I find that degradation is one of the most polarizing topics in all of D/s. There are a huge number of people that hate it. The majority of people who crave it tend to be mostly male subs. While there are female subs as well as male and female dominants that do enjoy degradation, they tend to be the exception and not the rule.
Degradation also tends to be disproportionately represented in Femdom porn. That is, the percentage of porn including it far outnumbers the percentage of people who actually partake in it. That being said, those who do partake in it tend to love it and live for it.
The reasons not to do it are fairly clear. People want to love and respect their partner. Even if they practice D/s, there is a certain status they do not want the sub to fall below. This seems to be as much for the dominant as it is for the submissive: they do not want to choose an inferior lover/life partner and degrading them makes it seem that way. Degradation is also a tough pill to swallow when it comes to dominant guilt. People don't like the idea of making someone else feel bad, even if that bad is also good.
With that in mind, I tend to wonder why this ends up being such a hot button topic. The people who are against degradation tend to be very vocal in their opposition of it. When I try my best to envision their perspective and I keep coming back to the same answers. One possibility is that they are morally opposed to it. It can't be both "real" and "consensual" and goes against their D/s philosophy. The other possibility that may very well have influenced the other part is that male subs that crave degradation are also often the one-handed typists that project their fetishes onto others and may frequently contact Dommes and try to get them to engage in fetish role-play of this sort. The end result is an absolute souring on the idea of it so that it goes beyond a "your kink is not my kink" situation and turns into a "damn, the people who want this are total douche bags," thing.
I struggle a bit to give myself honest feelings on this topic because I have been programmed to avoid it. Truthfully, I love the concept of status inequality. It drives my submissive mental space wild. It gets pushed to its maximum when it happens in both directions, e.g. when it is emphasized just how far above me that she is and it is also emphasized just how far below her that I am. They aren't the same thing.
If people wish to remain ethically and morally safe, it is much easier to build a dominant up and exaggerate how much more important they are than the average person. This falls within the realm of compliments that are individualized to them and a bit of behaving as if people are not equal and it is important to treat our "betters" with respect and reverence.
Degradation falls on the other side. It's sort of interesting because I think that mild forms of degradation happen quite frequently. If a dominant says, "remember your place," it is a phrase meant to humble a sub and let them know that their words or actions are not consistent with their position. It reminds a sub that their position is inferior and they do not carry the freedom to express themselves in the same way that ordinary people do. I don't think people view, "remember your place" as degrading, but that is exactly what it is. I know a number of subs that respond favorably with their submissive mental space to this phrase.
It is a fine edge to balance upon... the concept that "I am above you and you must obey me" and "you are below me and you must obey me" are actually different things. It seems that people tend to use them interchangeably when the implications are mild. It goes south for many as soon as the sub starts being called a worm or a maggot and some expulsion of bodily fluids displays the dominant's contempt (spit, urine, etc.). Honestly, those stereotypes are such an extreme example that the actual message gets lost.
I don't think that it is bad or wrong for a dominant to consensually define a sub's status relative to the dominant or the sub's place in the pecking order. I find it quite appealing actually and erotic. However, the concept of deciding what a sub is worth and how much value they have is incredibly degrading. Does that make it bad? Not inherently. There are plenty of ways that this can lead to an enjoyable and rewarding dynamic. I think too often the term gets equated with abuse and/or philosophical ideals that clash with the concept.
Showing posts with label Lifestyle. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Lifestyle. Show all posts
Saturday, November 25, 2017
Wednesday, November 8, 2017
Accountable?
The idea of accountability is one of the most polarizing topics in
lifestyle D/s. In many ways, I see it as one of the great dividing
lines that says a lot about a style of dominance. While accountability
may not be the first thing you think of when it comes to D/s, a
dominant’s views on accountability often reflect a lot in the way that
lifestyle dynamics are arranged. I will try to illustrate
approximations of each view in order to contrast them.
It pretty much falls to the sub to adapt when the types don’t match up. In most cases, this doesn’t go very well.
- This type of dominant wants to hold the sub accountable for anything and everything. They want to load them up with protocols, rules, and rituals, and will carefully monitor them on every front. Holding the sub accountable means they intend to punish them for failing to meet standards. It is common for subs to fantasize about this type of dominant.
- This type of dominant thinks the sub should hold themselves accountable. If an instruction or rule is given that is easy to follow, they will expect the sub to hold themselves accountable and see it through without the threat of punishment. Constant monitoring of simple things is tedious and annoying, adults should be able to adult. I know that there are a lot of dominants that feel this way about a lot of things.
It pretty much falls to the sub to adapt when the types don’t match up. In most cases, this doesn’t go very well.
Why do we D/s?
We all enter the lifestyle for our own reasons. In the blogosphere,
internet, and local communities you will tend to find that the reasons
that people choose the lifestyle often end up being the “bonding” factor
for people. That is, people look more closely at those who got their
along a similar path. While that creates a shared sense of empathy and
often similar experiences in traversing the successes and mistakes we
inevitably make along the way, it can also paint a false sense of
understanding. “Since we are all this way, this is the right way.”
It’s easy to now picture a thousand voices in unison yelling, “there is
no one right way.” I hate BDSM cliches so much because I feel like they
are easy to say, easy to be offended if someone challenges them in any
way, but very difficult for people to see when they aren’t actually
acting upon the spirit behind the idea.
At its core, D/s is kink. We can justify it in a thousand ways and had a thousand ways of getting here, but really, it is kink. Its basis is an idea of consensual inequality that yields mutual pleasure for the involved parties. We need it, love it, and want it because… it gets us off. I know there are people that may want to light me on fire and pitchfork my still beating heart out from my chest for trying to put it so simply, but I make no apologies for this belief, nor do I care to try to hide behind them. It may do a hundred other things for us as well, like give us confidence, make us behave less selfishly, think more about others, grow as humans, uphold our sense of responsibility, cater to a loved one, and so on, but the truth is we do not need D/s to do any of those things.
I do not need to be submissive to make the one that I love feel loved, valued, and cherished. If I could only do that “as a submissive,” I would be a pretty poor lover. The same goes for a dominant. While D/s provides us a vehicle to connect on deeper levels than we may have in our vanilla lives, it isn’t the only vehicle to do so. We COULD have connected without it, we just didn’t.
This is where the “how we got here” part of things begins to diverge quite a bit. I read plenty of happy D/s blogs. The majority of them fall into one of two categories:
By contrast, I have found that the blogs that seem filled with the greatest struggles, the most anguish, the consistent communication failures, self-doubts, and unclear expectations are those that try to justify D/s in a large number of ways. They often go above and beyond citing dozens of reasons about how it is definitely NOT about the kink. Don’t talk about it, don’t say it, don’t even think it. It is for every reason you can think of except for the kink. We are not doing it for mutual pleasure and happiness. We are doing it for principles that one of us read somewhere and decided to adopt them.
I’m sure that painting it in this way might seem biased, but that is how things appear to me when I see people making such a passionate case for D/s with such a massive need to justify it without talking about kink, or worse, writing kink off like it shouldn’t even be there in the first place. In most cases, I find this happens when one party has interest in D/s and their partner does not. This is most often an existing relationship where the submissive tries to sell their vanilla partner on being dominant. They play up the merits and sell D/s as a lifestyle that is all about the principles and benefits with no ulterior motives or additional needs. Much of the time this doesn’t work very well. Someone’s needs very likely will go unmet (or severely underfed).
This is often where a lot of sexist logic or dogma comes in and I’m not a huge fan of involving sexism in D/s. Nothing automatically makes someone a good dominant. Nothing automatically makes someone a good submissive. The problem with this approach is that it removes consent in some cases, and in other, it allows people to accept a role without enough knowledge of the responsibilities it entails. I find the large majority of unhappy D/s blogs seem to resemble these case.
Returning to happy land, there is another interesting aspect of successful D/s. While I feel that at the core of D/s lies kink, nurturing a successful and sustainable D/s relationship does turn its eyes away from a kink-focus. Part of becoming comfortable with your role is seeing how your inner drive, desires, and responsibility to your partner begin to interact. You want to feel more submissive so you begin to feed yourself by becoming someone that is more selfless. The dominant wants to provide the right dynamics and environment for the relationship so they begin to act more inwardly focused yet still keep their sub’s needs in their mind at all times. Basically, they act selfish in order to actually be generous. This relationship is symbiotic and very beautiful when it works.
I don’t really have a point in all of this but I wanted to put a reminder out there that D/s is supposed to feel good. It’s supposed to be fun, exhilarating, and bring loads of mutual pleasure and fulfillment. D//s doesn’t create the love that is there: you have to want that on its own.
At its core, D/s is kink. We can justify it in a thousand ways and had a thousand ways of getting here, but really, it is kink. Its basis is an idea of consensual inequality that yields mutual pleasure for the involved parties. We need it, love it, and want it because… it gets us off. I know there are people that may want to light me on fire and pitchfork my still beating heart out from my chest for trying to put it so simply, but I make no apologies for this belief, nor do I care to try to hide behind them. It may do a hundred other things for us as well, like give us confidence, make us behave less selfishly, think more about others, grow as humans, uphold our sense of responsibility, cater to a loved one, and so on, but the truth is we do not need D/s to do any of those things.
I do not need to be submissive to make the one that I love feel loved, valued, and cherished. If I could only do that “as a submissive,” I would be a pretty poor lover. The same goes for a dominant. While D/s provides us a vehicle to connect on deeper levels than we may have in our vanilla lives, it isn’t the only vehicle to do so. We COULD have connected without it, we just didn’t.
This is where the “how we got here” part of things begins to diverge quite a bit. I read plenty of happy D/s blogs. The majority of them fall into one of two categories:
- The relationship began as consensual D/s or it was added very early on.
- An originally vanilla relationship where we get a view into their lives like 10+ years into their D/s progression long after both parties have fully embraced their roles.
By contrast, I have found that the blogs that seem filled with the greatest struggles, the most anguish, the consistent communication failures, self-doubts, and unclear expectations are those that try to justify D/s in a large number of ways. They often go above and beyond citing dozens of reasons about how it is definitely NOT about the kink. Don’t talk about it, don’t say it, don’t even think it. It is for every reason you can think of except for the kink. We are not doing it for mutual pleasure and happiness. We are doing it for principles that one of us read somewhere and decided to adopt them.
I’m sure that painting it in this way might seem biased, but that is how things appear to me when I see people making such a passionate case for D/s with such a massive need to justify it without talking about kink, or worse, writing kink off like it shouldn’t even be there in the first place. In most cases, I find this happens when one party has interest in D/s and their partner does not. This is most often an existing relationship where the submissive tries to sell their vanilla partner on being dominant. They play up the merits and sell D/s as a lifestyle that is all about the principles and benefits with no ulterior motives or additional needs. Much of the time this doesn’t work very well. Someone’s needs very likely will go unmet (or severely underfed).
This is often where a lot of sexist logic or dogma comes in and I’m not a huge fan of involving sexism in D/s. Nothing automatically makes someone a good dominant. Nothing automatically makes someone a good submissive. The problem with this approach is that it removes consent in some cases, and in other, it allows people to accept a role without enough knowledge of the responsibilities it entails. I find the large majority of unhappy D/s blogs seem to resemble these case.
Returning to happy land, there is another interesting aspect of successful D/s. While I feel that at the core of D/s lies kink, nurturing a successful and sustainable D/s relationship does turn its eyes away from a kink-focus. Part of becoming comfortable with your role is seeing how your inner drive, desires, and responsibility to your partner begin to interact. You want to feel more submissive so you begin to feed yourself by becoming someone that is more selfless. The dominant wants to provide the right dynamics and environment for the relationship so they begin to act more inwardly focused yet still keep their sub’s needs in their mind at all times. Basically, they act selfish in order to actually be generous. This relationship is symbiotic and very beautiful when it works.
I don’t really have a point in all of this but I wanted to put a reminder out there that D/s is supposed to feel good. It’s supposed to be fun, exhilarating, and bring loads of mutual pleasure and fulfillment. D//s doesn’t create the love that is there: you have to want that on its own.
Monday, October 30, 2017
Service-Oriented Submissive Mental Space – The Other Side
Note: I am still writing with a fever. I am hoping to remain coherent.
In a post from yesterday I talked about how reaching a mindset of service-oriented submission and the calm it yields was a half-truth. I handled it a bit ham-handedly and I thought it would be good to expand upon that statement. Half-truth was the wrong descriptor for it, as there is a lot of truth in it. The problem is that it isn’t a “light-switch” concept. You don’t tell it to someone and they go, “oh, I get it now, I’ll be like that from now on.”
What tends to actually happen is that subs will either resist the concept or in other cases, it just makes them feel bad. The people who seek and are given this advice are frequently in the midst of their frenzied ache. They are hurting, confused, and trying to find solace in anything they can. If you strip away the delicacy, recommending service-oriented submission as a means of calming the soul basically says, “your form of submission is selfish. Here is what you should actually feel.” This feeds a shame spiral that makes the ache even worse, as there is an additional layer of guilt dumped upon the already difficult task of communicating that you NEED something that isn’t there.
A lot of this goes back to some of the ideas that I wrote in Temperament and Patience. Unless you are one of the lucky few that naturally gravitates towards service-oriented submission, there is a very strong chance that your submissive self will have to mature to reach this point. In many ways it resembles how children learn the concept of sharing and giving. When young you might not want to give up half of your cookie because it means you get less cookie. When older you may give up half of your cookie because it is fair and you may end up with another half of a cookie at a later date. Later you may wish to give up your whole cookie because the joy of watching someone else’s excitement at receiving the cookie outweighs the temporary pleasure of eating it yourself. This last stage is where the joy of service submission falls.
When you reach this stage, you do find an extra sense of peace. You find much of your submission in doing things for others. You find yourself aching and desiring less for things to be done to you. You start thinking of ways to please them. While it may not satiate all of your needs, it will keep many of them from reaching a state of desperation.
Reaching this state of mind can take a while. It took me a few years. It is an ideal concept to keep in mind as you grow through submission. It isn’t wrong to not feel it right now. It isn’t bad that it doesn’t make sense just yet. Just try not to ignore it and deny its existence. As long as you keep it in the back of your mind, you may find it someday.
In a post from yesterday I talked about how reaching a mindset of service-oriented submission and the calm it yields was a half-truth. I handled it a bit ham-handedly and I thought it would be good to expand upon that statement. Half-truth was the wrong descriptor for it, as there is a lot of truth in it. The problem is that it isn’t a “light-switch” concept. You don’t tell it to someone and they go, “oh, I get it now, I’ll be like that from now on.”
What tends to actually happen is that subs will either resist the concept or in other cases, it just makes them feel bad. The people who seek and are given this advice are frequently in the midst of their frenzied ache. They are hurting, confused, and trying to find solace in anything they can. If you strip away the delicacy, recommending service-oriented submission as a means of calming the soul basically says, “your form of submission is selfish. Here is what you should actually feel.” This feeds a shame spiral that makes the ache even worse, as there is an additional layer of guilt dumped upon the already difficult task of communicating that you NEED something that isn’t there.
A lot of this goes back to some of the ideas that I wrote in Temperament and Patience. Unless you are one of the lucky few that naturally gravitates towards service-oriented submission, there is a very strong chance that your submissive self will have to mature to reach this point. In many ways it resembles how children learn the concept of sharing and giving. When young you might not want to give up half of your cookie because it means you get less cookie. When older you may give up half of your cookie because it is fair and you may end up with another half of a cookie at a later date. Later you may wish to give up your whole cookie because the joy of watching someone else’s excitement at receiving the cookie outweighs the temporary pleasure of eating it yourself. This last stage is where the joy of service submission falls.
When you reach this stage, you do find an extra sense of peace. You find much of your submission in doing things for others. You find yourself aching and desiring less for things to be done to you. You start thinking of ways to please them. While it may not satiate all of your needs, it will keep many of them from reaching a state of desperation.
Reaching this state of mind can take a while. It took me a few years. It is an ideal concept to keep in mind as you grow through submission. It isn’t wrong to not feel it right now. It isn’t bad that it doesn’t make sense just yet. Just try not to ignore it and deny its existence. As long as you keep it in the back of your mind, you may find it someday.
Creating your own service-oriented submissive mental space
NOTE: So I got sick this weekend and I’ve had a fever all day.
Apparently writing with a fever makes me sound like an arrogant douche
bag… or at least that’s my own personal impression of the last post or
two that I made.
My apologies if either of them came off that way, my brain is feeling pretty cloudy and lacking in the eloquence department. I hope you can accept the message and forgive my lack of tact in its presentation.
Service is often viewed as the pinnacle of submission. Enjoying service is that ideal mental state where you cast aside your own desires and dedicate your energy towards your dominant. A lot of people separate what service is based upon its motive. If you do it purely out of love for the dominant, it is pure. If you do it for praise, it is selfish and impure. If you have a fetish for it, it is also impure.
I try not to make such judgments because I rarely think anything is that black and white. Is there true altruism blah blah blah. I don’t think people really do anything for one reason. I think there are a multitude of factors in play and your resulting action is the balancing point of those factors within you. Yourself, others, the present, the past, the future. We are more complicated than binary yes/no answers.
Curiously enough, the topic of service-oriented submission most frequently comes up on the topic of subs that find themselves “starving” for dominance and overwhelmed by the ache of their submissive needs. The advice is often presented in a manner that implies that they have an inferior view of submission. They need to evolve their mental state and become a submissive Buddha, who turns to service to achieve enlightenment. I understand this advice on face value, but in my opinion, I think it is a half-truth.
What many people who embrace the service side of submission have actually done, is create a service-oriented submissive mental space (I will call this service subspace for ease). They have been able to tap into their submission and channel subspace through service. This cures the ache. This makes you feel fulfilled on your own. You feel submissive in the absence of dominance.
Is this pure? Who cares, if it works. The goal was to cure the ache, right? What I plan to share here is a way for you to create your own service subspace. This may work for people who are in relationships or those who are single who want a way to be more motivated by service. It follows the same procedure that your original spaces likely formed: fantasy.
You will need to craft a series of fantasies about service. It’s probably easiest if I make an example and just elaborate on it as I go. My topic of choice: scrubbing floors. We all know how sexy scrubbing floors is on its own, it ranks up there with sex, bondage, and spanking for most of you, right?
The first step is to create the environment and your place within it. Think about what makes you feel most submissive.
The next step is to picture the dominant(s) involved and their behavior.
To achieve maximum effect, you will want as many of these fantasies as you have tedious and mundane activities you are responsible for. These may include but are not limited to: cleaning the bathroom, vacuuming, doing laundry, mowing the lawn, and so on. Rather than try to force yourself into a mindset that craves these activities, it is much easier to create attractive fantasies that put you into a service subspace when you think about these activities.
If that means you fantasize that you are naked except for collar and cuffs, on your hands and knees with an anal plug inside you, scrubbing way on the floor while your dominant watches you in a comfy chair from across the room before making you kneel while they inspect your work, grab you by the hair and point your face at any inadequacies, before punishing your bare bottom and taking you for their pleasure, so be it. I can think of worse things to think about.
My apologies if either of them came off that way, my brain is feeling pretty cloudy and lacking in the eloquence department. I hope you can accept the message and forgive my lack of tact in its presentation.
Service is often viewed as the pinnacle of submission. Enjoying service is that ideal mental state where you cast aside your own desires and dedicate your energy towards your dominant. A lot of people separate what service is based upon its motive. If you do it purely out of love for the dominant, it is pure. If you do it for praise, it is selfish and impure. If you have a fetish for it, it is also impure.
I try not to make such judgments because I rarely think anything is that black and white. Is there true altruism blah blah blah. I don’t think people really do anything for one reason. I think there are a multitude of factors in play and your resulting action is the balancing point of those factors within you. Yourself, others, the present, the past, the future. We are more complicated than binary yes/no answers.
Curiously enough, the topic of service-oriented submission most frequently comes up on the topic of subs that find themselves “starving” for dominance and overwhelmed by the ache of their submissive needs. The advice is often presented in a manner that implies that they have an inferior view of submission. They need to evolve their mental state and become a submissive Buddha, who turns to service to achieve enlightenment. I understand this advice on face value, but in my opinion, I think it is a half-truth.
What many people who embrace the service side of submission have actually done, is create a service-oriented submissive mental space (I will call this service subspace for ease). They have been able to tap into their submission and channel subspace through service. This cures the ache. This makes you feel fulfilled on your own. You feel submissive in the absence of dominance.
Is this pure? Who cares, if it works. The goal was to cure the ache, right? What I plan to share here is a way for you to create your own service subspace. This may work for people who are in relationships or those who are single who want a way to be more motivated by service. It follows the same procedure that your original spaces likely formed: fantasy.
You will need to craft a series of fantasies about service. It’s probably easiest if I make an example and just elaborate on it as I go. My topic of choice: scrubbing floors. We all know how sexy scrubbing floors is on its own, it ranks up there with sex, bondage, and spanking for most of you, right?
The first step is to create the environment and your place within it. Think about what makes you feel most submissive.
- Are you naked? Wearing a uniform? Wearing clothes that please your dominant? Choose the one that makes you feel most submissive.
- How about add-ons? Collar? Cuffs? Anal plug? Nipple clamps? Humbler? Dungeon shackles? Gag?
- Is it meant to be practical, a display of your status, or feel like punishment? Does your answer imply anything else? Would they tether your wrists to your collar? Lock your ankles together or separate them with a spreader bar? Would you be tethered to a wall-ring, creating some “hard to reach” areas?
- This is your fantasy, feel free to go wild and come up with anything else you think would help.
The next step is to picture the dominant(s) involved and their behavior.
- Is it your dominant? A stranger? Someone else? Is it more than one? Does their official role give them power over you? e.g. prison guard, slave-master, overseer/supervisor, etc.
- Are you left to scrub by yourself in silence? Is there someone towering over you critiquing your every move with crop in hand? Is there someone who checks in on you ever so often to make sure you stay on task?
- Are they harsh? Are they kind? Do they bully you? Are they fair? Are they cold? Are they warm? Are they wicked? Force you to perform sexual acts?
- When you are done and they inspect your work, how do they act? Proud of a job well done? Overly critical and demanding perfection? Do they force you to assume a posture while they inspect it? If there are any mistakes do you have to redo it all? Fix the spot you missed?
- Will you be punished? Will you be rewarded? Will there be a reminder of “your place”? Will it reflect the quality of your work?
- Will there be sex? What kind? Will it be hot? Will it be rough? Are you meant to like it?
- Will there be play? What kind? Will it be hot? Will it be rough? Are you meant to like it?
To achieve maximum effect, you will want as many of these fantasies as you have tedious and mundane activities you are responsible for. These may include but are not limited to: cleaning the bathroom, vacuuming, doing laundry, mowing the lawn, and so on. Rather than try to force yourself into a mindset that craves these activities, it is much easier to create attractive fantasies that put you into a service subspace when you think about these activities.
If that means you fantasize that you are naked except for collar and cuffs, on your hands and knees with an anal plug inside you, scrubbing way on the floor while your dominant watches you in a comfy chair from across the room before making you kneel while they inspect your work, grab you by the hair and point your face at any inadequacies, before punishing your bare bottom and taking you for their pleasure, so be it. I can think of worse things to think about.
When we say, “slow down,” this is what we mean
Note: So I got sick this weekend and I’ve had a fever all day.
Apparently writing with a fever makes me sound like an arrogant douche
bag… or at least that’s my own personal impression of the last post or
two that I made.
My apologies if either of them came off that way, my brain is feeling pretty cloudy and lacking in the eloquence department. I hope you can accept the message and forgive my lack of tact in its presentation.
I was recently helping someone with the advice to “slow down,” in a newer D/s relationship. This advice is really difficult for many people to accept. Or I guess a better way of putting it, this advice is very difficult to apply, because it is hard for people to understand the reasons behind it.
A lot of the wisdom the veterans try to impart upon the newer people are lessons that take time to learn. Just telling someone the answers isn’t the same as getting them to understand why those are the answers. The problem with knowing just the answers is that people can find it artificially empowering. “I know what it is supposed to be, no problem.” Unfortunately a lot of concepts and mindsets require growing into. They need to put the pieces together in order to know why they are there and what it does.
I get down on a lot of cliches in BDSM because by the time they hit the masses as common knowledge, it’s easy to recite the words, but hardly any thought is put into the meaning. “This is the way things are.”
The other night I described it in a way that might be helpful for some. If you remember math class, you might remember that each chapter covered a particular theme and then that chapter was broken down into sections.
The early sections gave you the basic formulas and theorems of the theme and they gradually built upon them to reach the more advanced versions. You didn’t do it all at once. Section one gave you a basic formula. You would then do 30 practice problems applying that formula. The second section built upon the first, adding a variation or additional concept. You would then do 30 practice problems applying those new concepts to the old. This repeated until completing section 10. By the time you were there, you had put the theme into practical application ~300 times. The pieces fit together. You understood how you got there. You understood how to use it. What followed was the chapter test, forcing you to apply those concepts and solve problems.
You may have known people who skipped all of the practice problems because they had a note card full of formulas you were allowed to have with you. While they may have been able to solve many of the problems correctly, they likely didn’t have as thorough of an understanding as the people who went through the work. If they did that for the entire length of the course… they often struggled like hell on the final.
What happens in D/s is that the final is your life. When people start charging head-long towards 24/7 because they “have the answers,” they are rushing in without a complete understanding. They have their note card without the formulas, but without the practice necessary to master the material and grasp total understanding of the concepts.
Building it up, step by step, ensures that you have a solid foundation to work from. It ensures that everything you have going is functional and practical for the both of you. Those who have gone through it understand that the idea of “we are supposed to be here _______,” doesn’t really exist. You are what you build and create and the pace and direction that matches your growth. Trying to skip those steps can lead to a lot of hurt feelings and a lot of damage.
My apologies if either of them came off that way, my brain is feeling pretty cloudy and lacking in the eloquence department. I hope you can accept the message and forgive my lack of tact in its presentation.
I was recently helping someone with the advice to “slow down,” in a newer D/s relationship. This advice is really difficult for many people to accept. Or I guess a better way of putting it, this advice is very difficult to apply, because it is hard for people to understand the reasons behind it.
A lot of the wisdom the veterans try to impart upon the newer people are lessons that take time to learn. Just telling someone the answers isn’t the same as getting them to understand why those are the answers. The problem with knowing just the answers is that people can find it artificially empowering. “I know what it is supposed to be, no problem.” Unfortunately a lot of concepts and mindsets require growing into. They need to put the pieces together in order to know why they are there and what it does.
I get down on a lot of cliches in BDSM because by the time they hit the masses as common knowledge, it’s easy to recite the words, but hardly any thought is put into the meaning. “This is the way things are.”
The other night I described it in a way that might be helpful for some. If you remember math class, you might remember that each chapter covered a particular theme and then that chapter was broken down into sections.
The early sections gave you the basic formulas and theorems of the theme and they gradually built upon them to reach the more advanced versions. You didn’t do it all at once. Section one gave you a basic formula. You would then do 30 practice problems applying that formula. The second section built upon the first, adding a variation or additional concept. You would then do 30 practice problems applying those new concepts to the old. This repeated until completing section 10. By the time you were there, you had put the theme into practical application ~300 times. The pieces fit together. You understood how you got there. You understood how to use it. What followed was the chapter test, forcing you to apply those concepts and solve problems.
You may have known people who skipped all of the practice problems because they had a note card full of formulas you were allowed to have with you. While they may have been able to solve many of the problems correctly, they likely didn’t have as thorough of an understanding as the people who went through the work. If they did that for the entire length of the course… they often struggled like hell on the final.
What happens in D/s is that the final is your life. When people start charging head-long towards 24/7 because they “have the answers,” they are rushing in without a complete understanding. They have their note card without the formulas, but without the practice necessary to master the material and grasp total understanding of the concepts.
Building it up, step by step, ensures that you have a solid foundation to work from. It ensures that everything you have going is functional and practical for the both of you. Those who have gone through it understand that the idea of “we are supposed to be here _______,” doesn’t really exist. You are what you build and create and the pace and direction that matches your growth. Trying to skip those steps can lead to a lot of hurt feelings and a lot of damage.
Saturday, October 21, 2017
Thoughts on Idealism vs. Reality
Originally Written: 10/17/17
Life is not always so gracious. So many external factors can get involved. Work, weather, traffic, and health seem to be factors we battle every day no matter what. The best intentions can become lost within the chaos. The best laid plans can be derailed by circumstance. Even when you know exactly who you want to be, there are some days where you just fail to live up to your own standards.
This is why I am a firm believer in the idea of punishment dynamics. Does she deserve to suffer because I am having a bad day? No way. Is it okay for a bit of stress to let me break my promises? No way. Reasons are just excuses that we forgive. She doesn’t deserve excuses, she deserves my best just like I promised.
Without punishment, I will inevitably feel terrible for these lapses. I will feel guilt and shame for my failures. I always want to be my best self and it is my inability to deal with things that cause me to show something other than my best self. I feel this is worthy of punishment. I feel like I will not feel better unless I am punished. Penance earns forgiveness, both from her and from myself. This is how I have learned release the guilt.
Punishment serves another purpose: fear. It’s not healthy to live in terror, but a slight twitch of fear in the back of your mind can provide just enough motivation to let your desire to be your best self defeat stress and other external factors. I find this bit of fear goes a long way towards keeping me feeling good.
The process of actualizing ideals creates a sense of identity. This identity becomes a source of pride, self-esteem, and integrity. When I fail myself (and in turn, fail her), I lose these things and I must earn them back. I have to earn back my own self-respect. This isn’t a feel-good process. It is never fun to assess yourself with brutal honesty. I find it is far better to be kept from failing. In this way, I embrace control dynamics. I embrace rules. I embrace her check mechanisms for me that keep me true to my identity. Keeping me constantly focused and attentive, they protect me from the pain of failure. Those control dynamics end up being good for both of us.
There are many that find the life I desire to be too strict and too suffocating. Having experienced it I can say that I find it perfect. I feel good because I make her happy. She feels good because of my love, dedication, and effort at pleasing her. I do not mind its strictness because to me, it shows me how much she cares as she protects me from the worst parts of myself. I don’t think that reality has to differ that much from idealism, it just requires a few extra bits of attention to keep it that way.
Friday, October 13, 2017
Thoughts on Sub-Frenzy
A week or two ago I was having a discussion in a chat group and I don't even recall the topic. I just remember having the "group think" turning noticeably one-sided (and ignoring say, 60%+ of what exists out there) on a topic that was meant to be a general discussion for D/s of all walks.
In an attempt to steer things to maintain open-mindedness and awareness that dynamics exist out there that aren't long-distance internet-based M/f or DDlg, I remember injecting sub-frenzy as a counter example into the discussion. No one had heard of it. When I began to explain it I was immediately insulted and told that anyone who experiences frenzy is pathetic and a total loser. I left the group shortly after that even though I had been a part of it for well over a year.
As I was thinking about topics to write today I began to think about the huge number of blogs I have read, both recently and in the past, about subs that struggle when the dynamics in their lives begin to wane. This is frequently followed by a series of posts describing an escalating state of desperation, disappointment, and frustration or depression.
For those who aren't familiar with sub-frenzy as a term, I will do my best to describe it. Sub-frenzy is a state that a submissive reaches when they have been unable to to have their submissive needs met for a prolonged period of time. Submissive mental space releases a set of brain chemicals that subs often become dependent upon to feel good. Post-play endorphin and adrenaline highs for masochists also serve a similar role. As with any form of dependence, this can grow addictive, and in its absence, addict-like behaviors are a natural result. Subs that are mired in sexual frustration without release are more susceptible to experience this quite strongly.
For a sub, this often starts by "feeling off." I'm sure at some point you have just felt... not bad, but not good. Your head feels awkward. Thoughts seem cloudy. You struggle with articulating what is wrong. "I just feel off today." Have you ever felt this way? If so, this is the first sign of withdrawl.
If the sub's needs continue to go unmet (and this may only take a couple of days), the ache starts. There's that nagging feeling. A desire to feel submissive. A desire to feel release. You no longer feel uncertain, now you feel certain as the dull ache begins to erode away at you. You can try and steer your thoughts away but the mind inevitably returns: you want your fix. The problem is, whatever was going on in life that let you reach this point may or may not have cleared up. Your dominant is stressed, distant, or unavailable. You know it's unavoidable and you don't want to make them feel bad or guilty about it, so you start dropping hints or making a greater effort to cater to their dominance. Attempting to display a lot of affection or seduction is common as well as trying to make them feel loved and valued. The idea of voicing your needs directly makes you feel needy in a bad way. If they don't respond to your advances the ache becomes a sting and may carry feelings of being rejected.
As things continue, the ache becomes a throb. You need this. It hurts. This is the full force of the addiction. As your attempts to coerce dominance failed, you don't wish to try again. The idea of sharing your needs directly becomes even more daunting. You feel neurotic and high strung. You may deal with this in one or more of a variety of ways. You might withdraw, hoping they will notice that something isn't right. You might act out, hoping they will notice that something isn't right. You might start scouring the internet for porn, erotica, or social media interactions that will help you live vicariously and obtain your fix that way. God, it feels needy. By now, your judgment and decision-making skills may have slipped quite a bit. Your usual outward thoughts are now focused inward and selfish. Why can't they see that I am hurting? Why can't they see that I need this? You become an ugly version of yourself and if/when you recognize it, your emotions completely crash and you feel awful about yourself. This is when the sub depression starts.
The amount of time it takes to reach its early to advanced stages varies greatly from person to person. For some it may take months but others may progress through it in a matter of days.
Hopefully, you have never had to experience this. If you have, hopefully it was only early on before you and your partner learned how to communicate early rather than late and how to be straight forward about your needs to ensure they are met. If you have and still currently experience this, I feel for you. People in long-distance relationships probably know this process VERY well.
Sub frenzy is even harder on single subs. If you have been single for an extended period of time, you probably have felt this to some degree. If you are one of those lucky few that have always had a partner but have been active in a local community or even made kink-oriented friendships through some form of social media there is a good chance you have known a single sub that seems like they are a bit of a mess. Their moods fluctuate up and down. Any fix they get makes them walk on clouds but denied it for a time and they flounder badly. In its absence they become obsessed with finding it. With prolonged absence and they may appear dangerously depressed. It can be hard to watch.
In its advanced stages their moods may start to swing wildly between excited motivation and total despair. Their decision-making may start to grow dangerous. e.g. "I've got a play-date with some random stranger I met on the internet that won't give me their phone number. It's okay though, I'm just supposed to meet them alone at the park at 9pm. They told me to look for the windowless van. I'm so excited!"
You will also see subs who normally just fantasize about submission getting enough courage to try to make it happen. This happens a lot with submissive men but it can happen to both genders. Newbies will often begin to harass dominants and attempt to project and force their personal fetishes upon them. People with experience may begin to lie out their ass and try to present themselves as the absolutely perfect sub. You will see subs who finally get some attention and this is enough to "get their fix" so when it actually becomes time to put up or shut up they chicken out and ghost on the dominant. Others may resort to paying for the service.
It's part of the addiction. It can be ugly. It happens more than people would like to admit. Because it's out there, I think it's better for it to be talked about and for people to be aware of it. I understand that most people don't want to admit that they go through sub frenzy, but I think it makes life a lot easier if all parties are aware of it.
I can say first-hand that this is something I have experienced many times over. I'm not the only one. It sucks. I think many of us have that in common.
In an attempt to steer things to maintain open-mindedness and awareness that dynamics exist out there that aren't long-distance internet-based M/f or DDlg, I remember injecting sub-frenzy as a counter example into the discussion. No one had heard of it. When I began to explain it I was immediately insulted and told that anyone who experiences frenzy is pathetic and a total loser. I left the group shortly after that even though I had been a part of it for well over a year.
As I was thinking about topics to write today I began to think about the huge number of blogs I have read, both recently and in the past, about subs that struggle when the dynamics in their lives begin to wane. This is frequently followed by a series of posts describing an escalating state of desperation, disappointment, and frustration or depression.
For those who aren't familiar with sub-frenzy as a term, I will do my best to describe it. Sub-frenzy is a state that a submissive reaches when they have been unable to to have their submissive needs met for a prolonged period of time. Submissive mental space releases a set of brain chemicals that subs often become dependent upon to feel good. Post-play endorphin and adrenaline highs for masochists also serve a similar role. As with any form of dependence, this can grow addictive, and in its absence, addict-like behaviors are a natural result. Subs that are mired in sexual frustration without release are more susceptible to experience this quite strongly.
For a sub, this often starts by "feeling off." I'm sure at some point you have just felt... not bad, but not good. Your head feels awkward. Thoughts seem cloudy. You struggle with articulating what is wrong. "I just feel off today." Have you ever felt this way? If so, this is the first sign of withdrawl.
If the sub's needs continue to go unmet (and this may only take a couple of days), the ache starts. There's that nagging feeling. A desire to feel submissive. A desire to feel release. You no longer feel uncertain, now you feel certain as the dull ache begins to erode away at you. You can try and steer your thoughts away but the mind inevitably returns: you want your fix. The problem is, whatever was going on in life that let you reach this point may or may not have cleared up. Your dominant is stressed, distant, or unavailable. You know it's unavoidable and you don't want to make them feel bad or guilty about it, so you start dropping hints or making a greater effort to cater to their dominance. Attempting to display a lot of affection or seduction is common as well as trying to make them feel loved and valued. The idea of voicing your needs directly makes you feel needy in a bad way. If they don't respond to your advances the ache becomes a sting and may carry feelings of being rejected.
As things continue, the ache becomes a throb. You need this. It hurts. This is the full force of the addiction. As your attempts to coerce dominance failed, you don't wish to try again. The idea of sharing your needs directly becomes even more daunting. You feel neurotic and high strung. You may deal with this in one or more of a variety of ways. You might withdraw, hoping they will notice that something isn't right. You might act out, hoping they will notice that something isn't right. You might start scouring the internet for porn, erotica, or social media interactions that will help you live vicariously and obtain your fix that way. God, it feels needy. By now, your judgment and decision-making skills may have slipped quite a bit. Your usual outward thoughts are now focused inward and selfish. Why can't they see that I am hurting? Why can't they see that I need this? You become an ugly version of yourself and if/when you recognize it, your emotions completely crash and you feel awful about yourself. This is when the sub depression starts.
The amount of time it takes to reach its early to advanced stages varies greatly from person to person. For some it may take months but others may progress through it in a matter of days.
Hopefully, you have never had to experience this. If you have, hopefully it was only early on before you and your partner learned how to communicate early rather than late and how to be straight forward about your needs to ensure they are met. If you have and still currently experience this, I feel for you. People in long-distance relationships probably know this process VERY well.
Sub frenzy is even harder on single subs. If you have been single for an extended period of time, you probably have felt this to some degree. If you are one of those lucky few that have always had a partner but have been active in a local community or even made kink-oriented friendships through some form of social media there is a good chance you have known a single sub that seems like they are a bit of a mess. Their moods fluctuate up and down. Any fix they get makes them walk on clouds but denied it for a time and they flounder badly. In its absence they become obsessed with finding it. With prolonged absence and they may appear dangerously depressed. It can be hard to watch.
In its advanced stages their moods may start to swing wildly between excited motivation and total despair. Their decision-making may start to grow dangerous. e.g. "I've got a play-date with some random stranger I met on the internet that won't give me their phone number. It's okay though, I'm just supposed to meet them alone at the park at 9pm. They told me to look for the windowless van. I'm so excited!"
You will also see subs who normally just fantasize about submission getting enough courage to try to make it happen. This happens a lot with submissive men but it can happen to both genders. Newbies will often begin to harass dominants and attempt to project and force their personal fetishes upon them. People with experience may begin to lie out their ass and try to present themselves as the absolutely perfect sub. You will see subs who finally get some attention and this is enough to "get their fix" so when it actually becomes time to put up or shut up they chicken out and ghost on the dominant. Others may resort to paying for the service.
It's part of the addiction. It can be ugly. It happens more than people would like to admit. Because it's out there, I think it's better for it to be talked about and for people to be aware of it. I understand that most people don't want to admit that they go through sub frenzy, but I think it makes life a lot easier if all parties are aware of it.
I can say first-hand that this is something I have experienced many times over. I'm not the only one. It sucks. I think many of us have that in common.
Tuesday, October 10, 2017
What would they think?
I have to say that I am having some very excellent conversations with others via comments both on my blog and on theirs. This is the part that I love so much about blogging and the blog community. I have recently had a couple of recurring themes popping up that relate to some of my more recent posts. A lot of it focuses around shame and self-acceptance.
It took me years before I spilled my guts on my sexuality during adolescence. In case it got lost on anyone, I will spell it out right here (and yes, I am blushing).
I have never had an orgasm outside of a Femdom context. My earliest masturbation habits always involved being dominated by a woman (I was probably 11-12). I cannot get an erection to "standard" things like porn and naked women.
For the entirety of my life I have been haunted by one big question: What would they think?
What would women think if they knew about me? What would they think if they knew what got me off? If they knew the extent of my perversions?
I know that nearly everyone who is involved in kink has probably had thoughts or doubts that are similar to these. However, most people that I know who are involved in kink have a couple of key characteristics for them to fall back on:
Society told me I wanted those things. The "guys" talked like everyone needed to want those things. I wanted to be tied up and kept as her pet. I hid this. I tried to bury it. I always lost. It always won. I would jerk off and hate myself for it. I would jerk off and want to cry at how fucked up I was. While I wanted to be loved, I was terrified at revealing my true self. I was terrified that I would be rejected. I was terrified that they would tell everyone else and no one would want me. I was absolutely convinced that it would lead to abandonment. Not a great fear for someone who was put up for adoption.
As much as I wanted love, the thought of being unable to perform scared the living hell out of me. It bothered me that I didn't get an erection the first time I held hands with and embraced a girl. It bothered me that I didn't get an erection the first time I kissed a girl. It bothered me that I needed to picture her straddling me while I was bound and helpless to get aroused. It bothered me that if a girl in a fur-trimmed coat gave me a hug and it brushed my cheek that I immediately got an erection and pictured her straddling me while I was bound and helpless.
What would they think of me if they knew the true me? This thought was always present in the back of my mind from age 13 to 24, and still lingers in some deep part of my soul.
I have a pretty good read of people. I have known people from all walks, all backgrounds, that were of varying race, religion, and sexuality. My educational background in college had me studying many different fields with a sound understanding of demographics. Getting to know people on a personal level (while hiding my secret) allowed me to understand a lot of how people tick.
While everyone is unique, people also have a lot of similarities. When you look at populations you start to see trends with historical evidence to back them up. People fear and shun what is different. People are made uncomfortable by concepts that are unfamiliar to them. When confronted with something that makes them uncomfortable, they will fall back on ingrained personal principles to cope with it. Not all of these principles are kind, accepting, or tolerant.
What would they think of me if they knew the real me? Well, if we took a random assortment of 10 vanilla women +/- 5 years of me, I'm pretty certain that at least 2-3 of them would be offended my existence. I would be a blight of society and a symbol of the failings of religion and public education. I would be the person that wasn't missed if the gestapo came and dragged me away.
There would probably be 1-2 that were intrigued. These are the types that enjoy being the beard to a gay male. Because I am straight, they would likely poke and prod a bit, possibly being a little bit playful, but altogether, having a secret pervert for a friend does not provide the same novelty. In most cases they would keep their distance, never being overtly rude, but placing a glass ceiling on how close we would get as friends. They might even go out of their way to make sure they did not cater to my fetish set in any way. The idea that I would be attracted to them would make them uncomfortable in a bad way. As much as they might enjoy my uniqueness, I mostly provide value as an "I know this guy that's into ______," story to impress others.
That leaves 5-7 others. The middle ground is always the hardest because these people will struggle as their idealized ethics and morality will conflict with their actual thoughts. They might want to know why. They might be curious about basics. They want to be open-minded, so overt rudeness is unlikely. "To each their own." "Whatever makes you happy." "Whatever floats your boat." The niceties are code words for, "you make me uncomfortable, but I am determined to remain polite."
If they brave to know more beyond their comfort zone, that is where the reactions can't be hidden so easily. Gasps. Gum smacking. Smirks. Frowning head shakes. These mannerisms tell the story, they are judging me. The interactions will devolve from here. The barriers will go up as they process. Most likely they will have no interest in interacting ever again but they will have an "oh my God, I met this freak" story to tell their closest friends over drinks.
The process will vary a lot within these. The battle going on will be of varying degrees. There will be some sympathy, but how much is shown will depend upon how foreign I am to them. If one of them had a gay uncle they were close with that was ostracized by the family when he came out and eventually committed suicide, they will likely express this sympathy. If 95% of the people they have interacted with at length were the same race, religion, and economic background, there is a greater chance they will lean to hidden disgust.
For someone to accept me, a sample size of 10 is probably too small. 60 might find someone who would actually feel comfortable engaging me on a personal and friendly level.
I'm certain that someone has rolled their eyes by now and are thinking "dude, you're so full of shit, you can't cram people into a box like that and treat generalizations like they are fact." I won't argue with that, but I would counter that I'm not trying to say all of this is true, it is merely how my brain perceives it being true to me. Yes, I am a 10th degree black belt at twisting semantics to justify flawed logic in a manner that fits the broken way that my heart perceives my place in this world.
Something I haven't really written about in detail is that I have outed myself as a submissive to at least 20 vanilla friends. 21 actually if I count them all. 17 were women, 4 were men. I have 3 friends left: 2 men, 1 woman. With the majority of them I only grazed the surface. Some principles about D/s and the like. I have watched people shift their perception of me on a dime. I have watched them fade away because they had no interest in being a part of my life after that. While I may have made up some numbers for this example, the truth of it is that they are based upon my experiences.
I am a subscriber to Cooley's theory of the looking-glass self. My perceptions were formed by where I fit and how others have acted/reacted to me. This is the source of my inherent shame.
What would they think of me? I painfully know the answer to that.
When I get teased, I feel the truth shining through. I feel shame because I am shameful. I feel like if I try to believe a different perspective that I will simply be lying to myself. Instead, I accept it as truth. When I feel someone being that honest with me, I feel warm inside. It means they see the real me, the true me, and they do not reject me.
My means of coping with this is that really, I only need one person on the planet to accept all of me. I value her honesty and do not mind if she uses it to control me. She becomes the only one that I need. She is my savior. She is the one I have been searching for. I will love her with my all. She is the beautiful and amazing Goddess that sees a shameful wretch like me and understands what I can become. This is the blissful existence I long for.
Is that wrong?
It took me years before I spilled my guts on my sexuality during adolescence. In case it got lost on anyone, I will spell it out right here (and yes, I am blushing).
I have never had an orgasm outside of a Femdom context. My earliest masturbation habits always involved being dominated by a woman (I was probably 11-12). I cannot get an erection to "standard" things like porn and naked women.
For the entirety of my life I have been haunted by one big question: What would they think?
What would women think if they knew about me? What would they think if they knew what got me off? If they knew the extent of my perversions?
I know that nearly everyone who is involved in kink has probably had thoughts or doubts that are similar to these. However, most people that I know who are involved in kink have a couple of key characteristics for them to fall back on:
- The majority of them can still achieve climax and arousal by "standard" means, e.g. vanilla sex.
- The majority of them did not have to worry about these fears until after they reached adulthood. 18+, 21+, whatever. Most people don't get into kink until it is legal to be into kink and people with sexual experience are more likely to experiment.
Society told me I wanted those things. The "guys" talked like everyone needed to want those things. I wanted to be tied up and kept as her pet. I hid this. I tried to bury it. I always lost. It always won. I would jerk off and hate myself for it. I would jerk off and want to cry at how fucked up I was. While I wanted to be loved, I was terrified at revealing my true self. I was terrified that I would be rejected. I was terrified that they would tell everyone else and no one would want me. I was absolutely convinced that it would lead to abandonment. Not a great fear for someone who was put up for adoption.
As much as I wanted love, the thought of being unable to perform scared the living hell out of me. It bothered me that I didn't get an erection the first time I held hands with and embraced a girl. It bothered me that I didn't get an erection the first time I kissed a girl. It bothered me that I needed to picture her straddling me while I was bound and helpless to get aroused. It bothered me that if a girl in a fur-trimmed coat gave me a hug and it brushed my cheek that I immediately got an erection and pictured her straddling me while I was bound and helpless.
What would they think of me if they knew the true me? This thought was always present in the back of my mind from age 13 to 24, and still lingers in some deep part of my soul.
I have a pretty good read of people. I have known people from all walks, all backgrounds, that were of varying race, religion, and sexuality. My educational background in college had me studying many different fields with a sound understanding of demographics. Getting to know people on a personal level (while hiding my secret) allowed me to understand a lot of how people tick.
While everyone is unique, people also have a lot of similarities. When you look at populations you start to see trends with historical evidence to back them up. People fear and shun what is different. People are made uncomfortable by concepts that are unfamiliar to them. When confronted with something that makes them uncomfortable, they will fall back on ingrained personal principles to cope with it. Not all of these principles are kind, accepting, or tolerant.
What would they think of me if they knew the real me? Well, if we took a random assortment of 10 vanilla women +/- 5 years of me, I'm pretty certain that at least 2-3 of them would be offended my existence. I would be a blight of society and a symbol of the failings of religion and public education. I would be the person that wasn't missed if the gestapo came and dragged me away.
There would probably be 1-2 that were intrigued. These are the types that enjoy being the beard to a gay male. Because I am straight, they would likely poke and prod a bit, possibly being a little bit playful, but altogether, having a secret pervert for a friend does not provide the same novelty. In most cases they would keep their distance, never being overtly rude, but placing a glass ceiling on how close we would get as friends. They might even go out of their way to make sure they did not cater to my fetish set in any way. The idea that I would be attracted to them would make them uncomfortable in a bad way. As much as they might enjoy my uniqueness, I mostly provide value as an "I know this guy that's into ______," story to impress others.
That leaves 5-7 others. The middle ground is always the hardest because these people will struggle as their idealized ethics and morality will conflict with their actual thoughts. They might want to know why. They might be curious about basics. They want to be open-minded, so overt rudeness is unlikely. "To each their own." "Whatever makes you happy." "Whatever floats your boat." The niceties are code words for, "you make me uncomfortable, but I am determined to remain polite."
If they brave to know more beyond their comfort zone, that is where the reactions can't be hidden so easily. Gasps. Gum smacking. Smirks. Frowning head shakes. These mannerisms tell the story, they are judging me. The interactions will devolve from here. The barriers will go up as they process. Most likely they will have no interest in interacting ever again but they will have an "oh my God, I met this freak" story to tell their closest friends over drinks.
The process will vary a lot within these. The battle going on will be of varying degrees. There will be some sympathy, but how much is shown will depend upon how foreign I am to them. If one of them had a gay uncle they were close with that was ostracized by the family when he came out and eventually committed suicide, they will likely express this sympathy. If 95% of the people they have interacted with at length were the same race, religion, and economic background, there is a greater chance they will lean to hidden disgust.
For someone to accept me, a sample size of 10 is probably too small. 60 might find someone who would actually feel comfortable engaging me on a personal and friendly level.
I'm certain that someone has rolled their eyes by now and are thinking "dude, you're so full of shit, you can't cram people into a box like that and treat generalizations like they are fact." I won't argue with that, but I would counter that I'm not trying to say all of this is true, it is merely how my brain perceives it being true to me. Yes, I am a 10th degree black belt at twisting semantics to justify flawed logic in a manner that fits the broken way that my heart perceives my place in this world.
Something I haven't really written about in detail is that I have outed myself as a submissive to at least 20 vanilla friends. 21 actually if I count them all. 17 were women, 4 were men. I have 3 friends left: 2 men, 1 woman. With the majority of them I only grazed the surface. Some principles about D/s and the like. I have watched people shift their perception of me on a dime. I have watched them fade away because they had no interest in being a part of my life after that. While I may have made up some numbers for this example, the truth of it is that they are based upon my experiences.
I am a subscriber to Cooley's theory of the looking-glass self. My perceptions were formed by where I fit and how others have acted/reacted to me. This is the source of my inherent shame.
What would they think of me? I painfully know the answer to that.
When I get teased, I feel the truth shining through. I feel shame because I am shameful. I feel like if I try to believe a different perspective that I will simply be lying to myself. Instead, I accept it as truth. When I feel someone being that honest with me, I feel warm inside. It means they see the real me, the true me, and they do not reject me.
My means of coping with this is that really, I only need one person on the planet to accept all of me. I value her honesty and do not mind if she uses it to control me. She becomes the only one that I need. She is my savior. She is the one I have been searching for. I will love her with my all. She is the beautiful and amazing Goddess that sees a shameful wretch like me and understands what I can become. This is the blissful existence I long for.
Is that wrong?
Saturday, October 7, 2017
Thoughts on D/s Relationships
In a lot of ways you would think that it would be easier for those in the lifestyle to communicate with one another because we share so much in common. Unfortunately there is often a clash of understanding since our backgrounds and belief structure tend to differ so greatly. A lot of the time I enjoy talking about the differences, especially to hear people's reasons for why they believe what they do. A lot of times it doesn't bode well though. I don't have to agree with someone, but I do like to understand them. Trying to maintain an open view can be hit or miss.
People who inject D/s into an existing relationship will have a very unique perspective on things. There are many couples that are the "we were married 20 years but then started..." type. Having half a lifetime worth of experiences that build love, trust, faith, and belief in the other makes these situations their own type. They loved first, added kink later. Within these you will find a very different outlook between women who found their husband's secret desired submission and those who as a couple embraced a new lifestyle together.
When the desire is asymmetrical, things can often be rocky. I would have to say that from my experiences, there are more men who want their wife to be (more) dominant than Dommes that wish their husbands were more submissive. This same type of friction can happen in newer relationships as well.
The largest contrasting group as a whole are those who seek out relationships to be D/s from the start. This brings about the frequently awful world of kink dating and the differences people desire. While there are a group of men who get cowardly and ghost once things start to get serious, there are a lot of men that are looking to commit seriously. A lot of them tend to be willing to compromise, accept what is offered, and are just happy to be with a Domme.
This can be a bit different with women. Some of them are seeking a perfect soulmate and will not settle for anything less. Others want a long-term partner and are willing to accept a couple of flaws as long as the "base material" is a good fit. Others expect relationships to have a shelf-life that will naturally run its course. Some look to put together a composite of what they are looking for by accepting multiple subs of varying strengths. Some are poly and don't try to limit their love to one person. Some are poly and want those that serve as lovers and those who fill functional roles. Others want to cuckold a man, so they are seeking two partners. The list goes on.
This doesn't even have preferences in mind. Are they seeking a slave? A submissive life-partner? A beta to run with their alpha? Another alpha to dominate? A houseboy/maid? When communication gets difficult, frequently it is because the fundamentals of their search and process differ.
Making it even more complicated is the desired dynamics. Master/slave? Female superiority/supremacy? FLR? 24/7? Bedroom only? Somewhere in between?
Is it consent-based? Unconditional consent/conditional non-consent/meta-consent? Will the sub be respected as an equal? Treated as an inferior? Respected but not equal? Will there be love? Will it be formal?
Another major factor is experience level. Veterans to the lifestyle tend to be fairly set in their ways. Newbies are closer to a blank slate but often have unrealistic expectations. People with similar experience levels are often best suited to "evolve together," as no one is playing catch up. This has a pretty large impact upon it all. Do people still have doubts or are they confident in their role and abilities? Will someone be grounded in reality or still floating around with fantasy desires?
It is strange because I have had experience with lifestyle veterans, newer Dommes, and with people who have a lot of lifestyle experience but new to the role of dominant. With newer Dommes, a lot of their growth developed around some of the dynamics that affected me the most. With the veteran, once she had a good grasp of how my mind worked as a submissive, she actually refined her methods in a similar way. The primary difference between them was that she was a lot more confident in pushing me from the start.
I should note that all of my relationships have been loving even though the parties involved varied greatly by age, preferences, and experience. This always makes me think that while there might be all of this focus upon flavors, that personal compatibility is still probably the most important factor. When you care about each other, things seem to find a way to work.
People who inject D/s into an existing relationship will have a very unique perspective on things. There are many couples that are the "we were married 20 years but then started..." type. Having half a lifetime worth of experiences that build love, trust, faith, and belief in the other makes these situations their own type. They loved first, added kink later. Within these you will find a very different outlook between women who found their husband's secret desired submission and those who as a couple embraced a new lifestyle together.
When the desire is asymmetrical, things can often be rocky. I would have to say that from my experiences, there are more men who want their wife to be (more) dominant than Dommes that wish their husbands were more submissive. This same type of friction can happen in newer relationships as well.
The largest contrasting group as a whole are those who seek out relationships to be D/s from the start. This brings about the frequently awful world of kink dating and the differences people desire. While there are a group of men who get cowardly and ghost once things start to get serious, there are a lot of men that are looking to commit seriously. A lot of them tend to be willing to compromise, accept what is offered, and are just happy to be with a Domme.
This can be a bit different with women. Some of them are seeking a perfect soulmate and will not settle for anything less. Others want a long-term partner and are willing to accept a couple of flaws as long as the "base material" is a good fit. Others expect relationships to have a shelf-life that will naturally run its course. Some look to put together a composite of what they are looking for by accepting multiple subs of varying strengths. Some are poly and don't try to limit their love to one person. Some are poly and want those that serve as lovers and those who fill functional roles. Others want to cuckold a man, so they are seeking two partners. The list goes on.
This doesn't even have preferences in mind. Are they seeking a slave? A submissive life-partner? A beta to run with their alpha? Another alpha to dominate? A houseboy/maid? When communication gets difficult, frequently it is because the fundamentals of their search and process differ.
Making it even more complicated is the desired dynamics. Master/slave? Female superiority/supremacy? FLR? 24/7? Bedroom only? Somewhere in between?
Is it consent-based? Unconditional consent/conditional non-consent/meta-consent? Will the sub be respected as an equal? Treated as an inferior? Respected but not equal? Will there be love? Will it be formal?
Another major factor is experience level. Veterans to the lifestyle tend to be fairly set in their ways. Newbies are closer to a blank slate but often have unrealistic expectations. People with similar experience levels are often best suited to "evolve together," as no one is playing catch up. This has a pretty large impact upon it all. Do people still have doubts or are they confident in their role and abilities? Will someone be grounded in reality or still floating around with fantasy desires?
It is strange because I have had experience with lifestyle veterans, newer Dommes, and with people who have a lot of lifestyle experience but new to the role of dominant. With newer Dommes, a lot of their growth developed around some of the dynamics that affected me the most. With the veteran, once she had a good grasp of how my mind worked as a submissive, she actually refined her methods in a similar way. The primary difference between them was that she was a lot more confident in pushing me from the start.
I should note that all of my relationships have been loving even though the parties involved varied greatly by age, preferences, and experience. This always makes me think that while there might be all of this focus upon flavors, that personal compatibility is still probably the most important factor. When you care about each other, things seem to find a way to work.
Thursday, September 28, 2017
Why I give up control
I believe for many, the most difficult aspect of D/s is the act of truly giving up control. Many activities in the lifestyle feel quite momentary. You have a task, you complete it, done. You play or have kinky sex, you complete it, done. While there may be rules out there, in many cases following them are optional, and breaking them only matters if you get caught, right?
Truly giving up control has no off switch. Even when you are asked for an opinion, suggestion, or preference, that notion that you are expressing yourself in a meaningful way is because the dominant chooses it.
When I talk to "kink-curious" individuals, newer subs, and the like, the control aspect is frequently their biggest hangup. How do you trust someone enough to give up control? Some of it is faith, the rest is doing your best to read the dominant and hope their character and nature are conducive to the responsibility of control before making this choice. I think what they are really getting at is why someone would want to truly give up control.
If the answers were only about kink, then bedroom roleplay would probably be enough for people to get their fix. Yet people press on. I believe the reasons behind this are extremely personal. It's often easier to cite ideals and principles that guard our emotions from being exposed, e.g. female superiority, but I think deep down, that people who reach this point do so gradually, over a long period of time.
I can speak from my own experiences as to why I relinquish control. I always had too much control. I was one of those kids that got left home alone fairly young because my parent's trusted that I wouldn't burn the house down or go running to that windowless van with the "Free Puppies" sign on it. After my parents divorce this got taken to the extreme quite a bit. At 16 I started being left alone for weeks on end. If I wanted to eat, I had to cook or have enough money to order take-out, delivery, or go out to eat. If I missed school there was no parent/guardian around to call in and excuse the absence. If I was sick I had to go in, get checked in, go to the nurse's office and have her excuse me from school in order to avoid detention/suspension/loss of grades. While I had a lot more freedoms than most of my peers, I also had a lot of responsibilities. Laundry. Every meal. Work. Car maintenance. House maintenance.
Basically, I had a lot of freedom but also had to bear the responsibility of my choices. I ended up very independent, but also quite lonely at times. I can remember the ache of being up at 3am watching Cinemax so that I could exhaust my brain in order to sleep. From age 16 to 24 I was alone a lot. I had the freedom to make whatever choices I wanted to because I didn't have to consider others in my life a lot of the time. If I wanted to sit around and play video games all day I could do that. If I wanted to go to a concert that wouldn't let out until 2:30am when I had to wake up for school the next day at 6am I could do that. Eventually, it got tiresome. That freedom didn't bring me happiness. The freedom just reminded me how lonely I was. It reminded me of how badly I wanted to have someone special in my life. It let me know that having to consider someone else with my choices was far better than answering only to myself.
As my high school friendships had all but vanished by the time I was in my early 20's, I found myself feeling quite isolated, invisible in the masses of a huge university, and dreading the "rest of my life." If the rest of my life was going to be as empty and unfulfilling as things were... was something I didn't want. In my evaluation of self I began to sift through which of my personal characteristics were important to me... and which ones were not. In the end I found that all I really cared about were the things that no one could take from me: my mind, my thoughts, my tastes, my experiences, and so on.
The list of things that were unimportant was rather extensive. They mattered so little to me. I didn't care about my hairstyle, the style clothes that I wore, the places that I went, the part of town I lived in, and so on. My habits were a way to kill time. Make the days pass in as pleasant a way as possible. If I had something better to do, I would have dropped them in a heart beat.
I wanted nothing more than to love and to be loved. I wanted someone to be there when I lay down in bed. I wanted someone to be there when I woke up. I wanted someone who I had to think about when making decisions and anticipating her reactions to the choices I would make before I made them. I wanted someone there who would approve when I exercised sound judgment and answer me honestly when I did not. I wanted someone to grow old with.
In a relationship, I expected to conform. My adopted father conformed to my adopted mother. When they divorced and both remarried, I watched my stepfather conform to my mother and my father conform to my stepmother. Nearly all of my male friends conformed to their girlfriends. In the world I was in, the woman always took the lead. It was about the male giving her what she wanted and hopefully having enough time left to have some of his own time too. Even in the absence of kink, this is how I viewed relationships.
By the time I found love and D/s, giving up control was no problem. I had lived by my own rules and it never made me happy. I wanted to have to check in if I was going to be late. I wanted to be told where we were going for dinner and who we would be meeting up with. I was okay for having the next 42 weekends booked out in advance. I would still be me and have the parts inside my head, but no longer would I have to fear being alone or aching while staving off the loneliness. Give up control? Yes, please.
Truly giving up control has no off switch. Even when you are asked for an opinion, suggestion, or preference, that notion that you are expressing yourself in a meaningful way is because the dominant chooses it.
When I talk to "kink-curious" individuals, newer subs, and the like, the control aspect is frequently their biggest hangup. How do you trust someone enough to give up control? Some of it is faith, the rest is doing your best to read the dominant and hope their character and nature are conducive to the responsibility of control before making this choice. I think what they are really getting at is why someone would want to truly give up control.
If the answers were only about kink, then bedroom roleplay would probably be enough for people to get their fix. Yet people press on. I believe the reasons behind this are extremely personal. It's often easier to cite ideals and principles that guard our emotions from being exposed, e.g. female superiority, but I think deep down, that people who reach this point do so gradually, over a long period of time.
I can speak from my own experiences as to why I relinquish control. I always had too much control. I was one of those kids that got left home alone fairly young because my parent's trusted that I wouldn't burn the house down or go running to that windowless van with the "Free Puppies" sign on it. After my parents divorce this got taken to the extreme quite a bit. At 16 I started being left alone for weeks on end. If I wanted to eat, I had to cook or have enough money to order take-out, delivery, or go out to eat. If I missed school there was no parent/guardian around to call in and excuse the absence. If I was sick I had to go in, get checked in, go to the nurse's office and have her excuse me from school in order to avoid detention/suspension/loss of grades. While I had a lot more freedoms than most of my peers, I also had a lot of responsibilities. Laundry. Every meal. Work. Car maintenance. House maintenance.
Basically, I had a lot of freedom but also had to bear the responsibility of my choices. I ended up very independent, but also quite lonely at times. I can remember the ache of being up at 3am watching Cinemax so that I could exhaust my brain in order to sleep. From age 16 to 24 I was alone a lot. I had the freedom to make whatever choices I wanted to because I didn't have to consider others in my life a lot of the time. If I wanted to sit around and play video games all day I could do that. If I wanted to go to a concert that wouldn't let out until 2:30am when I had to wake up for school the next day at 6am I could do that. Eventually, it got tiresome. That freedom didn't bring me happiness. The freedom just reminded me how lonely I was. It reminded me of how badly I wanted to have someone special in my life. It let me know that having to consider someone else with my choices was far better than answering only to myself.
As my high school friendships had all but vanished by the time I was in my early 20's, I found myself feeling quite isolated, invisible in the masses of a huge university, and dreading the "rest of my life." If the rest of my life was going to be as empty and unfulfilling as things were... was something I didn't want. In my evaluation of self I began to sift through which of my personal characteristics were important to me... and which ones were not. In the end I found that all I really cared about were the things that no one could take from me: my mind, my thoughts, my tastes, my experiences, and so on.
The list of things that were unimportant was rather extensive. They mattered so little to me. I didn't care about my hairstyle, the style clothes that I wore, the places that I went, the part of town I lived in, and so on. My habits were a way to kill time. Make the days pass in as pleasant a way as possible. If I had something better to do, I would have dropped them in a heart beat.
I wanted nothing more than to love and to be loved. I wanted someone to be there when I lay down in bed. I wanted someone to be there when I woke up. I wanted someone who I had to think about when making decisions and anticipating her reactions to the choices I would make before I made them. I wanted someone there who would approve when I exercised sound judgment and answer me honestly when I did not. I wanted someone to grow old with.
In a relationship, I expected to conform. My adopted father conformed to my adopted mother. When they divorced and both remarried, I watched my stepfather conform to my mother and my father conform to my stepmother. Nearly all of my male friends conformed to their girlfriends. In the world I was in, the woman always took the lead. It was about the male giving her what she wanted and hopefully having enough time left to have some of his own time too. Even in the absence of kink, this is how I viewed relationships.
By the time I found love and D/s, giving up control was no problem. I had lived by my own rules and it never made me happy. I wanted to have to check in if I was going to be late. I wanted to be told where we were going for dinner and who we would be meeting up with. I was okay for having the next 42 weekends booked out in advance. I would still be me and have the parts inside my head, but no longer would I have to fear being alone or aching while staving off the loneliness. Give up control? Yes, please.
Tuesday, September 26, 2017
Evolving the submissive self
Being a submissive in the D/s lifestyle is one of the few times where a person constantly evolves under the guidance of a true merit-based system. Certain behaviors are encouraged while others are discouraged. Over time we find ourselves shaped into the image that the Domme desires. At each plateau, repetition helps polish our skills and improve the quality of our service. In turn, this makes us a "better" submissive. The better that we conform, the more likely we are to instill confidence in the Domme, often granting her the courage to push us to the next step and continuing the evolutionary process for both parties.
That being said, I believe it is very possible for a sub to evolve on their own by imagining dominance. Try to imagine what a Domme thinks, feels, desires, and needs. How do things touch her in a positive way when it comes to her heart, her mind, her beliefs, her sexuality, and practical functionality?
If you are like me, the process may not be clear on all of these fronts, but it is still possible to attempt to extrapolate the cause and effect chains. If you have a dominant partner, hopefully you've been paying enough attention to her to pick these things up. If you don't have a dominant partner, try to picture the personality type of the dominant that you would like to serve. This differs greatly from fantasy. In fantasy, you are envisioning what speaks to you. In these cases, you want to imagine what speaks to her. It may be a bit of a reality check to think about all of the things you like that provide a Domme with no benefit.
Forgive the generalization here, but from my experiences women tend to respond to symbolism and meaning from actions more than men do, so when imagining an event it is also important to picture how she will interpret it in a greater sense of things. This is very important in making sure that you picture things that think solely about her and not use this as a means to try to covertly manipulate response that will lead to favorable treatment for yourself.
Thoughtfulness, effort, and displays of affection will likely be well-received. Things that speak to obedience, control, and ownership are also a plus. It may also work to elevate her status, pamper her, unleash the pleasure in life through pampering, and make her feel like a cherished Goddess. Expect nothing beyond the "in the moment" response. Expect no reciprocation. Require no thanks. Have no impure motive. The answers to why should remain simple. "Because I wanted to." "Because I thought you would like it." "Because I wanted to see you smile." "Because I love you." "Because you are my Queen."
Working this through will improve your active submission. You will become better at anticipating needs. You will find new ways to please that she may not have even imagined.
As much as we can ever evolve by responding to her dominance, there are hundreds of ways we can better ourselves as submissives by being proactive and finding new ways to please her.
That being said, I believe it is very possible for a sub to evolve on their own by imagining dominance. Try to imagine what a Domme thinks, feels, desires, and needs. How do things touch her in a positive way when it comes to her heart, her mind, her beliefs, her sexuality, and practical functionality?
If you are like me, the process may not be clear on all of these fronts, but it is still possible to attempt to extrapolate the cause and effect chains. If you have a dominant partner, hopefully you've been paying enough attention to her to pick these things up. If you don't have a dominant partner, try to picture the personality type of the dominant that you would like to serve. This differs greatly from fantasy. In fantasy, you are envisioning what speaks to you. In these cases, you want to imagine what speaks to her. It may be a bit of a reality check to think about all of the things you like that provide a Domme with no benefit.
Forgive the generalization here, but from my experiences women tend to respond to symbolism and meaning from actions more than men do, so when imagining an event it is also important to picture how she will interpret it in a greater sense of things. This is very important in making sure that you picture things that think solely about her and not use this as a means to try to covertly manipulate response that will lead to favorable treatment for yourself.
Thoughtfulness, effort, and displays of affection will likely be well-received. Things that speak to obedience, control, and ownership are also a plus. It may also work to elevate her status, pamper her, unleash the pleasure in life through pampering, and make her feel like a cherished Goddess. Expect nothing beyond the "in the moment" response. Expect no reciprocation. Require no thanks. Have no impure motive. The answers to why should remain simple. "Because I wanted to." "Because I thought you would like it." "Because I wanted to see you smile." "Because I love you." "Because you are my Queen."
Working this through will improve your active submission. You will become better at anticipating needs. You will find new ways to please that she may not have even imagined.
As much as we can ever evolve by responding to her dominance, there are hundreds of ways we can better ourselves as submissives by being proactive and finding new ways to please her.
Monday, September 25, 2017
Random Thoughts on flavors of D/s
One of the biggest
fundamental differences in the way that people view a BDSM-oriented
kink lifestyle is related to how encompassing the dynamics fall into
every day life. Basically, does power exchange occur only during
defined periods or is it on all the time?
For some, D/s is
roleplay engaged in between consenting individuals for set periods of
time with the goal of mutual pleasure.
For some, D/s is a
way of life that governs nearly every aspect of daily life.
There are also some
hybrid forms where most of the "action" occurs at defined
times but there may be some daily responsibilities required of one
party or the other.
I tend to avoid
passing judgement over the flavors that people prefer. The world is
far too miserable of a place to look down upon anything that makes a
couple happy. If someone just wants steamy hot sex, I see nothing
wrong with that. If someone wants a personal servant doting upon
their every whim, I see nothing wrong with that.
I will go ahead and
create my own terms here: full time for those who practice
D/s as an "always on" lifestyle, and part time for
those with dynamics that are not always on.
I will note that I
believe the vast majority of those who partake in D/s would classify
themselves as part time. I believe full time is the minority even
though they may be represented disproportionately high in the
blogosphere.
A lot of the full
time vs. part time reasoning depends heavily upon the preferences of
the dominant. They bear the brunt of the responsibility for keeping
the dynamics going, so it makes sense that the extent of the dynamics
should fall in line with how much they are wanting to monitor things.
As far as submissive desires go, I think there is often a wide rift
between what they fantasize about and what they can actually handle.
With that in mind, it is easy for subs to desire full time but then
struggle when facing it as a reality. A good number of them can
retain a rational balance by knowing to “be careful what you wish
for.”
Having lived out
both styles, I have to say that I crave full time beyond anything.
The reality of it is terrifying. As much as you can build up trust
it is still a leap of faith to present yourself with total
vulnerability. I believe this is what separates roleplay from
lifestyle. In roleplay you may act powerless or at the mercy of
another. It is controlled. There is a start, a stop, and you will
be “back to normal” upon its completion. This in itself is a
fine choice. It is a safe choice. It is a reasonable and
responsible choice.
It is scary as hell
to adapt to a new way of living, a new way of thinking, and a new set
of ever-evolving expectations while having little power to control
what will happen. There are limits, of course, but anything that
falls short of those limits is fair game. I think this type of
vulnerability scares a lot of people even in vanilla relationships.
To allow the one we love to see us without guards, without walls, and
without masks is terrifying. They see our good and our bad, our
strengths and our weaknesses. However, I have to say that when they
see you all the way to your core and still choose to embrace you, you
really have found that truly special bond that can’t be built in
any other way.
Sunday, September 24, 2017
Compromises
Note: This is written from the standpoint of those interested in a 24-7 lifestyle Femdom or FLR type relationship and will not pertain as much to those seeking a more casual BDSM-oriented relationship.
In the majority of the advice I write geared at single subs attempting to court a Domme, I generally preach to be expecting of and willing to make severe compromises in order to fit into what a Domme will require of her sub. While there are certain times when things are obviously a bad fit, e.g. if her favorite activity is the sub's number one hard limit or vice versa. For the most part, accepting this idea is what (hopefully) breaks the sub from their own personal masturbation fantasy into a more realistic sense of the lifestyle. The relative scarcity of Dommes keeps this from being much of a negotiation.
Sex and play will be on her terms. While the sub's preferences may be taken into consideration, it is probably wise to accept that she will not cater directly to them. Even if she loves the sub likes them a lot, the dynamics will flow better if she gets what she wants and the sub might receive their preference if it coincides with her desires or if she occasionally decides to throw the sub a bone with a special type of play every now and then. For the most part, this probably works best if it never appears like it's the sub's idea or that they are getting exactly what they want because they like it. If a sub gets it once and feels even slightly empowered by it, there is a high probability that they will press for or expect it again... and again... and again.
I have been approached by newer Dommes for advice on occasion and in the past I have recommended that the Domme offer few or no compromises on her part but expect tremendous compromises from the sub. This will help to weed out the fakes and set the tone for the relationship from the start.
There is an area where neither party should compromise: fundamental philosophical ideology. There are certain gaps that can't be bridged and it generally happens when the fundamental understanding of what a D/s relationship "should" be like differs between both parties. It is possible that through extensive discussion that the gap can be narrowed a bit as both parties come to understand one another, but in some cases people will be so set in their beliefs that change will be impossible. The end result is that neither party will ever be happy or content with how things are and the friction that builds up over time may bring about an even more firmly entrenched hard-line stance on the differing views.
While this might seem like common sense, desperation does some crazy things. "This is my first good prospect in months" can lead to a lot of wishful thinking and glazing over of these critical differences. Knowing when and when not to compromise can save a lot of pain and wasted time.
Something I should note is that when subs are interacting with a potential Domme is that submissive ideologies can be faked and lied about. Personality, on the other hand, is much more difficult to falsely present and with repeated contact, the true personality will inevitably surface. From my experiences, most Dommes find subs more appealing if their personality seems genuine, they are funny, smart, and have interesting things to say and share. Even if everything meshes well on a D/s level, there's still, you know... the rest of life to think about. If the end goal is to be in a serious relationship where you live together, being interesting enough to be an appealing life partner is just as important as the other aspects. If one party likes long outdoor hikes and the other prefers to sit around playing Xbox for the duration of their leisure time, this too may be a gap that can't be bridged.
In the majority of the advice I write geared at single subs attempting to court a Domme, I generally preach to be expecting of and willing to make severe compromises in order to fit into what a Domme will require of her sub. While there are certain times when things are obviously a bad fit, e.g. if her favorite activity is the sub's number one hard limit or vice versa. For the most part, accepting this idea is what (hopefully) breaks the sub from their own personal masturbation fantasy into a more realistic sense of the lifestyle. The relative scarcity of Dommes keeps this from being much of a negotiation.
Sex and play will be on her terms. While the sub's preferences may be taken into consideration, it is probably wise to accept that she will not cater directly to them. Even if she loves the sub likes them a lot, the dynamics will flow better if she gets what she wants and the sub might receive their preference if it coincides with her desires or if she occasionally decides to throw the sub a bone with a special type of play every now and then. For the most part, this probably works best if it never appears like it's the sub's idea or that they are getting exactly what they want because they like it. If a sub gets it once and feels even slightly empowered by it, there is a high probability that they will press for or expect it again... and again... and again.
I have been approached by newer Dommes for advice on occasion and in the past I have recommended that the Domme offer few or no compromises on her part but expect tremendous compromises from the sub. This will help to weed out the fakes and set the tone for the relationship from the start.
There is an area where neither party should compromise: fundamental philosophical ideology. There are certain gaps that can't be bridged and it generally happens when the fundamental understanding of what a D/s relationship "should" be like differs between both parties. It is possible that through extensive discussion that the gap can be narrowed a bit as both parties come to understand one another, but in some cases people will be so set in their beliefs that change will be impossible. The end result is that neither party will ever be happy or content with how things are and the friction that builds up over time may bring about an even more firmly entrenched hard-line stance on the differing views.
While this might seem like common sense, desperation does some crazy things. "This is my first good prospect in months" can lead to a lot of wishful thinking and glazing over of these critical differences. Knowing when and when not to compromise can save a lot of pain and wasted time.
Something I should note is that when subs are interacting with a potential Domme is that submissive ideologies can be faked and lied about. Personality, on the other hand, is much more difficult to falsely present and with repeated contact, the true personality will inevitably surface. From my experiences, most Dommes find subs more appealing if their personality seems genuine, they are funny, smart, and have interesting things to say and share. Even if everything meshes well on a D/s level, there's still, you know... the rest of life to think about. If the end goal is to be in a serious relationship where you live together, being interesting enough to be an appealing life partner is just as important as the other aspects. If one party likes long outdoor hikes and the other prefers to sit around playing Xbox for the duration of their leisure time, this too may be a gap that can't be bridged.
Status and Stations
I recently read some comments on a different blog that I wanted to respond to but left that for the author. I do not feel safe speaking for others but with enough information I can sometimes do pretty well at guessing on their thought process. Having followed well over a hundred blogs for years and been a part of several local and internet-based groups you tend to see most of what can exist out there.
There is one aspect of lifestyle Femdom that people seem to struggle finding common ground upon. This happens quite a bit when a lifestyle dynamic is set up in such a way that differs from their own (or their ideal) in such a fundamental way that it almost seems like both parties are speaking different languages. Some of the more common situations where this happens is in regards to how the dominant views the submissive as a person, the relative statuses of the Domme and sub, and the sub's mindset they take into the relationship. "I don't see how someone would want _______."
Having taken a good number of history, humanities, and philosophy courses while in college, I have found that misunderstandings happen quite frequently when confronting ideas that conflict with someone's view of the world, existence as an individual, etc. While being aware of the differences doesn't necessarily solve everything, hopefully being aware of their existence may be helpful to someone.
Status as Equals
We live in an era where a large majority of people that are out in the world have been raised with the idea of gender and racial equality. While sexism and racism still run rampant, institutional discrimination is far less common and many people are more likely to keep their prejudiced sides private. e.g. Appear tolerant even if you aren't. If memory serves, it wasn't until the late 1990's or so that the belief in equality was accepted on a societal level.
Part of the process of tearing down centuries of sexism and oppression of women was the pounding home of the concept of equality. Equal. Equal rights. Equal pay. Equal opportunities. Women can be just as good as men. Equal. Since then, women as a whole have become stronger, more independent, and more successful. This brought about a shift in what women look for in potential spouses.
In the patriarchal days, it was common for a woman to work when single but when she got married, the husband would be the decision-maker and breadwinner and she would tend to the home and raise the children. This was the "American Dream" for decades. Strong, stable, independent men with a sense of duty and responsibility were the ideal.
Enter the now, where it is common for women to be as career-oriented as men were in the 50's and it is not uncommon for a woman to be more successful and motivated in her career than her husband/boyfriend/lover. The ideal of a male partner didn't change much. The big change was in relative statuses of men and women. Equal.
The modern woman is motivated, goal oriented, interested in personal growth, strong, independent, and competent. If she sees her ideal partner as her equal, he too must be all of those things to an equal or greater extent than she is.
While a Domme might not use the term equal, one type of Femdom relationship is based around a strong, independent, and motivated male partner. They seek to dominate this worthy male and often enjoy that someone of this character submits to her.
Complimentary Status
A far less commonly practiced idea is that of complimentary status. This seems odd to me because the patriarchal form of this existed for centuries. One person has the dreams and goals for how they want life to be like, the other supports them in those goals. These situations exist quite harmoniously as there is a balance of yin/yang. Why they aren't more common leads me back to the ideal of "equal," and that a male that will gladly defer and support a motivated woman from behind the scenes is just often over-looked.
There is that saying, "Behind every great man is a great woman." Will we ever reach a point where there is the saying, "Behind every great Domme is a great sub"?
Superior/Inferior Status
The concept of a person being inferior is a bit of a polarizing topic. Many people will see this idea as dreadful and the thought of being with someone they would deem inferior as being even more dreadful. I think the reason that this is foreign and such a taboo is because a whole lot of people have lived their entire lives with the existence of a middle class.
If you watch an average historical drama that involves characters living within the nobility/aristocracy, they live in grand estates with huge homes, tons of land, and a whole crap-load of things that would require constant upkeep and maintenance. While a family of four might own the estate, there might be fifty servants that attend to all of the tedious daily tasks. While the maid, butler, valet, cook, chauffeur, groundskeeper, stable-master, etc. are all people, they aren't "real people." The servants have accepted a lower station in life.
They are not equals. The masters of the estate hold immense power over their daily existence, well-being, and livelihood. The daily lives of the servants focus upon making the daily lives of their masters better. While they may have their own interests and personalities, they are not the ones that have the freedom nor means to pursue those interests like the masters do. Said historical dramas tend to focus more upon the masters than the servants.
I think it is difficult for many people to understand why someone would accept a lower station in life in a world where opportunity exists to grow beyond that. If someone makes peace with that decision it is seen as a reflection of weakness. If an equal is strong, motivated, and independent, then someone who is timid, obedient, and dependent is not an equal.
When someone holds inferior status, they seem like less of a person. Some may wish to feel their sub is their inferior. Others will greatly dislike this idea.
Historically speaking and also within the realm of D/s, there is a lower station in life than that of servant: slave. Most of the thriving ancient civilizations had cultures that were heavily based upon slavery. While accurate historical data is impossible to determine, it is often estimated that in cultures like ancient Greece, that slaves likely outnumbered citizens in many cases.
I believe this lowest station in life is the most difficult for people to picture and it is heavily influenced by slavery in the United States that was heavily race-oriented. In much of history, slavery was not based upon race, it was a class of society that existed as the backbone of their economy and could happen due to losing a war, your village being raided, family debt, birth, and the like. In this state you are less than a person. Your station in life is to obey and the chances of ever rising above that are slim to none.
Overall, I believe that all of these situations exist in some form in D/s. As you move down the ladder, subs seem less and less like equals. If someone ever asks what makes a Domme see the sub as "less of a man," I hope this writing gives some answers to that question.
There is one aspect of lifestyle Femdom that people seem to struggle finding common ground upon. This happens quite a bit when a lifestyle dynamic is set up in such a way that differs from their own (or their ideal) in such a fundamental way that it almost seems like both parties are speaking different languages. Some of the more common situations where this happens is in regards to how the dominant views the submissive as a person, the relative statuses of the Domme and sub, and the sub's mindset they take into the relationship. "I don't see how someone would want _______."
Having taken a good number of history, humanities, and philosophy courses while in college, I have found that misunderstandings happen quite frequently when confronting ideas that conflict with someone's view of the world, existence as an individual, etc. While being aware of the differences doesn't necessarily solve everything, hopefully being aware of their existence may be helpful to someone.
Status as Equals
We live in an era where a large majority of people that are out in the world have been raised with the idea of gender and racial equality. While sexism and racism still run rampant, institutional discrimination is far less common and many people are more likely to keep their prejudiced sides private. e.g. Appear tolerant even if you aren't. If memory serves, it wasn't until the late 1990's or so that the belief in equality was accepted on a societal level.
Part of the process of tearing down centuries of sexism and oppression of women was the pounding home of the concept of equality. Equal. Equal rights. Equal pay. Equal opportunities. Women can be just as good as men. Equal. Since then, women as a whole have become stronger, more independent, and more successful. This brought about a shift in what women look for in potential spouses.
In the patriarchal days, it was common for a woman to work when single but when she got married, the husband would be the decision-maker and breadwinner and she would tend to the home and raise the children. This was the "American Dream" for decades. Strong, stable, independent men with a sense of duty and responsibility were the ideal.
Enter the now, where it is common for women to be as career-oriented as men were in the 50's and it is not uncommon for a woman to be more successful and motivated in her career than her husband/boyfriend/lover. The ideal of a male partner didn't change much. The big change was in relative statuses of men and women. Equal.
The modern woman is motivated, goal oriented, interested in personal growth, strong, independent, and competent. If she sees her ideal partner as her equal, he too must be all of those things to an equal or greater extent than she is.
While a Domme might not use the term equal, one type of Femdom relationship is based around a strong, independent, and motivated male partner. They seek to dominate this worthy male and often enjoy that someone of this character submits to her.
Complimentary Status
A far less commonly practiced idea is that of complimentary status. This seems odd to me because the patriarchal form of this existed for centuries. One person has the dreams and goals for how they want life to be like, the other supports them in those goals. These situations exist quite harmoniously as there is a balance of yin/yang. Why they aren't more common leads me back to the ideal of "equal," and that a male that will gladly defer and support a motivated woman from behind the scenes is just often over-looked.
There is that saying, "Behind every great man is a great woman." Will we ever reach a point where there is the saying, "Behind every great Domme is a great sub"?
Superior/Inferior Status
The concept of a person being inferior is a bit of a polarizing topic. Many people will see this idea as dreadful and the thought of being with someone they would deem inferior as being even more dreadful. I think the reason that this is foreign and such a taboo is because a whole lot of people have lived their entire lives with the existence of a middle class.
If you watch an average historical drama that involves characters living within the nobility/aristocracy, they live in grand estates with huge homes, tons of land, and a whole crap-load of things that would require constant upkeep and maintenance. While a family of four might own the estate, there might be fifty servants that attend to all of the tedious daily tasks. While the maid, butler, valet, cook, chauffeur, groundskeeper, stable-master, etc. are all people, they aren't "real people." The servants have accepted a lower station in life.
They are not equals. The masters of the estate hold immense power over their daily existence, well-being, and livelihood. The daily lives of the servants focus upon making the daily lives of their masters better. While they may have their own interests and personalities, they are not the ones that have the freedom nor means to pursue those interests like the masters do. Said historical dramas tend to focus more upon the masters than the servants.
I think it is difficult for many people to understand why someone would accept a lower station in life in a world where opportunity exists to grow beyond that. If someone makes peace with that decision it is seen as a reflection of weakness. If an equal is strong, motivated, and independent, then someone who is timid, obedient, and dependent is not an equal.
When someone holds inferior status, they seem like less of a person. Some may wish to feel their sub is their inferior. Others will greatly dislike this idea.
Historically speaking and also within the realm of D/s, there is a lower station in life than that of servant: slave. Most of the thriving ancient civilizations had cultures that were heavily based upon slavery. While accurate historical data is impossible to determine, it is often estimated that in cultures like ancient Greece, that slaves likely outnumbered citizens in many cases.
I believe this lowest station in life is the most difficult for people to picture and it is heavily influenced by slavery in the United States that was heavily race-oriented. In much of history, slavery was not based upon race, it was a class of society that existed as the backbone of their economy and could happen due to losing a war, your village being raided, family debt, birth, and the like. In this state you are less than a person. Your station in life is to obey and the chances of ever rising above that are slim to none.
Overall, I believe that all of these situations exist in some form in D/s. As you move down the ladder, subs seem less and less like equals. If someone ever asks what makes a Domme see the sub as "less of a man," I hope this writing gives some answers to that question.
Thursday, September 21, 2017
Control Dynamics
Over the years my
experiences and desires have grown stronger and one of the important
aspects of D/s that spins around my head on a consistent basis is the
concept of control dynamics.
In the most general
sense, control dynamics are rules and ideas that govern a D/s
relationship that emphasize the power and control that the Domme
holds over her sub. You will find some degree of control dynamics
involved in pretty much every D/s relationship. Some dynamics are
far more common than others, e.g. orgasm control is one of the basic
topics covered in a good number of "how to" guides and
frequently exists in some form from the beginning of the relationship
or at the start of D/s within an existing relationship. I have found
that the strictness of the dynamics frequently reflects the sadistic
desires of the Domme.
In most cases, the
rules involved are somewhat optional and do not have a tremendous
impact upon the success and failure of the relationship. They aren't
of the same kind of importance as trust, honesty, and loyalty where a
slip up will have devastating effects on the relationship. Control
dynamics are put in place... to increase control. This is often
unnecessary, but it can have a significant impact upon the sub's
mental state.
An individual has
free will and may choose their own behavior. There are some ideals
for submissive behavior: Be respectful. Be polite. Be courteous. Be
attentive. Etc. In the absence of rules the sub has the freedom to
choose to behave this way or not (although most subs that are worth a
damn would choose to). To exert control a dominant may choose to
create rules that remove this freedom. Always address her by her
proper title. Kneel and bow when greeting her. Do not turn your
back to her. As each rule falls into place, the sub's free will is
replaced by a set of necessary actions with consequences. These may
be completely unnecessary to a well-mannered sub, but it does a lot
to shape the sub's mental state.
The greater the
number of rules, the less freedom the sub has to act with, the
greater the chance of punishable failure, and an increased level of
mental duress experienced by the sub. This may be appealing to some
and unappealing to others. I am of the sort where I feel that
control dynamics bring out my best self. The greater the challenge,
the more I rise to overcome it. The greater the challenge, the more
I am able to prove my worth and devotion.
That being said, I
can understand where one or more of the involved parties prefer to
avoid extensive use of control dynamics. Rules are a lot of work.
While the sub may find themselves being pulled from their comfort
zone, there is a greater burden that falls upon the Domme. Not only
are they responsible for forming the rules (and revising them over
time), it is also their responsibility to monitor the sub’s
behavior for compliance and punish infractions. Another potential
hangup is the idea that subs should want to do it on their own
without the need to have rules pertaining to it.
I know in my own
world, I do want to make the Domme I serve happy. I want to do the
things that please her. I want to be everything she wants me to be.
I want to be perfect for her. At the same time, my submissive side
craves to feel utterly controlled. I want there to be no illusion of
freedom. If I choose “no,” I want this to lead to pain and the
eventual “yes.” My first two D/s relationships were of this
sort. As time passed, the control dynamics continued to build until
it felt like my entire existence was focused upon obedience for her
benefit. It felt rather nice, indeed. Their creativity would run
wild, coming up with new and intricate ways to enhance their control
and enslave me even more deeply. This made me feel deeply loved,
especially when I had no say in the matter and I could see how they
were further twisting me to their will.
Overall, I just felt
like writing about this since it is so easy to get hung up on
specific acts, rules, or the like. I find the concept of control in
general to be so fascinating and arousing. I probably could have
listed examples, but maybe sometime in the future.
Sunday, September 17, 2017
Reflection
Over time I've grown comfortable with a handful of ideas about myself and my place in this world. These feelings often get shunned by those who are big on the "self help" circuit and go against many of the principles of emotional health. I've tried to stop caring about perceptions for the most part, but alas it is unavoidable to have some hurt if I find myself feeling attacked (even if I wish this were not true).
It is strange how the words of the heart resonate so strongly... even if they defy logic and what we rationally understand to be true. If only being rational would chase away the demons. My choice was to exist with them and try to be the best that I could be in spite of them. As much as I try to heal, there are parts of the damage that feel beyond repair and it feels easier to work with it rather than against it.
These are some of the "truths" that I have been unable to break away from. Instead I embrace them and compensate for them. This is how D/s resonates with me so deeply. These are the feelings that I keep hidden from the world while I feign social competence on a regular basis.
-I have no inherent worth as a person. My value is derived by what I can provide for others and how I may benefit them. These benefits must be of such value that someone would accept a person like me over someone who does hold inherent worth. I must prove myself with love and obedience. The value of my service is the value of my self. My strengths as a person enhance the quality and capacity of my service.
-Because I lack worth, it is fine for me to be treated badly. It feels reasonable, justified, and natural. Being permitted to serve is the "reward" that I earn for my service. My feelings are of minimal importance compared to the feelings, moods, comfort, desires, whims, and pleasures of the one that I serve. I should be grateful and appreciative of any kindness shown to me, but I should never expect it because I do not deserve it.
-My ideal self is the form which is most pleasing to the one that I serve. I adapt as necessary in pursuit of the perfect state of being, which is being exactly what she needs at any time. Failing to meet her expectations makes me undeserving of her attention. I should welcome any corrective or preventative measures necessary to keep my behavior suited to her needs.
-I love the one that I serve with all of my being. She provides me with purpose and worth. She is kind enough to accept my meager offerings. She is my everything and I feel lucky that she has chosen me. I show my love and devotion in everything that I do and she is the focus of my thoughts and desires.
-If I do not comply with her desires, then I am undeserving of her attention. This is an ongoing state which requires constant vigilance.
This is the way that the world makes sense to me. This is the stability that keeps the craziness inside my head in check. This is the existence where I feel best about myself. This is the existence that I desire.
Over time when I write words like these I have come to know that people will see me as either completely undesirable or totally desirable. It's interesting how polarizing it is. "That's pathetic" vs. "I want that kind of devotion." Bracing for negative reaction makes it hard to put things out there this blatantly. In reality there is a lot more balancing and displaying more of my public self even if this is what resides at my core.
At some point in time I may heal up enough to have these feelings change. It hasn't happened yet and I'm not holding my breath. Until then I merely accept that this is how I am right now in this world.
It is strange how the words of the heart resonate so strongly... even if they defy logic and what we rationally understand to be true. If only being rational would chase away the demons. My choice was to exist with them and try to be the best that I could be in spite of them. As much as I try to heal, there are parts of the damage that feel beyond repair and it feels easier to work with it rather than against it.
These are some of the "truths" that I have been unable to break away from. Instead I embrace them and compensate for them. This is how D/s resonates with me so deeply. These are the feelings that I keep hidden from the world while I feign social competence on a regular basis.
-I have no inherent worth as a person. My value is derived by what I can provide for others and how I may benefit them. These benefits must be of such value that someone would accept a person like me over someone who does hold inherent worth. I must prove myself with love and obedience. The value of my service is the value of my self. My strengths as a person enhance the quality and capacity of my service.
-Because I lack worth, it is fine for me to be treated badly. It feels reasonable, justified, and natural. Being permitted to serve is the "reward" that I earn for my service. My feelings are of minimal importance compared to the feelings, moods, comfort, desires, whims, and pleasures of the one that I serve. I should be grateful and appreciative of any kindness shown to me, but I should never expect it because I do not deserve it.
-My ideal self is the form which is most pleasing to the one that I serve. I adapt as necessary in pursuit of the perfect state of being, which is being exactly what she needs at any time. Failing to meet her expectations makes me undeserving of her attention. I should welcome any corrective or preventative measures necessary to keep my behavior suited to her needs.
-I love the one that I serve with all of my being. She provides me with purpose and worth. She is kind enough to accept my meager offerings. She is my everything and I feel lucky that she has chosen me. I show my love and devotion in everything that I do and she is the focus of my thoughts and desires.
-If I do not comply with her desires, then I am undeserving of her attention. This is an ongoing state which requires constant vigilance.
This is the way that the world makes sense to me. This is the stability that keeps the craziness inside my head in check. This is the existence where I feel best about myself. This is the existence that I desire.
Over time when I write words like these I have come to know that people will see me as either completely undesirable or totally desirable. It's interesting how polarizing it is. "That's pathetic" vs. "I want that kind of devotion." Bracing for negative reaction makes it hard to put things out there this blatantly. In reality there is a lot more balancing and displaying more of my public self even if this is what resides at my core.
At some point in time I may heal up enough to have these feelings change. It hasn't happened yet and I'm not holding my breath. Until then I merely accept that this is how I am right now in this world.
Wednesday, August 2, 2017
Late Night Thoughts on submission
(I wrote this late last night but my internet went down)
To be honest, I'm not sure how much longer I will be blogging for. The vibe isn't there anymore. I love to read, write, and discuss ideas, but I don't feel like my ideas are applicable or representative anymore in today's environment.
As those who have been long-time readers know, I draw a lot of inspiration from outside sources. Reading other blogs. Discussion groups and forums. Random things. Comments. Emails. I've honestly been spending more time reading on Wordpress than on Blogger lately as it's just more active. I've also been reading a lot more F/m blogs and interacting with dominants and submissives of both genders in the past couple of months.
There are a number of recurring views that keep surfacing and they continue to throw me for a loop. Mostly because they feel very incomplete... or inaccurate... or both... or like a hybrid mish-mash of ideas out there. When it comes to Femdom there have always sort of been two roads to travel. The more common one when I was getting started was the consensual BDSM route and that path had the potential to evolve into 24/7 lifestyle D/s, TPE, and the like in its most extreme forms. The other path was what I see as the predecessor to the "current" use of the term FLR, namely from authors such as Elise Sutton, Georgeann Cross, Lady Misato, and the like (back when I first discovered this side of things the term FLR wasn't yet in use). For ease, I will refer to them as the BDSM path and the FLR path.
These schools of thought are quite different on a fundamental level. The BDSM path was focused on consent, informed decision-making, mutual pleasure, compatible fits, respecting negotiated limits, and the like. While things could and frequently would evolve into a much more intense state of D/s, this was known to be in the minority of Femdom relationships.
The FLR path was originally targeted at vanilla women. It frequently talked about using sexual control and manipulation techniques to "enslave" a male, correct and modify his behavior, "train" him to perform chores and service, and so on, without him even knowing it. Find out his secret desires and exploit them. Make him addicted to her and she can continuously dangle the carrot and steer him however she pleases. Do this long enough and he may be reduced to a life of servitude.
If you go back 10+ years, the BDSM crowd found this approach rather appalling. However, there has always been a shortage of available Dommes to single subs and the FLR approach was a much much much easier "sell" to a vanilla partner. If you have a vivid imagination you can probably picture Billy Mays shouting on an infomercial "Take control! He'll mow the lawn! He'll do the laundry! He'll pee sitting down! With just three easy steps you'll have him wrapped around your little finger and going down on you for hours on end!"
In a lot of ways this solved the confidence problem. It removed the notion of "I have to be a leather-clad dominatrix" and replaced it with "I do what I want." I don't see anything wrong with this. I think in a lot of ways that is how Femdom should be. It's really weird though because it feels like the worlds have merged but not in a clean way. The BDSM-path was always very big upon responsibility, looking out for a sub's well-being, and the like. There was an understanding of the sub's cycles, when aftercare was necessary, and their conflicting emotional states that would regularly arise. What I am gathering now is a trend in thinking of "a sub shouldn't need that." That turns my world upside down.
I would probably be able to groove with it more easily if not for the fact that most Femdom blogs I read that allude to this tend to be unhappy. In the not unhappy cases, when I read them I can picture Billy Mays shouting the words at me. All in all I tend to struggle to differentiate between "a sub shouldn't need that" and "I don't want to have to do that."
This leads me to the second half. Interacting with a number of subs lately I am finding a striking number of subs that claim to be submissive all the time. I'm like, wow, really? Back in the day they used to call those people doormats. It doesn't take long to realize after hearing them complain and talk about the things that they hate, all the limits that they have, how inflexible they are on certain things, and so on, that they aren't submissive all the time, they have just convinced themselves of that. Cue Billy Mays. I even find this happening a lot from brand new subs that discovered the lifestyle two weeks ago. "I don't need to learn anything because I love to please." Problem solved, guaranteed success. Yes, I'm vomiting sarcasm right now as I try to picture someone actually being submissive all the time. There are people that are neat freaks, those that like to stay busy, those that like to be helpful, useful, pleasing, and so on, but I don't equate those qualities as being submissive. To me, submissive means that you submit to the will of another. That is, you disempower yourself and allow someone else to hold power over you.
I am an opinionated son of a bitch. I rant and rave. I am passionate about a hell of a lot of things. I fight for what I believe in. I make sure to learn enough about something before trying to argue for (or against) it. I am fine stating it outright, I am not submissive all the time. I do not submit to just anyone. I believe my submission has value. When I submit I offer all of myself. I only submit to someone that is special and dear to my heart, that I trust, respect, and love deeply.
The twist comes in that this creates a dual persona. I have the version of myself that I show to the world, lean on in times of crisis, use for problem solving, and dealing with humanity in general. Then there is my submissive side: romantic, passionate, vulnerable, sensitive, devoted, and sincere. I guard this side of myself from the world. I show it only to someone that is very special to me.
The problem with duality is that it is one or the other. I am my alpha self OR I am my submissive self. While my alpha self may still exert politeness, courtesy, and manners, there is a distinct difference between choosing to do something and NEEDING to do something. To feel submissive is a need of mine. If it wasn't a need I would have abandoned it long ago because life is a lot more difficult this way. I consider my submissive side to be the best parts of me. While my alpha side may reluctantly go along with something, my submissive side is excited and eager to do the same thing.
It is a binary switch that is set to either alpha or sub.
For years I felt this was the common way about most male subs. We have one face we show in public and the submissive face we save for behind closed doors. One of the major flaws of this design is that the sub can't always control where the switch is set. While it's possible to pop into alpha mode as needed, it isn't always as easy to switch back into sub mode. Thankfully, dominance tends to work quite well for flipping the switch to sub mode. I always sort of felt that most people saw things this way.
I don't know. If not for a handful of people that have continued to dialog with me on these views I would probably feel like a stranger in a strange land.
Wanna buy some Mighty Putty?
Friday, July 21, 2017
It made sense upon reflection
A handful of discussions over the past couple of weeks as well as a blog post that got me thinking about my submission and how I have come to understand and explain it over the years.
Submission has become such a large part of who I am, what drives me, how I express love, how I accept love, and how I deal with the inner-workings of myself. There are so many reasons and so many needs and yearnings that it fills that I can't help but notice just how difference things appear when I explain what submission feels like vs. why I need it, why I submit, and so on.
Often when I write I allow the wave of feelings to overwhelm me and I simply let my heart bleed onto the keyboard, capturing the rush of impulses that warm my heart and focus my soul. The impulses lead to behaviors, habits, and natural inklings that encompass who I am when I love someone.
On the other hand, when I look to the course of my life and trace the paths that brought me here, the end results are cold and clinical. Logic and rational thought lead to outcomes that aren't poetic or romantic, but functional.
I do _______ because I need to feel ________. I need to feel _______ because _______ happened and screwed me up.
It feels so different from how things feel in the moment that I have to wonder if I am simply making up reasons so that I feel less strange.... less different... less awkward. Are reasons, absent of feelings, accurate reasons? If there is no motive behind the reasons, do they ever dictate actions?
I don't really know why I'm thinking about this. It isn't something that I ever really questioned before. A couple of weeks ago during an unrelated conversation with a friend I spoke the words: "You can explain it and find the reasons in it, but the fact that it happened doesn't make sense."
At the time, we were actually having a conversation about the failure of restaurants on the side of the metro area that we live in, but I couldn't help returning to those words when answering the simple question, "why do you submit?"
All of the logical reasoning has helped me find peace in my "vanilla mind" with my choice to live as a submissive... but I definitely have to consider that I just really, really, really love adoring the one that I love and my pursuit of making her ultimately happy makes me happy.
As I spin these words in my head I now remember why I have spent so much time in rational analysis... and that is that the love/happiness angle aren't good enough reasons for most people to accept. Do I really need to justify myself to others? No, but it does make things easier when people support your decisions because you could give a compelling explanation instead of having them treat you like you got overly drunk and woke up with a stupid tattoo.
Submission has become such a large part of who I am, what drives me, how I express love, how I accept love, and how I deal with the inner-workings of myself. There are so many reasons and so many needs and yearnings that it fills that I can't help but notice just how difference things appear when I explain what submission feels like vs. why I need it, why I submit, and so on.
Often when I write I allow the wave of feelings to overwhelm me and I simply let my heart bleed onto the keyboard, capturing the rush of impulses that warm my heart and focus my soul. The impulses lead to behaviors, habits, and natural inklings that encompass who I am when I love someone.
On the other hand, when I look to the course of my life and trace the paths that brought me here, the end results are cold and clinical. Logic and rational thought lead to outcomes that aren't poetic or romantic, but functional.
I do _______ because I need to feel ________. I need to feel _______ because _______ happened and screwed me up.
It feels so different from how things feel in the moment that I have to wonder if I am simply making up reasons so that I feel less strange.... less different... less awkward. Are reasons, absent of feelings, accurate reasons? If there is no motive behind the reasons, do they ever dictate actions?
I don't really know why I'm thinking about this. It isn't something that I ever really questioned before. A couple of weeks ago during an unrelated conversation with a friend I spoke the words: "You can explain it and find the reasons in it, but the fact that it happened doesn't make sense."
At the time, we were actually having a conversation about the failure of restaurants on the side of the metro area that we live in, but I couldn't help returning to those words when answering the simple question, "why do you submit?"
All of the logical reasoning has helped me find peace in my "vanilla mind" with my choice to live as a submissive... but I definitely have to consider that I just really, really, really love adoring the one that I love and my pursuit of making her ultimately happy makes me happy.
As I spin these words in my head I now remember why I have spent so much time in rational analysis... and that is that the love/happiness angle aren't good enough reasons for most people to accept. Do I really need to justify myself to others? No, but it does make things easier when people support your decisions because you could give a compelling explanation instead of having them treat you like you got overly drunk and woke up with a stupid tattoo.
Sunday, July 9, 2017
I love you so much that I ______.
I know that not all D/s practitioners are in loving relationships but many of us are. I believe that submission encapsulates a large number of things, some of which match our desires completely and others which may carry a series of conditions or some reluctance and hesitation.
I have come across and experienced varying points of view on these subjects from both the Dominant and submissive sides and these ideas mesh better in some instances than in others.
The willing is always the easiest.
I love you so much that I will dedicate my existence to your happiness.
I love you so much that I will do everything in my power to please you.
I love you so much that I will ______ to ______.
A lot of basic compatibility resides on this level. Ideally, the submissive wants to give the things that the dominant wants to receive.
The conditionals get a bit more complicated.
I love you so much that I would be willing to ______ to ______.
This wording has the ability to change the perceptions of the promised or desired act. For a submissive, this wording generally implies some proof of devotion, love, or sacrifice.
I love you so much that I would be willing to be put in chastity to make you happy.
This translates into: I do not want to be put into chastity, but I would make that sacrifice if you desire it. To take something less fetish-related: I love you so much that I would be willing to give up poker night with the guys to stay by your side.
I have seen some rather polarizing reactions from dominants on this sort of statement. Well, I have seen polarizing reactions in vanilla relationships as well.
Positive: This is a romantic gesture.
Negative: You don't really want to do it, so this is impure.
(Not to stereotype but many of you may have witnessed this first hand when someone asks their boyfriend/husband if they want to go to the craft store for scrap-booking supplies.)
It seems that many of the conditionals that end up with differing responses are often on mild to medium topics and are often a reflection of personality rather than something greater.
When getting into more important conditionals people tend to be a lot better with accepting reluctance or hesitation.
I love you so much that I would be willing to give up financial control if _______.
Requiring trust, a committed long-term relationship, a history of sound decision-making for the good of the relationship, and so on is seen as wise and prudent.
Just some random thoughts.
I have come across and experienced varying points of view on these subjects from both the Dominant and submissive sides and these ideas mesh better in some instances than in others.
The willing is always the easiest.
I love you so much that I will dedicate my existence to your happiness.
I love you so much that I will do everything in my power to please you.
I love you so much that I will ______ to ______.
A lot of basic compatibility resides on this level. Ideally, the submissive wants to give the things that the dominant wants to receive.
The conditionals get a bit more complicated.
I love you so much that I would be willing to ______ to ______.
This wording has the ability to change the perceptions of the promised or desired act. For a submissive, this wording generally implies some proof of devotion, love, or sacrifice.
I love you so much that I would be willing to be put in chastity to make you happy.
This translates into: I do not want to be put into chastity, but I would make that sacrifice if you desire it. To take something less fetish-related: I love you so much that I would be willing to give up poker night with the guys to stay by your side.
I have seen some rather polarizing reactions from dominants on this sort of statement. Well, I have seen polarizing reactions in vanilla relationships as well.
Positive: This is a romantic gesture.
Negative: You don't really want to do it, so this is impure.
(Not to stereotype but many of you may have witnessed this first hand when someone asks their boyfriend/husband if they want to go to the craft store for scrap-booking supplies.)
It seems that many of the conditionals that end up with differing responses are often on mild to medium topics and are often a reflection of personality rather than something greater.
When getting into more important conditionals people tend to be a lot better with accepting reluctance or hesitation.
I love you so much that I would be willing to give up financial control if _______.
Requiring trust, a committed long-term relationship, a history of sound decision-making for the good of the relationship, and so on is seen as wise and prudent.
Just some random thoughts.
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