Wednesday, June 30, 2010

The sinking feeling of "Yes"

Something has puzzled me a lot over the years.

When pleasure or privileges are denied to me or withheld from me it tends to push me into a deeper subspace.  In turn, that deep subspace arouses me, grants my soul peace, and increases my focus and attention on her (this makes me feel like I am being a good sub).   

For simplicity's sake I will use an orgasm as an example, but this pertains to more situations than just sexual activity.

-When I am teased and denied my submission tends to grow along with my sexual frustration. 
-As my submission increases, my arousal increases, causing my sexual frustration to increase at a greater rate.  -When sexual frustration reaches a high level I become agitated and desperate.
-In a desperate state further denial greatly increases my submission.
-Eventually everything spirals down to where I feel completely and totally owned.
-Feeling totally owned increases my arousal level pushing me to deeper and deeper levels of submission, love, and devotion.

Usually during play, it is well after I have reached this state when I am granted permission to orgasm.  But... after hours (or days) of whimpering and begging, when she says "you can cum now," all of a sudden it feels so wrong to do so.  It feels so wrong to want that.  It feels like I just "pulled a fast one" on her and tricked her into getting my way (even though that wasn't the case).  Even if I have "earned it," I'm stuck so deep in subspace that it just doesn't feel right emotionally to cum, especially when I know that my subspace will crash down around it.

It doesn't make a lot of sense to me and it makes me feel a bit crazy.  Taking pleasure in being denied pleasure and feeling bad when granted pleasure just seems very oxymoronic to me.

This might be getting to choose your favorite meal or restaurant (instead of her's), being given a night off from normal chores/duties, being given a special treat/gift that means she will miss out on something she will enjoy, etc.

Can anyone relate to this or am I just crazy?


  1. So here's your problem:

    "It doesn't make a lot of sense to me and it makes me feel a bit crazy. Taking pleasure in being denied pleasure and feeling bad when granted pleasure just seems very oxymoronic to me."

    I think you understand the attraction of being denied pleasure. What confuses you is the fact that when pleasure is ultimately granted, you feel disappointed.

    I think it's perfectly underestandable, Fur. You are a natural sub who finds his greatest enjoyment in being denied. It gets you into the deepest of subspaces. So why would it surprise you that it's a letdown when you're no longer being denied? The DENIAL is the thing, not any reward that comes afterward.

    In the best of all possible worlds for you, the deep subspace would always be there. Since that's pretty much impossible in real life, you're doomed to the disappointment of "reward". Just consider it one more way to suffer for your Mistress - especially if she knows that reward is a painful anticlimax for you, and gleefully grants the reward and the suffering that comes with it. We're talking high level Domdom now - wouldn't that be nice?!?

  2. Thank you very much for the comments, Lady Grey.

    My confusion is mostly at feeling let down when pleasure is granted (but I still confuse myself a bit by harboring such a deep enjoyment at being denied pleasure).

    I will try to think of it as suffering :)

    The problem is, when my selfish man-ego roars its ugly head it's hard to feel that way sometimes. I know I will enjoy the orgasm and I crave the orgasm, but at the same time I hate the thought of being permitted the orgasm. I will exert my willpower and try to see it as a continuation of suffering.

    I haven't found very many subs I could relate to on this and this isn't the first time I have been called a natural sub. I guess in a way I write a lot here about these things since I feel a bit isolated in my feelings.

  3. I have only been denied by hypnodommes' mp3s, but when their mp3s instruct me to cum, I too am very reluctant to do so. Part of it is to do with my long recovery time afterward, since my sex-drive is relatively weak (for various reasons). The rest is, though, I think, the deeply satisfying horniness of denial - as Lady Grey says, the denial itself is the reward.


  4. I'm glad you understand that Jan.

    Thanks for writing.