My first requested portrait

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Fetish, Happiness, and Subspace

Lady Grey left some good comments on my last post.  I had started working through some additional thoughts in a full post but about halfway through I found myself just sort of spinning in circles and unsure of where I was going, so here's take two.

My other post was me trying to figure out if it's an actual activity that "does it" for me or if it's more about the situation than the actual events.

I kind of look at my submissive self in three different ways:
1.  Things that drive me sexually.
2.  Things that I need to be happy.
3.  Things that increase my subspace.

My sexual drives are what I consider to be my fetishes.  They pretty much turn me on all the time and aren't things that are directly related to a woman's anatomy or figure (e.g. I don't consider enjoying breasts a fetish).  My list of these things includes:
-A woman's aggressive and dominant personality.
-Being a submissive (which I think is slightly different than just being submissive).
-Women wearing fur or fur-trimmed clothing.
-Women wearing certain styles of boots.
-Women wearing certain styles of gloves.
-The touch of fur.
-Bondage: both restraining and ornamental (e.g. collars).
-"Safe" humiliation and emasculation (safe = controlled environment with no risk).
-Tease and Denial.

Those things really make me tick sexually but at the same time.  What I choose to fantasize about in my free time usually involves many of these but often goes well beyond what I might actually want to do.

Things that I need to be happy:

-Love
-Trust/security (I know that if I do my part she won't abandon me)
-Subspace (it gives me inner peace)


Things that increase my subspace (sorry if any of these seem redundant):
-Inequality of power.
-The removal of "true" choice and freedom.
-Expectations of perfection and strict consequences.
-Humiliation/Emasculation.
-Feeling inferior.
-Having actions or activities forced upon me.
-Justifications for cruelty (e.g. this is for your own good, you can't control your penis, etc.).
-Mind fucks.

These seem really easy to understand when I look at activities that I consciously enjoy and know turn me on.  e.g. Being chained down to a bed by a Venus in Furs who teases my nipples.

However, it becomes more complicated when I look at activities that I don't don't enjoy (or even flat out dislike) but they give me some beneficial feelings in other ways.  They tend to feed each other in a circular manner.  In my last post I referenced pegging, forced feminization, and chastity.  When I think of pegging in general, it doesn't do anything to me.  The same goes for forced fem and chastity.  If I incorporate a situation involving a dominant woman and circumstances surrounding each of those activities, it "does it" for me.  I have experienced each of these things and found they held some positives and some negatives but pegging doesn't release that basic trigger in me like a Venus in Furs might.

I tried to look for the commonalities across all things, both the ones that I enjoy and the ones that I didn't and really only found one thing:  A woman with the capacity and desire for cruelty.

It's not that I would want to be pegged again but I desire a woman that would peg me if she felt like it.  It's not that I crave forced fem but I desire a woman that would make me dress up or face severe consequences.  It's not that I crave chastity but I desire a woman that might force it upon me as a punishment or just because she felt like it.  I don't like being spanked but I desire a woman that would spank me whenever she felt like it.

I don't know if this is the act or the idea of the act.  Knowing that I don't crave the act but crave the potential that the act might happen regardless of what I want makes me a bit confused. 

I'm starting to get a bit frustrated since I haven't come to an answer on this but when I envision a woman that does whatever she wants regardless of whether I like it or hate it I get turned on.  Now I am realistic, love, trust, and subspace would have to be involved for me to feel happy and satisfied.  I also doubt I could be happy with a Domme that was also an active member of PETA (I would rather her dress in fur and keep me in chastity than not wear it at all). 

So... a fur-appreciating Mistress that loves me and enjoys doing things that put me into deep subspace is probably the greatest satisfaction I could hope for and I crave that more than I would any one activity. 

But alas... this still doesn't really find the answers I was looking for.  I will mull it over for the next few days.

The "abused slave" Fantasy

I finally got around to commenting on Lady Grey's post of The Appeal of Disinterest (that also featured one of my drawings as an example) and I had a few thoughts come together that I was able to connect to many aspects of my kink.

I know I've probably written something almost identical to this in the past but if I did, it's not something fresh in my memory so please forgive me if this seems redundant.

I've spent a lot of time over the years trying to figure out why certain fantasies "do it" for me sexually when I damn well know that I wouldn't want a lifestyle like that.  I'd also wondered why I rarely connect with others that seem to share the same fetishes that I do.  I titled this post as the "abused slave" fantasy since that was the first thing that came to mind but I will cover a few others in this regards.  

Picture this fantasy that can be found in thousands of Femdom fetish fiction stories around the internet:
A man is kidnapped and kept against his will by a beautiful, cruel, rich Mistress that takes him as her live in slave and forces him to do whatever she wants while she beats him unmercifully and he's never allowed an ounce of joy or freedom. 

If a random assortment of 100 male subs read this story and got turned on, there is likely a major difference between why they got turned on.  There are extreme slaves out there but they are usually quite rare, so I would assume that out of those 100, 4 of them were subs that were truly cut out for the lifestyle depicted in the fantasy.  The remaining 96 probably wouldn't be, so why are all 100 of them masturbating to the same story?

I think the root of this divide is the act vs. the environment.  For everyone that gets turned on by a scenario, a handful have a fetish for the activity and the majority have a fetish for the situation surrounding the activity.  I think that many subs may feel like they have a larger kink-interest base than they really do because of this.  I think this is one of the reasons that many subs end up appearing "fake" when confronted with a real situation:  they want the woman capable of doing such things but not the things that she actually does.

In many ways I think I have been uncertain as to why particular activities have turned me on.  I know with a post during my last pegging picture I had wondered why I drew it (and why it turned me on drawing it).  I hate the activity of being pegged.  I enjoy the humiliation and submission it brings on and the idea of a woman willing to strip me of my dignity.  Forced feminization has a similar role within me.  The act of crossdressing does nothing for me, the humiliation of a woman making me dress that way is a huge turn on.  Chastity is something I hate but the idea of a woman forcing it upon me is a turn on. 

I guess when I really break it down I don't have that many "true" fetishes.  I know I was able to realize these characteristics about individual activities but I don't think I ever connected it as a whole. 

I was hoping to work on that drawing I talked about in my last post but...

it seems my inner motivation and libido have gone dormant for the time being.

Hopefully I'll finish it up soon.