It has taken quite a while but I'm finally starting to crack the fundamental differences in point of view that has caused me quite a few communication difficulties over the years.
The main difficulty seems to be with the view of submission.
It is very common for me to read the view that submission should be "freely given." This is often accompanied by views that service should be happy and willing. It is also frequently accompanied by views that service that is goaded in any way is less true or pure.
I get this on some levels. I believe freely given represents consent. No one is forcing you to submit. If you aren't ready, willing, and able to serve, being a submissive isn't really the life for you.
What doesn't sit so well with me is that submissive mental space (subspace), isn't really considered.
The common stance is that most Dommes do not want a doormat. They want an intelligent and charismatic sub with a good personality, sense of humor, and able to function autonomously. This sub should have opinions, thoughts, preferences, and desires.
The problem I find is the lack of value given to subspace. If a person is willing to defer at any time and bury their thoughts and opinions... doesn't that make them a doormat?
The way I look at it is that submissives have two sides to their personalities:
1. Their vanilla self.
2. Their submissive self.
Their vanilla self is who they are at work, in public, in the presence of strangers or outsiders, and the like. This is where the sub's standard personality shines through. Are they funny and charming? Are they interesting and intelligent? Are they thoughtful and polite? Are they competent and responsible?
Honestly, to be seen as a decent life partner you generally have to be all of those things and more. How this works in a D/s dynamic is due to their submissive self that exists separate from their vanilla self. This divide is how highly motivated and successful people in the vanilla world end up being submissive behind closed doors. They shift gears. They shift states. They enter subspace. In subspace they have a completely different submissive persona that frequently is completely different from their vanilla self. Their subspace is generally linked to their sexuality and it becomes a need.
This is where the hangups often occur when I have written about it in the past. Some people are able to enter subspace easily. Others require a trigger. There is a misconception that a Domme has to act angry, shouting and cracking a whip for this to occur. This isn't so much the case. Often it can be a gesture, a ritual, a rule, or a singular act (e.g. kneeling and kissing her hand) that will trigger the switch within the person and shift them from their vanilla self to their submissive self.
Does this mean they are being goaded? Does this make their submission less pure? I don't think so. Just because someone currently does not feel submissive doesn't mean that they do not wish to make their Domme happy. But there is a difference. Willing is one thing. Excited is another. If their vanilla self is willing but triggering the switch will lead to them being excited to serve, is that a bad thing?
I know that in my day to day I end up often stressed, overworked, and underappreciated for much of the day. As much as I would like to, I still carry some of that baggage home with me from work. I feel like shit when I can't be the sub that I want to be. I want that trigger to happen to bring me into a better mental space. I realize that I get defensive on this topic because it triggers my insecurity about feeling lesser. Because of that I have trouble separating if my logic on this subject is true or more defensive. I don't know. Overall this is just how I see it.
Thursday, July 6, 2017
Individual Fantasies
Recently a couple of blogs I follow have made requests for readers to share their sexual fantasies in an effort to give some inspiration for ideas. I have found that at some point I stopped having sexual fantasies. That's not to say that I don't fantasize, but I no longer really have singular specific acts that I desire or wish to experience. I fantasize about life. A lifestyle.
For a while now I have come to believe that I only really respond sexually to subspace (submissive mental space). It is what I crave, what I yearn for, and what turns me on. I fantasize about a life that is capable of pushing me into subspace and has dynamics in place to keep me there. I fantasize about a life that may shift the depth of the subspace that I am in, but I never truly leave it.
Such a life doesn't have any singular act that becomes the focus of my fantasy. This life is a system of interwoven acts, expectations, and rules. It is an interactive creature of actions and reactions where both parties perform their part to keep it pleasurable and sustainable.
I do not think it is valuable to analyze one party within a vacuum. There is a continuous interplay of cause and effect and both parties are involved in performing actions and having reactions. We feed off of one another. The Domme feeds her Domspace from the actions of the sub. The sub feeds his subspace from the actions of the Domme.
I don't know if I should feel odd in feeling this way. I am starting to feel that I view things differently from most people.
For a while now I have come to believe that I only really respond sexually to subspace (submissive mental space). It is what I crave, what I yearn for, and what turns me on. I fantasize about a life that is capable of pushing me into subspace and has dynamics in place to keep me there. I fantasize about a life that may shift the depth of the subspace that I am in, but I never truly leave it.
Such a life doesn't have any singular act that becomes the focus of my fantasy. This life is a system of interwoven acts, expectations, and rules. It is an interactive creature of actions and reactions where both parties perform their part to keep it pleasurable and sustainable.
I do not think it is valuable to analyze one party within a vacuum. There is a continuous interplay of cause and effect and both parties are involved in performing actions and having reactions. We feed off of one another. The Domme feeds her Domspace from the actions of the sub. The sub feeds his subspace from the actions of the Domme.
I don't know if I should feel odd in feeling this way. I am starting to feel that I view things differently from most people.
Monday, July 3, 2017
Marginalized
The past couple of weeks I've been feeling, for lack of a better description, "dead inside." A series of events unfolded on the home front that once again have made my existence feel marginalized and taken for granted. This has been a recurring theme throughout the course of our relationship and first started happening at about the 5 month mark, almost 11 years ago. I'm not going to delve into the reasons that I have stayed as I have written about those more than I care to. And yes, I have communicated my feelings on this topic, which is the only reason that I have something "interesting enough" to write about today.
If I had to put forth a set of dynamics that would exist within my personal ideal fantasy life, a good number of them center around the idea of marginalizing my existence and provided services. The idea of using "please" and "thank you" actually detract from this and I would prefer them to remain absent. The idea of being told "good boy" or "good job" does the same.
If I exist to please her, then there are no singular acts that are praise-worthy or deserving of acknowledgment. The reward is that I justify my existence (and/or avoid consequences).
If I exist to please her and she accepts me, then in the role as her submissive my duty is to please her. She expects me to please her. I carry on under these expectations and if I meet them, I am simply performing my promised duty. Politeness and manners do not apply because we are not equals. She is my superior. I am her tool that performs tasks to meet her expectations.
However, there is one important factor that comes into play: appreciation on a macro level. She appreciates that I exist. She appreciates that I am hers. She appreciates that I love and adore her. That is something that must never be lost or forgotten.
Unfortunately many people in this modern technological era tend to take a lot of things for granted. In some cases they don't appreciate them until they are gone. In other cases they act like they are entitled to them. This is true about nearly any and every modern convenience I can think of. Indoor plumbing. Internet. Cars. Air conditioners. Etc. Just about any device that exists to make your life easier or provide you with entertainment/convenience is prone to being under-appreciated until it is gone.
Back when we were still actively practicing D/s this topic was a problem. She would lose sight of my value within the relationship and marginalize me in a bad way. She would focus upon every way that she found me lacking without ever weighing in on the ways she found me adequate or even pleasing. This wrecks me. Badly. I need to feel like someone would miss me if I was gone.
I appreciate having hot water before the hot water heater breaks down.
My sense of self-worth was decimated when I was a child. I feel the need to earn my worth. I need it to matter. I need to matter. Once again I find myself aching because of how easy it is to brush my existence to the wayside. It hurts.
If I had to put forth a set of dynamics that would exist within my personal ideal fantasy life, a good number of them center around the idea of marginalizing my existence and provided services. The idea of using "please" and "thank you" actually detract from this and I would prefer them to remain absent. The idea of being told "good boy" or "good job" does the same.
If I exist to please her, then there are no singular acts that are praise-worthy or deserving of acknowledgment. The reward is that I justify my existence (and/or avoid consequences).
If I exist to please her and she accepts me, then in the role as her submissive my duty is to please her. She expects me to please her. I carry on under these expectations and if I meet them, I am simply performing my promised duty. Politeness and manners do not apply because we are not equals. She is my superior. I am her tool that performs tasks to meet her expectations.
However, there is one important factor that comes into play: appreciation on a macro level. She appreciates that I exist. She appreciates that I am hers. She appreciates that I love and adore her. That is something that must never be lost or forgotten.
Unfortunately many people in this modern technological era tend to take a lot of things for granted. In some cases they don't appreciate them until they are gone. In other cases they act like they are entitled to them. This is true about nearly any and every modern convenience I can think of. Indoor plumbing. Internet. Cars. Air conditioners. Etc. Just about any device that exists to make your life easier or provide you with entertainment/convenience is prone to being under-appreciated until it is gone.
Back when we were still actively practicing D/s this topic was a problem. She would lose sight of my value within the relationship and marginalize me in a bad way. She would focus upon every way that she found me lacking without ever weighing in on the ways she found me adequate or even pleasing. This wrecks me. Badly. I need to feel like someone would miss me if I was gone.
I appreciate having hot water before the hot water heater breaks down.
My sense of self-worth was decimated when I was a child. I feel the need to earn my worth. I need it to matter. I need to matter. Once again I find myself aching because of how easy it is to brush my existence to the wayside. It hurts.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)