment are the punishments from legend/mythology in ancient Greece.
Sisyphus was able to cheat death twice. His punishment was to roll a giant boulder up a hill. When the boulder reached the top, it would roll back down and he would begin again... for all eternity.
Tantalus did a lot of pretty fucked up shit. His punishment was to stand in a pool of water up to his neck below a fruit tree. If he reached for the fruit, the branches moved away. If he leaned forward to drink, the water would lower out of reach.
Prometheus took fire from the gods and gave it to man. This gave man knowledge and made them too similar to the gods. His punishment was to be chained to a rock and every day a giant eagle would come and rip out his liver and every night it would grow back again.
The common themes: incredible suffering with a pointless state of existence.
In the BDSM world of fetish, submission, and masochism, what really separates an activity from being kinky vs. a punishment?
While I'm sure to the vanilla world there are many things that would seem like a punishment, such as corporal punishment, humiliation, orgasm denial, or chores. When these become the norm, what is the deciding factor?
I have thought about this question a lot over the years... how to answer that ever-asked question of "if I beat him, he likes it, so how is that a punishment?"
The common characteristic that make punishments what they are I believe is the introduction of meaningless hardship. Hardship that doesn't have to be there but is added in order to create suffering and serves no beneficial purpose beyond that.
If the sub already does the chores, restricting his hand movement by attaching his wrists to his balls increases difficulty, discomfort, and creates a sense of despair as he knows his performance will be poor, leading to increased punishment.
If the sub is already well-disciplined and well-controlled at keeping his hands off of his penis and controlling his erections, adding a chastity device or KTB drives home the point.
Forcing the sub to sleep in a cage instead of a bed is another means to inflict suffering.
Corporal punishment can be performed on such a level where the aftermath will haunt them for days (this usually goes well-beyond enjoyable kink).
Some of the longest-standing examples throughout history that mirror a similar sentiment are the punishments from legend/mythology in ancient Greece.
Sisyphus was able to cheat death twice. His punishment was to roll a giant boulder up a hill. When the boulder reached the top, it would roll back down and he would begin again... for all eternity.
Tantalus did a lot of pretty fucked up shit. His punishment was to stand in a pool of water up to his neck below a fruit tree. If he reached for the fruit, the branches moved away. If he leaned forward to drink, the water would lower out of reach.
Prometheus took fire from the gods and gave it to man. This gave man knowledge and made them too similar to the gods. His punishment was to be chained to a rock and every day a giant eagle would come and rip out his liver and every night it would grow back again.
The common themes: incredible suffering with a pointless state of existence.
Where we're at now
There's been some new readers lately and I haven't really talked about my D/s life in a while so I figured I would give a brief recap to where things are now. I also realize I haven't talked much about my personal life at all so there may be some new tidbits even if you've been reading since the beginning.
Currently, the 5+ year relationship between Mistress and I is pretty much a vanilla relationship with kink in the bedroom (or shower), and the bedroom just doesn't happen much anymore. About two years ago she developed some severe joint pain that prevented us from having sex anymore. A couple of months ago she finally had major surgery to correct that problem, from which she is still recovering.
Our relationship has been a rocky but rewarding one. The first couple of years were great. We played frequently. I took care of most of the chores and cooking and we would regularly go out looking for things to spice up our D/s life. Sexual interactions were frequent. Her son, at the time, was able to fall asleep early and sleep through the night and was well-behaved at school.
At about the two-and-a-half year mark her BPD really began to manifest itself and the relationship turned abusive. It's one thing when your Mistress is in control emotionally and gets angry. It's another when you experience a rage bomb exploding in your face and have no idea why. There's no punishment or scolding, but instead hatred and attempts to hurt you deeply, both physically and emotionally. This can be for a reason, or for seemingly no reason at all. When it flares up... words that are said imply a million other negative words, and if you remain silent, the silence implies another million negative words.
Due to some experiences while I was growing up, I have developed a great deal of emphasis on what I say and I try to never say something that cannot be taken back unless I absolutely mean it and am willing to bear the consequences of that. This situation has grown particularly difficult over the years since what I say is often interpreted as something else and I am treated as if I said the "something else." Even if we are able to talk through it, she still behaves as if I said those things. This does go beyond just words as well.
Months before her surgery she picked a fight with me and attacked me saying that she knew I wasn't going to care for her after her surgery. She proceeded to treat me for weeks as if the surgery had already happened, she had recovered, and I hadn't taken care of her... which is a bit fucked up if you think about it. In the aftermath, when I did care for her following the surgery, she still believes it was okay to treat me badly before the surgery under the anticipation of me failing.
From an outside view it's probably pretty easy to say that I should have walked away soon after this type of behavior started and failed to stop. I have continued to love and believe that we can work through and overcome this but in the process I know I have sacrificed a great deal of self-esteem, self-confidence, and weathered through a great deal of stress and abuse.
I don't really know, I guess. I do know I am approaching my limit of what I can reasonably handle.
Mistress is the fifth Domme I have served, third if you only count the relationships that lasted for more than 6 months. We met on collarme with friendship as the goal as we had planned to meet casually for coffee and talk about the lifestyle. I was on the tail-end of my previous D/s relationship that was all but dead: she was in the process of moving hundreds of miles away, I wasn't invited to move with her, we hadn't seen each other in two months, spoken in 3+ weeks, and she said she by email a couple of weeks earlier that she would be releasing me very soon.
We started out talking about the lifestyle; some experiences, some ideas. She asked a lot of questions and I gave a lot of answers. Coffee turned into dinner, dinner into desert. She asked if she could come over to my place and I said yes. I'm usually the type of person that carefully mulls over every option and wants to be certain about decisions before I make them. That hadn't really worked for me most of my life so I threw caution to the wind and went with things. I did feel guilty that I hadn't been officially released yet (that call came four days later), but this now was the real human contact I hadn't had in months.
Mistress was fairly new to the lifestyle at this point with about 4 months of experience under her belt. She accepted me for who I was and all the quirks that go along with my submissiveness and fetishes. When we arrived at my apartment we talked, I massaged her, and then we played and things went from there. We had a great first two and a half years. Things have been shaky since then and that has led us to the state we are in now.
I'm hoping things make a turn for the better once she fully recovers from the surgery. I hope she's able to make some headway in controlling her BPD (she had a major outburst of it yesterday and a minor one this evening) but I'm not sure how well that will go unless she really wants it to get better. Currently we are both each others' longest lasting relationship.
In the meantime, my blog, my drawings, my twisted fantasies... these are my outlet for what doesn't happen in reality. Those and the support of my readers are why I keep going here.
Currently, the 5+ year relationship between Mistress and I is pretty much a vanilla relationship with kink in the bedroom (or shower), and the bedroom just doesn't happen much anymore. About two years ago she developed some severe joint pain that prevented us from having sex anymore. A couple of months ago she finally had major surgery to correct that problem, from which she is still recovering.
Our relationship has been a rocky but rewarding one. The first couple of years were great. We played frequently. I took care of most of the chores and cooking and we would regularly go out looking for things to spice up our D/s life. Sexual interactions were frequent. Her son, at the time, was able to fall asleep early and sleep through the night and was well-behaved at school.
At about the two-and-a-half year mark her BPD really began to manifest itself and the relationship turned abusive. It's one thing when your Mistress is in control emotionally and gets angry. It's another when you experience a rage bomb exploding in your face and have no idea why. There's no punishment or scolding, but instead hatred and attempts to hurt you deeply, both physically and emotionally. This can be for a reason, or for seemingly no reason at all. When it flares up... words that are said imply a million other negative words, and if you remain silent, the silence implies another million negative words.
Due to some experiences while I was growing up, I have developed a great deal of emphasis on what I say and I try to never say something that cannot be taken back unless I absolutely mean it and am willing to bear the consequences of that. This situation has grown particularly difficult over the years since what I say is often interpreted as something else and I am treated as if I said the "something else." Even if we are able to talk through it, she still behaves as if I said those things. This does go beyond just words as well.
Months before her surgery she picked a fight with me and attacked me saying that she knew I wasn't going to care for her after her surgery. She proceeded to treat me for weeks as if the surgery had already happened, she had recovered, and I hadn't taken care of her... which is a bit fucked up if you think about it. In the aftermath, when I did care for her following the surgery, she still believes it was okay to treat me badly before the surgery under the anticipation of me failing.
From an outside view it's probably pretty easy to say that I should have walked away soon after this type of behavior started and failed to stop. I have continued to love and believe that we can work through and overcome this but in the process I know I have sacrificed a great deal of self-esteem, self-confidence, and weathered through a great deal of stress and abuse.
I don't really know, I guess. I do know I am approaching my limit of what I can reasonably handle.
Mistress is the fifth Domme I have served, third if you only count the relationships that lasted for more than 6 months. We met on collarme with friendship as the goal as we had planned to meet casually for coffee and talk about the lifestyle. I was on the tail-end of my previous D/s relationship that was all but dead: she was in the process of moving hundreds of miles away, I wasn't invited to move with her, we hadn't seen each other in two months, spoken in 3+ weeks, and she said she by email a couple of weeks earlier that she would be releasing me very soon.
We started out talking about the lifestyle; some experiences, some ideas. She asked a lot of questions and I gave a lot of answers. Coffee turned into dinner, dinner into desert. She asked if she could come over to my place and I said yes. I'm usually the type of person that carefully mulls over every option and wants to be certain about decisions before I make them. That hadn't really worked for me most of my life so I threw caution to the wind and went with things. I did feel guilty that I hadn't been officially released yet (that call came four days later), but this now was the real human contact I hadn't had in months.
Mistress was fairly new to the lifestyle at this point with about 4 months of experience under her belt. She accepted me for who I was and all the quirks that go along with my submissiveness and fetishes. When we arrived at my apartment we talked, I massaged her, and then we played and things went from there. We had a great first two and a half years. Things have been shaky since then and that has led us to the state we are in now.
I'm hoping things make a turn for the better once she fully recovers from the surgery. I hope she's able to make some headway in controlling her BPD (she had a major outburst of it yesterday and a minor one this evening) but I'm not sure how well that will go unless she really wants it to get better. Currently we are both each others' longest lasting relationship.
In the meantime, my blog, my drawings, my twisted fantasies... these are my outlet for what doesn't happen in reality. Those and the support of my readers are why I keep going here.
Sissiest Item of the Year (involving fur)
Each year something usually stands out as being the item that I would deem as the most humiliating thing available that includes fur in some way.
I hadn't been browsing department stores much lately but when I stumbled upon this it easily won out:
I hadn't been browsing department stores much lately but when I stumbled upon this it easily won out:
Tuesday, December 13, 2011
Slave Competition Game Idea #4 - Human Croquet
Another game idea.
Needs:
A ball for each Domme (anything tennis ball sized or larger should work)
Rope/restraints
A large room that is fairly open
Assign each sub a starting number (they will cycle positions so this is just the beginning).
Tie their hands behind their back and attach their wrist to their balls so that they're a little contorted (the idea is to have their legs slightly bent and spread).
Take turns rolling the ball toward the subs' end of the room. The subs must quickly form a line and spread their legs so that the ball rolls through their legs like a croquet wicket. On the first roll #1 should be at the front, #2 second, and so on. On the second roll, #1 will go to the back, #2 will move to the front, and so on.
After all three Dommes have rolled the subs will retrieve the balls and the cycle will begin again.
If a sub fails to get into position quickly enough to form a wicket, they are eliminated. If a sub hits the ball with his foot/leg, they are eliminated. Last sub standing wins.
Needs:
A ball for each Domme (anything tennis ball sized or larger should work)
Rope/restraints
A large room that is fairly open
Assign each sub a starting number (they will cycle positions so this is just the beginning).
Tie their hands behind their back and attach their wrist to their balls so that they're a little contorted (the idea is to have their legs slightly bent and spread).
Take turns rolling the ball toward the subs' end of the room. The subs must quickly form a line and spread their legs so that the ball rolls through their legs like a croquet wicket. On the first roll #1 should be at the front, #2 second, and so on. On the second roll, #1 will go to the back, #2 will move to the front, and so on.
After all three Dommes have rolled the subs will retrieve the balls and the cycle will begin again.
If a sub fails to get into position quickly enough to form a wicket, they are eliminated. If a sub hits the ball with his foot/leg, they are eliminated. Last sub standing wins.
Slave Competition Game Idea #3 - Fill the cup
I think something along these lines has already been mentioned briefly in comments on the Roadblock post... but here goes.
Needs:
A bucket of water.
A cup/glass with a "fill line" marked on it. A graduated measuring cup might work the best.
A spoon of some sorts (teaspoon, table spoon, etc., the larger the spoon the faster this will be done).
Wrist restraints/handcuffs.
This could be done simultaneously or one sub at a time. The only difference would be if done simultaneously you can determine the winner by whoever finishes first and one at a time will require a time-keeping device.
Place the bucket of water and empty cup on the floor, 6' apart.
Restrain the sub's hands behind his back and put the spoon in his hand.
The sub must take water from the bucket using the spoon and transfer it one spoon full at a time in order to fill the cup to its fill line.
First one to fill the cup and deliver it to his Mistress wins.
Alternate options:
-For added difficulty the handle of the spoon could be placed in the sub's mouth (instead of using his hands) but I have a feeling this would make this take much longer, although this might be the preferred method if you wanted to see the subs inching around the floor on their stomachs instead of moving around on their knees.
-Spilled water could be punished but I have a feeling trying to traverse through the spilled water is sort of a punishment in itself since it will make their skin stick to the floor.
Needs:
A bucket of water.
A cup/glass with a "fill line" marked on it. A graduated measuring cup might work the best.
A spoon of some sorts (teaspoon, table spoon, etc., the larger the spoon the faster this will be done).
Wrist restraints/handcuffs.
This could be done simultaneously or one sub at a time. The only difference would be if done simultaneously you can determine the winner by whoever finishes first and one at a time will require a time-keeping device.
Place the bucket of water and empty cup on the floor, 6' apart.
Restrain the sub's hands behind his back and put the spoon in his hand.
The sub must take water from the bucket using the spoon and transfer it one spoon full at a time in order to fill the cup to its fill line.
First one to fill the cup and deliver it to his Mistress wins.
Alternate options:
-For added difficulty the handle of the spoon could be placed in the sub's mouth (instead of using his hands) but I have a feeling this would make this take much longer, although this might be the preferred method if you wanted to see the subs inching around the floor on their stomachs instead of moving around on their knees.
-Spilled water could be punished but I have a feeling trying to traverse through the spilled water is sort of a punishment in itself since it will make their skin stick to the floor.
Slave Competition Game idea #2 - 52 pick up
This is another idea for Lady Grey's post Roadblocks.
I will admit this isn't the most exciting idea as there's no pain, just frustration, fear, and mental anguish.
It's fairly easy though and doesn't require a lot and might serve as a "throw in" game if there's extra time.
Needed:
-A deck of cards (fresh/new and plastic coated preferred)
-A timer/stop watch
-A hard floor (preferably somewhat slick)
-Some sort of mitten, ideally some bondage fist mitts such as these:
Instead of fist mitts, some layered gloves and mittens would work. E.g. a pair of those stretchy winter gloves under a pair of chunky double-knit wool mittens will probably be enough to dampen dexterity and coordination.
Game:
Each Domme will write in order from 1 to 4 what suit she would compare herself to from strongest to weakest (e.g. if she is warm and affectionate, hearts will probably be her #1, if she likes to beat the shit out of her sub, clubs might be her #1, if she loves jewelry diamonds might be #1, gardening, spades, etc.).
Shuffle the cards so that they're good and mixed (it doesn't matter if they're all facing the same way).
Spray the cards all over the floor (the less overlap, the more difficult it will be to do this).
Have the sub retrieve the cards and place them neatly in order by card value(the Queens should go on top) and suit, with their guess for her #1 suit on the top of the deck. When they are done they will present the completed deck to his Mistress.
If they guess her #1 incorrectly, add 1 minute to their time for each number they missed by (e.g. if their #1 guess was her #3, add two minutes).
If any of the cards are turned in with values out of order or facing the wrong direction, DQ them failing to accomplish the task.
The sub that completed the task with the lowest time (after penalties are applied) wins.
*Note: This will actually be very difficult so a maximum time limit may want to be enacted.
I will admit this isn't the most exciting idea as there's no pain, just frustration, fear, and mental anguish.
It's fairly easy though and doesn't require a lot and might serve as a "throw in" game if there's extra time.
Needed:
-A deck of cards (fresh/new and plastic coated preferred)
-A timer/stop watch
-A hard floor (preferably somewhat slick)
-Some sort of mitten, ideally some bondage fist mitts such as these:
Instead of fist mitts, some layered gloves and mittens would work. E.g. a pair of those stretchy winter gloves under a pair of chunky double-knit wool mittens will probably be enough to dampen dexterity and coordination.
Game:
Each Domme will write in order from 1 to 4 what suit she would compare herself to from strongest to weakest (e.g. if she is warm and affectionate, hearts will probably be her #1, if she likes to beat the shit out of her sub, clubs might be her #1, if she loves jewelry diamonds might be #1, gardening, spades, etc.).
Shuffle the cards so that they're good and mixed (it doesn't matter if they're all facing the same way).
Spray the cards all over the floor (the less overlap, the more difficult it will be to do this).
Have the sub retrieve the cards and place them neatly in order by card value(the Queens should go on top) and suit, with their guess for her #1 suit on the top of the deck. When they are done they will present the completed deck to his Mistress.
If they guess her #1 incorrectly, add 1 minute to their time for each number they missed by (e.g. if their #1 guess was her #3, add two minutes).
If any of the cards are turned in with values out of order or facing the wrong direction, DQ them failing to accomplish the task.
The sub that completed the task with the lowest time (after penalties are applied) wins.
*Note: This will actually be very difficult so a maximum time limit may want to be enacted.
Monday, December 12, 2011
Slave Competition Game
In Lady Grey's post, Roadblocks, she is going to be having a slave competition between her sub and some others.
In attempting to come up with some ideas under the parameters (it should be winnable and not cause any significant harm to a sub) here is one idea that I came up with.
Obstacle Course Race:
-Subs should have their hands locked behind their back.
-Subs should have an 18 or 24" spreader bar locked between their ankles.
-A modified ball parachute with a round tray mounted underneath it.
-A round object such as a ball or a hard boiled egg placed on the tray. The less perfectly round the object is, the easier it will be to keep it balanced.
Optional:
-Difficulty could be increased by adding a butt plug.
Subs must maneuver a simple obstacle course while being timed without dropping the ball off the tray.
If the ball falls off the tray they must retrieve the ball and bring it back to the starting line where a Domme will deliver a hard swat to each butt cheek and return the ball to the tray while the timer continues to run. If the ball rolls somewhere that the sub cannot retrieve it they will be disqualified and punished (the idea of a Domme having to retrieve the ball for them just seems wrong).
The sub with the lowest time to complete the course wins.
Here are some shitty sketches I made in 3 minutes before I have to leave for work:
In attempting to come up with some ideas under the parameters (it should be winnable and not cause any significant harm to a sub) here is one idea that I came up with.
Obstacle Course Race:
-Subs should have their hands locked behind their back.
-Subs should have an 18 or 24" spreader bar locked between their ankles.
-A modified ball parachute with a round tray mounted underneath it.
-A round object such as a ball or a hard boiled egg placed on the tray. The less perfectly round the object is, the easier it will be to keep it balanced.
Optional:
-Difficulty could be increased by adding a butt plug.
Subs must maneuver a simple obstacle course while being timed without dropping the ball off the tray.
If the ball falls off the tray they must retrieve the ball and bring it back to the starting line where a Domme will deliver a hard swat to each butt cheek and return the ball to the tray while the timer continues to run. If the ball rolls somewhere that the sub cannot retrieve it they will be disqualified and punished (the idea of a Domme having to retrieve the ball for them just seems wrong).
The sub with the lowest time to complete the course wins.
Here are some shitty sketches I made in 3 minutes before I have to leave for work:
Sunday, December 11, 2011
Ugh...
Part of why I've been blogging and drawing so much is that I struggle from depression.
When it starts "tingling" I go out of my way to fight it off, usually in the form of setting goals or tasks for myself to complete and then going at them full-on. I can feel my resolve starting to falter a bit.
Part of it is due to the weather... I live in an area where it's going to be cold as hell and covered in snow for the next 3+ months so even things like going to the store that's 3 miles away can seem like a chore. This in turn leads to some shut-in status and weight gain which doesn't do much for self-esteem.
While those are factors, the primary thing is that the holidays have a lot of terrible memories for me. The kind of deep-rooted shit that has carved some big emotional scars that have kept me struggling my whole life. Last year I vanished from the internet for a few months working to get myself back on track and I'm hoping to avoid that this year.
So... if you read this blog (and hopefully enjoy it)... your comments and requests help give me a goal to work towards and keep my head above water. If there's anything you like, don't like, want to see more of, want me to talk about, want me to draw, etc. please let me know. Comments, email, even just saying "hey" on my chat box... those all keep me going.
Sorry if this makes me seem like a whiny-ass bitch, I can just spot the signs of my depression kicking in early on while I still have the power to beat it.
When it starts "tingling" I go out of my way to fight it off, usually in the form of setting goals or tasks for myself to complete and then going at them full-on. I can feel my resolve starting to falter a bit.
Part of it is due to the weather... I live in an area where it's going to be cold as hell and covered in snow for the next 3+ months so even things like going to the store that's 3 miles away can seem like a chore. This in turn leads to some shut-in status and weight gain which doesn't do much for self-esteem.
While those are factors, the primary thing is that the holidays have a lot of terrible memories for me. The kind of deep-rooted shit that has carved some big emotional scars that have kept me struggling my whole life. Last year I vanished from the internet for a few months working to get myself back on track and I'm hoping to avoid that this year.
So... if you read this blog (and hopefully enjoy it)... your comments and requests help give me a goal to work towards and keep my head above water. If there's anything you like, don't like, want to see more of, want me to talk about, want me to draw, etc. please let me know. Comments, email, even just saying "hey" on my chat box... those all keep me going.
Sorry if this makes me seem like a whiny-ass bitch, I can just spot the signs of my depression kicking in early on while I still have the power to beat it.
Humiliation Boutique - December's sales Meeting
This sets the premise for my next set of Humiliation Boutique drawings.
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