Saturday, February 26, 2011

An Uphill Battle

Well... I tried my best to stave off the wave of depression that I could feel coming on for the past month or so but tonight it really set in.  I usually do a pretty good job of managing it but every so often things flare up in a bad way and now is one of those times.  It's kind of stupid actually, sitting here with all these terrible and negative thoughts and feelings swirling around in my head and I am fully aware that they are just my brain malfunctioning on a chemical level, but that doesn't make them go away nor keep them from stealing the joy from my day to day life.

I'm trying to pinpoint a root cause for why this is setting in now seeing as Mistress and I are doing decently well right now.  We aren't fighting, but we aren't really doing much either.  I think it's coming from gradually wearing down over the past couple of months with difficulties between Mistress and I, lots of problems with her son, my job undergoing "restructuring" that has made my work seem unappreciated and unnoticed, predominantly terrible weather, a couple of big problems going in in my extended family, and some car problems.  Now that I think about it, it might have been the flat tire I had today that was the straw that broke the camel's back.

I'm going to take a break from the blog-o-sphere for a while I try to get my head sorted out.  Hopefully it'll only take a few days but it may be a bit longer.  Spending too much time on the internet when I'm in this kind of mood tends to make it harder to work through it.  I do plan to draw as that has been bringing me pleasure and I will be posting drawings as I finish them.  I will check in now and then to reply to comments and emails.

I finished a drawing this evening and was in the process of writing a caption for it when everything sort of hit me.

Here it is (minus the caption which I may finish at a later date):


  1. Depression doesn't respond well to rational thought. I hope it leaves you soon, and don't overlook the fact that the horrible winter weather plays a big factor in depression. Seasonal Affective Disorder is a very real problem, and I fight it every winter. Try to get some sunlight into your world, and if all else fails, go outside and skip (not run, not walk) down the road. It's impossible to skip without feeling better.

  2. Thank you, Lady Grey.

    This has been a struggle of mine over the majority of my life (I was diagnosed with depression at a very young age). While I've learned to control it most of the time I tend to get hit pretty hard every December and I'm not sure if it's due to weather or that these months are linked heavily to personal tragedy, but it's probably a combination of both.

    When I feel an onset coming (I can usually sense it) I try to set myself up with a series of small tasks that are focused upon others and do my best to see them through. D/s does wonders for this as there's always something to focus on. Unfortunately we haven't had much of a D/s dynamic since the summer. On the upside, I have roughly two-thirds of birthday presents and Christmas presents for other people purchased already for 2011. I could sense my downturn when I stopped feeling like performing the tasks I set out for myself and then got hit with a large wave of negative impulses/thoughts/feelings.

    Thankfully those impulses are starting to go away but I'm not quite out of the woods yet.

    I will definitely keep going out for a skip in mind :)

    Take care.