Monday, October 11, 2010

Adjusting Our Arrangement

As I wrote a couple of posts ago, Mistress and I  have been going through some hard times on a relationship level. The fire hadn't been burning for quite some time.  After several discussions and a few arguments that almost led to us breaking up in the past week, we were finally able to communicate a bit and reach some common ground and understanding, and the spark managed to relight a bit.

We went out shopping and when we returned Mistress put on the sweater I got for her last X-mas and jumped my bones.  I fell into a pretty hard subspace and in that state I fell into the person that she has wanted me to be (and she let me know that).  Then I tried to talk about things, honestly, from my submissive state.

While we have been together for several years, I have a few more years worth of BDSM experience having served several Mistresses in the past before I met her.  She was rather new when we met and she doesn't have a large repository of experiences with other subs to draw from in terms of techniques or continuous lifestyle dominance.  She has tried a few things in the past that didn't work very well and they seemed to have shattered her confidence to the point where she was unwilling to do much or say much about her needs.  The reason I'm mentioning this now is because it will hopefully clarify a bit what happened next.

When we started to talk it became abundantly clear that she sought out ways to make me be this way more consistently.  I had been craving this subspace for what felt like months and I did what my gut told me to do, which was to lay out a road map to help guide her.  This was received and appreciated by her.  I know it was pretty much topping from the bottom, but at the same time it was what she wanted me to do:  open up and tell her what things put me and kept me in subspace. 

I was intoxicated with the moment, my love for her, and the submissive feelings that I crave so much that I just started to say some things even though I knew in my head I will likely regret many of the things I told her.

1.  Do not pay any attention to my penis during play.  While I get very aroused during play and enjoy having sexual pleasure, once I hit a certain level of arousal it tends to cloud my head and my priority becomes finding a way to climax more than pleasuring her.  While my orgasms always wait until after hers, over the past year or so, she has started to tease my cock too early into the play session for me to remain in a state that is dominated by submission rather than arousal.  My advice was to ignore my cock (or even lock it up in chastity) and to focus on her own things.  If she caught me playing with myself at all during play I told her to flip me over and spank me (which is something she really enjoys doing). 

2.  Play shouldn't always end with my orgasm.  I shouldn't orgasm during play.  Post orgasm I go into the standard exhausted/selfish state that men are prone to.  If she wants me to be more affectionate after play I just shouldn't orgasm.  During the times that we are very sexually active I tend to have problems with plumbing backups that lead to blue balls/pain.  My orgasms should be used only ease that state or prevent it from becoming too painful.  I also asked her to come up with some form of ritual or circumstances in order to make my orgasms a shameful experience (which is more likely to avoid sub drop in its aftermath).

I had reached a state of swollen discomfort by the time I had made her orgasm a dozen times or so, so she did allow me to orgasm afterward.  She had me wear a pink hat with a fur pom pom and had me masturbate into the toilet while she twisted my nipples.  About two minutes after orgasm it donned on me what I had told her and I was thinking "I don't think I really want that."  It's weird, because deep down I do know I really want that, but I also don't want it. 

I realize now that I hadn't talked about those ideas before even though I knew my submissive side wanted them.  Usually I would hit such an aroused state where it went beyond the point of submission and I really wanted to cum. 

In my previous relationships this wasn't as much of an issue since they were a bit more well-versed in lifestyle dominance and most days were kept full of surprises and kink.  I shouldn't really try to over-think it I guess, just see how things go and try to work from there.


  1. Well, Fur, you've managed to confuse me a bit, too. That hemming and hawing, and hemmimg again about your masturbation/nipple twisting session has got me wondering what's going on. I'd imagine your partner is wondering just what it is that you want as well.

    It sounds as though your needs are way beyond her ability to satisfy them without a great deal of coaching - and I know you don't want to have to do that. Nor, as a sub, should you be scripting the scene.

    Can you just accept that it's all about her and not at all about you, or is that just a pipedream for you? Many subs spout that concept, but few can really put it into practice without a very experienced and self assured Dom in charge. Your current partner doesn't seem to be in that category. You're either going to have to be very, very patient and expose her to the writings of more experienced Doms in the hope that it rubs off on her, or I'm afraid your frustration will continue. Wish I could be more positive.

  2. I understand precisely where you're coming from, hon, and sympathise 100%

    I'm in a similar situation where my Wife/Mistress is learning her way around dominating a sissy. I long to be used and abused as nothing more than a sissy slut, to be dominated without a thought for my wants/needs, and it's really awkward to have her ask what I want, or to ask if something is OK. I crave her pleasure, the demand to worship at the feet of her sex, with no regard for my own little clit.

    All I can recommend is patience. My Wife/Mistress has come a long way in a very short period of time, and I love her for making the effort. She didn't know she married a sissy slut, and I'm sure it wasn't easy to discover that's what she had to deal with. She could have cast me out in disgust. Instead, she is working to understand, appreciate, and enjoy her role in my forcibly feminizing and dominating me.

    I've accepted the fact that she'll never be the 'perfect' professional Domme. However, I've already begun doing something Lady Grey mentioned above - exposing her to the writings of other Mistresses and other sissies. She seems more comfortable learning about new limits and new fetishes from a third-party (not sure if it's just safer for her, or whether it helps to distance her dominance from my needs), and it's brought us closer together.

    Here's to many happy years of service and submission for us both, hon!

  3. Thank you for the comments, Lady Grey, even if they aren't positive. I'm not quite sure what you meant by hemming and hawing (I usually equate this description as if it sounds like I'm bitching about something) when it's more that I'm a bit confused. I was hoping you would comment on my "Keeping the Wheels On" post as that is the deeper source of my current emotional conflict.

    I don't think it's so much my needs that are in question here, more so my expectations. Really what the problem boils down to is persistence and consistency.

    If she initiates some form of play and I don't respond in the way she wants (e.g. it doesn't give me an erection) she will get distraught and go say... 6 months without initiating any kinky intimacy. Basically, from a persistence standpoint, either ignore my needs/reactions and focus on hers needs or if she wants to keep caring about my reactions, to not give up the first time something doesn't go exactly as she expected it. We have talked about this over the course of our relationship and it hasn't really gone well when we discuss it.

    From a consistency aspect, to make it a bit more clear what she wants this relationship to be: for me to be a responsible decision-maker and father-figure to her son by day and submissive in the bedroom, or if she wants a more constant D/s dynamic the majority of the time. I feel like I'm pulled between these roles and emotionally punished by with-holding affection if I fail to be in the right mode for that moment. I am fine with either one as long as I know what I am supposed to be.

    It's the dependence "all about her" has on my reactions that has this being less clear than I would like it to be. From a completely honest viewpoint we are fairly dysfunctional and both carry our own shares of emotional baggage that can gum up the works now and then.

    This post was more of a "should I feel what I did was wrong or is it in our best interests?"

    I was with a very experienced Domme that could completely get into my head and meet all of my kink needs but we were only seeing each other 3-5 times a month and it wasn't enough for me emotionally. I would take the stability of a loving relationship over sporadic but intense sexual interaction.

    With my current relationship it is a bit awkward since we started out as friends and initially I was sort of a BDSM mentor to her (she was getting exploited by local Dommes who had offered to "mentor" her).

    I can say I have been feeling very down over the past week or so and that is affecting my thinking and writing.

  4. Dark Heathyr,

    Thank you for writing. I know patience is key and that is something I have been willing to have. The perfect pro isn't really what I'm looking for, more just some extra stability in day-to-day living. I appreciate the advice though.

  5. All in all I'm just feeling really sad right now and doing what I can to try and save things/steer them into a better direction. I'm having a hard time making sense of my emotions right now.

  6. The "hemming and hawing" referred to the two sentences you wrote beginning with "About two minutes..."

    I've just commented on your "Keeping the wheels on" post, though I doubt you'll enjoy it. I do hope that things straighten out for you, Fur.

  7. Thank you, Lady Grey. When I first wrote this post it was rooted in pure confusion and usually when I'm writing the post and get some thoughts down "on paper" I'm able to come to some closure point but with this post I really didn't understand what I was hoping to until now.

    A lot of it falls contingent upon whether or not it is acceptable for me to "coach" things along given the circumstances.

    As for what you are seeing as hemming and hawing, it's one of those cases where I have attempted to overcome my post-orgasmic sub drop that I have written about in the past. The only time that my submissive self doesn't betray itself is during feelings of deep love and submission. In an over-aroused state or post-orgasm I become a typical male, focused upon my own needs. This was sort of an interesting state for me to try to communicate in, where I knew I was being totally honest even though my baser instincts were screaming "what are you doing?!"

    I knew I had to remove my baser instincts in order to remain in a state that was most attentive to her needs.

    It's all about her definitely remains in my mind as an idea but I also know I'm far from being able to actualize that ideal.

    I am going to read the comments you have left on the other post. Thank you again.