Something has puzzled me a lot over the years.
When pleasure or privileges are denied to me or withheld from me it tends to push me into a deeper subspace. In turn, that deep subspace arouses me, grants my soul peace, and increases my focus and attention on her (this makes me feel like I am being a good sub).
For simplicity's sake I will use an orgasm as an example, but this pertains to more situations than just sexual activity.
-When I am teased and denied my submission tends to grow along with my sexual frustration.
-As my submission increases, my arousal increases, causing my sexual frustration to increase at a greater rate. -When sexual frustration reaches a high level I become agitated and desperate.
-In a desperate state further denial greatly increases my submission.
-Eventually everything spirals down to where I feel completely and totally owned.
-Feeling totally owned increases my arousal level pushing me to deeper and deeper levels of submission, love, and devotion.
Usually during play, it is well after I have reached this state when I am granted permission to orgasm. But... after hours (or days) of whimpering and begging, when she says "you can cum now," all of a sudden it feels so wrong to do so. It feels so wrong to want that. It feels like I just "pulled a fast one" on her and tricked her into getting my way (even though that wasn't the case). Even if I have "earned it," I'm stuck so deep in subspace that it just doesn't feel right emotionally to cum, especially when I know that my subspace will crash down around it.
It doesn't make a lot of sense to me and it makes me feel a bit crazy. Taking pleasure in being denied pleasure and feeling bad when granted pleasure just seems very oxymoronic to me.
This might be getting to choose your favorite meal or restaurant (instead of her's), being given a night off from normal chores/duties, being given a special treat/gift that means she will miss out on something she will enjoy, etc.
Can anyone relate to this or am I just crazy?