I have a lot that I want to say. There are a lot of things I want to feel. I want to write more. I want to continue my fiction.
Right now I am in a bad place. I can feel the demons gnawing away. I feel a little bit frustrated. I mostly feel numb. I lost my footing in the place that feels dear to my heart and I've watched myself slowly backslide into a bad place.
Some recent dialogue with someone has given me a bit of insight on where this process is breaking down. Writing my reflections posts earlier this year and a few of the follow up posts have allowed me to see just how this is happening.
The best I can really describe it is that at my core... I just do not feel like I have any worth.
I am good at things. I am smart. I have tremendous work ethic and focus. I am competent and responsible. I am loving and caring.
I can tell when depression is rearing its head because when I look back upon every positive thing I have done on a given day... it doesn't bring about any positive feelings. All that echoes in me is, "what's next?"
I can't help but see how this dates back to my childhood. The home runs... scoring goals... the 100%'s... A after A... what's next? I feel judgement being passed on whatever it is that I am doing. Once I am done there is no time to rest... no time to relax... no time to enjoy... no time to feel good. Move onto what's next. A constant state of being judged. While success may breed confidence, never experiencing the joys of the fruits of my labor... doesn't bring about self-esteem or self-worth.
When I look back at a completed task or a completed project any joy is squashed under the weight of the ever-changing present. "What I just did is so 5 minutes ago... that has nothing to do with right now."
The drive... push myself harder... keep pushing... never stop. It will never be enough. It will never feel right. This is just what I do. This is how I am. I do not know if it can be changed... and if so... I don't know how. I don't know how to mend what is broken.
There's that pivotal scene in the movie "Good Will Hunting" where Robin Williams 'fixes' Matt Damon by giving him a hug and telling him repeatedly that it wasn't his fault. I wish. I wish it was that easy. I wish that the magic words would change who I am at my core... purge me of my demons. Maybe I'm just jaded but that scene ends up feeling like fantasy on par with Game of Thrones.
I believe this is why I crave such a strict set of D/s dynamics. Judge me. Trap me in the moment. Keep me busy. Keep me doing. No reward... just focus on what I'm doing... knowing there is always what's next. Punish me for slipping. Expect too much of me... more than is humanly possible. Treat me like I'm not good enough (I will never believe that I am).
I can't help feeling a bit fucked up knowing that will make me feel normal... that is where I find peace. Being "all in" all the time... trying harder... needing to be perfect. Judge me. It is impossible to be harsher than the demons that reside in my soul.
Strip me of my sense of self. Take away my dignity. Crush my ego. Step on my pride. Deny me pleasure. Those are unnecessary; they merely cloud my judgement. Hit me when I've been bad... or whenever you feel like it. Please... keep me. I promise I'll be good. I promise I'll be perfect.
Nothing can hurt me beyond what already hurts. Please... keep me.