Monday, August 15, 2011

Coming to Terms with Kink (aka finding difficult answers to easy questions)

Well... here goes my first "real "entry in months.  My apologies if this is a repeated topic (I know that I have written similar posts before) but I feel fairly removed from those... almost as if they were written by another me, which I guess says that I feel I have changed since I was last writing.  Sorry if this is a bit jumbled, I jotted down some notes earlier and am trying to piece together this post from my thoughts earlier in the day.

The process of "this is what I am now" from "this is what I wanted then" is definitely an interesting one.  I'm not sure I'm okay with who I am now as a submissive and sexually but at the same time, I'm not sure I mind that.

I know that for many in the lifestyle, one of the early obstacles is learning how to come to terms with and cope with the kink inside of you.  Some of these aspects are rather easy, others are more difficult, especially depending upon which role you are in. 

Some aspects of being a submissive are simple when it comes to interacting with women.  Like bondage?  No problem, most women I know think it's kinky and hot.  Body worship?  I don't know a woman that wouldn't/doesn't love it.  Pegging?  Just call it "reverse doggy style" and it sounds a lot less threatening.  That last one may be a stretch though.  The key to knowing how far you stray from "normalcy" is how much you NEED a particular activity.  If being tied up gets you off but you get off nearly as hard without being tied up, you're in good shape.  As long as you don't continuously ejaculate to a specific activity or fantasy you can probably avoid developing a deeply-rooted fetish that integrates that as a primary part of your sexuality.

If you're past that point, you're like me.  This inherently puts you at the bottom of the food chain.

Dommes have it relatively easy when it comes to kink.  Sexual exploration is usually encouraged (by both friends and lovers) and the sexually aggressive woman is generally very alluring and attractive.  If she has something that "does it" for her, chances are there's about 500 guys out there an email away that want her to do it to them.  As long as she can accept the kink about herself, there will be a vocal majority of kinksters encouraging that to the point where it seems very normal.  If she ever reaches a point where she can only get off if the sub is tied up, there's no shortage of subs who are willing to be tied up every time.

Worst case scenario if she finds herself with a man who is unwilling to get kinky she can simply tell him that he sucked in bed, she faked every orgasm, and unless they spice it up a notch she won't be able to get off.  99% of guys will take that as a challenge to their male ego and give in to the kink. 

Are we supposed to come to accept the kink within us?

The easy answer is yes and it probably seems stupid to even ask this.  It's emotionally healthy to accept ourselves as we are.  This goes for both Dommes and subs. 

Why bother asking then?  I am yee who is drawn to the flame... the dumbest of all creatures and lowest on the food chain... the submissive captured by the mind fuck. 

Should self-acceptance always flow both ways in the realm of D/s?

In my opinion, being dominant is a natural and rational thing to be.  Getting to do exactly what you want and getting someone else to do exactly what you want them to do seems like you struck it rich and your bottle of KY unleashed the magic sex genie willing to grant your any wish.  That to me makes perfect sense.

Now for Dommes wishing to have a submissive lover that is an emotionally healthy equal, it is probably a good thing to nurture their self-acceptance of their kinks and get them to an emotionally balanced position.  When they feel their kink is normal they will find peace.

But what about relationships that want a strict divide between Domme and sub?  Are these so bad even if they're consensual?  I'm sure there are those out there that would say that they are bad no matter what, but what about cases where both parties benefit?

A Domme can gain greater loyalty from her sub if he feels a bit insecure about his kinks.
-He's lucky to have her because other women will think he's fucked up.
-She's the only one that accepts him as he is.
-If anyone else knew about him they'd be disgusted.

These kinds of mental loops can serve as traps for a sub but they generally make him try harder if they start feeling true.

What if this insecurity serves as one of the sub's kinks?  A sub that gets aroused from humiliation needs something to feel ashamed about.  Keeping him off balance with teasing and cruelty can create its own subspace loop that feeds itself to her end.  This can be nurtured: she tells him that she loves that he's ashamed of himself and loves him when he is that way.  Or turned against him:  she acts disgusted by his kinks but constantly reminds him that she tolerates him because he obeys. 

It's a rather wicked balance.  I seem to be caught somewhere in limbo.  I am comfortable with being a submissive.  I feel ashamed about being a sissy.  This shame turns me on and makes me more submissive.  Am I better off finding peace or better off being mind-fucked about it forever?  If I had to choose I would probably have to go with the mind-fuck, but then again, I can fully admit that I am easy prey... at the bottom of the food chain (and I like it that way).

I guess in my own mind things make perfect sense like this:
She is, of course, perfectly normal.  She likes to tie up subs and spank them, but that's normal.  She gets off watching subs whimpering and writhing in pain but that's normal.  She likes to dress subs up like girls because it amuses her, but that's normal.  She likes to keep his penis caged in a chastity belt, but that's normal. 

He likes being the one tied up and spanked?  He's fucked up.  He likes writhing in pain?  He's fucked up.  He wants her to control his orgasms?  He's fucked up.  He gets a hard on when she makes him dress up in slutty clothes and frilly furs?  He's fucked up.

I don't know if I should come to terms with things but it really gives me a hard on feelings fucked up about myself.


  1. Wonderful. Meta meta kink! Awesome post!

  2. Hi Fur,

    I think this can be summed up by asking nearly every Sissy you encounter how many times they have tried to stop dressing or feminizing themselves and tried to stay away from kink sub/dom media like blogger/kink personals or porn ect!

    Most of them will probably say they have tried to stop maybe 2 or 3 times at least only to find themselves giving in and going back to what they were doing and i think it takes a few of these occurrences for any Sissy to finally accept what they are and also much more difficult to accept that they need the sub/sissy (kink) feelings to express their true sexual desires and fantasies.

    I myself have seen this with my Sissy she has ended our Dom/sub relationship 3 times only to contact me again. The first break was 3 months then 2 the last one was 1 month.

    So it takes a lot of time and guts for a Sissy to finally say ok i am what i am i need this for whatever reason i need it so i am going to go with it and enjoy it even though i am ashamed by it.



  3. Thank you, Giles.

    Thanks for writing rfoj. I think I would be okay without the feminization aspects as long as the Domme wore fur. With my experiences I'm not sure how much the fantasy would go away or the craving for certain levels of subspace, but I do know that I'm not wholly tied to dressing or being forced to dress. As of now we haven't had any play of this nature in 8+ months.

    Either that or I am somewhere along the process. Early on I was able to shed inhibitions about being a submissive in general, so who knows, a few years down the road I might feel that way about being a sissy as well.