This is another post related to some things I wrote recently on Marc and Cleo's blog.
I've recently had a few chats with a sub that has very similar fetishes to mine: being force feminized and humiliated with a lot of fur involved. In our chats he mentioned something that really hit home with me and that is the idea of conflicting emotions.
I've felt conflicting emotions many many times but I've never described it so simply. It's such a simple description but I understood exactly what he meant and it took so very few words.
This is really the core of the mind-fuck: to put a sub in a position of intense conflicting emotions of both extreme arousal and extreme emotional discomfort.
Very few Dommes really do this well, probably because it really requires a wicked cruel streak to get off on watching your sub having a huge erection while crying tears of shame. If it doesn't get her off, she has no reason to do it (well), and I just don't know that many Dommes that really enjoy it.
As a sub, I guess I'm a bit twisted. It tends to be the emotional conflict that turns me on and deepens my subspace more than the activity itself. Without the humiliation, forced feminization is meaningless to me. I have no desire to be a woman, dress as a woman, or be able to pass as a woman. I do desire to be forced to half-assedly dress in some women's garments and be mocked for how stupid I look. I would be terrified if any "outsider" saw me, but being seen and laughed at by a (female) "outsider" turns me on.
I guess this shows how far I have come to terms with myself as a submissive. I'm no longer embarrassed to state that I am a submissive and enjoy kinky activities (almost all of our vanilla friends and my parents are aware of this). There was a time when the threat of having this exposed was mortifying. As I have come to accept my submissive nature as a part of me, the fear is gone. On its basic level the idea of being exposed as someone who enjoys bondage or body worship can no longer be used as a mind-fuck without a lot of creativity.
As I constantly write about, I'm not comfortable with nor readily accepted myself as a sissy. I doubt I ever will. This will probably leave me open to mind-fucks on this subject for the rest of my life. Part of me is at peace with that because I hate to think what the next step would be if I needed something even more intense to get me off.
As to what inspired the subject matter of this post...
The sub I was chatting with gets mind-fucked a LOT. He referenced being forced to try this on at a store as the only time he was brought to tears.
To this day, one of my biggest mind-fucks was having my Mistress at the time make me try this on in a crowded department store. I was so humiliated I thought I was going to throw up and/or cry but I managed to tough it out with a bright red face, unable to speak or lift my eyes from the ground.