Saturday, May 21, 2016

Billions Part 2

I finished up season 1 of Billions today.  Decently entertaining show.

I wrote a little bit about Eps 1-5 the other day.  After finishing episodes 6-12 there were only about 1-2 very brief Femdom scenes during the second half as well as the answers to some of the questions I had in relation to this.  If I had to give an overall view on this in the show, the Femdom was more about a male sub who needs it to hold himself together more than a woman enjoying being in the dominant role.  All in all, the Femdom totaled maybe 12-15 minutes of screen time across 12 episodes. 

Again, trying to go without any spoilers...

The ego-driven pissing matches between men got a little bit frustrating.  Watching some of the men self-destruct in such a way is probably why I'm pro-Female Supremacy. 

On the other hand, the show has several extremely strong female characters.  They are less concerned with posturing and more concerned with just getting done what needs to be done.  I'm not sure if this was intentional or not, but it's almost like just about every male is a dirt bag, and the women just do their thing (very well) while trying to hold things together.

I still enjoyed the Wendy character very much.  Watching her balance her own feelings with what she has to do in any given moment is enjoyable to watch. 

I will add that I don't think the things above affect being able to enjoy a show or not, I think I was just noticed them a lot since I went into it searching for the D/s connections.

Approaching some milestones

I'm approaching a blog milestone soon... what will be my 500th post.

It has been an interesting ride.  I wish that I had been more consistent with things, but I guess I can't really help my feelings and my ability or lack of to get them under control.  I have met some interesting people over the years through this blog including a local couple that we became friends with.  Many are gone now, but it still feels good to write.

Following Lady Grey's post I noticed a considerable uptick in my blog traffic in the 3-5 days surrounding that.  I even managed to break 1000 views for the first time since probably 2013.  It felt good to know people are stopping by, even if only in passing.  I'm sure at least a handful wandered in, said "WTF is this sissy pink shit?" and left, but that is okay too.

I then clicked on the "All Time" stats and it was a bit of a surprise.  Apparently from late 2010 to early 2013 I was getting 20-40k hits per day, but that's when I was still drawing regularly.  I doubt I could ever get back to that even if I resumed drawing, too much has changed since then and blogs feel almost like pagers... with social media replacing blogs like the cell phone revolution.

I still like blogs.  I don't even know if I could express myself with 120 characters, nor could I replace sharing my appreciation and feelings for a post with a "like" and no comments.

There is a freedom to anonymity.  It feels rewarding to bond with souls who utilize this anonymity as an outlet and a connection when it is not possible in the real world.  It's easy in this world to feel isolated and solitary.  I cherish the bonds I have made.

Ever since writing my reflections posts, it seems to have calmed some of the storm that I keep buried inside me.  To be able to unleash the truth and face it head on... was difficult.  I was very uncertain when I got there and it really took me about a week to recover from the emotional wounds that had never healed being forced back to the surface.  I do think I can finally look back and remember the good without getting hung up on the bad.

To everyone out there that reads my blog, thank you so much for being there.
To the few I have met that have grown special to me over the years, it means the world to me and I hope to be a better and more consistent person from here on out.

The next milestone will probably be hit # 1,000,000, but at the current rate, that may take about 2 years :D

p.s. The 500th post will probably be a picture, but if I end up going on another post run, it may be a little bit past that.

Friday, May 20, 2016

Fairness and The "Value" of Femdom - my Crazy Brain's Fun with Numbers

At times I feel like I'm being torn in many different directions in my head.  When I've taken personality tests I always end up as some weird inconclusive hybrid, having two opposites vying for the lead, or end up falling directly on dividing lines that are supposed to separate different types.

My rational, logical, strong side is what I generally show to the outside world.
My sensitive, intuitive, feeling side is what I save for those special to me.

I don't know if either one is better, but each have strengths and weaknesses.  When looking at the benefits of the D/s lifestyle I try to take the broad and long view as well as the benefits for individual parties involved.  Thankfully, the different aspects of myself come to the same conclusion, but for different reasons.  In the end, having both perspectives tends to provide more "evidence" for that conclusion than just one reason or the other.

Blogging about D/s pulls me in different directions as well.  I write from several different voices.  There's the unbiased educator, the female supremacist, the dedicated lover, the male submissive, and the fetish-laden sissy slave.  I still always end up coming to the same conclusions, just for different reasons.

A blog I recently started reading had a good discussion about fairness in FLR's and how they were inherently unfair to subs.  From an emotional and psychological standpoint, I don't think there's anything wrong with this at all since it meets the needs and desires of both parties, even if the process of meeting needs seems tilted in the Domme's favor.  This could be explained rationally as well, but if delving into the realm of cold, hard, numbers, I'm taking it for a deeper test-drive.

Working from a rational point of view, fairness in "who does the work" vs. "who reaps the benefit" is only really applicable here if the "value" provided by each side were of equal value. Making a case for each side then becomes a question of attempting to place a value on the services rendered by Domme and sub.  Love is priceless, and will not be counted in this measure.

The sub:
Assuming a Domme uses a sub as a houseboy, being in charge of chores, domestic duties, outdoor labor, sexual pleasure, chauffeur, and an amateur masseuse/pedicurist/etc.

Unless the sub has had professional level training in a specific field, they are pretty much a jack of all trades, master of none.  This also assumes that there will be a balance of services that are worth more than and less than minimum wage, e.g. landscaping pays more than minimum wage, folding laundry and putting it away, not so much.  It's also tough to put a figure on something that is worth more, since they won't be doing it for 40+ hours a week.  Essentially, a sub become a handy-man, and you can estimate his services to be worth minimum wage, currently $7.25 an hour.  Put up an ad for a live-in handyman to perform tasks in a Femdom environment for salaried minimum wage, and there would be no shortage of applicants willing to do so.

Since a replacement sub could be hired for that amount, for all intents and purposes, a 24-7 sub's services can be valued at approximately:
$7.25 an hour
$290 weekly
$1257 avg per month
$15,080 yearly

The value of a sub's sexual contributions: $0.  Women don't have to pay for sex if they want it.

The Domme:
Domination, on the other hand, is quite expensive.  The average pro Dominatrix makes $200-300 an hour, with more skilled/renowned ones making even more.  For this example, I will round down to $200 an hour.

At this rate, it takes 1 hour and 27 minutes of domination play per week for the value of a Domme's services to equal that of a sub's.

Looking at the broader perspective, assume a 24-7 D/s relationship with both parties working full-time.  This leaves an average of 8 hours of Dominance per weekday and 16 hours per weekend day, and 72 hours per week.
$200 an hour
$14,400 weekly ($17,600 if taking time and half OT into account)
$62,400 avg per month ($76,267 with OT)
$748,800 yearly ($915,200 with OT)

At this rate, ignoring OT, it would take roughly 50 years of service for a sub to exceed the value of 1 year of 24-7 lifestyle Femdom.

I'm sure there are skeptics going, "hold on here, not all of the hours spent together are worth $200 an hour!"  That is probably true, but this will vary heavily upon individual subs.  For some, the mental "slave" environment is enough to justify some value.  Hell, Femdom phone sex providing a female voice and slave environment fantasy would run at least $120 an hour, so let's assume the "half on" time where mental factors are present aren't that big of a dropoff.  Key-holding services for chastity belts run ~$25 a week.

I'll quit nitpicking and let us assume a situation where the "worthy of $200 domination" happens 1 hour per day during the week, and 2 hours a day on the weekends, for a total of 9 hours a week.  This yields:
$1,800 weekly
$7,800 avg per month
$93,600 yearly

In this case, it would only take the sub 6 years 2 months, 2 weeks, and 6 days of service to equal the value of 1 year of 9 hours a week domination play.

Oh, the poor sub, he has to do all the chores, cooking, and cleaning.  He has to sexually pleasure his Mistress with no reward for himself.  He has to obey her and be at her beck and call.  Is this really unfair?  Even if EVERYTHING favors the Domme, that doesn't come even close to offsetting the value difference of services provided. In terms of value, she's actually getting screwed on the deal no matter what.

Food for thought.  It would be interesting to have a "buyout" value on a D/s contract done up in this way.

p.s. The cost of therapy to try to eliminate or at least cope with the need for domination is still around $200 an hour.

male submissive Insecurity

Writing my last post got me thinking a bit more...  I'm writing this as much for me as anyone else, so please don't feel like it's meant to insult anyone, it's mostly something I just wanted to remind myself about so that I can continue to try to steer clear of its pitfalls.

I've come to know that a lot of early struggles for subs are often rooted in their insecurities.  I am prone to this as well.  Our insecurities can make us stubborn and trap us in our own heads at times and affect our devotion and service.  At some point most submissive (or vanilla) men have probably been worried about at least one of these things:
-Is my penis too small?
-She's out of my league, I don't deserve her."
-Will I be able to please her?
-Does this make me less of a man?
-What if she thinks it's weird?
-It's too embarrassing to do ______, I can't even think about it.
-I would never be caught dead doing _______, what if someone found out?

These fears are so individualistic and many of them are downright selfish.

It's a huge favor to a Domme for a sub to leave all the bullshit baggage at the gate.  It's easy for subs to forget that deep down, Dommes have many of the same insecurities.  How she looks, whether it will turn the sub on, what others might think if they found out, does getting aroused by being sadistic make her a bad person, etc.

In addition to that, Dommes also have greater worries:
-How can make I balance things so that it is enjoyable/rewarding for both of us?
-Am I being too dominant or not dominant enough?
-What if I make a mistake and hurt him too badly?
-I don't know how long I can keep the dynamic going.
-What if I run out of ideas on what to do?
-What if he refuses something I really want?
-What should I do if I just don't feel dominant today?

Basically, if a sub takes all of his worries that are specific to him, imaging a Domme has almost the same number of worries but is constantly worried about a dozen bigger things, namely, HOW TO KEEP THE RELATIONSHIP DYNAMICS GOING.

As a sub, if you are aware of this, get over your own selfish bs and put your best foot forward because she is the one that is responsible for keeping the wheels on.  It's her job to make sure you know your place, your dick stays hard, and that her needs are met as well.  That's a tall order to put on someone; respect that.

Don't get me wrong, it's okay to have insecurities, but there's an appropriate time and place for them.  There's times when you can talk and let them be known, but don't dwell on them when you are supposed to be focused on her.  If you have the time to worry about yourself, channel that energy into your service to her.  Insecure about something?  Improve yourself to balance it out.  Practice makes perfect.  Perfect makes confident.

Women and Clothing

It sort of feels like I've started over with the blog. I don't think that's actually true but it's feeling much easier to write now that I'm not blocking myself from keeping things impersonal.

Women and clothing fascinate me. Not so much from a fetish sense but just in general. I tend to find clothed women more attractive than naked ones. I find the female body to be beautiful in all of its shapes and sizes, I just think that a woman presenting herself nude is a privilege and is something special to be shared with someone very special and not just as erection fodder.

The world does its best to beat down a woman's self-esteem. It often feels like people accept that selling cosmetics, magazines, and $2000 shoes outweighs the psychological damage it does to a woman's self-image. Like the eating disorders, complexes, and stress are acceptable so that men have something nice to look at. I find this idea horrible.

I find that women have a lot more "faces" they have to juggle for the world and this is often clearly expressed through the way that they dress. They have what they wear when they want to feel beautiful or sexy. What they wear when they want to feel powerful and command respect. What they wear when they are feeling casual and comfortable in their own skin. What they wear when they value comfort for themselves and don't care what you think.

Each face carries with it an attitude and its own set of positive and negatives. The more that a woman tries to be something, any insecurity related to that face may surface as well. While society has changed its views upon a woman's role at home and in the workplace, it has been much slower to accept that a woman doesn't have to be pretty for the world all the time and by the world's standards.

I think confidence is the sexiest part of a woman. I believe that each woman has her own faces she's most comfortable showing the world and with those come an attitude. "I like who I am, if you don't, then fuck you."

Women are individually unique as to which face gives that confidence. For some it's a power business suit, for others it may be sweatpants and an over-sized t-shirt, and others it may be their favorite little black dress and shoes. It may even be all 3.

From my experiences, only a small percentage of women have their most confidence face on while naked, if so, great. If not, I know that I will find their most confident state the most attractive.

While I have a preference for certain types of clothing on women (fur, leather, boots, gloves, etc.) they are only a preference in the same manner that someone might have a preference for breasts or legs. They aren't a necessary part of my submission, merely an aesthetic touch that has the power to increase my arousal. I've been blessed to have been with women that entertained this fact since knowing they were arousing me assisted in their confident face. I have also spent enough time blindfolded where clothing types are unnecessary, although the gesture means the world to me.

I understand where the "Domme uniform" idea comes from as a means of establishing a new, powerful, and sexy face. I also understand how expecting a Domme to dress this way could undermine her confidence as well.

I don't really have a point in all this, they are just some random thoughts.

Showtime's Billions

Lady Grey mentioned the Showtime show, "Billions," in my post on coping and I started watching it last night.  There is a bit of Femdom splashed in here and there in each episodes as one of the main characters is a submissive.  If you aren't familiar with the show, it's about high-profile investment banking and government agencies trying to catch white collar criminals.  If you enjoyed movies like Wall Street or... the Wolf of Wall Street, Boiler Room, etc. this would probably be up your ally.

I will try to talk about certain aspects without any spoilers.  As of this point I have watched the first 5 episodes.  I will make it clear though, that Femdom is a small part of what is going on and is not the primary theme of the show so far.

The opening scene is a bit surprising, well, most likely since it's the opening scene and you have no clue about any of the characters yet, but from a D/s standpoint, it's a little bit "advanced" with pain and degradation.  I am always a bit concerned when Femdom is introduced into the vanilla realm in such a way.  It has the potential to paint subs into a corner as deviant perverts into "nasty stuff," and can often tilt someone far to the "no" side, when they may have otherwise been closer to neutral or curious.

As the show goes on, you start to get the feeling that the sub character really needs to submit in order to let him self relax and forget the stress of his day job.  Without it, he begins to wind up and up and it starts affecting him negatively on both a personal and professional level.

After 5 episodes, there has been only one certain indicator that the Domme is deriving pleasure from this arrangement.  Without that, the rest of the interactions seem most utilitarian, with D/s serving as a therapeutic remedy for the man's stress.  The Domme's character is very deep and complicated though, so I hope that it grows as I watch more of the series.

From a personal perspective on the show, I really, really, really, love Wendy's character.  She is incredibly competent and intelligent, very confident, insightful, and aware.  She remains a bit mysterious though, where you know she has complete understanding and control over the big picture, but it is difficult to read what she really likes or dislikes about all that is going on.  Wendy knows exactly what has to be done in pretty much any situation, she also understands why people make their right or wrong decisions, and seems to grasp pretty much anything and everything, without letting it affect personal or professional relationships.

Basically, I find her amazing.

The phone call scene near the end of episode 5 touched really close to home for me and reminded me a lot of my time with K.

Thursday, May 19, 2016

On Display Part 3

What followed was sort of strange.

Although I had been around T's friends quite a bit, I really didn't know any of them and none of them really knew anything about me at all even after several months.  I know that several were very impressed with my behavior and courteous nature.  All of the friends I was introduced to were single and ranged from age 28 to 50.  Most were divorced and had children of varying ages.  All of them were a bit distraught with dating and relationships.

At some point T had each of them over and talked with them about relationships, love, men, and so on (To be clear here, these were 5 different evenings and not all at once). At some point, T called me over and inserted me into the conversation.  "Tell them your thoughts on this," she instructed. 

I have been giving relationship advice for a very long time... starting at age 16 or so.  Being stuck in the friend zone put me as the prime shoulder to cry on and hear things out while giving my thoughts on the subject and this experience taught me something strange... that for many women, how they go about relationships at 16 doesn't change very much by 45.

As I spoke to them, I echoed the majority of the sentiments I had about men, love, submission, and D/s that I had spoken about with T when we first met, although I removed any Femdom or fetish details in this version.  I have a pretty developed philosophy, so my soap box usually took about 90 minutes.  They would occasionally pause to ask a question, but for the most part, they sat back and listened intently.  I will try to give a very brief recap.  The actual words were more eloquent and with a better and more appropriate flow.
-Assume all men are jerks until proven otherwise.  Nearly all will be chasing easy sex.
-Assume all men are children inside and will be selfish and throw tantrums unless someone takes charge.
-It is better to be the one who chooses than the one who is chosen.  You can pick the ones that will try the hardest and aren't at the mercy of who decided to approach you.
-50/50 balance is destined to fail.  It has to be at least 51/49 to keep things flowing as someone's will must always win instead of reaching a stalemate.  If you want things your way, be the one with the power. 

At some point T would steer me down a different route.  "Tell her how you think men should act in relationships."  The summary version:
-A man should put her happiness and pleasure first and foremost.  He should adore her like she is the most important thing in the world and make her believe it.  A man's devotion can be measured by how much he is willing to change himself for the better to make sure her happiness remains paramount. 
-A man should show his love openly and affection should flow freely.  He should notice things and give frequent compliments.  His thoughts should always include what he can do to make her happy.
-A man should feel lucky every day that he is with her and that appreciation should show in every action and gesture.  Hold nothing back.

"How do women make that happen?" she steered again.
-It's up to a woman to ensure that a man doesn't stray from his ideal path.  She is sexually superior and can overpower him in this regard, using sex as a weapon to ensure his behavior.
-Women have to take charge and save men from their selfish and stupid shit.  Jerking off to porn constantly instead of channeling his sexual energies for her, spending $5k on a car stereo, getting obsessed by some pointless hobby and tuning out the rest of the world... these are male behaviors and benefit no one.  
-Seek the men that you don't find in bars or clubs; men who don't wreak of testosterone.   Find the shy, sensitive guy that will love and cherish you and make you his world, he's the one who will feel lucky to have you.

By the end I noticed a split.  Massage girl and the one who didn't want anything during our first meeting (I later found out it was because she too thought I was short and fugly and didn't want me to touch her) thought I was full of shit.  Back rub and foot rub #2 were very intrigued (and turned on).  Foot rub #1 with the tall boots was rolling with it, a huge grin on her face.

Massage girl and no touch retorted with how they could only be attracted to a tall man with a good body and would take charge and be "manly."  No touch went on to say that he had to have a full head of her, perfect teeth, a good job, and big goals for his life.  Several weeks later she began showing up with her new boyfriend.  He was tall and muscular but was also unemployed and mooching off her, had a Charlie Brown head of hair, and roughly 7 teeth.  I guess some compromises had to be made? Massage girl remained single except for a random smattering of one-night stands that she thought would be more.  T would share with me the exploits of both after that as T didn't invite them around much after this but they would still talk on the phone.  I remember hearing about a sob story of how she "even let him fuck her up the ass and then he never called and blocked her number." 

Back rub and foot rub #1 enjoyed what I had to say, but countered with "Men like that don't exist."  I assured them that they did, they just had to look differently.  Going out to a club, waiting for a guy to hit on her, and sleeping with them that first night wasn't working very well.  What followed was a string of excuses that would make a 23 year old millennial moving back in with their parents because they can't hold a job blush.  I knew though, they weren't disagreeing with me, they just had low self-esteem and were too proud to say that being the one to choose and the risk of rejection that entails was too hard for them.  They would end up as works in progress. 

Foot rub #1 was bubbly.  "Sign me up!"  She asked me how to make that sort of thing happen and T stepped in for me.  I always get heated an animated when talking about these subjects.  T patted her thigh and I knelt on the floor next to her.  She placed her hand on my head and guided it to her lap.  I heard T ask her friend if she knew what Domination and submission was.  Adrenaline gone, I started to drift into subspace and zoned out with my head on T's lap. 

Foot rub #1 was a black woman in her late 40's that had moved here from the deep south.  Her mannerisms were a bit of a stereotype but very animated and beaming with energy.  Every so often my trance was broken by her voice, "So you're saying that he's one of those submissive things you're talking about?   I have GOT to get me one of those."  As T continued, she didn't reveal anything deeper about me (I started listening after this outburst), just that I truly enjoyed being able to serve them in that way and that it made me feel good to please.  "But I thought like that Domination and submission stuff was supposed to be kinky and shit?"  T replied with, "It is, but the orgasms are amazing."

"So what kind of kinky things is he into?"
"Well..."  I opened my eyes and tensed up a little, "That's a secret... but let's just say I bet it would make you laugh."
"Aww shit, you can't just drop a bomb like that and then not even tell me.  I'm not embarrassing you, am I honey?" she asked, directed at me.  I gently shook my head.
"Maybe some day," replied T.

After that T introduced her to collarme and she started meeting subs.  I only saw her two more times in person, both in passing.  Once I overheard, "The sex is great, but T, I can't find one that will do all the things that he does," in reference to me.  That made me feel good.  She ended up moving far across town so when T saw her from there on out it was usually without me and they would mostly shop together.  T had gotten her to start wearing fur and showed me a picture, telling me she loved it.  After a while, they lost touch and I heard she found a man and they moved back to the south to be closer to family.  This was the most I had ever been "outed," but I didn't really mind given the circumstances and environment.

On a side note, several months later massage girl approached T and realized some of the things I said might have been right.  Their friendship didn't last much longer though as it soon became clear that she was a pathological liar.

On Display Part 2

After the first meetings as chronicled in Being On Display T was comfortable that she had introduced me to her friends in an appropriate manner and set the tone for our relationship in their eyes so that this behavior wouldn't seem out of place.  She had been tight-lipped about any prying questions and simply answered them with "that's just how he naturally is."

In future interactions my cooking and waiting on them became the norm as well as some additional practices that I wrote about in the comments of that post.  In the winter T would have me take their coats and hang them up and proceed to help them out of their boots with me kneeling at their feet.  If it was particularly cold out I would ask if either wanted a blanket, and if the answer was yes, I would warm it up in the dryer for a couple of minutes before spreading it over their legs.  Some of her friends were very polite and would say, "please" and "thank you" to me but T informed them that it was not necessary to do so. 

I was to warm their cars up and clear them any snow which may have accumulated 15 minutes before their departure.  Upon their departure, T would have me help them back into their boots while they were seated and then assist them into their coats so that they could continue to converse free of distractions.  The woman from the long foot rub seemed to enjoy this quite a bit and was a bit giddy.  She started wearing knee high or above the knee boots every time she came over, and not the type with easy zips, but lace ups that had about 80 hooks and eyelets per boot. 

We did go out quite a bit.  If T or her friend were the driver, the other would sit in front and I would sit in the back.  If T had me drive, they would sit together in the back as I chauffeured them.  I was always the last one into the car, closing their car doors for them first before entering and I was always the first one out of the car, opening their doors for them and then hustling to the entrance to wherever we were going so that I could hold the door for them.  T sort of took the lead when this happened since most places here have two sets of doors, so she would stop at the 2nd door and wait for me to open that one as well.  If it was out to eat, I would help everyone with their coats, taking them to the coat room/rack if there was one and assist with their chairs.  I would order last and eat light since I knew I would be running about if anything was needed. 

If it was shopping, T would have me carry all of the bags and walk a few steps behind them.  I was only permitted to set the bags down if they were taking a break and wished for me to fetch some refreshments.  At times it became a bit interesting trying to take care of all the doors with my arms loaded with bags.  I was instructed to decline help if they offered it and had to rely on my creativity.  As we were leaving, they would wait at the doors while I carried the bags out, warmed up the car, and pulled it to the curb closest to the door, where I would get every door for them again.  The rides home were always interesting after these.  "It was like shopping with the perfect man.  He didn't complain or anything!   T, are you sure he isn't actually gay?"  She would assure them with gusto.

Upon returning home, I continued with door duty and would go inside, again helping with coats and boots and refreshments before being sent back out to retrieve any items that were still in the car, e.g. shopping bags, leftovers, etc.  One day in particular we were getting hit with a blizzard and a cold front at the same time and we received several inches of snow windchills below 0.  All of the cars were buried.  I was sent out 45 minutes before the expected departure to shovel a path and clear off the car.  T's friend tried to protest, "Don't send him out there, it's freezing out.  I'll be fine"
"No, trust me, it's okay."
"Are you sure?"
"He'll be fine." 
T's friend looked at me and spoke directly, "Don't tell me you're going out there with no boots, and no hat or gloves."
"He'll be fine, but if he wants, I'm sure I can find him a hat and pair of gloves... tell her you're fine."
"I'm fine," I said with a blushing smile and my eyes glued to the floor. 
I departed and did what was instructed.

This continued into the months of better weather (there aren't many of them here) and we would frequently go to the beach with her friends.  I would drop them off and then park the car (usually VERY far away) and then carry everything to the chosen location which would often take several trips.  While they would lay out, I would kneel in the sand at T's side, ready to retrieve a beverage or anything that may have been left in the car.  Those days were rather exhausting, but they were enjoyable as well.

Dream Bondage Device - Chastity Alarm - Evolved

AUTHOR'S NOTE (5/22/16 update): After digging through some old posts I realized this is the 2nd time I had come up with something along these lines.  The original was from August, 2010 and involved an imagined modification to a CB-2000/3000/6000 type device but with a different type of mechanism. 

It's been a long time since I wrote about one of these... looking like upwards of 5 years.

For those who aren't familiar with this type of post, occasionally I have some pretty whacked out and over the top Femdom dreams where non-existent-in-reality bondage devices end up surfacing and I end up writing about them.  I think my personal favorite of them was the Venus Ball Trap.
More info on that can be found here:
Piss poor drawing of it

Several different versions of a chastity alarm has shown up in my dreams. The first and most primitive version is also the most realistic in the likelihood that "someone could really make that."

The idea is that a standard ring and cage style chastity device would have a levered plate running along the top/front of the cage portion.  If a sub would try to get erect, it would depress the plate and with enough force, the shift in the plate's position would trigger a bell to ring, letting the Domme know that the sub was aroused and attempting an erection.

This has lots of potential uses, ranging from maintaining sexual discipline in public for fear of drawing attention to giving a Domme an easy barometer for how much a sub is enjoying a certain activity to enacting an impossible challenge of "don't ring the bell, or else..."

There has also been a high tech (sci-fi) version of this to appear in my screwed up brain.  This version incorporates a pressure sensor inside the front of the tube of a full-metal, around the waist style chastity belt.  The sensor could then track the intensity of a sub's attempted erection and feed that data to a computer screen, phone app, etc.

I have dreamed of several different versions of the high-tech belt, and depending upon the details of the dream, many additional options were also included (it doesn't make sense to install a sensor and nothing else does it?).  On the more practical side of things, the options included a GPS tracking chip, heart-rate monitor, and remote activated punishment shock.  Still practical, although quite extreme (this is why I scare myself), was in one dream the belt included some surgical modifications that allowed for feeding and bodily waste to be taken care of via the belt by attaching food and waste containers to it. If an enslaved male doesn't need time to eat or use the restroom, they can be that much more productive.  This included the added "bonus" of allowing a sub to be gagged and plugged indefinitely.   

This sort of device would probably require recharging and the dreams never covered that, but when I thought about it, a line from the "mantronics" fantasy device that I read long ago popped into my head and it seemed perfect:  "A generous 6 foot cord is included for charging."  Although in this dream the subs were kept in tiny cells, so being limited by cord length wouldn't have mattered. 

An additional use that popped up later was the use of the erection sensor to create a sexual profile for a man.  If they were restrained and forced to watch images or scenes of varying nature (A Clockwork Orange sort of deal but probably on a head mounted display), a recording of what turned him on and by how much could be crated, and perfected if the system were to intelligently adjust its image feeds to create a complete profile.  In the dream this was used as a method to locate submissives out of a group of men to route them into a different training program.

Graphic and Explicit Writing

I'm feeling a lot more liberated in my writing since finishing up the reflections.  Putting a name to Dommes and giving events an approximate time-frame has made it a lot easier to write about experiences and events without feeling the need to give every post the backstory leading up to it.

I am also finding myself writing a lot more graphically about sexual activities than I ever have before.  In the past I'd felt that including a lot of that might dilute the focus of posts and I desperately wanted to avoid being written off as "just some wanker sub," so I made a conscious effort to avoid getting too explicit about things.

Now that I have broken that barrier, I'm feeling self-conscious about it and I have a question to readers... Do you prefer this newer style or my older "keep it in your imagination" method of dealing with sexual events?

I'm honestly curious.  It's nice to be able to illustrate things with actual life examples but I don't want generalized concepts being too pigeon-holed into my specific set of fetishes and circumstances.

Any feedback would be appreciated.

Good Orgasm vs. Emasculation

The best orgasm I've ever delivered was with "Her Delight."

Her Delight was discontinued years ago and if memory serves, it was due to it being a bit too large both in length and girth and having unnatural "friction ridges" (in addition to production issues).  If you aren't familiar with the device, it was a dildo that would attach via the CB-2000/3000 rings, posts and spacers to fit over the penis so that traditional sexual intimacy could occur without actual sexual contact with a sub's cock.  Her Delight could be held on with a locking pin or locked on.  The base was hollowed out to accommodate the sub's penis.  It's basically a male strap on with the intent being to torment a chaste sub by removing the cage portion of the device only to replace it with Her Delight, have some sex, and then put the cage back on. 

I'm not tiny by any means, although I'm definitely not huge either.  I often got the "it's a good size" comment along with references to an actual penis being far preferable to any form of artificial dildo or vibrator.

I purchased her delight as a bit of a novelty and T was willing to entertain me and give it a go although she had reservations about the size.  T mounted me and within 2 thrusts I could tell something was different.  Every in and every out had her body quivering as it passed through her.  Her eyes were clenched tight.  Her breathing was heavy and erratic, coming in the form of heaves and abrupt gasps.  Moans and sounds I had never heard before freely flowed out from the depths of her bosom.  She bit her lip.  T always liked to pin my wrists down during sex.  This time around she gripped each wrist with a death clench and would repeatedly lift and slam then down against the bed.  I could feel my heart beating in my palms and my hands began to tingle.

T is normally quite talkative during sex.  She would verbalize her fantasies and talk about what we're "going to do," and this would assist in her arousal.  She's also a bit self-conscious about letting go and being loud during her orgasms so she would try to hold in her non-verbal sounds.  That wasn't happening now.  Nothing that left her mouth was close to qualifying as a word.  The sounds were loud and primal, ranging from squeals of enjoyment, gasps of desperation, deep moans, and grunts that almost seemed like she was hurting.  When there were no sounds, I could see her biting her lower lip.

She came several times, each time coming to a rest with it deep inside her.  A few moments later she was back to grinding away.  As we entered the home stretch T began to slam my wrists against the bed over and over in rhythm, gradually building in pace.  I could feel the whole bed rocking and pounding against the wall like a cheesy sex scene in a bad movie, slam, slam, slam, slam, slam, slam.  Finally, she braced, arched her back, let out a war cry, and ejaculated violently all over my stomach and chest, soaking the both me and bed.  T quickly dismounted, kissed me, and sprawled out.

I left for the bathroom to clean myself up.  T's grip had left bruises on my wrists.  My parts were sore from the plastic pins poking me (I would later trim them) and the tip of my penis felt almost bruised from being pressed against the inner wall of Her Delight.  I was very aroused by now and very happy I got to T have a much more extreme orgasm than usual.  I returned to the bedroom and she was asleep, sprawled diagonally on the bed, and snoring.  This surprised me a little since we had only gone for about 25 minutes and usually we would continue things on for hours.  I let her sleep and watched TV until I got tired and went to bed.

I woke up feeling T's hand on my penis.  She had woken up very early.  I looked at her and she was glowing.  Her eyes were very alive and there was a huge smile on her face.
"Did I fall asleep last night right afterwards?"
"Yes, you did."
"Did you play with yourself after?"
"No, but I wanted to."
"Good boy.  I'm so sorry... I've just never felt like that before, it was amazing," she said as she arched her back and stretched.

From here on I could tell T was holding back the "full truth" a bit as she realized there may be implications and she danced around with her words.  I was grateful that she did this to try to protect my feelings.

"So it was good?"
"Well... let's just say it was different."
"But different in a good way, right?"
"Definitely!  Definitely good... but, I still think I prefer a real cock."
"Your orgasm said otherwise," I said with a grin.
"Well... it's just... I couldn't help it, having an orgasm that hard..."

We used Her Delight a few more times with the same result each time but then stopped and I don't remember why.

I suppose I could look back and say that this was an emasculating experience that planted the seeds of insecurity, etc., but it would be a lie.  The truth of the matter is that like most men who aren't hung like a porn star, I've always been insecure about my size and in the back of mind I had always been curious just how much more pleasurable things would be for her if I was larger.  This just served to verify those concerns and I continued to do the best that I could do in response, e.g. work on endurance, aim, cunnilingus skills, finger dexterity, etc.  It wasn't really all that big of a deal to me since my insecurities were fairly realistic.

Did I find it emasculating?  Sure, but this was well after I was conditioned to get aroused by being dressed up as a fur sissy.  Oh, a dildo that is larger than me gets her off harder?  This was small potatoes.

In all honesty, I guess I just don't really mind having my male ego completely crushed. Having an intact and functioning male ego hasn't ever really done anything positive for me, and if anything, it has done me more harm than good.

I wrote about Her Delight in the past in this post:

Hello to any new readers

It looks like I have my first new followers in quite a while (3 public, possibly more private).  I want to say a quick welcome and if there's anything you would like to ask or have a topic you would like me to write about, I'm always open to suggestions.  I can also tailor writings as a clinical/textbook type, or a more personal response that involves my own experiences and events that might relate.  Thank you very much for following and I hope there's at least something of interest you can find here.

If you arrived here through Lady Grey's blog, thank you for visiting, and thank you again, Lady Grey.

Being On Display

Some recent comment discussions on my blog and others got me thinking about how my sub self has interacted with outsiders to certain degrees.  K and F were very private, and with the exception of one play party with F, we never displayed any of our D/s life beyond ourselves.

With T, things have been a bit different.  She has sought out other D/s couples and individuals to be friends with us in a way where we can openly discuss our relationships while doing very vanilla activities (board games, going out to dinner, etc.).  I know that Dommes often like to show off their subs to other Dommes or other people involved in the BDSM communities, but when it comes down to revealing anything to vanilla parties, this is a lot less common.

From what I've read on blogs, many couples practicing FLRs will drop little hints or small public displays to gauge reactions from others. Oddly enough, this seems to be a bit more common with couples that try to distance themselves from the fetish aspects a relationship (e.g. calling it FLR or WLM etc. and avoiding terms like Femdom, D/s, BDSM, fetish, and so on).  I have a feeling this has to do with the extreme privacy practiced by most fetish-embracing couples and so they are less likely to let down their guard to anyone.

EDIT: Quick Author's note - The following events didn't involve any type of overt BDSM-related displays.  No D/s protocols such as kneeling or addressing with titles, collars, dressing, etc. were used.  I was presented as my "normal self."

During our first few years together T wanted to show me off... a lot, to her vanilla friends.  I met most of her friends, one at a time, usually with us doing the entertaining.  T would have me cook, prepare snacks, and serve them beverages.  I slaved away in the kitchen while they would relax and talk.  T would summon me for drink refills, to let me know when to serve the snacks, and so on.  The rest of the time I was to stay out of sight and out of mind.  When I was visible, I was to be on my best behavior and most proper manners.  I would serve them dinner and multi-task the kitchen making sure none of the dishes got cold, tend to drinks, and prepare dessert.  If any of them asked why I wasn't eating with them, T would reply that it was okay for me to eat after them. 

These types of displays always made me very shy and I would blush any time T would "speak for me" to her friend.

After dinner I would serve them dessert in the living room and then return to the kitchen to scarf down some dinner and start on the dishes.Around now is when the friends would usually get quite curious.
"Isn't he going to join us for dessert?"
"No, he doesn't need any dessert and he's taking care of the dishes."
"A man doing dishes without being asked? Wow.  Does he want any help?"
"No, he's fine.  He always does the dishes."

If I ever peeked I could see T with a giant smile on her face.  During dessert I would prepare some fresh coffee and while it was brewing, I would go to them and ask how much cream and sugar her friend would like.  T would then say something along the lines of, "if it's not perfect, send it back and he'll do it again." There were never any complaints.

After serving coffee and they were finished with dessert, I would finish the dishes and then return to them.  They were usually comfortably parked on the couch.  I had a small wooden stool that I was to sit on at T's side.  Up until this point, I had very little interaction with any of her friends.  I had greeted them, exchanged pleasantries, and then only spoke when I was asking what I could get them or taking their dishes.  On that stool, T would start to gush about me, while I would sit in silence while blushing. 

"If you want a foot rub, back rub, or massage, let me know.  He gives excellent ones."

It almost felt like she was following a script.  Out of the 5 occasions, there were 4 takers.  2 foot rubs, 1 back rub, 1 massage, and 1 pass.  The most notable were 1 foot rub and the massage.  When I knelt for the foot rub, I said, "please tell me when you would like me to switch feet and when you would like me to stop."  I started on her left foot.  They talked as if I wasn't there, occasionally interrupted by a moan of the woman whose foot I was rubbing.  After about 45 minutes, she asked me to switch and I moved on to the right foot.  At some point the conversation shifted to being about me.  I would often shop with T and help her pick out clothes that would fit the "attitude" she wished to present.  T told her friend about my "eye" for that as well as my bargain hunting habits, and the like.  Her friend then said she was looking to buy a pair of "fuck me" boots and asked if she could bring me along before finally acknowledging me and saying "just kidding, sweetie."

T responded with, "If you want him for that, he's yours."
"Don't tempt me."

Things continued and I didn't pay close attention to the conversation unless something perked my interest (I was focused on giving a good foot rub).
"How did you train him this well?"
"He was like this before I met him."
"Really?  Can I have him suck my toes?  Just kidding, sweetie."

When she had me stop rubbing, she responded with, "I wish that could go on forever."
"Would you like me to continue?"
"Yes, but I'm sure your hands have to be hurting by now."
"It's okay.  I can continue if you would like."
"Are they hurting?  Be honest."
"Yes, ma'am."
"Then stop, you need to save some for T.  Thank you sweetie, you were great."

After she left I received a very nice reward.  T was extremely happy and was beaming.  I could tell she was proud of me for doing a good job.  Later on she would tell me what the other women said to her about me and it made me very happy.

The massage, was a bit weird.  T moved off the couch and had her friend lie on her stomach across the whole couch.
"Would you like theraputic or pleasurable?"
"What's the difference?"
"Theraputic involves deep tissue work.  It's quite painful but very beneficial.  Pleasurable focuses upon stimulating nerve endings and circulation.  It feels better but doesn't do much for muscle knots."
"Please let me know when you would like me to stop."

I began to rub her back in the ways and areas I have learned feel good.  She and T continued to have a conversation for a little bit but soon she went silent except for moans and T hopped on the computer in the room.  After about 20 minutes she started to grind her pelvis into the couch, moving in a circular motion.  I continued to work on various areas.  After about 90 minutes, the final hour of which were filled with pleasurable groans and non-stop grinding, T finally spoke."

"You know, he has an even more special massage than this, if you want it."
"Don't worry, he's not going to rub your clit or anything, but you would have to take off your shirt, you could do it in the bedroom.  It's worth it."

Her friend agreed and T had her go to the bedroom to take off her shirt and get comfortable.  In the living room T instructed me to use the fur massage mitts.  I left for the bedroom after a couple of minutes and got out the mitts.  She had removed her top and was in jeans and a bra.  I rubbed her bare skin with the mitts, making sure to take advantage of having two hands, I would work the normal zones but also break away and touch some lesser stimulated areas, such as using 1 hand on her cheek with the other on her back.  She continued to moan, grind, and squirm around.  At some point she put 1 hand in her pocket.  After a little over 2 hours she told me, "Okay, stop."

This friend was different from T's other friends.  This one hadn't said a single thing to me the entire evening or acknowledged my presence except for "What's the difference?", "Pleasurable," and "Okay, stop."  I left the room and asked T if I could take a shower.  My shoulders, arms, and hands were all killing me. She said yes.  As I grabbed a change of clothes from the bedroom, T's friend was just finishing putting her top back on.  Her jeans were now a darker shade of blue across the whole front from being soaked.  She didn't look at me and started shouting to T down the hall as she left.

I soaked my shoulders for a bit in the shower.  As I was drying off I heard T's voice through the bathroom door.  "I think you should leave." Loud voices.  "I think you should leave now."  Loud voices, then the front door closed.  I came out of the bathroom and T was irate.  I asked her what was wrong and she let out a string of obscenities, finally settling in on, "that fucking bitch just asked me how I could stand being with you since you're 'so short and fugly.'"  It was a little bit disheartening to hear that, but it made me happy that T was angry and kicked her out.  I didn't get a reward that night.

They eventually made up but T was hesitant to do so and told me I didn't have to be nice to her in the slightest.  I can be a pretty big prick if I want to be one, so I did torment that woman quite a bit in the future.  My favorite was when she called T and asked her how much I would charge for another massage.  T had leaned off the phone and relayed that question to me.

I responded loud enough to be heard over the phone: "The short and fugly massage service is usually free, but for her, $50 an hour."

I thought that would get rid of her for sure, but then T leaned away from the phone again and said, "She's asking if you'd take $25 an hour."  I covered my eyes, started laughing, and told T to tell her whatever she wanted.  T told her "no deal."

Conditioned Behaviors

Lady Grey made some comments about a post I made on May 9th (which feels like an eternity ago even though it has only been 9 days) that I could have elaborated a bit on what I referenced by being conditioned to respond sexually to something.

I figure that is something I can expand on and give some of the terminology that I use in my writings overall.

I believe there's a big difference in D/s between trained and conditioned behaviors.  One could argue semantics on this point, but by and large I think of them as two distinct things, and while there may be better labels for them, I will stick with these for now.

Trained behaviors are a corner stone of the D/s lifestyle.  The Domme wants the sub to act in a certain way and he modifies his behavior to match her expectations.  In most cases, the behavior is governed by a set of rules and the sub is forced to obey the rules or face punishment.  Assuming the punishment functions properly as a deterrent, the sub will modify his behavioral patterns to follow the rules. 

An easy example commonly associated with the male gender would be putting the toilet seat down.  If a sub is seriously beaten each time he leaves the toilet seat up, it won't take him very long to start putting it down.  This would be a trained behavior that is consciously performed associated with negative reinforcement. 

Most lifestyle subs have many trained behaviors as their Dommes have molded them to their liking.

Positive reinforcement can also be used for behavioral training but it is probably best reserved for major changes.  Rewarding a sub for properly addressing his Domme with an instructed title doesn't really seem worthy of a reward. 

Conditioned behaviors are a bit more complicated.  Conditioned behaviors are subconscious, involuntary responses linked to positive or negative reinforcement.  They require a lot of time and repetition in order to build subconscious associations.  Once established, these associations are almost unbreakable as they solidify themselves in a sub's psyche.  An example of this would be granting a good orgasm ever time a sub mow's the lawn.  After enough repetition of this, it is likely that a sub get aroused when he is told to mow the lawn as part of a Pavlovian response.

I believe that many conditioned behaviors in D/s happen without either party realizing that it was even happening until it is already there.  I also think that it is possible for a trained behavior to become conditioned over time.  With enough repetition, the behavior will eventually become second nature and there will likely be subconscious responses involved, but setting out to train a behavior vs. setting out to condition a behavior have slightly different paths.

I have experienced a great number of trained and conditioned behaviors over the years with K, F, and T.  While I am completely okay with the trained behaviors, the conditioned ones are things that I'm not very excited about having, and I'm not even sure if they were done intentionally or not.

The first conditioned behavior I can think of is when K introduced the "punishment hat" as I mentioned in Reflections part 2D.  This hat became associated with shame, guilt, and remorse as it was both a symbolic and physical reminder that she was upset with me over my behavior.  Every time I put on this hat (or one of similar design), I get hit with a wave of feelings like I've just been scolded, emasculated, and put in time out to reflect on how inadequate I've been.  These feelings bring about humiliation  more than its feminine design.

My second major conditioned behavior is linked to the first, and I believe if K had been aware of that link, she may have done it a little bit differently.  Following my shopping assignment in Reflections part 2E, the outfit created by her choosing were required for every sexual contact for the rest of our relationship.  If she got horny, she told me to put it on.  If I asked to masturbate, she ordered me to put it on (I even had to purchase a phone headset that would work under the hat and earmuffs).  I was allowed to orgasm quite a bit back then, usually once a day or so unless I was on punishment.  The days and times between orgasms often involved a lot of edging.  It was the norm that by the time I was permitted to cum, I had edged 50-100 times.  K was also very vocal during my arousal, calling me a sissy slave, ordering me to tell her I loved it, etc. When the dust cleared, I had been brought to the brink of orgasm 6,000-10,000 times across a few months and had ejaculated in this environment at least 120 times, with no "normal" sexual contact or orgasms.

How this links to the first is that she chose the punishment hat to be included in the outfit instead of a different hat or going hat free.  I don't think this was intentional, but the conditioned response of wearing the hat managed to inject very powerful feelings of humiliation, inadequacy, shame, remorse, etc. into the environment as well.

In the end, not only did dressing in fur arouse me a great deal, but so did being humiliated and embarrassed by my Mistress in addition to those negative feelings from the punishment hat as well. My body responds immediately and without thought.  The hat goes on and I have an erection but I feel agitated until the others items are in place.  I feel terrible inside but I am aroused out of my mind.  The verbal teasing and humiliation flashes into my head and the words feel true and undeniable.  I want to orgasm but I feel lowly and undeserving and if I go that far, it feels shameful. 

By the time I met F, I had already felt a little bit "ruined" in this way, but she took the conditioning even farther by adding even more associations into the mix and T did the same.  These later associations never had as strong of a pull as the original ones and I'm not sure but it's likely that the raw volume of sexual actions that occurred with K were at the root. 

If I could go back in time and change things, I probably would.  How I am doesn't really feel positive a lot of the time and I would prefer to have my sexual responses wired more closely to more traditional and acceptable things.  At the same time, I try my best to accept that this is who I am and I cannot change it... unless it was conditioned out of me by torture and most likely replaced with something else.   
In any case, I think this is how my persona as "fur sissy" was born.  It wasn't by choice, but it happened.

Wednesday, May 18, 2016

The Current Role of D/s in my Life

I've noticed the most glaring difference between my blog and other Femdom blogs is the lack of, "last weekend we went to... and did..." posts.  In the current state of the relationship between T and I, D/s mode is currently set to "off," and has been for a few years.  When life calms down a bit more (which should happen in the not-too-distant future), we will likely start up again.

T's personality doesn't really mesh well with long-term D/s.  She's a vary loving, caring, and good person, but there are some things that just don't work very well.  When things go wrong it ends up hurting us both, but we did try to maintain things for upwards of 3.5 years.

I don't want to really be negative or down on T, I knew entering the relationship that she was newer to the lifestyle and I had already gone deep down paths that would probably fall into "advanced concepts."  The longest we are able to maintain a strong and positive flow is about 48 hours.  Later, we found it better to limit it to shorter stretches, say 8-12 hours at a time.  

During our on time, everything is very strict and ritualized.  I pamper her and take care of the chores.  We play and have good experiences together.  24-7 just puts too much of a burden on her to carry the situation through and she ends up losing confidence if things don't go as she planned.  I think part of it is that she is driven by a handful of fetishes more than sadism.  That's not necessarily a bad thing but it doesn't turn her on to come up with a system of control that can span over the long haul.  Without that link to arousal, I believe this task becomes more of a chore than a pleasure.

It's been roughly 9-10 years since we got together and I do not regret the decision.  We have a life together, something that was either taken from me or prevented by circumstance is my previous relationships.  I have come to accept the limitations of the situation as it relates to both parties.  I don't have an on/off switch for normal vs. sub mode and I tend to act out if expected to rapidly swap between states on a dime.  T just doesn't love controlling the entire situation and will lash out when her confidence is hurt.

I started this blog to help channel the deeper feelings I have had about the lifestyle (she read it for the first year or so, but now I doubt she even still has the URL).  It has, and continues to serve a role and a place for me to better understand myself and explore ideas and concepts that interest me.

Until the day comes where we turn the switch back on, it will likely remain as my primary outlet, and until then, I won't be having any "last weekend we went to..." posts.

The Most Potent Sexual Organ is the Brain

I've often heard this phrase used to describe the arousal of women (although brain is sometimes interchanged with "mind.").  Women are usually given credit for responding more strongly to environment, related emotions, and the symbolism interpreted from actions (more so than the actions themselves) in their arousal, than the base nature of men.

That isn't to say that women don't appreciate a good piece of eye candy, I just have been told that said eye candy often triggers a fantasy in their minds that may be the deeper source of their arousal.  I can't speak if this is true for all, but it's often looked at as being a more civilized form of sexuality.

Men, on the other hand, are often viewed in the opposite light.  We catch a peek of a breast and immediately we're so horny and out of our heads that we may as well be single-celled organisms following our genetic destiny to procreate.  I know in my case, I've never responded this way, but I've come across many men who either did, or pretended to.  e.g. I'm sure just about every man has known a guy who had an over-abundance of "dude-bro" in him.  He's that guy who nudges you and goes, "dude, bro, check it out, you can almost see the outline of a nipple in that girl's shirt, I'm poppin' a chub."

Is it really that easy for them?  I'm envious on some levels but not in many others.  At the same time, I've never really responded to most porn and that on some levels has made me feel a bit fucked up.  Based on the abundance of available porn, I feel a bit like an anomaly in this regards.  Most fantasy happens within my head.  If I see a picture, video, or something of that nature, the arousal isn't instant, it requires my brain to craft a fantasy that does arouse me.

I feel that most deep submissives, e.g. those that are capable of handling a 24-7 lifestyle D/s relationship are probably wired the similarly.  Reading some recent comments on some FLR blogs reinforces this for me.  Subs try so very hard to justify being drawn into an irrational situation but the fact is, we get turned on by subjecting ourselves to and embracing a situation that inherently isn't fair or a rational choice to begin with, e.g. a girl may fantasize about being Queen, but how many boys fantasize about being the Queen's butler?

There's nothing sexy about doing dishes... until mental parameters get injected.  So, I get an erection from doing dishes while thinking about how I'm serving and knowing that if I don't do them, or do them poorly, that I'll be punished, makes total sense, right?  About the only sense I can come up with is that for subs, the brain becomes the more powerful sexual organ.

Tuesday, May 17, 2016

Femdom as a Meta-Fetish

It seems my writing on/off switch is firmly in the on position.  I should probably schedule my posts to go up once a day or so, but that's never been my style before so the post-bombardment will continue.

Femdom as a meta-fetish is something I have written about before but my recent reflections writings have really livened this idea up for me and looking at it from a slightly different point of view.

The idea of Femdom as a meta-fetish is one that there are certain submissives that will respond sexually to an activity more due to the situational D/s environment more so than the activity itself.  In this sense I believe many events and actions are interpreted by the sub on a symbolic level more than it affects him on a direct level.

An example:  I am not a masochist and despise pain.  The idea of being tied up and beaten until I'm so hurt that I can't even beg for mercy still arouses me.  My experiences with being tied up and beaten to this point also kept me aroused (until I broke, then it went flaccid). The pain itself did nothing for me but the situation itself hit on so many levels:
-Her power/authority
-my helplessness
-my submission
-Her superior status and my lower status
-my suffering for her (devotion)
-many many more reasons.

Each of those ideas individually will arouse me.  Put them all together and the arousal becomes pretty serious.

If you envision that scenario and start changing or filling in details:
-Restrained with chains instead of ropes.
-Gagged so that I can't even speak.
-Blindfolded so that I can't see it coming.
-Is it as a deserved punishment or simply for her entertainment?
-Is there an audience or is it in private?

Each of these details is symbolic of a characteristic of Femdom.  The greater the number of additional details, the stronger the essence of Femdom becomes: increasing her power, lowering the sub's status, increasing her ownership/possession, increasing the sub's vulnerability, etc.

Every single thing that can possibly happen to make the D/s dynamic more extreme increases my arousal level and deepens my corresponding subspace.

Taking things to a more specialized level brings about some other observations.  I hate anal plugs.  They are uncomfortable and bring about a huge level of emotional agitation for me.  The thought of an anal plug is a turn off.  If details are added...

What is the reason an anal plug is being used?  Punishment?  Discomfort/suffering?  Humiliation?  To make you feel "filled in"?  To stretch you out so you can handle a bigger strap on?  Because she's bored?  It entertains her to see you walk funny?   Because you hate it?

What about the plug?  Is it locking?  What size is it and why?  Does it have a tail?  Was sufficient lube involved?  Was it ordinary lube or something worse?

Add answers to these questions and an anal plug is now arousing to me and the more cruel the reason behind it, the more arousing it is.

Is this enough to support Femdom as a meta-fetish?  I can't say for sure.

If I were to put on sissy clothes it would do nothing for me.  If ordered to put them on as a uniform  under the threat of punishment and was treated with a large dose of humiliation and embarrassment, I'd be fully turned on and spiraling into subspace a the speed of light.

I might be attempting the impossible in trying to separate single activities from Femdom as a whole, but I find it interesting nonetheless.

Coping with submission and Fetish

My recent writings have got me thinking about just how much better I am at coping with who I am now.

At first I struggled with the idea of being a submissive and greatly struggled with certain activities that would change or add to the definition of who I was.  I could recognize it was an unavoidable part of me, but that led to a lot of fear and confusion while I was unable to come to terms with it, or to put it bluntly, I hated knowing what I was.

This continued to plague me over the years making it extremely difficult to balance the public and private parts of myself and it made me especially self-conscious when I found myself having to search for another relationship.  The more I spent in the lifestyle the more comfortable I became with some of the more generic or benign ideas.  e.g. It's really not that big of a deal to be a sub and to enjoy "spicier" sexual interactions involve bondage or a spanking here and there, etc.  Get people drunk enough and if things get brought up, you'll find quite a few vanilla couples who have a lot of experience on the kinkier side of the fence.

After a while, I grew to be comfortable in that way.  I've even been able to say to friends, without going into details, that "I was trained as a sex slave for several years."  Most people are more intrigued by this than put off but I wouldn't share more than surface elements.  If the person was a man, I could simply cover some of the events my baser state is more proud of, such as developing sexual skills and being proficient at making a woman orgasm.  The most common response was usually, "Dude, that's awesome."  If the person was a woman, I could talk about treating a Domme as a Queen and waiting on her, pleasuring her, and so on while putting her needs above mine at all times.  The response in these cases was usually along the lines of, "Aww, that's so sweet, I wish I could get a man to do that."

When you start to think about the positives that D/s and femdom provide for a sub as a person, the shame and embarrassment of associating oneself as a submissive tends to go away. 

The larger obstacle to overcome is the kinky fetish driven side of things.  When it comes to my fetishes, I truly do feel like a disgusting, freaky pervert.  I didn't ask to become this, it just ended up happening.  I also know it can't be undone, so there's no point in lamenting over it.  It's who I am.  I have accepted that much.

In this regards, coping was a much slower and more gradual process.  I've grown to feel that as long as one person accepts me and loves me as I am, that is all that matters to make it okay.  Her opinion is the only one that counts, so I should believe in it, and if I'm good enough for her, then I can feel okay about who I am. 

I think it also took me a while for my submission to develop to an extent where I can truly feel that the world beyond her doesn't matter.  Once I got there, it was quite liberating.  This is why I value relationships so very much, even if they are flawed, even if they are difficult, finding someone who accepts you is a very rare and very special thing. 

If my relationship with T were to end, not only would I be very sad, but I would also be back to feeling like my disgusting, freaky pervert of a self was a problem.  I do feel for those who are not in a D/s relationship and are struggling to find the "only one that matters."  My advice to them is to just keep focusing on bettering your submissive self and eventually someone will notice.

D/s Daily Routines vs. Play

This is a bit of a random post thinking about what I have written recently.

I know that I highlighted quite a bit of "play type" events without really covering much of the daily routine type aspects.  Some of  my experiences were a bit skewed by not having enough together time to really establish this as something that may have been cemented in my mind, but I do believe in the minds of the Dommes I was with as well as many femdom relationships, "routine type" events are often a very solid foundation.

It's easy for male subs to forget their place.  When driven by fetish and kept in a state of frequent arousal, the mind gets selective on what it chooses to focus on as being "important to us."  Routine type events may seem "boring" in comparison and their repetition may make them seem mundane, but it's important to remember that this is not necessarily true for the Domme.

For K, speech restrictions (only speaking when spoken to), eye contact restrictions (not being allowed to look at her unless she lifted my chin during "high protocol"), addressing her with a title (Mistress), were a large part of her Domspace and they made her genuinely happy that I would follow those rules for her.  Waiting on her, touching her when she wanted it in the way that she wanted it, and focusing on whatever she desired made her feel cherished.  It was a rather large behavioral shift for me as I could no longer get "into something," usually some unimportant distraction, too deep since I knew I could at any moment have to drop everything and be prepared to serve.  Sometimes (most commonly during high protocol) she would use a bell to summon me and I had 5 seconds to be kneeling before her with my head bowed.  This happened a lot if she wanted me to bring her something or do something for her, if she wanted to touch me, or even if she just wanted to talk.  Other times, she would simply do it to make sure I was on my toes and it amused her to see me scurry from the other room to beat the 5 second time limit (or face punishment).

From our conversations we would have about how things were going, events like those seemed to bring her the greatest deep down happiness and joy.  She was happy to have a sub that would respond all the time and not just when sexual things were involved.  As much as I might get distracted by fantasy scenes and play, deep down I do value and enjoy these "routine" times as well since they allow me to display my devotion and they turn me on as well.  Serving Mistress a cup of tea from a tray in silence while she reads a book and continues to use the tray as her table for the duration of the cup, occasionally reaching out to pinch my nipple is plenty hot, it's just much harder to write about it since it was just part of the routine.

F had a series of positions she instructed me on, which I later used to communicate in a non-verbal fashion.  I had my standard kneel which was used when I entered or exited a room or when I was "at rest," which had my arms at my sides and my head down.  There was a full prostration with my forehead to the ground.  If my arms were extended forwards with palms together and on the ground it was my way of signalling I loved her and was devoted to her.  If I placed my arms behind my back in this position it meant "I'm sorry" or that I had to confess something and expected to be punished.  I had a vulnerable position, knees spread, feet together, and hands behind my back, giving her full access to my body.  I developed another position which was another kneel where I would place my head next to her thigh or on her lap and look at her.  I used this when I just wanted to feel close or sometimes if I wanted attention (she could tell which one by my eyes).  These times were very special to the both of us and occasionally I could tell that the position I chose served as a major turn on to her that would stoke the fires of her Domspace.  

F also loved our rituals.  Greeting her at the door while kneeling and kissing her feet, helping her into her slippers, etc.  When I would kneel and present my collar and allow her to buckle it on (the tighter it was, the more turned on she was).  She later added a ritual for the furs (even if she had instructed me to dress in a certain way beforehand, the final pieces were always part of this ritual).  She loved to see my face struggle to accept the situation.  These gave me a great deal of mental preparation to shed the external distractions from life and get into subspace with my focus only on her.

Above all the play and major events, it was these down times and routines that showed me how much I truly value the D/s lifestyle.  Even when you are "doing nothing," there is still a whole lot going on.

Monday, May 16, 2016

Reflections - An Autobiographical Account of my Journey into D/s

I realized as things went on for far longer than I intended that the more things went out of order and the longer it got, the more difficult it would be to navigate it all.

Part 0 - Prologue

Part 1: The Early Years
Part 1A - Background
Part 1B - Early Experiences
Part 1X - Additional Reflections on M
Part 1XX - More Thoughts on M

Part 2:  K and My Introduction to the Lifestyle
Part 2A: The Beginning
Part 2B: Learning and Training
Part 2C: Difficulties and Complications
Part 2D: Fur and Discoveries
Part 2E: slavespace and Feminization
Part 2F: The Painful Ending
Part 2X: More Thoughts on K

Part 3: Transitions

Part 4: F and Exploration
Part 4A: Connection
Part 4B: Dominance and an Assignment
Part 4C: Early Play
Part 4D: Losing My Virginity
Part 4E: Chastity and Orgasm Denial
Part 4F: Competence
Part 4G: Complications, Endings, and Changes
Part 4X: More about F

Part 5: T and Breaking Down Limits
Part 5A: Catching Up
Part 5B: Inadequacy and Overcoming

Reflections part 0

It feels natural to write a summary over all this... I don't know, sort of like the end of semester assignments in class or something like that.  Upon completing it I feel it might work best as an introduction to the work as a whole.

I started writing these reflections upon Lady Grey's suggestion that I try to return to writing in a more personal way.  I've been away from this side of myself for quite a while now and have a much firmer grasp of myself and better understanding of the D/s lifestyle dynamics than when I started this blog 6 years ago.

When I originally wrote my story in my early posts back in 2010, I labored over how to present myself and carefully composed an ultra-condensed version covering a span of about 5 years.  I was still very insecure with my place in this world and subconsciously chose to skim over certain things to avoid really having to look at what had happened.

I figured looking back on the beginning and working my way forwards was as good of a place as any, looking to use all that I have learned over the past 6 years to shed insight upon the events of the past.  I felt there was no reason to censor myself and I may as well let it all "hang out there," to be completely honest to both myself and anyone who may be reading.  I originally anticipated writing ~500-600 words covering it all across maybe 3 or 4 total posts.  Unlike before, I wanted to keep the majority of the writing "in the moment," and as I attempted to re-live the events in my head I felt a strong connection to the feelings I had at the time and tried to channel things from there.

I surely hope that this was able to come through in the writing, although I know for a fact there are several posts that I wasn't able to complete in 1 sitting due to time constraints, unplanned changes in arousal levels due to outside distractions, or having to regain my composure after stopping to cry.  I apologize in advance for those moments where the writing may seem to abruptly change, almost like it was being written by two different people.

Little did I know that channeling my feelings would several thousand words' worth of material, much of it flowing naturally.  The post splits were necessary to adequately flush out one aspect of my submission without diluting the the post with important, yet barely related events.  In these cases I would often quickly begin a new draft, jotting down some notes for what would be the next section, and then continuing back upon the post I was working on.  By the time I reached part 4 I had drafts of the next 6 parts ready to be filled in.

At times during the writing I felt my head completely spinning out of control.  I wrote from my heart, reliving moments, recalling the fear, joy, shame, sadness, love, confusion, intimacy, curiosity, anger, desperation, and arousal that they entailed.  As I approached the end of each primary part I dreaded what would come next, almost like I wanted to keep stretching out the good times forever in order to prevent the inevitable collapse.

Writing about the events leading up to and the eventual endings hurt.  It hurt a lot.  Several paragraphs took well over an hour to write 5 sentences because I couldn't stop crying and the guilt I felt about the choices I made in those situations returned at a very real level.

Usually when I write, it's with a goal of being informative and/or helpful: to educate people and provide a greater understanding some of the less tangible aspects of D/s, subspace, humiliation, fetishes, and the like. I have no clue whether this body of work as a whole will be able to do any of that, at least not directly.  I'm sure in some ways there will be at least one person who can draw something that helps them from these words, even if it's just the knowledge that someone else out there has had similar feelings and experiences, and lets them know, "I'm not the only one, I'm not alone."

Thank you for reading.

Reflections part 1xx

I have one more thing I think is worth adding to this part, although I wish I would have thought of it before posting 1x.

It was about 3 years ago that I first remembered my experiences with M, well after I started this blog, and I had never really considered that she played a part in me becoming a submissive.  These Reflections posts have involved a large amount of tearing down down defensive walls within me, my childhood being a very large one.  Most of my pre-high school memories have been on lockdown for many years.

When I started writing part 1b, it was from an "oh yeah, I remember M used to tease and torment me a bit..." point of view.  It wasn't until I started to really delve into the first experience that the rest of it came rushing back.  They weren't isolated occurrences.  They happened 5-15 times a year over the course of 4-6 years (I can't recall the exact age I was when they started).  At some point during that stretch, girls stopped being "gross," and I think I was really taken by M.  This just made me more shy and awkward around her since I didn't know how to deal with those feelings.  The fact that she quit coming to see me after I had an erection with her was a source of great shame and I felt like I had driven her away (and was another big reason I had blocked this out).

What really stands out thematically for me is that she really made me feel like I was special in some way and in the moment, I felt very safe.  My mother and sister did nothing to protect me from my father, and I believe I must have craved the feeling that M could provide when no one else could.

Sunday, May 15, 2016

Thank you, Lady Grey

I just wanted to thank you, Lady Grey.  For years your writing has inspired me, your comments are insightful, and I appreciate it so very much.  I also feel very lucky to have been around for your earlier posts before they were removed. 

If others haven't been there, my favorite blog on the internet:

An Apology to L

Back when I was writing a lot more (2010-2012) I was very active in this persona on the internet on forums and social media sites.  I made an array of contacts and kept in touch with many of them, some were fellow fetish enthusiasts, others were "fans," but a couple became friends.

L was a blogger (who is no longer writing) that was relatively new to the D/s lifestyle and looking to expand her Dominance over her submissive husband.  I posted some comments on her blog with some advice and not long after we began to correspond via email and messenger.  L was a very good and caring person and we talked a lot about many things and our schedules managed to line up really well during off-peak hours.  L became a good friend.

In December of 2012 depression hit me VERY badly.  T and I weren't getting along very well.  My only local D/s friend had died earlier in the year (Marc from Cleo & Marc).  I was feeling quite alone and my thoughts were leaving me in a very dark, very bad place.  L was really my only lifeline in the D/s realm.

D/s keeps my demons at bay.  While serving it's impossible for me to feel worthless since I am fulfilling a role of service to the one I love.  When it's at it's most intense, it's impossible for me to be trapped in my own head since I'm focused on her.  Fears of being cast aside or replaced are kept in check by merit, if I am good, she will keep me.  Loneliness goes away since I can make her happier with me there than without.

L did her best to support me as a friend but that wasn't enough to stave off the depression.  At the time (and the desperate mindset I was in) I felt like I had one of two choices to save myself: retreat offline or beg her for D/s interaction or assignments.  I knew that the latter was a very unfair and inappropriate request, so I didn't do that.  Instead I retreated into some hobbies and buried this persona deep within myself.  I withdrew from every online community I was active in (both vanilla and kinky) and just went dark.  I stopped getting on the computer.  I started to use my phone for email and pretty much quit using the internet for anything except paying bills or looking up maps/phone numbers. 

L and I kept in touch for a little while longer but I was no longer making time for anyone or anything online related.  I put up defensive barriers inside to block things out and changed everything about my daily routines.  I wasn't sure how long this would last but it ended up being 3.5 years (when I initially thought it would be a matter of weeks/months).  Aside from a couple of posts inspired by Lady Grey's blog, I pretty much stayed away from this part of myself.

As I've been reflecting, the person I know that I really let down was L.  We interacted a little bit in the past year and she is no longer active in D/s and I can tell that I really hurt her.  My withdraw was shitty and terrible and I am aware of this. 

On the off chance that you end up reading this, L, I'm so very sorry.  I have no reasonable excuse and I don't expect forgiveness, I just know my abandoning things was wrong and none of it was your fault.  It was purely my fault, I was an asshole, and I am sorry. 

Breaking Limits

Chronicling the events of Reflection 2d/2e, and 5b made me realize the exact events and moments where a certain feeling surfaced.  Each time this happened that feeling was at the root of reshaping me as a sub and what drove my subspace in their aftermath.

One of the first assignments I was given by K was to make lists of hard and soft limits.  This was a fairly standard BDSM practice and designed to give a sub an idea of how far they were willing to go, and to provide a Domme with a list of things that should be treated with care or avoided altogether.

For those who are unfamiliar with the terms, hard limits are rules that are never to be broken.  Doing so would constitute a major violation of trust and be reasonable grounds for termination of a D/s relationship.  New subs tend to have many hard limits.  Veteran subs generally still have a few.  Hard limits are designed to protect the sub when they wouldn't otherwise be able to protect themselves. In the BDSM community, the difference between sub and slave is often measured by the fact that slaves are not permitted any limits, and to enter that role implies this. 

Most hard limits are common sense. Others are implicit of psychological boundaries that you can't fathom being broken.
A few from my list:
-Nothing illegal (common sense)
-No children (common sense)
-No sexual contact with animals (psychological boundary)
-No sexual contact with men (psychological boundary)

Soft limits are a lot less strict.  They provide an idea of what the sub psychologically may not be able to handle but they also won't land them in a psyche ward.  If these are to be broken, it is meant to be with care and trust. The general process is to push these limits little by little, gradually expanding the sub's experiences and ability to cope with the next step. 

If you look at a sub's level of resistance to something from least strongly to most strongly you can see where the limits fall:
-I don't want to.
-I really don't want to.
-I really don't want to and will resist it. (soft limit)
-I won't.  (hard limits start here)
-I can't. (all hard limits)

When limits have been committed to paper or admitted verbally, this creates a psychological resistance point in a sub's mind.  A Domme can use these as a tool.  The threat of a broken limit, whether real or joking, will trigger that psychological resistance and the ensuing fear creates agitation.  I believe this is what is happening in many cases when a Domme refers to keeping a sub "off balance."

If a limit gets truly pressed, the sub's resistance will build and they will inevitably feel desperate as this line is approached.  This is the first line of defense.  Frantic breathing, increased heart rate and blood pressure, nervous sweats, fidgeting, etc. are signs of this.  This is the process where a sub has yet to accept an event's inevitability.  You can think of it as an "I won't I won't I won't... okay fine..." progression battle inside of them.  The psychological surrender yields acceptance of the situation but the fear and confusion remains.

The second line of defense occurs at the actual experience.  While they are no longer fighting it, the sub's mind still holds onto hope and denial... that this really isn't going to happen.  During their first experience of the event the limit is still intact.  Their inner voice may be screaming "Make it stop make it stop make it stop make it stop," while their bodies go along with it (or are forced to go along with it).  I feel the true breaking of the limit happens after the event.  Once you've now done it, you know that you can. This is the new truth.  It will never be undone. You survived it, so it is possible.  This is the new you.

The easiest example from my Reflections is from 5b.  My "nothing up the butt" hard limit had been in place since my first list.  I overcame the majority of the psychological limit in order to save our relationship but it managed to resurface as soon as I felt her touch my ass.  The actual pain from the experience was mostly psychological as my defense wall was torn down.  I continued to weep after she stopped, knowing that I was now something different... I was now a submissive that would get pegged and I would never be the same.   

Looking at 2e and 2f it's interesting since I now see that I actually had 2 limits broken that I had originally thought was one.  The first limit was that I didn't want to like the feel of women's clothes.  K plowed through the psychological barriers by turning it into a question of making her happy, but she took her time solidifying it, starting initially with some basic associations: dressing how she wanted me to = good, disobeying = bad and it will still lead to being dressed how she wanted it.

The second limit is that I didn't want to be a sissy. A lot of this was rooted in the negative connotations involved with the term, but they were strong deterrents.  K broke the psychological resistance with fear of punishment and my required obedience.  The shopping trip created more associations for both limits with her on-phone dialogues: a man shopping for women's clothes to wear should be super embarrassing and shameful.

The post-shopping trip events of 2f ended up including the events that ended up shattering both limits.

When K goaded me into saying "I'm a sissy slave," that made the words true.  It became a part of my submissive self-definition.   Once I said it, I was now a sissy.  That limit was gone.  As K had me masturbate until I ejaculated, that broke the first limit.  I had just gotten off while wearing women's clothes and looking in the mirror, so I must like them (or I wouldn't have been able to get off).  That was the undeniable truth that caused another limit to crumble.  

Something of note that these experiences have taught me is to exercise great care in how limits are broken.  The event itself is traumatic and will create a snapshot of environmental associations when the sub's psychological barriers are broken, and when the limit is finally broken in the aftermath.  If there are any positive associations they are now fuel for increase fantasy and fetish development.

In my cases, feeling violated = happy Mistress and being humiliated as a sissy = orgasm + happy Mistress.