Saturday, January 7, 2017

Resuming fs01 soon

I will be resuming fs01 in the near future. 

Yesterday I sat down and was able to write well for the first time in a long time.  The ideas just came flowing in and I had to take notes to make sure I remembered to get everything in.  The end result was a 6000 word chapter that will likely kick off arc 8.

I still need to finish off the partially written chapter 55 and I will likely have another 2-3 chapters left in arc 7. 

The content of the post I made on the D/s endgame actually helped me quite a bit in this regards.  I was reaching a point where I couldn't really see a "next step" in order to evolve the story without reaching some form of outcome that I didn't really want to write.  Thankfully that blog entry was able to let me see what I have to avoid in order to steer clear and stay clear of that path.

I don't yet have a solid enough idea to carry an 8th arc, so the early chapters may have a "bonus chapter feel" as I continue to brainstorm ideas for where to go. 

The block is finally falling away... and it feels good.

Friday, January 6, 2017

Frustrations with single sub behavior

Here goes the long version of the post I started over a month ago and then deleted the "short version" that I wrote quickly the other night.

Disclaimer:  I'm really going to try to have this not sound like a rant but I don't have absolute confidence in my abilities to do so.

I've written a lot about courting in the BDSM/fetish/Femdom world over the years.  I've interacted with quite a few subs/individuals who asked for advice and my tips for courting a Domme still get linked to quite a bit.

I don't know what it is about single kink-oriented guys, but they can be quite infuriating.

I'm not sure how much of my own views are biased by the fact that I was someone that no one wanted for so many years.  Long stretches without positive prospects... being rejected repeatedly... it really shaped how I tend to view dating, love, courting, and the like.

I've never understood why a lot of guys have trouble with commitment.  It's one thing if they are in a relationship because of desperation.  The idea of not wanting to be tied down to something that you wouldn't have chosen unless it was the only option isn't necessarily a good one.  But why get into a relationship that you obviously don't like from the start? 

If the relationship is good, why is it hard to commit then?  Some idea that a lottery winning big breasted perfect 10 will pick you out of all the potential guys they could be with?  Some idea that you could be happier with someone who was "better" than who you are with?  Is that fair to the person you are with?  How good could something ever be if you don't love with your all?

Are there answers to these questions?  Sure... but most of them resemble words like "cowardice," "conceit," "selfishness," and the like.  This is bad enough in the vanilla dating realm where the available pool is roughly 50% men and 50% women.  I can't see how anyone would carry this over to Femdom and believe themselves to have the slightest bit of chance.

This past summer I found myself deeply frustrated with a couple of Dommes claiming there weren't more submissive men seeking Dommes than Dommes seeking subs.  This was so outside the realm of what I had thought most people accepted as common belief:  There are way the hell more single male subs than Dommes seeking subs and the only disagreements could be found over how bad the ratio actually was.

Had they added a caveat of say, "there aren't enough WORTHWHILE submissive men," I would probably have agreed with them whole-heartedly.  Single men in kink and fetish communities earn their bad rep.  The dick pics, the "texting on a 2001 cell phone" grammar, over rudeness and the like end up wearing and tearing on the psyche of pretty much any woman that comes in contact with it. 

In these communities, single women are a precious resource.  They are a jewel.  A treasure.  Something to be treated with absolute care and reverence.  Respect them and cherish them. 

Unfortunately the most common interactions are absolutely mind-boggling.  I can't even picture how it goes down. 
It could possibly be something like: 
Version A.  "I'm going to masturbate with one hand, type with the other, and try to jam my fetish down your throat.  That should impress you and you'll immediately fall in love with me, right?"

Version B.  "OMG an actual woman.  It is your job to pay attention to me and give me fodder to wank to.  This should impress you and you'll immediately fall in love with me, right?"

Version C.  "Look at how amazing my totally average dick is.  I'm sure looking at a penis gets you as turned on as I get when I look at boobs.  This should impress you and you'll immediately fall in love with me, right?"

Version D.  "I ate paint chips when I was a kid living in my house under those power lines.  Wanna go make out after I brush my tooth?"

Being that I am an actual submissive and have served fur-loving Dommes, this type of thing has given trouble to me as well.  "Send me a pic of her naked in a fur coat."  "Umm, no?"  "give me her name so I can look her up on facebook then."  "Seriously?  no." 

If I listened to my inner voice I would be asking for their mother's name so I can find her on facebook and go off on her for wasting a perfectly good sperm and egg.

Moving on and looking at sub's that have actual potential... I found a bit of a disturbing trend.  I don't know if this is recent or not but it seems in the past year there has been a trend with subs ghosting Dommes that have shown interest in them.  If you aren't familiar with the term... it's basically abruptly terminating contact and vanishing with no explanation.  I despise when people break off contact with no reason in general.  It doesn't matter if it's dating or not.  I just think that kind of thing is weak. 

"They should get the hint" is the most cowardly line.  It's even worse when people think they are being kinder by doing that.  Kind is ripping the band-aid off instead of letting them suffer as it's peeled off slowly.  "I just don't think that we are compatible."  "I found someone else."  etc.  Even if it's sugar-coated, it's still something. 

I think why hearing of this frustrates me so much is that when I have had a Domme take interest in me... it was such an ecstatic feeling.  I'm not used to feeling desired.  Being chosen is one of the greatest feelings in the world.  If someone could bail so easily... they are not giving the honor its proper respect... not respecting the person behind it. 

If there's any value in the fact that I spent much of my life feeling unloved, unattractive, and unwanted, it's that I would never do that kind of shit... If anything, I'm prone to going too far in the other direction.  I can be too thankful, too grateful, too attentive where it might be perceived oddly early on.  In any case, I just get excited... because it's exciting to feel that good.

Real life poses its own challenges.  I can understand why someone might hesitate to getting into a Femdom relationship for the first time... but ideally... wouldn't you have thought about that BEFORE you started looking?  Or did the one-hand-on-dick typing method take over?  Or is it one of the reasons why men fear commitment in general?  People take things for granted too easily.

Lady Grey's most recent post actually gives another example.  I can't read about David and think... dude... why?  Why are you willing to fuck up your relationship by just going dark for the day?  If you're too scared and can't handle it... just say that.  In what world is not responding a better choice than just admitting weakness?   Admitting you are weak shows more strength. 

I don't really have a point with this post, but I do have some parting words I would like to add:

-To all the patient Dommes out there that are seeking the right sub: You are a beautiful treasure and never let anyone make you feel otherwise.

-To all the good male subs out there that represent us in a positive light: Steer the course, brothers.

-To all the douchey male subs out there:  Please do not reproduce.  The world sucks enough as it is without future generations of you running around.

Pain vs. Discomfort

This one had been in the works for a while... I posted a "quickie" version of it but then deleted it.

Here is the rewritten version.

While both of these fall under the umbrella of "suffering," I've always felt that the ideas of pain and discomfort tend to reach people in entirely different ways.

Pain is often the major focus of BDSM, it's consensual nature often being simplified to:  The dominant wishes to inflict pain and the submissive wishes to receive pain.  This is a symbiotic relationship of mutual desires that make everything okay.  Wanting to inflict pain doesn't make you a sadist... just kinky.  Wanting to receive pain does make you a masochist, but that's okay too.  It's almost like pain has been compartmentalized to where it isn't really suffering.

When I interact with those from the BDSM community I frequently find that we hit communication blocks that seem to revolve around this idea.  Pain is fine.  Think about suffering as a whole... and everything goes off the track. 

To make someone suffer is seen as evil because while someone may want pain, no one truly craves suffering do they?

As a whole, I find that many dominants do not embrace their sadistic sides because of moral hangups with those views.  While I might agree that people don't truly wish for suffering... I know in my own case, I wish to be dis-empowered to the extent that I could be made to suffer.  That is part of the root nature of my subspace and what drives much of what I seek.  To submit to an authority with the power to control whether I suffer or not... if I am rewarded or punished.

I do not seek pain.

Pain in general is interesting when you view it as a concept.  Pain is temporary.  Pain can be blocked out or ignored.  An athlete may "play through the pain."  An alcoholic may "drink through the pain."  With enough force of will you can detach the mind from pain... you may sense its existence but not experience its brunt force in the same way.

I do not seek pain... but I am adept at handling pain. 

By contrast, discomfort is constant.  Discomfort goes on and on, slowing the passage of time... stretching out the experience in a bad way.  While those with extensive mental strength may be able to conquer discomfort in a similar way to overcoming pain, it's a lot more difficult with each nagging instant reminding you of it.

When a dominant seeks to inflict discomfort, I see a gateway to their sadistic nature shining through as clear as day.  Unlike pain, which can often be driven purely by the act and stops the moment the act ceases, the desire to inflict discomfort involves enjoyment of the idea that even as a passive spectator, the predicament continuously inflicts suffering.  "One small choice that doesn't affect me in the slightest and your existence will be hell for ."

This is where I definitely cannot relate to a sadistic mind.  While I can come up with ideas and methods for discomfort, I gain no enjoyment from the idea of putting someone through it.  If you think about how this pertains to real life situations, it actually gives me a lot more trust for sadistic dominants than say... a judge.  A judge makes one decision on their own that drastically affects the rest of someone's life.  Are they able to sleep at night feeling fully confident that it was a "fair" ruling?  Is it out of sight and out of mind once it's over?  Do they actually get off from having the power to do that?

At least when dealing with a sadistic Domme you never have to wonder.

I also get a little bit disturbed when decisions are made like... let's put a prison in a horrible hot and humid wasteland so that every day is horribly uncomfortable... or let's put the gulag in Siberia.  One small choice that doesn't affect them... but will make your existence hell for .  Is this actual rationale?  Or are they actually a sadist?

I do not deal well with discomfort.  If given the choice between never having another orgasm or sleeping in 100 degree 90% humidity weather without air conditioning, I'd probably give up the orgasms.

That being said, I crave to be powerless before a sadistic mind.  Those sadistic Dommes that naturally impulse that one small choice... are just beautiful. 

Tuesday, January 3, 2017

Fur and bondage

I'm not going to lie but the past few weeks have started to open up that ache again.  T has made it clear that she isn't interested in anything sexual for the time being so life just rolls on... living fantasies in my mind and hoping for something more.

Doing some digging has shown me that there are finally some stores out there making fur-related bondage gear again.  ~10 years ago there was a company called Touch of Fur that seemingly vanished for a good number of years but some recent internet digs have shown some of their designs appearing again.  I'm not sure if it's the same group or not, but I have to say that I'm just excited that there are more options out there.

A brief bit of bondage history from me...

Back in the day (it makes me feel old to say that) there weren't a lot of options on this front.  The communities that would go on to mix and mesh fetishes together weren't really flourishing yet and it wasn't really known that there would be significant demand for certain types of items.  Sinvention was the original manufacturer of the only restraints that were lined with faux fur.  The downside is that they were rather pricey for what they were.  Not knowing any better, we ordered a full set of wrist/ankle/collar from extremerestraints of what we thought were the Sinvention item only to learn later that XR had supposedly stolen the design and picture and were having them manufactured to much lower quality specs.  They were functional but not very comfortable and there was never enough of a desire to spend additional money to get those.

A couple of years later, we ended up finding a manufacturer that had the first readily available fur-lined leather locking restraints that we had found.  That store is still around and the item can be seen here:  Midnight Blue's

These restraints are very comfortable, high quality, and have locking buckles.  Unfortunately, they do not have a matching collar.  T originally had them custom make a collar for me but when they made the collar based off of my neck measurement they didn't compensate for the reduced circumference caused by the fur lining and it ended up too small.  When we contacted them about having another made they were no longer doing custom orders of that nature.

A week or two ago someone shared a link to this with me from Etsy:  Mink slave collar

This spurred on my interest a bit but I was fairly disappointed that the collar is also too small for my neck.  The description caught my eye as well:
"Stainless Steel Slave Collar wrapped in Genuine Mink. Available with Mink only on front, for the feel of cold steel combined with velvety mink
Wrapped completely in Mink for control with comfort."

That ends up speaking quite a bit to my fetish subspace... just in case it's too comfortable, we have a less comfortable option.

My quest to see if there was in fact a fur collar available now led me to:

I was actually quite excited to find this site.  They have collars, restraints, and a lot of the old flogger/crop/paddle designs that Touch of Fur used to offer.  They also have fur-covered steel shackles, fur nipple clamps, etc. 

They also have fur handcuff covers, something I hadn't been able to find since the ToF days.  Unfortunately the leather collar does not have a locking buckle. 

An odd sidetrack story but we used to have 2 sets of fur handcuff covers, one set of pink fur and one of white fur.  Several living arrangements ago my apartment had a flood caused by an upstairs neighbor.  I was across the city and it was rush hour so when they called me to say there was a water leak I wasn't too concerned... until they called me back and told me to get there ASAP.  Much to my surprise the apartment manager had done me the "favor" of moving things out of my closet... which happens to be where tons of sex toys and bondage gear was stashed away.  When I got there nothing was mentioned but a while later when everything got sorted out I realized that someone had stolen the white fur handcuffs in that process. 

I guess overall I would have to say that I'm excited that there are more available for bondage accessories than any time I can remember.  The downside is that all of the steel items are all too small for me.  My wrists are too big for the wrist shackles, my ankles are too big for the ankle shackles, and my neck is too big for the collars.  It's kind of a kick in the balls.

If anyone has any other spots online where they have this kind of gear and would like to share it, I would much appreciate it. 

The past year

Just a random spew of reflections here...

In this past year I revealed more about myself in this blog than I had ever thought possible.  I had always planned to keep this as more of an "idea" blog but I am happy that Lady Grey suggested that I try writing things that were a bit more personal.  That spurred on an incredible burst of writing on my part... some of it good, some of it not so good, but everything kept flowing.  In hindsight I probably should have spaced the posts out or scheduled them to go live, etc. but at the same time my feelings were shifting around so rapidly it probably wouldn't have felt right to have them show up out of context.

It does feel a bit strange to have dangled out there the great mess that I call my brain.  On some levels I suppose I had wished to present a more ideal and less neurotic version of myself, but I don't regret putting it all out there. 

I did want to put a thank you out there to everyone that has supported me over the years and I am glad to have gotten to know you. 

The D/s Endgame

I have had a handful of discussions this past year in regards to the long-run outcome of Femdom D/s relationships, something I refer to as the D/s endgame. 

As I can't really envision myself mentally as a Dominant in the long-run I have trouble trying to project the process.  In lieu of that, I will be working from what I have; namely, D/s couples I have known in real life as well as the shared experiences of others from various blogs and places on the internet.

M/f relationships also seem to follow a slightly different trend so I will be focusing upon F/m dynamics.

I take the following assumptions as a given when it comes to Femdom:
1. D/s relationships must always progress or they will grow stale.
2. The Dominant is almost entirely responsible for the direction the relationship travels.

If you are familiar with calculus, there is a good chance you have at some point encountered a problem along the lines of:  find the limit as x approaches infinity or find the limit as x approaches 0.
I tend to view the endgame of D/s as something similar.  There is a point where you have pushed as far as you can (or care to) go and there really can't be anything beyond that point while still classifying what you have as a relationship. 

So just what happens as time approaches infinity?

If we focus upon lifestyle D/s Femdom relationships, there two variables that determine a good bit of where things start and how things progress.
A. How much real-life experience does the Domme have with D/s before the relationship started?  (little/none vs. moderate/extensive).
B. How much real-life experience does the submissive have with D/s before the relationship started?  (little/none vs. moderate/extensive).

Out of these, I find the Domme's real-life experiences more strongly affects the starting point and progression of the relationship, mostly because the speed of progression heavily relies upon if the Domme has fully embraced her dominant side (e.g. doesn't feel guilty for wanting it) and how much trial and error she has done in the past to find out what she likes and doesn't like.  Those past experiences will often steer a relationship clear of certain paths and may intentionally place limits upon where certain activities can go.

For the sake of needlessly classifying things, I have created a series of levels that relationships tend to pass through as time moves on.  Moving to the next level usually requires a deeper state of trust, the submissive to be vulnerable enough to accept new dynamics, and the Domme to have the desire to push the dynamics farther.  I will assume that this process happens with consent from both parties, although it may reach a state of consensual non-consent at some point.

Level 1:
-Light bondage.
-Mild orgasm control.
-Light body worship.
-Mild corporal punishment.
-Mild protocols/dynamics.

Level 2:
-Heavy bondage.
-Mild use of gags/blindfolds.
-Full orgasm control/denial.
-Full pampering and body worship.
-Moderate corporal punishment.
-Moderate protocols/dynamics/rituals.

Level 3:
-Enforced chastity.
-Ruined orgasms.
-Complete focus on her needs.
-Mild to moderate humiliation.
-Domestic service.
-Multi-level punishments (physical, emotional, sexual).
-Strict protocols/dynamics/rituals.
-Mild anal play.
-Mild discomfort/predicament bondage.
-Sensory deprivation.

Level 4:
-Strict orgasm denial.
-Moderate to extensive humiliation (e.g. CFNM, feminization, etc.).
-Full responsibility of domestic duties, chores, yardwork, cooking, etc.
-Extreme humiliation (exposure to others, photographs, etc.).
-Extreme corporal punishment.
-Intense discomfort/predicament bondage.
-Switching to a poly where the original sub remains the primary.

Level 5:
-Switching to a poly where the sub loses his status as the primary.

Some may disagree with the levels as I have laid them out and I will admit that they are biased a bit for my own fears/experiences/beliefs, but I'd like to think that they probably aren't off by more than one level in either direction.  I also know that many relationships will not reach levels 4 or 5. 

I also tend to believe that if a sub is willing to progress to stage 3 he can likely be broken over time to accept stage 4.  Similarly, I would believe that a sub at stage 4 could be sufficiently broken to accept stage 5, even if it is with resistance and rooted mostly in consensual non-consent.  From my own experiences, with enough pressure, anguish, and time, it is hard to cling to the idea of a hard limit once she points out that the sub is being selfish and that the sub's role is to bring her pleasure. 

If the limits to the relationship are not determined by the sub's wishes, it means they must happen due to the Domme.  What then has to happen in order to advance each stage?  I find the progression to be fascinating as it seems that different factors come into play at each level.

For passing through levels 1 and 2, it looks like it is mostly rooted in the Domme's confidence and desire to experience new things.  Reaching stage 3 requires her to embrace the idea of control and I believe this probably runs parallel to her feeling deserving of it... that is, she desires and believes that she deserves that much control over him.  I find this mindset is a bit daunting one for newer Dommes so I believe that time and repeated positive experiences are required to feed those feelings.

The progression from stage 3 to 4 is significantly different as it requires a fundamental shift in her belief structure.  This is quite complicated and starts to differ greatly from person to person.  If I try to summarize a few different perspectives, they might look something like this:
-She sees herself as superior and him as inferior.
-She sees herself as deserving and capable of doing this and believes it is his deeper desire to be pushed this way.
-She likes it and wants to do it and she should not be denied her wishes regardless of his feelings.
-She wants to try it and "no" is just 20 swats with the cane away from being "yes."  

If commonalities emerge, they are along the lines of:
1.  She emerges with an elevated sense of entitlement. 
2.  His feelings are either unimportant or inaccurate (he wants it, he just doesn't know it yet).
3.  The dynamics become part of a larger system that will confuse his psyche.

To elaborate on #3, I believe that at a certain point and with enough training/conditioning, a sub can no longer give an honest "no."  While sufficiently deep into subspace, the idea of her getting what she wants and being maximally happy begins to outweigh any of our personal desires.  Even if it's logical for us to say no, it feels petty and selfish to value our own over her desires... so after it tears us apart inside... we say "yes."  

I'm not exactly sure how things move from level 4 to level 5.  I believe one possible root is what I wrote about in the previous paragraph.  If a sub can no longer say no, can he truly speak his mind?  Is he still worthy of being called a man?  His will has become her will.  His resolve is to her will.  While some Dommes might see this as the ultimate form of devotion, I think for some Dommes, they no longer love the sub in the same way.  A big part of any relationship is respect for the other.  What happens if she loses respect for him as a man?

I believe the progression of the last stage... the endgame... probably stems from this.  The companion she loved for years is gone and in his place falls a devoted domestic servant, a sex toy, and a whipping boy.  She may care for him deeply, care that he is fulfilled and healthy, but at that point is he worthy of her? 

If this is the case and how things go, I can understand a bit more how certain aspects of level 5 may come about.  She seeks another companion... someone she can respect.  She seeks an upgrade.  A man she can go out and have a good time with.  He is more handsome, has a larger penis, etc.  The sub is now so lowly that is role is to suck the other man's cum from her vagina while serving them both... possibly being used in other ways as well. 

I can see how after respect is gone that she merely sees him as an object and is okay with treating him like property.

I can see how she might prefer to have three subs so that a sub can suck a toe on each of her feet while the third sub licks her sex.  If the original gets jealous, does it matter? 

As I finish writing this I think I finally realize what the true limiter that many Dommes put on themselves that prevent a D/s relationship from passing beyond a certain point.  It is not the limit of an act or a role... but the limit that they do not wish to lose respect for the man they love.  This in turn seems to naturally prevent the level 4 to 5 progression from happening.  Interesting stuff.

It is good to know that stage 5 isn't the inevitable outcome. 

Sunday, January 1, 2017

A new year

A lot of things changed for me in 2016 and unfortunately I ended up falling out of writing during the final 3 months after maintaining such a torrid pace for much of the year.

I don't believe in New Year's resolutions... I think that we either decide to change or we don't... we do something differently or we don't.  Too much can change for me to ever believe in making a choice because of a resolution.  If it was that important, I should have already done it :)

I've tried to write a few posts over the past few weeks and deleted them or left them as unpublished drafts 3/4ths of the way done.  I find that when I don't really have something to say the writing quality deteriorates badly when I just write to write.

I do want to write... but I actually just wish I felt good enough in my head to have something to say.

I do have plans to get back to fs01 but I may write out what happens after the current arc before returning and finishing up the birthday party.  I'm stuck at a bit of an impasse at the moment as I've reached a point where I feel things "should" be pushed a bit further or changed up.  I'm not sure yet where I would like to go.  I do have to say that my birthday this year managed to throw me off balance and the result was a change in how I approached each day.  My focus drifted and everything internet-based just slid to the background.

A little random blurb that stands out from this past year...

When I was in my teens I was huge into music.  I was playing in multiple bands, going to 100+ concerts a year, and really, music was my only true emotional outlet.  I tended to stay on the forefront of my favorite genres, digging up "the next big thing" months before they were the next big thing.

Something I find interesting about music is that the "when" and the "how" is often very important in what we choose to like and love.  Internet hindsight has become shockingly "correct" in regards to having an appropriate opinion of a band now no matter how wrong everyone was "back then."  e.g. a small underground band that pushed the forefront of a genre may have had only hundreds of fans back in 1998, but through today's eyes there is a widespread acceptance of their place in that genre's history with 100x as many followers now that they are long gone. 

I also find that with certain albums, you "had to be there" to really grasp what it meant and felt... at the time... to be 17 and confused... hearing something express your personal feelings better than you ever could.  It just doesn't have the same impact on me 20 years later.

It's sort of funny that this past year I really discovered a band "for real" that I have had albums of since 1998 or so.  I realize that with what they brought to the table on the sonic spectrum they just found me at the wrong time.  2-4 years earlier and I probably would have loved them, but by the time they were contemporary I had already moved into things that were more complicated musically.  That band was the Alkaline Trio.  I don't love most of their songs and I have had them on my ipod for years but after having a trusted friend of mine talk them up to me, I started paying more attention when they would show up randomly on shuffle.  What I can say is that I always find a gem or two that I wish I had really paid attention to... in say, 1998.  Mostly... I would have to say that they sort of capture the sense of depression that resonated so deeply within me during that era.

When I hear the songs now, I think back and feel like "wow, I wish I would have had this then."  But alas, it is only in hindsight where I can see just how it could have impacted me then but did not.  On the upside, it makes me feel young enough to still be surprised.  (I shared a cover of one of their songs a few months ago).

I hope you all had a good and safe holiday.