Friday, October 13, 2017

Thoughts on Sub-Frenzy

A week or two ago I was having a discussion in a chat group and I don't even recall the topic.  I just remember having the "group think" turning noticeably one-sided (and ignoring say, 60%+ of what exists out there) on a topic that was meant to be a general discussion for D/s of all walks.

In an attempt to steer things to maintain open-mindedness and awareness that dynamics exist out there that aren't long-distance internet-based M/f or DDlg, I remember injecting sub-frenzy as a counter example into the discussion.  No one had heard of it.  When I began to explain it I was immediately insulted and told that anyone who experiences frenzy is pathetic and a total loser.  I left the group shortly after that even though I had been a part of it for well over a year.

As I was thinking about topics to write today I began to think about the huge number of blogs I have read, both recently and in the past, about subs that struggle when the dynamics in their lives begin to wane.  This is frequently followed by a series of posts describing an escalating state of desperation, disappointment, and frustration or depression.

For those who aren't familiar with sub-frenzy as a term, I will do my best to describe it.  Sub-frenzy is a state that a submissive reaches when they have been unable to to have their submissive needs met for a prolonged period of time.  Submissive mental space releases a set of brain chemicals that subs often become dependent upon to feel good.  Post-play endorphin and adrenaline highs for masochists also serve a similar role. As with any form of dependence, this can grow addictive, and in its absence, addict-like behaviors are a natural result.  Subs that are mired in sexual frustration without release are more susceptible to experience this quite strongly.

For a sub, this often starts by "feeling off."  I'm sure at some point you have just felt... not bad, but not good.  Your head feels awkward.  Thoughts seem cloudy.  You struggle with articulating what is wrong.  "I just feel off today."  Have you ever felt this way?  If so, this is the first sign of withdrawl.

If the sub's needs continue to go unmet (and this may only take a couple of days), the ache starts.  There's that nagging feeling.  A desire to feel submissive.  A desire to feel release.  You no longer feel uncertain, now you feel certain as the dull ache begins to erode away at you.  You can try and steer your thoughts away but the mind inevitably returns: you want your fix.  The problem is, whatever was going on in life that let you reach this point may or may not have cleared up.  Your dominant is stressed, distant, or unavailable.  You know it's unavoidable and you don't want to make them feel bad or guilty about it, so you start dropping hints or making a greater effort to cater to their dominance.  Attempting to display a lot of affection or seduction is common as well as trying to make them feel loved and valued.  The idea of voicing your needs directly makes you feel needy in a bad way.  If they don't respond to your advances the ache becomes a sting and may carry feelings of being rejected.

As things continue, the ache becomes a throb.  You need this.  It hurts.  This is the full force of the addiction.  As your attempts to coerce dominance failed, you don't wish to try again.  The idea of sharing your needs directly becomes even more daunting.  You feel neurotic and high strung.  You may deal with this in one or more of a variety of ways.  You might withdraw, hoping they will notice that something isn't right.  You might act out, hoping they will notice that something isn't right.  You might start scouring the internet for porn, erotica, or social media interactions that will help you live vicariously and obtain your fix that way.  God, it feels needy.  By now, your judgment and decision-making skills may have slipped quite a bit.  Your usual outward thoughts are now focused inward and selfish.  Why can't they see that I am hurting?  Why can't they see that I need this?  You become an ugly version of yourself and if/when you recognize it, your emotions completely crash and you feel awful about yourself.  This is when the sub depression starts.

The amount of time it takes to reach its early to advanced stages varies greatly from person to person.  For some it may take months but others may progress through it in a matter of days.

Hopefully, you have never had to experience this.  If you have, hopefully it was only early on before you and your partner learned how to communicate early rather than late and how to be straight forward about your needs to ensure they are met.  If you have and still currently experience this, I feel for you.  People in long-distance relationships probably know this process VERY well.

Sub frenzy is even harder on single subs.  If you have been single for an extended period of time, you probably have felt this to some degree.  If you are one of those lucky few that have always had a partner but have been active in a local community or even made kink-oriented friendships through some form of social media there is a good chance you have known a single sub that seems like they are a bit of a mess.  Their moods fluctuate up and down.  Any fix they get makes them walk on clouds but denied it for a time and they flounder badly.  In its absence they become obsessed with finding it.  With prolonged absence and they may appear dangerously depressed.  It can be hard to watch.

In its advanced stages their moods may start to swing wildly between excited motivation and total despair.  Their decision-making may start to grow dangerous.  e.g. "I've got a play-date with some random stranger I met on the internet that won't give me their phone number.  It's okay though, I'm just supposed to meet them alone at the park at 9pm.  They told me to look for the windowless van.  I'm so excited!"

You will also see subs who normally just fantasize about submission getting enough courage to try to make it happen.  This happens a lot with submissive men but it can happen to both genders.  Newbies will often begin to harass dominants and attempt to project and force their personal fetishes upon them.  People with experience may begin to lie out their ass and try to present themselves as the absolutely perfect sub.  You will see subs who finally get some attention and this is enough to "get their fix" so when it actually becomes time to put up or shut up they chicken out and ghost on the dominant.  Others may resort to paying for the service.

It's part of the addiction.  It can be ugly.  It happens more than people would like to admit.  Because it's out there, I think it's better for it to be talked about and for people to be aware of it.  I understand that most people don't want to admit that they go through sub frenzy, but I think it makes life a lot easier if all parties are aware of it.

I can say first-hand that this is something I have experienced many times over.  I'm not the only one.  It sucks.  I think many of us have that in common. 

Thursday, October 12, 2017

Thoughts on Pegging

To be honest, pegging scares the hell out of me.  It makes me cringe.  It makes me squirm.  It makes every nerve in my body go active and I want to run away.  Anything near my hole has me cringing, screaming, and struggling.  It seriously terrifies me.

Anal penetration was a hard limit of mine for years.  Years.  It was up there with "nothing illegal" and "no scat."  It took a desperate series of events for me to relax this limit.  It was a last ditch effort to save what was broken.  I felt inadequate and like I had to be more.  I wanted to be able to be everything.

There are times when I wonder if I have some deeply repressed memory that I haven't managed to locate that would explain my body's reaction.  It reacts like PTSD.  Like there was trauma.
The first time I allowed myself to be penetrated, I didn't care about topping from the bottom.  I knew she wanted it and I prepared myself with what would have to be done.  When we talked about it, I explained it.  I must be absolutely restrained with locks, chains, and a spreader bar.  I must have no means to be able to close my legs or interfere with my hands.  I must be gagged.  My predictions were correct.  I fought.  I fought hard.  I shrieked and screamed into the ball gag.  I tugged and tussled and even tried to flip over.  I sobbed and wailed.  I trembled to my core.

I just wanted to get away.  Anywhere but here.  Anything else but this.  My worst fear was happening.

She was gentle.  It didn't matter.  I hated it.  I wanted it to stop.  I just wanted to get away.

When it was all over, I laid there, a sobbing, broken, and crumpled mess.  She unlocked my restraints and held me tight.  I sobbed and sobbed, unable to speak.  I was broken.  I was defiled.  I was nothing.  I was an empty shell.  I was her submissive.
We did it several more times after that.  Each time setting up the intricate system of chains and locks that rendered me completely helpless.  Each time she gagged me tight.  Each time I felt myself react and break as she penetrated me.  I cried every time.  It never got easier.  My body still thrashed as I shrieked into the rubber ball.  I was the same mess in its aftermath... every time.

Beforehand, we had a ritual that would get me mentally prepared.  The process was to diminish me.  Lower my worth.  Lower my status.  Reinforce my purpose.  I was to be her hole to be used.  She would dress me like a sissy whore.  I was to be locked in chastity to make sure there was nothing sexually pleasurable about it.  Sometimes she would blindfold me.  Sometimes she would fill my ears with cotton and earplugs.  I was just a hole to be used.

When I was trussed up and in position she would leave the room and change into the clothes that made her feel the sexiest.  She would make me wait.  I would stew in my restraints, having my terror build as the time would pass.  When she would arrive she would beat me while scolding me and informing me... that I was just a hole to be used.

After a month of so, something happened that began to terrify me.  I would get an erection when I would think about it or when we would talk about it.  I began to draw pegging scenes.  I began to crave the darkness of the feelings that would overwhelm me when I broke.

It still feels very confusing.  I can rationalize what aspects of it that I want.  I am not comfortable verbalizing the desire.  I like to feel broken.  It brings about my purest form of service.  I exist... solely for her.  Pegging serves as the key.  I feel fucked up.

Wednesday, October 11, 2017

Returning to Earth

I've been pretty damn emo with some of my posts lately.  While it might seem like wanton gut-spilling, I'm actually finding that it is helping me to solidify my understanding of what is going on inside. 

When analyzing myself I've always believed in brutal honesty.  Even if it is unpleasant and hurts, I've never felt there was a point to it unless I lay it out there as objectively as possible.  If I'm going to learn anything from it, I have to be willing to face the worst and most shameful parts of myself. 

I'm going to try to dial it back a bit on that front, but I am feeling like I am in a better place with what I've been digging through.  Often the thoughts are fleeting and it felt beneficial to organize them all in one place and commit them to the written word.

Thank you for reading.

Tuesday, October 10, 2017

What would they think?

I have to say that I am having some very excellent conversations with others via comments both on my blog and on theirs.  This is the part that I love so much about blogging and the blog community. I have recently had a couple of recurring themes popping up that relate to some of my more recent posts.  A lot of it focuses around shame and self-acceptance.

It took me years before I spilled my guts on my sexuality during adolescence.  In case it got lost on anyone, I will spell it out right here (and yes, I am blushing).

I have never had an orgasm outside of a Femdom context.  My earliest masturbation habits always involved being dominated by a woman (I was probably 11-12).  I cannot get an erection to "standard" things like porn and naked women.

For the entirety of my life I have been haunted by one big question:  What would they think? 

What would women think if they knew about me?  What would they think if they knew what got me off?  If they knew the extent of my perversions?

I know that nearly everyone who is involved in kink has probably had thoughts or doubts that are similar to these.  However, most people that I know who are involved in kink have a couple of key characteristics for them to fall back on:
  1. The majority of them can still achieve climax and arousal by "standard" means, e.g. vanilla sex.
  2. The majority of them did not have to worry about these fears until after they reached adulthood.  18+, 21+, whatever.  Most people don't get into kink until it is legal to be into kink and people with sexual experience are more likely to experiment.
Basically, they can still pass themselves as "normal," even if they find a vanilla life unfulfilling.  They can fake it.  Also, for many, they weren't plagued with all sorts of confusion about their sexuality.  They wanted to fondle breasts.  They wanted to fuck.  They wanted to get/give oral.

Society told me I wanted those things.  The "guys" talked like everyone needed to want those things.  I wanted to be tied up and kept as her pet.  I hid this.  I tried to bury it.  I always lost.  It always won.  I would jerk off and hate myself for it.  I would jerk off and want to cry at how fucked up I was.  While I wanted to be loved, I was terrified at revealing my true self.  I was terrified that I would be rejected.  I was terrified that they would tell everyone else and no one would want me.  I was absolutely convinced that it would lead to abandonment.  Not a great fear for someone who was put up for adoption.

As much as I wanted love, the thought of being unable to perform scared the living hell out of me.  It bothered me that I didn't get an erection the first time I held hands with and embraced a girl.  It bothered me that I didn't get an erection the first time I kissed a girl.  It bothered me that I needed to picture her straddling me while I was bound and helpless to get aroused.  It bothered me that if a girl in a fur-trimmed coat gave me a hug and it brushed my cheek that I immediately got an erection and pictured her straddling me while I was bound and helpless.

What would they think of me if they knew the true me?  This thought was always present in the back of my mind from age 13 to 24, and still lingers in some deep part of my soul.

I have a pretty good read of people.  I have known people from all walks, all backgrounds, that were of varying race, religion, and sexuality.  My educational background in college had me studying many different fields with a sound understanding of demographics.  Getting to know people on a personal level (while hiding my secret) allowed me to understand a lot of how people tick.

While everyone is unique, people also have a lot of similarities.  When you look at populations you start to see trends with historical evidence to back them up.  People fear and shun what is different.  People are made uncomfortable by concepts that are unfamiliar to them.  When confronted with something that makes them uncomfortable, they will fall back on ingrained personal principles to cope with it.  Not all of these principles are kind, accepting, or tolerant.

What would they think of me if they knew the real me?  Well, if we took a random assortment of 10 vanilla women +/- 5 years of me, I'm pretty certain that at least 2-3 of them would be offended my existence.  I would be a blight of society and a symbol of the failings of religion and public education.  I would be the person that wasn't missed if the gestapo came and dragged me away.

There would probably be 1-2 that were intrigued.  These are the types that enjoy being the beard to a gay male.  Because I am straight, they would likely poke and prod a bit, possibly being a little bit playful, but altogether, having a secret pervert for a friend does not provide the same novelty. In most cases they would keep their distance, never being overtly rude, but placing a glass ceiling on how close we would get as friends.  They might even go out of their way to make sure they did not cater to my fetish set in any way.  The idea that I would be attracted to them would make them uncomfortable in a bad way.  As much as they might enjoy my uniqueness, I mostly provide value as an "I know this guy that's into ______," story to impress others.

That leaves 5-7 others.  The middle ground is always the hardest because these people will struggle as their idealized ethics and morality will conflict with their actual thoughts.  They might want to know why.  They might be curious about basics.  They want to be open-minded, so overt rudeness is unlikely.  "To each their own."  "Whatever makes you happy."  "Whatever floats your boat."  The niceties are code words for, "you make me uncomfortable, but I am determined to remain polite."
 If they brave to know more beyond their comfort zone, that is where the reactions can't be hidden so easily.  Gasps.  Gum smacking.  Smirks.  Frowning head shakes.  These mannerisms tell the story, they are judging me.  The interactions will devolve from here.  The barriers will go up as they process.  Most likely they will have no interest in interacting ever again but they will have an "oh my God, I met this freak" story to tell their closest friends over drinks.

The process will vary a lot within these.  The battle going on will be of varying degrees.  There will be some sympathy, but how much is shown will depend upon how foreign I am to them.  If one of them had a gay uncle they were close with that was ostracized by the family when he came out and eventually committed suicide, they will likely express this sympathy.   If 95% of the people they have interacted with at length were the same race, religion, and economic background, there is a greater chance they will lean to hidden disgust.

For someone to accept me, a sample size of 10 is probably too small.  60 might find someone who would actually feel comfortable engaging me on a personal and friendly level.

I'm certain that someone has rolled their eyes by now and are thinking "dude, you're so full of shit, you can't cram people into a box like that and treat generalizations like they are fact."  I won't argue with that, but I would counter that I'm not trying to say all of this is true, it is merely how my brain perceives it being true to me.  Yes, I am a 10th degree black belt at twisting semantics to justify flawed logic in a manner that fits the broken way that my heart perceives my place in this world.

Something I haven't really written about in detail is that I have outed myself as a submissive to at least 20 vanilla friends.  21 actually if I count them all.  17 were women, 4 were men.  I have 3 friends left:  2 men, 1 woman.  With the majority of them I only grazed the surface.  Some principles about D/s and the like.  I have watched people shift their perception of me on a dime.  I have watched them fade away because they had no interest in being a part of my life after that.  While I may have made up some numbers for this example, the truth of it is that they are based upon my experiences. 

I am a subscriber to Cooley's theory of the looking-glass self.  My perceptions were formed by where I fit and how others have acted/reacted to me.  This is the source of my inherent shame.

What would they think of me?  I painfully know the answer to that.

When I get teased, I feel the truth shining through.  I feel shame because I am shameful.  I feel like if I try to believe a different perspective that I will simply be lying to myself.  Instead, I accept it as truth.  When I feel someone being that honest with me, I feel warm inside.  It means they see the real me, the true me, and they do not reject me.

My means of coping with this is that really, I only need one person on the planet to accept all of me.  I value her honesty and do not mind if she uses it to control me.  She becomes the only one that I need.  She is my savior.  She is the one I have been searching for.  I will love her with my all.  She is the beautiful and amazing Goddess that sees a shameful wretch like me and understands what I can become.  This is the blissful existence I long for. 

Is that wrong? 

Fantasy Drawing #1 2017


I completed my first fantasy drawing since 2012.  I'm rusty and out of practice (not that I was ever particularly good at drawing before the hiatus), so I skimped a bit on detail and shading in favor of getting it done as I had envisioned it.

This easily could be a scene from fs01... and wanted to sort of roll with that vibe a bit.  It has a lot of the normal stuff I draw in it as well as a return of the framed mantras.  I thought about going with some dialogue but decided to let the picture tell the story.

I hope you enjoy it.

Sunday, October 8, 2017

Odd Blogger Stats

I can't help but feel like interest in this blog is fading away.  My traffic on WP is growing steadily.  My traffic here on blogger absolutely crashed in 2016.  I don't know if you remember when Chrome announced they would be blocking sites that didn't have https, but after I enabled https on this site, my traffic cut in half.  I can understand traffic taking a dip when I stop writing for a period of time, but traffic when I am writing regularly is actually lower than that span where I made like 6 blog posts in 3+ years.  I'm trying to get to the bottom of it, but my best guess is because this blog is pretty much invisible to google.

You'll find me on yahoo, bing, and the like quite easily.  Google requires some very specific search terms or it just isn't there. e.g. there was a time if you searched for "fur sissy humiliation" I would be the first 20 results and first 40 pictures.  Now I don't even show up.  Sort of a bummer.

It does sort of bother me, but not enough to the point where I will quit writing.

Forced Masculinization

Over the years I have often found it difficult when trying to discuss the concepts of forced feminization and related humiliation with women.  It is a topic that can be difficult for them to empathize with because there isn't really an apples to apples comparison that they can envision.  Forced masculinization is something I had touched on jokingly in years past but I had never really taken it seriously enough to explore it.  Some comments on one of Domina Jen's recent posts got me thinking about it more over the past week or so.  While it doesn't provide a comparison, I think it does provide some insights.

I will write about this as if it actually exists... even though it doesn't.

Forced masculinization is when a dominant controls the physical appearance a female submissive.  There are frequent rules governing the appearance of the sub, intending to strip her of her femininity and make her appear with more male/masculine characteristics.

Some common rules:
  • The sub is not permitted to wear panties, briefs, or thongs. The sub may only wear boxers or boxer briefs.
  • The sub must keep her hair cut short with the permitted length determined by the dominant.
  • The sub must always wear a sports bra or similarly restrictive undergarment to limit breast prominence.
  • The sub is not permitted to wear skirts or dresses.  The sub may only wear pants or appropriate length shorts.
  • The sub is not permitted to wear makeup or paint their nails.  Nails must be kept trimmed short.
  • The sub is not permitted to shave their leg or armpit hair.
  • The sub is not permitted to wear high-heeled shoes or boots.  
  • The sub must refer to their clitoris as their "butch dickie."
Some common applications:
  • Frequently a dominant to dress their masculinized sub in a tuxedo and force them to serve as a butler. 
  • Some dominants will take their sub out to popular male clothing stores and with assistance in their fitting by a sales associate, with the obvious intent that the clothes are meant for her.
  • Some dominants will show off their masculinized sub to their dominant friends, encouraging them to make comments about how handsome she looks.
  • Some dominants will force their sub to engage in bisexual activities, frequently ordering them to go down on another woman.
  • It is common for a dominant to call their sub by a masculine form of their name.  e.g. Erika becomes Erik, Stephanie becomes Stephen, Alexis becomes Alex, and so on. 
  • Some dominants will limit the sub's permissible physical contact to firm handshakes, high-fives, fist bumps, and bro hugs. 
If you are like me, you have read this and found the idea relatively amusing.  I went to a small liberal arts college for a couple of years and the rules above described at least 25% of the female student population (who were doing it by choice).  Aside from the possibility of forced oral, I have to wager that most women would not be horribly humiliated by this.  They might not LIKE it, but if they were taken out for a day in a highly populated area, they wouldn't end up in tears or blushing so profusely that functioning would be a struggle.  They also wouldn't have to be afraid of the threat of physical violence if they encountered a "gang" of women hanging out.

I do have a feeling that many women would dislike being masculinized.  One aspect is that some women have a lot of their confidence tied to their physical appearance and feeling attractive.  This would probably take away some confidence by making them less attractive.  Another aspect, and probably the more important one, is the concept of choice.  If a woman chooses to skip on make-up, skip shaving, sport a low-maintenance haircut, and go with pants, a sweatshirt, and flat shoes for the day, that is her choice to do so.  By requiring that, the freedom of choice vanishes and it makes the same options less appealing when you feel trapped by them.  If a woman were to gain submissive feelings from such an arrangement, I would have to believe it is mostly because of the removal of choice and the control it symbolizes. 

(This differs a bit for men and forced feminization.  Domina Jen recently wrote about how a man's masculinity plays heavily into their identity so stripping them of it will often feel humiliating and degrading.  I agree although I would add that if you are male and were raised with frequent exposure to your peer group, developing this identity becomes almost a necessary part of your survival during formative years and often taints how we see ourselves as adults.  On the second front, I believe that freedom of choice also plays a very large part in this.)

So why don't people choose to do this?  I have known male dominants, heterosexual female dominants that take on women subs, bisexual female dominants, and lesbian female dominants and none of them that I have known have ever chosen to engage in this activity.  One aspect is that it doesn't induce the same level of shame as it does when feminizing a male, so a dominant wishing to humiliate their sub can find more effective ways to do so.  Another aspect is that I have never met a woman that had this for a fetish.  While I have met a good number who have had forced bi fantasies, they didn't involve any gender reversal on their part.  I have also yet to meet a submissive woman with a "butch butler" fantasy.  The absence of the fantasy makes it less likely to happen.

The last reason I can think of is the differences in what people find attractive across the genders.  Men and frequently women, tend to find the female form to be visually appealing.  In the lifestyle you are more likely to find dominants having their subs dress (or not dress) in ways that they find MORE appealing, and not less appealing.

By contrast, when you see photos or accounts posted of feminized males, there tend to be two types.  1. Slender and soft featured men that can be quite passable as a woman.  2.  The hairy and sometimes overweight older guy that looks pretty awful en femme.  In general, you don't see the chiseled and handsome Adonis of a man decked out in a maid's dress.  Women tend to be attracted to different things, but it seems that feminization seems to be most common in situations where it either makes the male look more pretty or completely terrible.  When completely terrible is the choice I have to believe this provides an amusement factor that provides the motivation for doing so.  I could be wrong here, but this is what I have gathered over the years.

Unfortunately this example doesn't really give any insight into curious women as to the humiliation of men that are feminized.  The control/forced aspects probably appeal to submission for both sides, but little beyond that.

In general, when I have tried to explain a scenario that a submissive woman could picture with similar levels of embarrassment to a feminized male, the best example I could come up with (assuming that the woman generally dresses in an "ordinary" way) is to dress like how they would picture a street-walking hooker (not an upscale Charlie Sheen-catering hooker), or like a total bimbette.  This frequently gives "enough" insight into what it would be like, but it still doesn't cover the entire spectrum of emotions.

I'm open to input on the subject if anyone has any ideas that contrast, conflict, or elaborate upon mine.

Writing Mania

When I average more than a post a day for an extended period of time I think it's pretty safe to say that I'm in a mania.  It is part of my depression cycle but I honestly don't mind the absurdly motivated state that I get into with this phase. 

The downside of it is that I get hooked by the attention.  I love hearing from people and interacting with them.  The more comments I receive, the more I want to write.  When I start banging away on a keyboard I can usually make posts take shape fairly quickly.  The downside is that I inevitably will run out of topics that are meaningful to me right now and start rehashing things over and over again.

While my Wordpress blog is fairly new so it probably isn't as big of a factor there, it probably gets a bit stale for the veteran readers on Blogger.  I also worry that I may be likely to "chase reactions" by choosing topics and views that are most likely to flow with the "tone" of the feedback that I do get. 

It's not that what I write about aren't things I am interested in... it's just that there's an obvious difference in quality and a fresher point of view when it is something that currently relates to my current feelings and experiences. 

I don't know, I guess I just feel like I'm getting a little bit crazy and I'm having trouble differentiating if what I have been writing is good and interesting or not or if I am merely writing to hear from people.  I'm also wondering if this is a bad thing.  I feel better when I write than when I don't.

Historically, when I slip off the deep end someone usually scolds me and I crash back to reality.

That being said, if anyone has any questions or topics they would like me to write about, I'm always looking for ideas.