Saturday, April 24, 2010

A Little Imagery


I was digging through an old hard drive and found this picture from a play session I had several years ago with a former Mistress.  She dressed me up, handcuffed my hands behind my back, put me in leg irons, gagged me and blindfolded me, secured a leash to my collar and the other end around a pole and turned out the lights (I'm not sure why she needed to do that since I was blindfolded).  She scattered the keys to the locks around the room then proceeded to video tape me using the video camera's night vision while I crawled around on my knees trying to find the keys and unlock myself.  This picture is from a screen capture she sent me from the video tape... I really hope that tape has since been destroyed...

Since the leash was only 6' long I was able to find the keys within about 15 minutes although she didn't make it easy by repeatedly pushing me over and nudging and jabbing me with her boots. 

She really made things tough with how she dressed me that evening.  That day she brought me my first (and only) bra.  It was a thrift store purchase, about 8" too small for my chest to fit comfortably and had a really stiff under-wire and sequins on the front that had very scratchy backings inside the bra cup (which is why she chose the bra).  The under-wire dug into my skin and the bra pinched and rubbed very uncomfortably under the couple-of-sizes-too-small skin-tight sweater she ordered me to wear.  It seemed to get tighter and more uncomfortable with every passing minute. 

Once I found the keys to the handcuffs the real difficulty began.  I really hated those handcuffs.  They were heavy-duty double-locking police handcuffs that were really uncomfortable and made my wrists ache after a few minutes of having them on.  She cuffed me palms facing out but thankfully left the key-holes facing my hands.  Also, she had locked them on over a pair of thick chunky knit mittens with huge fur cuffs.  The handcuffs made the mittens impossible to remove (they were locked on between the fur cuffs and hand) and the small handcuff key kept getting caught in the yarn of the mittens.  I would have it in my hand and it would stick in the yarn sideways and I'd have to fidget until the key would fall out only to have to pick it up again.  She had taken the key off the key chain so that every time it would fall it would land flat on the ground and I'd have to struggle to pick it up again. 

Each time I would finally get a good grip on the key and try to unlock the handcuffs, I would contort into a position and the fur cuffs would block the keyhole or the key would get tangled in the fur and bury itself into the yarn of the mittens again, forcing me to repeat the process of freeing the key, dropping it, and picking it back up.  After about 10 minutes of this she got a bit bored and set the camera down on the table with it aimed at me and she sat down and started to masturbate.  When my whimpering started to fade she yelled out that for every minute it took me to free myself I would be very sorry.  She kept asking me questions about how I should be punished while she masturbated, demanding answers and then laughing at my grunts coming from behind the gag.  Every few minutes she would call out the time, taunting me with how much I would hate the punishment and that it would keep getting worse, taking great pleasure in my escalating whimpers of panic and desperation. 

Finally, after 52 minutes I was able to get the key into the keyhole and crank it all the way to one side to release the double lock, and then all the way back the other direction to release the lock.  With my hands freed I collapsed on the floor, every muscle in my body aching and sore.  She got up and removed my gag and blindfold and had me remove my leg irons.  After a minute or two of rest she ordered me to kneel in front of her and worship her feet while she praised me for my effort and scolded me for taking so long, but she made it very clear how much she loved that I would suffer for her (as I have mentioned before, I am not a masochist).   

After that she handcuffed me again (this time with my palms facing inward, which is a LOT more comfortable) and took me over her knee.  She put on a pair of leather gloves, flipped the back of my skirt up onto my back and spanked me until I cried as punishment for taking so long.  When she finished she rubbed my red behind and chided me saying I only had 51 more of those spankings left.  She had me kneel next to her while she petted my head for a minute or two before ordering me back kneeling in front of her, having me kiss her boots for several minutes while she talked about her plans for the next few days and when we would be together again.

She had me stop and told me she had to get ready to leave.  This was one of the only times she ever had some regret about how rough she was with me.  As she had me change back into my normal clothes she saw the bruises on my wrists and ankles caused by the metal cuffs and she must have felt a bit guilty since she told me not to worry about the 51 spankings she had said were to come.  She whispered to me me that since I took so long I wouldn't be allowed to orgasm until our next meeting and then she hugged me and kissed me before going on her way.

That was a rather intense evening and it's still a fairly vivid memory.

I believe the above picture was from a point where she pressed her boot down on the back of my neck and pressed my chin to the floor while zooming in on my hands. 

On a side note, she did this again with me several times (it must have given her a lot of pleasure), with the worst of it happening when she put the handcuffs on palms facing out and had the keyhole facing the elbow and used an even shorter leash.  It took over 90 minutes that time.

The Root of submission

I read some rather harsh comments to a post on a blog that I follow and it got me thinking a bit about something I hadn't thought about in quite a while.

The topic in question is:  are men submissive out of love and devotion or is it due to sexual arousal?

In my perfect submissive ideal I would wish that the nature of my submission was purely out of love and devotion and obeying the natural order of Female Supremacy.

In reality, all men are flawed creatures and submissive men are especially vulnerable to the calling of their penis (which aids in making us easy to control and exploit).  I am no exception to this rule.

Going back to the question at hand, do I submit out of love or is it because it turns me on?

I don't think there's a clear-cut polarized answer.  It reminds me a bit of the arguments for and against the existence of altruism.  Do people behave altruistically because it is good to be altruistic or are they truly selfish and behave this way because it makes them feel good about themselves?

Can't it be both?  While I'm sure how much each side contributes to their decision varies a lot from person to person, I don't think there are many (or any) people out there who could honestly say they do something altruistic purely out of good will (although they might wish this were true).  I also don't think there are many people out there who would do it solely to make themselves feel good.  In most cases I think it's both reasons that would drive them to act that way (but I do believe that if someone were to fall into a single answer it is more likely they did it for themselves). 

Similarly, I don't think there are many subs in long-term D/s relationships who submit purely out of love, nor are there many subs in long-term D/s relationships who submit purely for sexual arousal.  I think finding a single answer is unlikely and for most of these subs it is varying degrees of both.  Removing the long-term D/s relationship qualification, I believe it is more likely to find the latter type, such as a husband who cheats on his wife with a pro dominatrix for the sexual rush. 

Since I definitely fall into the "both" category, does this make me less of a sub?  Maybe slightly, but I don't think it's worth beating myself up over it.  Even the best intentions can be derailed by the call of the penis.  Also, I can name at least a dozen things that would be far worse actions to be aroused by.

Does answering both make me less of a man?  Well... sadly, it probably makes me more of a man.

All I know for sure is that I submit because it feels right.  I submit because it feels natural.  It turns me on to submit.  I am a flawed submissive male that is grateful for being given the chance to submit.

The Appeal of a Femdom Relationship - What's in it for them? Types of Dommes and how to please them.

It's easy to rattle off clich├ęs about the benefits of Femdom relationships to women, but the reality of it is that the needs of both parties involved must be met for the relationship to be truly fulfilling and happy.

The reality of it is that there's far fewer Female Dominants than there are male submissives (I know I'm beating a dead horse when I say this again) and for the male subs out there either seeking to convert their current lover into a Dominant or attempting to court a Domme, trying to understand just what makes them tick can help a lot in the long run.  These reasons may or may not correspond with the lifestyle you are looking for but in many cases there is some middle ground that can be reached that will be rewarding and sustainable on a relationship level.

Any Domme (or potential Domme) will have a variety of factors inside them that, when stirred, will get their blood pumping and help unleash their sexual power.  These factors are the ones that reach to the core of their personality and usually tread the lines of what we consider taboo in modern society. 

I will ignore benefits such as avoiding having to perform mundane household chores (since I don't know a woman who wouldn't prefer being able to avoid those things) as well as Dommes who purely seek financial gain through exploiting willing submissive men.  Anyone with a willing heart and a pulse is capable of filling the submissive roles required by these situations.

So where exactly does the drive to live this lifestyle and pleasure from this lifestyle come from for her?  In my experiences in both vanilla and D/s relationships as well as female friends I have had over the years I believe there's sets of both active and passive roles inside every woman that are the keys to her heart, mind, and sexuality.

In an active role a woman derives pleasure from the things that she does.
In a passive role a woman derives pleasure from the things that are done to or for her. 

Women, being the superior creatures that they are, tend to be quite a bit more complicated than many of the male subs out there and so they usually cannot be pigeon-holed into just one category.  Most Dommes will take on a mixture of roles and they may shift between frequently or have several of them show up at the same time. 

Here are a few of them that come to mind (sorry if you don't like the names I'm giving them, I'm just making them up as I go along).  If you can think of any other types let me know and I can try to write more.  If you are looking to convert a wife or girlfriend into more of a Dominant, take some time pondering exactly which of these best-match the characteristics of her personality.

Active Roles

The Sensualist (common)
The Sensualist enjoys the physical pleasures of sexuality and the heightened response caused by of arousal.  While she will likely thrive on the receiving end of sexual pleasure the pleasure in her active role happens through playful teasing of her sub's arousal and manipulating his physical responses.  Tease & denial, orgasm denial, strict orgasm control, and ruined orgasms are common activities for Sensualists.  Expect her to want to see you squirm.

Sensualists are fairly common amongst both BDSM and vanilla women.  They generally enjoy sexual activities and subs wishing to stay sexually active in a D/s relationship may wish to pursue this type of Domme.

The Sadist (uncommon)
The Sadist enjoys inflicting pain and suffering on her subs.  Her pleasure is usually derived from the whimpers and cries from her sub as she performs painful and uncomfortable actions upon them and the knowledge that she is making them suffer.  Corporal punishment, CBT, and heavy bondage are frequently involved.  Sadists will also frequently implement chastity as another form of suffering.

You will find two distinct types of Sadists out there.  One type will feel guilty for taking pleasure in inflicting pain.  These Sadists will generally seek out subs that are masochistic pain sluts and that gain arousal and pleasure through pain.  The other type of Sadists experience these pleasures guilt-free.  Guilt-free Sadists will usually prefer subs that are not masochists since she will likely prefer it when subs derive no pleasure from their pain.

The Tease (very common)
The Tease is similar to the Sensualist but there are some key differences.  Teases enjoy getting their subs aroused and draw confidence and pleasure from knowing they are the object of desire.  As this continues it can feed their desire to tease and increase the level of intensity and pleasure they derive from doing so.  While it might start out by dressing provocatively and some mild flirting it may eventually escalate to getting a sub's hopes (and penis) raised through the roof and then knocking them down without a second thought.

Also like Sensualists, Teases are quite common amongst both BDSM and vanilla women.  These types of Dommes are often quite playful and if they carry a cruel streak, they may often enjoy humiliation as well.

The Controller (very uncommon)
Controllers are often the types of Dommes that subs fantasize about in stories but it's rare to find a woman who wishes to be in this role for more than a small fraction of the time.  Controllers are known for wanting to micro-manage the majority of their sub's lives and derive their pleasure from wielding power over their sub.  In a relationship with a Controller you can probably expect nearly expectation and behavior being spelled out for you:  what time to wake up, what time to go to sleep, what to wear, what kind of haircut to get, what job to have, when you need to be home, if you can leave the room, if you can enter the room, chastity, etc.

It seems that controllers are often the most-fantasized about type of Domme but this is also probably the least common type of Domme out there.  They do exist, but it takes a very rare type of personality to be bothered with a lot of the tedious factors involved with micro-managing.  If you seek this type I would recommend only pursuing those who have pretty much described themselves as being this way.  If you are attempting to turn your wife/girlfriend into a Domme, I really wouldn't try to lead her down this path (at least not for a long time).  A few women might enjoy making a sub ask for permission to go to the bathroom but most women would rather not be bothered having to answer that question.

The Disciplinarian (uncommon)
Disciplinarians are an interesting type.  They aren't pure Sadists since their physical punishments aren't wanton and they find ways to justify the need for punishment.  They aren't pure Controllers either since they tend to wait until after an action has been performed by their sub to show their colors.  A Disciplinarian draws pleasure on several fronts and in exactly what way can be fairly complicated to describe.  It is a mixture of control within her situation, having a subject forced to bend to her demands, and power wielded over that subject in delivering punishment.  Being in a relationship with a Disciplinarian you should expect strict behavioral expectations and regular sessions of corporal punishment.  Extensive rituals and mannerisms may be expected as well.

Disciplinarians are often perfectionists with long memories and this behavior is often learned from her experiences with her parents.  If you struggle with self-esteem issues it is probably wise to avoid these types of relationships as feeling like you've failed her will probably be a regular occurrence. 

The Humiliator (uncommon)
Humiliators are similar to Sadists but you can think of them more as "Emotional Sadists."  The Humiliator draws her pleasure from pain, suffering, and anguish inflicted on a mental and emotional level.  Seeing you blush, looking/feeling ashamed, and overall, finding ways to make you squirm and writhe in your own skin are what makes her tick along with the knowledge that she has someone devoted who will suffer in this way just for her.  Forced dressing, public outings, and being shown off to her friends are a few activities you could expect in a relationship with a Humiliator.

You may find some Humiliators that prefer to be at the cause of the humiliation and others that prefer to take more of a spectator role, observing the humiliation of her sub taking place and often forcing the sub to instigate the humiliating situation (which yields additional level of mental anguish).  Also, many Humiliators are also Sadists and/or Teases.   

The Top (common)
Tops want to call all of the shots in the bedroom.  They know how they want things to be and that is the way that it happens.  Tops derive their pleasure from sexual activities that display their power over their sub.  The pleasure may be one-sided and those situations may escalate their dominant feelings.  Activities such as extended cunnilingus sessions, face-sitting, light bondage, gender/role reversal, and pegging are quite common with Tops.

Tops are also fairly common among both vanilla and BDSM women but the more extreme the sexual activity, the less common they will be. 

The Cuckoldress (very uncommon)
I'm not sure exactly sure how Cuckoldresses draw their pleasure but I have a feeling that it comes to them in several ways.  In making a cuckold of her sub, a Cuckoldress displays her power on several fronts that can affect both her and her sub.  By taking a lover she shows that her sexual needs are of primary importance and this can also mean that her sub's status is so diminished that he is no longer worthy of her as a lover.  She can also use this as a tool to humiliate her sub through diminished status and/or showing that his penis is inferior.  Chastity, forced voyeurism, forced homosexuality, and post-orgasm cunnilingus are common activities with this type of relationship.

Overall, Cuckoldresses are usually fairly complex in their motivations and reasons.  It is more common for long-standing D/s relationships to "grow" to this point over a long period of time than to have this happen quickly.  Trust must be firmly rooted for a relationship with a Cuckoldress to work out in the long run.

Passive Roles

The Goddess (very common)
The Goddess is an object of reverence, devotion, and adoration.  She sit in a position of power, her status elevated above the men that worship her.  Her desires are granted no matter what effort is required to do so.  She wants to feel like she has been placed on a pedestal and is the most important person in the world.  While a Goddess can basically obtain anything she wants, the root of her pleasure is from feeling special, feeling important, and having a loyal and devoted sub.

Most women wish to feel this way.  If you understand women in the slightest and hope to make one happy you will probably have good luck catering towards a Goddess both in vanilla and BDSM relationships.

The Powerful (common)
The Powerful can be similar to a Goddess but her drive is to feel the power of being the pant-wearing decision-maker.  She wants the final say in every important decision and that may extend over into minor decisions depending upon her mood.

Even though she is a Powerful, keep in mind there are times when she will not wish to have to make every trivial decision and it's up to you to have enough personality to manage in those times.  If she asks you what you would like for dinner, there's a good chance she is looking for ideas on what to have for dinner and repeating back "whatever you would like" again and again is likely to piss her off.  Answer her with a "how about ?" and know she will either veto or agree.  

The Pampered (very common)
The Pampered is also very similar to a Goddess but draws her primary pleasure in a different way.  She thrives on feeling catered to and waited on.  This will be a large part of day to day life and probably also bleed into the bedroom. 

With these types of Dommes be ready to flex your sub-skills to make her happy.  Being able to give her a great massage, mix her favorite drink perfectly, and showering her with gifts will go a long ways. 

The Man-Hater (uncommon)
While this might be viewed as an active role, I believe the pleasure that a Man-Hater derives from Femdom is more of a mindset than any one action.  Man-Haters are usually lesbians and generally harbor some long-standing hatred towards the male gender (often caused by trauma).  Man-Haters will usually dominate a male sub in several active roles usually with the intent of punishing them for being a man or using them as a representation of the entire male gender. 

While a relationship with a Man-Hater may be a form of fantasy, it is unlikely that a long-term healthy relationship could be sustained. 

The Female Supremacist (uncommon)
Female Supremacists may share similar characteristics to several of the other passive roles but they derive pleasure from feeling like a superior woman to an inferior man.  Many of the activities that may happen aren't viewed as luxuries, but seen more as the way things should be.   

Relationships with Female Supremacists have the potential to reach the greatest levels of intensity and often the most extreme activities.  I would recommend steering clear of these relationships unless you genuinely believe in Female Supremacy.

The Insecure (common)
The Insecure are Dommes that tend to go after Femdom relationships because they feel safer and more secure in them.  These relationships often aren't very healthy because rather than dominating out of confidence, they tend to dominate due to lack of confidence.  This may be only a temporary stage in a woman's life but it is difficult to maintain a healthy relationship with them while they are this way. 

I know that everyone feels insecure sometimes about something and so when I reference this group I mean it only for rather extreme cases.  If you can ride things out they may change for the better but it may take a lot of work, a lot of pain, and a decent amount of time for that to happen.  If you find yourself in one of these relationships and want to make things work my advice is to stay loyal, stay loving, and always give it your all.

Thursday, April 22, 2010

Mmm...

I wanted to lighten some things up a bit after my last post, so here's a picture. 

I've wanted to get a coat like this (ideally with real fur) for my Mistress for a very long time but we haven't been able to find one quite like it.  I would absolutely melt before her. 

Communicating Sexuality With Your Partner

Something I have read quite a bit of recently (as well as over the past few years) are writings from submissives and sissies that have been married for years without ever communicating their desires to their wives or have only decided to communicate them recently.  In many of these cases they had these desires for years before they were married and have either been keeping them a secret for the duration of the relationship or have recently decided to "drop the bomb" and talk about it.

I always feel a little sadness when I read these stories.  I can understand someone wanting to keep these desires a secret and that is unfortunate that they feel the need to do so.  I have learned that these desires never go away and the more they are neglected, the stronger they are when they return.  For the one with the secret, they are faced with a the choice of either living unfulfilled in their marriage as is or having a serious discussion with their wife. 

In these cases I feel a lot of sympathy to the wives.  Many times they are blind-sided with a three-pronged attack:  1.  Their husband has been unfulfilled for years.  2.  Their husband has some off-beat desire they may or may not approve of.  3.  The wives are faced with the choice of changing their behavior or getting a divorce and shattering the life they have built together.  It must be an awful feeling... almost like a bait & switch.

Even if a woman makes changes to her life and happily embraces her new role as head of the household, I cannot help but think that the experience of finding out will probably haunt her for a long time.

It's easy to blame a lot of outside factors for how this comes about: society's taboo treatment of sexuality, the conservative roots of our nation and slow transition to sexual acceptance during the 20th century, millennia of gender roles, etc. but in reality, it's just hard for a lot of men to be honest with their partners about their sexual desires.  It's a scary thing to talk about... letting your partner know your deepest fantasies... risking rejection and fearing the worst.  While it might seem like a mountain, in reality, if she really loves you, she will accept you and those things about you (or at least tolerate them).  However, the longer you take to communicate those feelings, the more hurt she will be when she finally discovers the truth (and knows you had been hiding it from her the whole time).

The advice I will give to guys is, be honest with her.  She deserves it.  If you wish to be truly happy, you owe it to both of you.  If she drops you on the spot, she just freed you up to pursue a more fulfilling relationship.  If she accepts those parts about you and is willing to work towards something that will make both of you happy, you just cemented a relationship built on love and honesty.

While you might have a lot of fear and anxiety in opening up, remember that this will be nothing compared to the hurt she will probably be feeling.  Be prepared to be superman and treat her like a Queen to make it up to her while she heals emotionally.