Saturday, April 8, 2017

So confused

I don't feel particularly bad right now... just utterly confused about my sense of self at the moment.

The second half of my post from last night (not the 30 days stuff) took me a very long time to write even though it wasn't very long.  I'm not sure why but to this date I find those are probably the most traumatic experiences of my childhood. 

There were a whole lot of questions that were finally answered.  It didn't take me very long in exploring to see all the stuff from fs01 that were directly tied to it.  It didn't take me very long to see how this makes me different from those with similar kinks and fetishes.  I see a world that was a system for rejection.  A system that broke me down and never built me back up... just left me with this shattered sense of self and feeling lost within the darkness.  This system buried my sensitive being and created my alpha. 

Time passed very very slowly for me when I was young.  It almost felt like every day was an endurance trial to see if I could get through the day without being shamed.  My sister really was a bitch.  She tried to give me complexes about so many things... the way that I talked, what I ate, what I liked to do, how I did things, etc.  Eventually I just felt all awkward and fucked up so I pretended to be tough.  I worried about what was cool.  I worried about making impressions.  This turned into a system of self-loathing when I found myself unable to relate to others in my age group.

I'm realizing that I understand what happened with the first hat experience with K.  I can now cite a source to the irrational fear and anxiety that flared up in me when she wanted me to try something on at a store.  The overwhelming feelings of "fucked up", paired with a racing heart, perspiration, and elevated blood pressure now have a known source. 

I can see how M salvaged part of my childhood self and steered me down a different path. 

I don't know how to understand or cope with this new identity.  Is this truly a little space or just part of it?  Why is it so sexualized?  Did I condition myself with my adolescent masturbation habits?  Was I conditioned through D/s experiences? 

The impression I am gathering is that most littles are not sexual when in their space.  Does that mean that I am not that way or is that space a gateway to slavespace?  So many questions with no answers.  I'm so confused. 

Why is it that the protector I seek is one that simply keeps me but is not kind?  Why can I not believe anyone's words when they tell me I'm normal and okay? 

When K decided that she wanted to keep me in deep space and told me "I like you better this way," I remember feeling a sense of calm and peace.  She teased and tormented constantly, but I didn't worry at all... because she liked me better this way... she would keep me... and nothing else mattered.

I'm so confused.

30 Days of submission: Day 19

How socially connected is your submission? 

Moderately.  In each of the relationships I have been in, they liked to meet up with other couples in the lifestyle and hang out. When it is just me I blog and use some forms of chat and networking.  The more active my D/s life is, the less active I am online.

Do you look for others to talk to about your submission for support or networking? 

Yes.  I enjoy talking about the lifestyle.  Sharing ideas.  Learning.  All of that stuff.  I also just like having people that I can talk to and show off the true me.   Knowing others is also a good support system when you are struggling as a submissive.

Do you go to events or connect through another sort of social grouping either in person or online?

I used to attend munches.  Never again, at least not while I live in this area.  It's toxic. 

30 Days of Kink: Day 19

Any unexpected ways kink has improved your life? If so, what are they?

A handful.

Sex is amazing, especially when I'm the one having it.

I actually have something resembling self-esteem sometimes now.  Being confident that I am a decent submissive helps with that.  

When I have gone out looking for a relationship I have actually found a few.

So yes, these are an improvement.

Friday, April 7, 2017

Solving the Puzzle of my submission

I'm not really sure how to start this post.  I guess I just have to start typing.

Today I had a set of repressed memories return and everything sort of fell into place about how the hell I ended up this way and just how the space I perceived to be my slavespace gets triggered.

I don't like dwelling in this feeling set but I suppose unless I write it out, I'm not truly confronting it.  I have no idea what will happen in the aftermath and if that will change anything.  The whole chain of events leading up to this point have been an odd journey.

About a month ago I had the rug ripped out from under me in my home life and I felt completely wrecked.  As I stared to pick myself back up I started reaching out attempting to create some additional connections.  While I enjoy connections in their own right, I had the additional motivation of knowing that more people to talk to would help keep me in a positive mental state.  I did bond with a couple of new people that I adore interacting with.  A lot of attempts failed.  I ended up in a chat group that a friend recommended and got exposed to more M/f ideas than I ever had before.  Thankfully this time around I approached that side of the coin with an open mind and observed, listened, and learned.

There are a lot of ideas that I let slowly turn over in my brain.  I don't force them to a conclusion with my "mental masochism" as Lady Grey would put it.  I just let them be in my subconscious and when something accesses them I try to explore the meaning.  While I will credit Emdimensional for being the one to truly help me understand the concept of littles, it was being exposed to several of them in the chat and conversing with them that set some of these things in motion.

A few weeks ago I wrote the post, Inside of me, which was basically summarizing a sense that I had a "little space" of a part of my submission.  I let the idea stew because my little space is so vastly different from how I read about it described in M/f, nor do am I drawn to any form of age play or anything of that nature.  I don't seek a "Mommy."  I don't revert my interests or desires into a younger state.  It just didn't seem like it fit how I see it in other situations.

Today while I was giving it a tiny bit of thought as I was completing my work for today everything just hit me and a wave of memories and emotions blew me away.

This is kind of hard to write.  It fills me with shame to remember these things.

To provide a little bit of context and to stall for composure... my adopted father grew up dirt poor and the middle child among 5 siblings.  Money was always tight, they belonged to an Old Testament religion, and his father was a strict disciplinarian.  Hand-me-downs were the way of life.  They had one bicycle to share among the 6 of them.  Opportunities were infrequent.  Work hard helping the family business and binge on allowance day.  Waste nothing. 

By the time I was adopted, my family was solidly middle class.  A family vacation once a year.  My sister had access to music and sports.  I had access to sports (but not music?).  We never had to worry about going hungry or having clean clothes on our backs.  One thing stuck around.  My family was firmly entrenched in the idea of hand-me downs.  This ended up being a major problem for me as my sister and I were different genders.

"You're just going to grow out of them before next year, there's no use in wasting money on new ones."   Those words burn in my ears and make me shake.  Fuck.  It hurts so much to think about it. This was the default response if I attempted to reject hand-me-downs.  If I continued to act up it was followed by, "Stop being selfish and ungrateful, when I was your age we didn't have opportunities like these for me."  If I continued to act up I was spanked/whupped and locked in a small room.  The last part would repeat until I accepted the inevitable.

Apparently the memory of how quickly my sister grew out of things was their measuring stick.  When winter came around I had my own coat (usually a couple of sizes too large to get more years out of it) and boots (also a couple of sizes too large to last more than one year).  I was allowed to pick these out at the store.  In my earlier years... I don't remember exactly which... snow pants, hats, mittens, and scarves were hand-me-downs from my sister.  I was small for my age so everything managed to fit.  I was made fun of in winter by other kids for having a purple hat and mittens and snow pants that had a pink stripe on them.  I didn't want to wear them.  I "lost" them.  They were replaced by the next set of hand-me-downs.  Red with a pink stripe.

At some point I was able to convince my parents that hats were too itchy and made my head too hot.  I managed to sell this rather well.  The next day my Mom came home with a pair of bright red earmuffs.  I was so happy to not have to wear my sister's old hat.  I put them on and went outside.  My sister was playing with an older cousin and another older girl.  My presence annoyed them.  They started calling me gay boy and the cousin told me the earmuffs made me look queer.  They taunted me with this until I went inside.  I hid them away and never wore them again.  My mother was furious.  This was the birth of the "iron man" me.  I don't get cold.  I quit wearing snow pants.  I quit wearing gloves.  I wore a baseball hat in winter.  Eventually I was able to beg and plead for a pair of gloves that I was allowed to pick out.  They made my hands sweat and smell awful.  I didn't complain.  I was 4.

Unfortunately, the hand-me-downs weren't limited to clothing.  My parents bought my sister a new bike and I got her old one.  It looked like this but had flowers on the frame in addition to the seat.

I got made fun of.  A lot.  This was the trend.  When I learned to ice skate, I would just outgrow them, so I was given my sister's figure skates and they bought her a new pair.  I got made fun of.  When I wanted roller skates I got my sister's old ones with pink stripes and they bought her a new pair.  I got made fun of.  They taught me how to cross-country ski... with my sister's old pink skis and they bought her a new pair.  I got made fun of.  I got her old pink big wheel and they bought her a new one.  I got made fun of.  I got her old pink sled and they bought her a new one.  I got made fun of. 

Honestly, by the time I was 5 I just wanted to die.  I just wanted to be dead and then I wouldn't hurt anymore.  The racism was bad enough, but even the kids who weren't racist managed to make fun of me.

By the time I hit first grade I was a dick and it just got worse over time.

It's funny, because by the time M started putting a hat on me and tying me up, I hadn't worn a hat or mittens or a scarf in years.  She was the only one I would do that for.  She was the only one that sought me out.  She was the only one that wanted to keep me.  Even when she bound me and dressed me in girl's winter clothes, she never teased me for that.  I was her prisoner... her property... and that felt nice.

As I sifted through these memories it became clear as day as to what is going on inside me when it comes to submission.  My slavespace is actually little space.  The girl's hat and earmuffs are the trigger.  It had always been strange to me that things like panties or bras don't really do much for my subspace.  While they give a heightened sense of self-consciousness, when forced to wear them by themselves, they don't do much.  When I'm ordered into a hat and/or earmuffs, I'm basically a slave.

Why it was so difficult for me to see my little is that I just couldn't make sense of it, nor really understand it.  Most littles frequently want to be coddled and protected.  My little seeks my symbolic protector through the eyes of my younger self.  My little expects to be treated like shit and attempts to earn affection and approval by being pleasing in any way imaginable.  My little expects to be punished and beaten for failure and turns the pain inward because it is helpless against authority.  My little so desperately wants someone to love me... that it will do ANYTHING (within most hard limits), truly believing it will be rejected if it has a single lapse in effort.  It will accept any rules... and consequences... because that is all it knows how to do.

My little is a slave that responds more strongly to cruelty than to kindness.  The kindest thing someone can do for my little is to put a lock on me and tell me there's no escape.  Do that and it would never want to leave.

My little has some badass work ethic.  If I struck out at little league it was 200 hits a night off a tee.  If I struck out 5 times across a season it was off to the high school coaches or a professional swing trainer to make me "right" again.  If I made an error in the field it was 200 grounders off a pitch back every day until it's perfect.  If I wasn't the best player on my team, then I was selfish and ungrateful for having these opportunities.  This is the natural penance and effort required to be acceptable. No wonder I was/am so fucking neurotic and my little follows suit.

I don't really know how to feel about this.  I don't really know what I should think of this.  I feel like I should keep it a secret.  I am ashamed of it.  Fuck, I just feel so broken.

30 Days of submission: Day 18

Very often the stereotype of submission is that the submissive person loses the ability to have an opinion. While that clearly isn’t true except in the absolute rarest of occasions, how does communication factor into your submission and how do you communicate your desires and needs?

Hooray.  It's a nice break to read something with a disclaimer statement that acknowledges that something else might exist.

In my experiences, communication of needs and desires are usually covered before we get going in the relationship.  As such, our needs and desires are pretty much accepted beforehand.

That being said, finding times to talk about what is and isn't working and where improvements can be made to increase the overall happiness is pretty crucial.

As a whole, once things get rolling I end up accepting what is given to me and try not to ask for too much more unless something is severely lacking.  

I expect her to communicate her needs and wants as these become the focus of my submission.  Most times when my shortcomings are communicated to me I am bent over, in tears, and being scolded and disciplined.  This tends to drive the lesson home pretty quickly and I do not mind this method since it is effective.

I will say that I do struggle a bit with communicating things that I fear will upset her.  At varying times in my various relationships this has been more difficult to do than in others.  I also know there is a time and place to talk about things, and in the best times I've had there were times set aside to talk in this way regularly until things started flowing comfortably.

30 Days of Kink: Day 18

Any kinky/BDSM pet peeves? Any thing you particularly dislike or that annoys you? If so, what are they?

I'm not going to split these up into sections.  I'm giggling a bit as I feel myself going into full on rant mode.  Just downed a bottle of Haterade, this should be fun.

Yes, a ton of them.  In no particular order:

1.  Fetish poodles.  The "subs" (and doms) that treat BDSM like it's primarily a fashion show.  These people remind me of scenesters that have eventually ruined most of the musical scenes I have been a part of.  No substance, just fluff and appearances.  Worst part about it is that they act like they are the ones that are supposed to be there and anyone not decked out in leather, PVC, and guy-liner don't belong.  

There are those out there who legitimately care about the lifestyle and enjoy getting their kink on with fetish clothing.  I'm not talking about you.  I'm pretty sure you do know who I'm talking about, and yeah, I'm referring to them.

2.  Posturing.  When people try to emulate their idea of what a Dominant or submissive "should" be.  This frequently includes rigid standards that have no basis in real world experience.  Their speech is frequently accompanied by the phrase "A REAL Domme would..." or "A REAL sub would...".  You can spot Dommes of this type by the angry forehead wrinkle. 

3.  Caveman maledoms.  You know the types.  "I haven't read a book in 20 years but I sure know how to spank."  These are the ones that frequently get their masculinity threatened and look upon anyone that doesn't wish to beat a woman as being less than a real man.  I have been around far too many of these.

4.  Overly-jaded Dommes and the douchebag male sub wannabes that make them jaded.  This creates a toxic environment which makes things VERY difficult if you are shy.  It's too easy as a sub to feel like you are traversing a mine field.  It is important to note, I do not hate jaded Dommes, I hate the system of events that make them overly-jaded.

That being said, to all the rude wannabe male sub bastards that send unsolicited dick pics, insult Dommes, threaten Dommes, try to force yourself upon them, running away when they show interest, and all the other garbage that makes Dommes cringe at the sight of their inbox... FUCK YOU ALL, I HATE YOU.

(A sarcastic person would now ask me how I really feel).

5.  Catty, cliquey, backstabbity, worse-than-high school drama bullshit in BDSM communities.  I don't think I even have to explain this.  Too bad 18+ doesn't mean you have to act like an adult.

6.  When people make statements about the lifestyle from a very narrow world view.  Using things to state how "everything" is when in reality they are only covering a portion of the demographic.  This can easily be avoided by using disclaimers, describing in more detail about who you are speaking to and, you know, letting us know that they are aware that other types of people and lifestyles exist in this world.

7.  Widespread assumptions of the community as a whole.  All subs are masochists.  All women are submissive.  All sissies are gay. 

8.  Dominants that think withholding dominance is a good punishment.  This sort of implies that dominance is play.  It sort of implies that dominance is a favor.  It sort of implies that the D/s lifestyle is a switch you turn on and off.  I don't care for it.

9.  Misunderstanding of subspace.  It is not the same for everyone and it doesn't always feel good in a pleasurable way.

10. People who mislabel themselves as subs but are actually bottoms.

Seeing as how I could probably keep going beyond 10, I must be a hater.

My Head Aches

I'm really wishing I could break out of this mood.  My head aches.

Life right now feels like a roller-coaster ride of spikes of hope and inspiration balanced off by disappointment and frustration.  It's funny how the definition of balance rarely equates to feeling balanced.  Equal amounts of feast and famine technically yields a balance but it feels like shit.  Prolonged indifference is also a balance but isn't actually desirable.  "You need to find balance," is such a commonly used phrase of advice... but I've always felt what people actually mean is "you need to find hope for something."

I don't know why it is that I go through phases of "frenzy" and seek human contact when the process exhausts me and the strong connections I do make tend to happen naturally.  Rationally I know this, but it still seems to be a habit of mine. 

It's surprising how much "balance" comes from this blog and the people who leave comments here.  I really enjoy hearing from people here and the connections I have made with you are very special to me.  I hope that I can break out of this mood.

Thursday, April 6, 2017

30 Days of submission: Day 17

What does trust mean to you in the context of submission?

Sweet, I always wanted to publish a book.  Joking aside, I will try to be concise.

As a submissive, trust in my Domme is that she will act with the best interests of the relationship.  I trust that she will care for my overall well-being.  I trust that I will feel her love for me.  I trust that she will reign me in if I get too deep.  Life isn't perfect and there is a chance she will make mistakes, but as long as her intentions were good I am able to forgive and move on without losing trust.

Earning and maintaining her trust is equally important.  She trusts that I will be open with her in all things.  She trusts that I will be honest and communicate my thoughts and feelings.  She trusts that I will put forth my best effort in serving her and focus on her happiness.  She trusts that I will follow her instructions and not take advantage of my privileges and freedoms.  She trusts that I will show my love for her every single day.

Important stuff. 

30 Days of Kink: Day 17

What misconception about kinky people would you most like to clear up?

I would have to believe that most people would cite Dommes and the stereotypical porn outfit of leather and PVC to compliment her whips and chains.

In my case I would go at the notion that submissive men are weak pushovers.

In my opinion, it takes a lot of courage to be willing to buck conventional gender roles and accept that you are submissive.  To seriously open yourself up and make yourself vulnerable is scary as hell.  Cowards need not apply (and they usually run away).  To dedicate yourself to the happiness of another person is not an endeavor for the weak or the meek.  Can someone without strength or courage make anyone happy?  No.

Also, I've never met a sub IN A RELATIONSHIP that was a doormat.  Most subs in lifestyle relationships are funny, intelligent, and interesting people.  This is what is required of a life partner.  

So yeah, let's get rid of the image that a submissive male is just some wallflower that is incapable of thinking for themselves so they do whatever they are told.  It doesn't work that way in the vast majority of relationships so I don't even know where that idea comes from.

Thoughts on Submissive Behavior and Control

I've been feeling stretched too thin lately and it is a feeling I haven't felt in a very long time.  Emotions pulled around with hope in tow but uneasy and exhausted at the same time.  I'm going to try to write this post and I'm hoping my brain allows it to be coherent.  I have no idea where this post will take me so I will just write and see what comes out.

I've been slowly processing a lot lately in regards to the thoughts that brought about the Searching for a Term post.  Reading the words people write and having discussions with others... a lot more is starting to make sense.  I often wonder how some of these nuances get so complicated... but I know that's just how things are.

I feel like I've finally managed to see the forest without being blinded by the trees on this subject and the bigger picture leads me to the topic of control and how it interacts with submissive behavior and subspace.

In regards to submissive behavior I fear that I am skewed by how my own submission works.  When I submit through love it transports me to a different place in my mind that changes the values and priorities of my being and creates a sexual connection with my submissive behaviors.  This is the state that I refer to as my subspace.

There are many submissive husbands or partners that willingly take upon themselves life's more tedious tasks including cooking, cleaning, chores, and the like.  A part that I feel like I am missing is the knowledge as to how other subs who perform these tasks feel about doing them.  I can only speak for myself in that when dynamics/rules/expectations are in place I do these out of love and knowing that these are what she expects of me I enter subspace and get aroused.  What do other subs feel?

Do they do it purely out of love in the absence of subspace and does their heart tell them "I want to do this and it makes me happy" or is it closer to "I have to do this because this is what she wants"?
Do they ever feel frustrated and wishing they did not have to do it or are they always able to keep their mind pure?

The closest I can imagine to my feelings in the absence of subspace is having to clean or do chores for someone I do not submit to.  Would I do these things happily and with a smile?  Probably not.  I do not enjoy them nor are they something I would likely volunteer for.  I could see doing it once or twice as a favor or to repay a favor, but these aren't activities that float my boat in a general sense.

However, if I was asked to cook or clean for someone by my Mistress with expectations that I will do a thorough and quality job, this does tap into my subspace and I would willingly comply and most likely have an erection.  The fear of failing to meet her expectations in addition to the threat of punishment are very strong submissive triggers.

Working off of the descriptions used by the people's with views that don't quite coincide with my own, I find myself having to believe that there must be a significant submissive male population that "happily" does chores purely out of love and without the need for subspace.  My brain is at odds with this belief due to the number of complaints you will see about the number of subs that do not wish to partake in the service side of the lifestyle.  My rational self believes that the men in relationships who perform the services daily over the long-run find a way to access their subspace through this.

If anyone has any insight into this please share it with me.

This leads me to the second half that is more closely related to the Terms post and this is the relationship of control to Domspace.  The way that I am finding differences in the philosophies of Domme's is heavily rooted in their views on control.  Nearly all Dommes want to have control.  A smaller number of Dommes take pleasure in exerting, maintaining, and ensuring control.

I find this to be a crucial difference and falls at the core of what I have been trying to find words to convey for several years.  This difference has widespread effects in regards to the dynamics are set up within a relationship and often seems to determine the rules and consequences that go along with expectations.  This strongly affects views on punishment dynamics, chastity, and the like.

A Domme that only desires control may see exerting, maintaining, and ensuring control as a chore.  They may make a statement like "When I state an expectation I assume it will be met without the need for fear or threats."  This view is common and I believe it assumes that either subs do not require any extra motivation to enter subspace or that subs do not require subspace to to be wholly compliant.  This doesn't make things any less dominant, it just requires a sub to perform well in the absence of dynamics. 

A Domme that draws pleasure from exerting, maintaining, and ensuring control seems to be wired a bit differently.  Those acts are a source of enjoyment rather than reluctance.  They may enact punishment dynamics because they want the sub to feel fear and experience pain if they fall short of expectations.  They may add rules or twists to the routine to increase the intensity and/or cause the sub to struggle.  I believe all micro managers fall under this type.  I believe that Dommes that believe in maintenance punishment are also of this type.  If the rules are strict is maintenance actually needed?  Probably not, but it provides them a reason to make the sub suffer in the absence of failure and wielding this type of control appeals to them.  They do it because they want to and because they like it.

I'm kind of feeling like this is the best contrast I am going to get to but I'm not quite happy with being able to describe them at their essences without just tacking on a slew of examples of each.  I do feel like this has helped me reach some of the "missing perspective" that I was failing to understand from the first Domme type that I outlined above.  Unfortunately when I have encountered those types and asked questions, it was very clear to me that they do not want to explore it in detail.  I have to say that from the outside looking in, it is a hell of a lot harder to put these pieces together.

I am also curious if the submissive type that I spoke about in fact exists and what their feelings are like both when they are "in the mood" and not in the mood to perform their tasks.  I have mostly thought under the view that to find that fulfilling they would require subspace but I am open to the idea that they are just better and more pure than I am in a way that I struggle to relate to.

In any case, I hope that at least someone finds this interesting.

Wednesday, April 5, 2017

30 Days of submission: Day 16

Have you found your submission has changed with different partners/relationships? 

Yes.  My role and the form of my submission has changed to fit the preferences of the Dommes I have been with.  Each had their own style of dynamics they preferred and I followed suit.

K was a micro-manager and liked me to follow a strict rule set where I had very little freedom to act.  e.g. I had to ask for permission to go to the bathroom or to change position if she had me kneeling.  She was organized and kept a book that she would record marks in when I made rules infractions.  She enjoyed keeping attentive detail to my every move.

F had more of a M/s dynamic.  She had a lot of rituals for me such as how to greet her, how to enter and leave a room, and so on.   Many of her dynamics were focused upon elevating her status and debasing mine.  She loved the control and power.

T was a lot more casual.  She didn't care to have a lot of strict rules to check up on.  She would give me a set of tasks or things she wanted in the moment and I would do them.  Her strongest kink desires were mostly for play.

If you’re involved with partners of both sexes, does your submission relate or change based on gender or does it depend on the person?

I am only involved in romantic and sexual relationships with women.

30 Days of Kink: Day 16

What are the most difficult aspects of having a sexuality that involves kink or BDSM for you personally?

Oh, this post is going to feel good :P

1. Fear.  My sexuality has gotten so screwed up that vanilla relationships are no longer possible.  This means that if/when I am single, I face the uphill battle of kink-dating, which is sort of horrible when you are as deep as I am.

2. There are certain things I can't do even if she wants me to.  Want it doggie-style?  Too bad because I can't get it up unless I'm on bottom. 

3. Worry of exposure.  I don't care if people know I'm "into kink."  Hell, I'm willing to tell a lot of people that I'm a submissive (it's easier for them to grasp if I call it a sex slave).  I don't go into specifics unless it's a general idea of an act.  e.g. yes, I have spent a lot of time tied up.  Yes, I spend a lot of time performing cunnilingus.  However, there's a constant worry that some of my freakier self will get outed at some point and that would be harmful to my life in a bad way.  Probably.  I consider this an irrational fear that is rooted in a rational concern. 

Tuesday, April 4, 2017

Searching for a Term or Five

The world hates labels, but occasionally differences arise that make them desirable.  I like to disguise labels with the word "terminology."  Terms have a definition and give the term its unique meaning.  It's still a label but meh.

Something I find fascinating is that the varying number of sub terms but relatively few terms for dominants.  The majority of the terms are often simply the natural pairing for the sub type.    It's odd because it seems like every other year, new terms for sub types surface describing a demographic that has a critical difference or characteristic that is supposed to differentiate them from the people that are not that type.  While a good number of these are created by people hoping to appear exclusive and unique, every so often I dig up a term that seems like a very relevant description that is noteworthy.

I'm not sure exactly when the term emotional masochist first entered into the scene but it was definitely during a time that I wasn't really looking for information.  For ease, I will use the term "arouse" to mean sexual arousal/pleasure or arousal caused by subspace.  Nearly everyone is aware of the term masochist as an individual that gets aroused by experiencing physical pain.  Thus, an emotional masochist is someone that gets aroused by experiencing emotional pain (humiliation, degradation, etc.). 

The idea of emotional masochism sits at the foundation of the term I am searching for because its "natural pair" generally goes without a name but is often a source of great disagreement because the appropriately termed pairing, sadist, frequently fails to be its actual pairing.  That is, the people who deem themselves to be sadists are not always a fit for an emotional masochist. 

The dictionary definitions of sadists are basically: an individual that derives pleasure or sexual gratification for inflicting physical and/or emotional suffering on another.  While they will vary from dictionary to dictionary, they nearly always include both physical pain and some form of emotional pain (humiliation, degradation, etc.).  It is also used interchangeably whether they use "AND" vs. "OR" between the physical and emotional.  What is even more difficult is that dominants tend to use the term without regards for the AND and OR. 

Lady Grey generally hates it whenever I make a post referring to "non-sadist Dommes."  I can definitely understand the concern but I now realize that it is likely the AND and OR that is a major difference in views.  It's easiest to illustrate this if you think about a ruler you used in math class in school.  If you are in the US, it most likely included metric on one side and English standard on the other.  Using the AND definition of a sadist, this means a "ruler" has both metric and English standard units.  Using the OR definition, it means a ruler has either both metric and English, just metric, or just English units.

The working definition of sadist that I use in my mind is someone that gets pleasure from inflicting physical AND emotional pain.  Under this definition if someone is drawn to only one of the two, there is a need for terms such as "physical sadist" and "emotional sadist."   With that in mind, I have never had anyone refer to themselves by one of those terms, only the term itself, sadist. 

This becomes a natural sticking point on understanding when these definitions do not coincide.  I have come across a lot of sadists and the majority of them lean to the physical sadism only side of the spectrum.  I have never come across anyone that would label themselves a sadist but then lean mostly to the emotional sadism side of the spectrum.  This leaves the remaining two options being sadists that enjoy inflicting physical pain, and those that enjoy inflicting physical AND emotional pain. 

I want terms!  Anyone know some that differentiate these two?  Labels are bad, but I want one or two words that allows me to explain something without having to write 5 paragraphs. 

For those who haven't seen the contrast between these, a dual sadist (made up term) doesn't necessarily go out of their way to humiliate or degrade their sub but there are some key differences in what fuels their Domspace between the physical sadist.  An easy check is in regards to pain play. 

A physical sadist will get pleasure from inflicting pain but generally will only want to play with a masochist.  They get aroused by the play but want the comfort of knowing it is consensual and mutually pleasurable. 

A dual sadist (or whatever the hell you want to call it) will also get pleasure from inflicting pain on a masochist, but inflicting pain to a non-physical masochist adds a layer.  Hurting the sub while knowing that they do NOT enjoy it ticks the emotional suffering box. 

Just trying to read the last five paragraphs or so is probably quite painful.  That is why I'm searching for some terms...

30 Days of submission: Day 15

Has your submission evolved over time? 

Yes, it has evolved.

If so, how has it evolved for you and if not (or if you are just starting out) how might you see or imagine it evolving in the future?

A list is probably easiest for this.
  • My understanding of how I must mold myself to fit into a Domme's desired system of dynamics has grown by leaps and bounds.  Rather than searching for the "perfect fit" I realize that I must adapt to become her perfect fit.
  • The number of activities I am unwilling to partake in has shrunk dramatically.  I am much more willing to endure things if it is what she desires and I am less hung up on my own wants/limits.
  • The strictness and levels of control I am willing to submit to are much more advanced than in the beginning.
  • The extent to which I permit myself to be vulnerable has grown immensely.  
  • I have discovered deeper and deeper levels of subspace that continue to take my submission to new levels.

30 Days of Kink: Day 15

Write about a BDSM/kink activity you’re curious about and would like to try.

Aaaargh.  K, please don't judge me as a wanker here.  I've just been lucky enough to have experienced the majority of what I have ever wanted to do, so there aren't too many things left.

One scenario is being in a situation where there is another femsub that "outranks" me.  If the Domme is the alpha, the femsub is the beta, and I am the omega.  While the other sub submits to the Domme, both are able to exert dominance over me.

(Quick pet peeve: I hate it when people misuse the alpha/beta thing.  There is no such thing as an alpha sub.  Do about 3 minutes worth of research on pack dynamics and focus on the role of the beta and this will make total sense).  

Another scenario would be serving multiple Dommes at the same time.  While I'm sure there are particulars that might be more interesting than others, I'll just leave it in a general sense here.

Monday, April 3, 2017

30 Days of submission: Day 14

Does religion have any bearing on your decision to submit? 

None whatsoever.
If not, are you familiar with religious based submission and do you view it as similar to other types of submission or dissimilar?

Too familiar.  

If you want to classify anything remotely similar, the type of D/s in my life has possibly been similar to a caste system, but it still violated those principles by involving love across the castes.

30 Days of Kink: Day 14

How would you say real life BDSM/kink varies from fantasy BDSM/kink? If you haven’t experienced real life BDSM/kink how do you think it might differ?

I think the primary difference between real life and fantasy are long-term consequences, repercussions, and after-effects.

I believe in fantasy it's easy to envision intense activities without worrying too much about the future.  E.g. In fantasy a punishment or beating might be incredibly severe.  In reality, the effects of that punishment may lead to bruising, scars, soreness, and the like that will affect you until it heals.  It is also easy for someone to fantasize about say, permanent chastity but the actual reality would end up being too much for them to bear in the long run.

While I do believe that fantasy has a good number of benefits for people, there is also sometimes a tendency to exaggerate a Domme's characteristics and abilities.  There is a lot of backlash against fantasy due to it creating unrealistic expectations.  This is always something to keep in mind.  

I believe I have been able to temper myself pretty well at creating "realistic" fantasies that take a lot of factors into consideration such as the Domme's preferences, time, space, money, and the like.

Sunday, April 2, 2017

30 Days of submission: Day 13

Is sexual availability, being available to your partner any time he or she wants, part of your submission? 

Yes, it has been.

Why or why not? 

Because sexual interaction is pleasurable for both parties.  I also find that being expected to please no matter my mood contributes to a D/s dynamic.

Are there limits to this?

Yes.  I have never expected to leave work and be there "right now."  This would get in the way of affecting my livelihood, which is part of my hard limits.

However, if I am available, I am expected to cater to her wishes.

30 Days of Kink: Day 13

Explain as best you can what the appeal of kink/BDSM is to you? 

There are a handful of things that appeal to me, some of which are "good" reasons while others are "bad."  

One reason is that my lack of success with dating led to me struggling with my confidence level when it came to interacting with women in a romantic way.  I was uncertain on how to read them and preferred to defer initiating contact.  While I had been told dozens of times over that it is unattractive to ask permission to kiss someone, it seemed better to be unattractive and ask than force my way in when it wasn't welcome.  I am now much better versed at reading signs but old habits die hard.  Once in a relationship I have no trouble instigating contact.  

My psychological damage and abuse from childhood make obedience, expectations, and the like fairly second nature.  It actually feels more peaceful to have restrictions and expectations than to act purely upon my own free will.  In addition to the romantic side, D/s flows easily in this way for me as well.

Bondage, collars, locks, and the like appeal to me on a deeper level.  They make me feel safe and valued.  Protected.  Kept.  If you have a nice bicycle you put a sturdy lock on it.  When she locks me in I feel like she thinks I'm something of value.

This last bit I didn't really come to understand until recently, but I have come to know that a handful of things had become built up in a strange way within me due to shaming.  Like, a woman in a fur coat I saw as being irresistibly attractive but also taboo and almost sacred.  When that reality is forced upon me I can't rationally cope with it and I just melt.

Why are you drawn to what you’re drawn to?

D/s makes logical sense to me.  Do well and you are rewarded with attention and affection.  Do badly and you will be punished and shunned.  I'm pretty damn good at doing well. 

Bondage I'm 99% certain comes from M and I've written about this enough times where I probably don't have to repeat it.

Fur is a stranger one.  In a lot of ways I'm just Lenny who wants to pet the puppies (ideally without a neck-breaking wake of destruction).  I believe this comes from early childhood where our house was very dry in the winter and my parents would put various items in my crib to keep me from rubbing my skin raw.  A fur pelt, a silk blanket, etc.    

The weirdness comes in I believe with the taboo of the shaming.  For years I developed a "look but don't touch, and then feel ashamed for looking," way of it.  Fur was always on women and those women became special.  Untouchable Goddesses.  Seeing as some of my earliest exposure to Femdom happened while looking for photos of women in fur on the NTCweb site, the two became intertwined in a weird way.

I Love Dominant Women (especially the bloggers)

I deleted four posts today because I didn't care for the negative places my brain was taking me.  It's a hard habit to shake as I seem to continuously uncover writings that upset me more often than writings that make me feel good about being submissive. 

In the past few days I have come across a handful of writings that just make me feel proud to be a submissive.  To the dominant women that love submissive men, we love you back.

There aren't many corners on the internet where submissive men can turn to find people that like us.  There aren't many people that see our qualities and strengths.  The harsh judging eyes of the world often see us as weak, not "real" men, pushovers, deviants, and the like.  Dominant women are the one group that make us feel normal and proud.

As much as I might talk about the difficulty in approaching Dommes and the very high standards that are set for male subs, I don't actually mind it.  I don't see it as something to complain about.  I see it in a pragmatic way.  This is reality.  This is the challenge.  This is the mountain that we must climb.  This is the testament of effort and sacrifice... because it's worth it.  If someone can't handle this, do they deserve it?

Rising to the challenge of courting Dommes has kept me in a state of constant evolution and improvement.  They expect the best of me so I will be the best version of me.  "What you see is what you get" is death.  If she believes in me she will push me to be better tomorrow than I was today... every day... forever.  Can you picture just how great we can become if we never stop improving?

I love the thought of someone having so much faith in me that she would ask that of me.  It makes me the best I can be. 

To all the dominant women out there, especially the bloggers, keep being the amazing people that you are.  You are truly inspiring.

Fur Fetish 2017

I've shared some snippets here and there, written about certain aspects of this, incorporated it into my fiction, and written bits and pieces about how fur has come into play over the course of my life, but I've never really tied it all together. While I know that this has become more of a D/s blog, I'm feeling like writing about this.

In the past few months I have had a few people have moral conflicts with my enjoyment of fur.  I have a very large philosophy background and don't mind conversing about it if people do have questions.  I'm also fairly politically informed on some of these subjects and I make a habit of knowing where things come from (fur, meat, produce, etc.).  I know I will probably never see eye to eye with many of these people, but I can assure any of them that I like animals.  I dislike cruelty to animals.  My pets are and have been very dear to me.  I don't really care to spoil the spirit of this post so I will leave it at this, but I figure it is worth mentioning.  I don't ignore it, I just have a system of moral priorities that fall in a specific order.  I don't mind discussing it in a civil manner via email.

I should probably note that in most arenas I downplay this side of myself (the fur, not the morality).  Acknowledging a fetish outside the norm seems scream "wanker" and bring about undue judgement.  Tack on the sissy stigma and I may as well change my username to "they_call_me_pariah".  So, it stays hidden unless someone asks and people don't usually ask.

The origins of this blog date back to a more confused version of me that was still trying to grasp what had been made of me and how it all fit into the crazy-ass psyche that makes up my person.  A lot of my identity, both submissive and sexual, had become intertwined in with the way that my fetish was twisted.  It's probably easier to get to that by starting at the beginning.  My apologies if any of these parts overlap with my 30 days posts, I honestly wrote so far ahead in them and scheduled them for posting that I don't quite remember which day is which.

When I was a baby in winter our house would get very dry.  Like... VERY dry.  Skin cracking, nose bleeding, static inducing dry.  Apparently I had a habit of rubbing my face against the bottom of a wooden crib, doing so until it would get raw and dry.  The chosen solution was to put some soft things in there lining the bottom.  A silky blanket and a fur pelt were among them.  My memories start at around 9 months and many of them include the feel of soft, silky, and comforting things on my face.  Early on I was someone that enjoyed touching things like that.  It was just an innocent enjoyment of tactile pleasure.  I liked how fur feels.  I liked to pet our cats.  I liked the touch of it on my face.

My (non-biological adopted) sister was insecure at a fairly young age.  Our adopted mother was quite good at breeding complexes.  She had two extra years to develop them before she began to mimic the behavior.  By the time I was three I had developed a fine sense of shame.  I went from being an expressive child who would touch and feel things openly to one that wanted to touch them but was ashamed to do so.  I would stand and resist, knowing if I did not I would bring ridicule.  These sowed the seeds of guilt and were likely what primed me for what was to come.

My experiences with racial harassment began at four.  While I will not recount these here, they opened up some deep wounds and insecurities and caused me to close off part of my heart.  Soon after followed the incident I recounted a few months ago where my sister caught me petting her fur coat and shamed me to tears with my mother's support.  The lesson was driven home: fur is for women and girls, not for boys.

After that I buried my desires inside of me.  I kept the inner-workings of my heart private.  I learned to bury my true feelings and keep them secret from the world.  Over these next few years M's bondage games became a part of my life and I found myself continuously drawn to fur.  If there was a picture in a magazine, a woman in a coat, and the like... I would stare from my peripherals, fighting every desire to look and to touch.  If my action figures came out with a new winter character, I would save up my money and buy it.  It just wouldn't let go.

This was especially difficult at school.  There was always that girl with the fur collar or hood ruff, or a pair of fur earmuffs.  I would watch in secret, never letting anyone know.  I spent so much time doing it and keeping it a secret that I'm not even sure when I became attracted to it.  As I matured and women became more desirable, I began to notice more things.  In some ways, wearing fur had become as attractive to me as a nice pair of breasts or some beautiful eyes.  It was a part of the whole, but a great big plus if it was there.  I noticed that the girls and women in fur seemed to also enjoy the tactile pleasure.  From the corner of their eye I would catch them rubbing it or petting it or pressing it against their cheek.  This was completely okay, because fur is for women.

Around the time I was 18 I discovered NTCweb while looking for pictures of women in fur to "appreciate."  My sexual fantasy still heavily revolved around being bound by M, and NTC was the perfect site to merge the bondage and fur obsessions.  It was there that I discovered Femdom and all sorts of terrifying images that scared me.  I kept all of this private to me but the desires continued to grow.

Through many of these years I was in my process of failing at vanilla dating.  This was the process where I became submissive.  This was the process where I evolved to love, serve, and focus upon the needs of another.  It was strange because this side of myself was kept completely separate from the hidden fur/bondage/femdom side.  The two did not interact.  It was my heart and lack of confidence that kept me pursuing the identity of the "perfect lover."

The fur/bondage part of me was kept completely hidden from everyone until K.  When she accepted me both as her lover and submissive I was ecstatic.  It was early on in our relationship where she wanted me to reveal everything about myself and I was finally able to unburden myself with the fur secret.  I'll never forget the happiness I felt when she didn't shame me for it, and instead, she contacted a friend and borrowed a fur hat to get used to the feel and immediately began shopping for fur to wear.  It was the greatest feeling of my entire life... that is until she told me she enjoyed it too.  The relief that I felt that I could look with my eyes focused and not my peripherals and not feel ashamed was amazing.  I loved her so very much.

She loved how fur felt and wanted me to rub it on her skin.  It made her feel sexy because she knew how  much it turned me on when she wore it.  I was the luckiest man on the face of the earth.  Until she took to it so much that she was absolutely determined that I would enjoy it as well.  That led to the fateful day at the fur/leather shop where I disobeyed her and the ensuing punishment that was to follow (the full recount is in Reflections part 2).

It was then that she discovered that I was still too inhibited to wear it on my own, but that if she forced me, I would comply.  The feelings that transpired sent me into a shame spiral with all of the voices from the past blasting me with ridicule.  Fur is for women.  You're a freak.  No one will want to be around a boy that wears girl's clothes.  Being forced to live in this state trapped me in a subspace so deep that it felt like torture.  Not long after this began to amuse her and any desire she had for me to get over my shame was reversed: she tended to it like a fire, adding the wood and stoking it to keep it burning.  That was the birth of "fur sissy."

After her passing this continued with F.  After F moved it continued with T.

I have tried not to look back and regret.  Writing out my reflections helped me finally accept things as they happened and try to embrace the good with the bad.  That being said, if I could go back and change one thing, I would.

When K started incorporating the "fur sissy" part into my orgasms she had no idea that I was being sexually conditioned.  It started out as something that she amused her Domspace but after that I think she just didn't notice that I was having fewer and fewer "natural" orgasms and for the last few months of us, fewer meant zero.  Out of everything that has happened to me in the kink world, aside from losing K, finding out that my sexuality was tied to being humiliated with fur was the next most difficult thing for me to come to terms with.  To be honest, it still embarrasses the hell out of me when I have to explain it.

Thankfully, since being with K I haven't found it difficult at all to introduce a love of fur to the women I have been with.  I'm very grateful that my fetish never went "inanimate," like how it occasionally does with subs and shoes.  I don't get aroused by a fur pelt sitting on a table.  I may want to touch it, but I'm only drawn to it if it is somehow wrapped around a woman... or not.  Here my wishful thinking gets the best of me.  I would love to say I am only drawn to it in that way, but I secretly know I'm also drawn to it if I can picture it being used to humiliate me.  It makes my face turn red and my heart hurts when I admit to it, but it's the truth.

Getting back to the point, the women I have been with enjoy that it feels good.  The like to touch it.  They like how I look at them, aching with desire, when they wear it.  It makes them feel powerful and sexy.  It keeps them warm in the nasty bitter winter cold that we have here.  They like that other women ask to pet them when they wear it.  It makes them feel special because it was a gift from me.

Now that I look back upon it all, I have to wonder if more damage had been done by shaming me than it saved me from had I been left to my own devices.  Would I have ended up down the same path?  Would I feel as much guilt and shame about who I am?  I know none of these questions really matter, they are just what flow through my head as this post comes to a close.