Monday, September 22, 2014

New (or new to me) blogs?

I know I keep falling off the planet.  It seems that very few of the blogs I used to frequent are still up and going.  Does anyone have any recommendations? 

I know if I am able to get more active here I will be more likely to keep up with posts and possibly drawings.

Words of Caution

I've seen a good number of negative comments in the past month on a few blogs I follow and to anyone reading this I encourage you to avoid negativity towards the relationships of others without consideration for their relationship's frame of reference.

I think that most D/s relationships stem from 1 of 3 sources:
1.  The BDSM/Kink scene.  If you live in a metropolitan area, it's likely there exists one or more groups that provide regular meetings of a kink-themed nature.  These groups often serve as social networks for those with D/s interests with the common understanding of tolerance and discreetness.  Most BDSM groups have a fairly rigid set of rules about conduct, usually in place to protect subs from potential abuse. e.g. pre-negotiated activities, safe words, hard limits, etc. are expected to be obeyed or individuals may be ostracized from the community. 

Relationships that form in this environment generally promote mutual pleasure from shared/overlapping kinks. The rules of the community are generally represented and respected and are often considered the "right way of doing things."

2.  Discovered D/s. Discovered D/s happens when a relationship is formed on vanilla terms and at some point evolves into a D/s relationship.  This can happen in a variety of ways.

Discovered D/s is an interesting one because in most (but not all cases), one member's fantasies are often fairly extreme while the other is a novice just beginning to scrape the surface.  The way in which both parties educate themselves upon the lifestyle will often lead to the style and intensity of the relationship.  This often includes a mix and match of BDSM community morality and more intense activity, frequently in a "learn as we go" environment.

The trends in these relationships are for the Dommes to get more dominant and the subs to get more submissive as time goes on.  That being said, you will encounter couples in various stages of D/s ranging from mild to moderate to intense.

3. Negotiated Lifestyle D/s.  Negotiated D/s relationships are formed more similarly to BDSM scene relationships in that both parties enter into the relationship with roles and expectations in mind but differ in that the scene norms often will not apply to them in any way.  One party (generally the Domme) will have an idea of the intensity and activities they want and attempt to locate subs another who wishes for a similar arrangement. 

These relationships often evolve similarly to Discovered D/s relationships in the tendencies for Dommes to grow more dominant and subs to get more submissive, leading to changes in intensity levels over time.

Which type your relationship originated from will heavily influence your views on what is "right" and "wrong" in D/s relationships.  The "when" matters just as much.  I guess I just get a little bothered when people try to ignore these factors and judge.  There are ways to give constructive input, such as "I can see how you got there but you may want to consider...," but too often negative comments simply show just how different a place someone is coming from.

/end rant.

The New Car Smell

Woman In Control is my favorite blog that I have had a chance to follow over the course of my blogging history.  Some recent back and forth comments got me thinking a bit about things and I wanted to further explore my thoughts on them without clogging up the comments with some borderline off-topic material.

The evolutionary process of D/s relationships and the changes that occur in both Domme and sub over time is a topic of great interest to me.  It is always interesting to see the trends that arise and what options couples use to keep things interesting. 

The topic that has most recently been on my mind is whether it is possible to recapture the exhilarating charge of early contact and fledgling D/s relationships that are still in their formative phase.  I believe this is something that is possible for a Domme that enjoys the courting/training process.  I do not think it is quite as possible for a veteran sub to feel this on the same level.  I think the key to these situations has to do with the frame of reference.

An experience Domme already has a good idea of what she likes and dislikes, what she will enjoy and what she will expect from a sub.  If she enjoys the training process, she can derive great pleasure from shaping a novice sub into the form that she wishes. During this process, she stays who she is while the sub undergoes a complete transformation.  If it is the process that brings her pleasure, this experience can be repeated with a new sub.

However, once a novice sub has been trained, he is now a veteran.  He will have developed things he likes and dislikes about the lifestyle.  There will be activities that bring him pleasure and activities that bring him pain.  He will develop an idea of his role and what is (or will be) expected of him.  Once this happens, I do not think it is really possible to wipe the slate clean again.  If he enters into a new relationship with a different Domme there may be the initial exhilaration and fear of the courting process and undergoing her training but certain things that have been etched into his psyche are likely to remain.  When the initial getting to know you process wears off, it is common to compare his previous experiences to the ones he is currently having. e.g. a sub who previously served a Domme that was a firm believer in chastity devices may feel a bit off if he serves a different Domme that believes in the honor system, especially if chastity served as a strongly intimate bond between the sub and his previous Domme.  

Within a relationship, I believe it is possible to keep refreshing the excitement by shaking the sub out of his comfort zone soon after he has acclimated to it.  This puts an enormous load on the Domme.  The early stages of a D/s relationship are terrifying for a sub.  They need to prove themselves worthy: capable as a sub, interesting as a person, and able to connect with the Domme in a meaningful and positive way.  There is a great deal of fear because of the risk is so great: your greatest fear is rejection.  If a sub is accepted by a Domme, he reaches his first comfort zone but the first shake up often follows immediately.  Rules and conduct get tightened down, punishment regimens begin, and so on.  The sub learns her expectations and adapts himself to meet them.  At some point, he will err less and less and the subsequent need for punishment diminishes as well.  This is the second comfort zone.  Many D/s relationships can stay happy for a long time in this state but as both Domme and sub change over time, it is common to see the parameters of the relationship change at this point as well.  Additional rules, stricter punishments, and experimentation with new activities can all serve to remove a sub from his comfort zone, restore fear, and force him to adapt himself even further.  I believe the majority of the more extreme lifestyle activities come about in this way and I do think this is the closest a veteran sub can get to experiencing the same terrifying exhilaration as he does when entering a lifestyle relationship for the firs time.

I do believe in a relationship founded on trust and love that things inevitably work themselves out in this way.