Monday, October 3, 2016

Standing on the edge

I have a lot that I want to say.  There are a lot of things I want to feel.  I want to write more.  I want to continue my fiction.

Right now I am in a bad place.  I can feel the demons gnawing away.  I feel a little bit frustrated.  I mostly feel numb.  I lost my footing in the place that feels dear to my heart and I've watched myself slowly backslide into a bad place.

Some recent dialogue with someone has given me a bit of insight on where this process is breaking down.  Writing my reflections posts earlier this year and a few of the follow up posts have allowed me to see just how this is happening.

The best I can really describe it is that at my core... I just do not feel like I have any worth.

I am good at things.  I am smart.  I have tremendous work ethic and focus.  I am competent and responsible.  I am loving and caring. 

I can tell when depression is rearing its head because when I look back upon every positive thing I have done on a given day... it doesn't bring about any positive feelings.  All that echoes in me is, "what's next?"

I can't help but see how this dates back to my childhood.  The home runs... scoring goals... the 100%'s... A after A... what's next?  I feel judgement being passed on whatever it is that I am doing.  Once I am done there is no time to rest... no time to relax... no time to enjoy... no time to feel good.  Move onto what's next.  A constant state of being judged.  While success may breed confidence, never experiencing the joys of the fruits of my labor... doesn't bring about self-esteem or self-worth. 

When I look back at a completed task or a completed project any joy is squashed under the weight of the ever-changing present.  "What I just did is so 5 minutes ago... that has nothing to do with right now."

The drive... push myself harder... keep pushing... never stop.  It will never be enough.  It will never feel right.  This is just what I do.  This is how I am.  I do not know if it can be changed... and if so... I don't know how.  I don't know how to mend what is broken.

There's that pivotal scene in the movie "Good Will Hunting" where Robin Williams 'fixes' Matt Damon by giving him a hug and telling him repeatedly that it wasn't his fault.  I wish.  I wish it was that easy.  I wish that the magic words would change who I am at my core... purge me of my demons.  Maybe I'm just jaded but that scene ends up feeling like fantasy on par with Game of Thrones. 

I believe this is why I crave such a strict set of D/s dynamics.  Judge me.  Trap me in the moment.  Keep me busy.  Keep me doing.  No reward... just focus on what I'm doing... knowing there is always what's next.  Punish me for slipping.  Expect too much of me... more than is humanly possible.  Treat me like I'm not good enough (I will never believe that I am). 

I can't help feeling a bit fucked up knowing that will make me feel normal... that is where I find peace.  Being "all in" all the time... trying harder... needing to be perfect.  Judge me.  It is impossible to be harsher than the demons that reside in my soul. 

Strip me of my sense of self.  Take away my dignity.  Crush my ego.  Step on my pride.  Deny me pleasure.  Those are unnecessary; they merely cloud my judgement.  Hit me when I've been bad... or whenever you feel like it.  Please... keep me.  I promise I'll be good.  I promise I'll be perfect. 

Nothing can hurt me beyond what already hurts.  Please... keep me. 

12 comments:

  1. I don't have anything of substance to say here except that I was here, this is a powerful piece.

    Sending positive thoughts.

    Ferns

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    1. Thank you, Ferns. That means a lot to me.

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  2. I'm sorry you are in bad place. Sending along more positive thoughts, and warm wishes from a fellow submissive.

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    1. Thank you, Penney. I always love seeing your comments in my inbox when I wake up.

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  3. Its hard to fix an ego construct that is highly damaged. Better to focus energy on discarding it rather than repairing it. Easier said than done, but the only thing anyone can offer you (besides temporary respite via submission) is directions to a better place, one less burdened by your self description. Meditation can help, so can non-competitive physical activity like yoga or controlled breathing.

    I wish you all the best moving forward from the dark place your living in today.

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    1. Thank you, Mate.

      I think I struggle with completely discarding it because so much of my public/alpha identity has been tied to it. Being (near) perfect was the standard for so long that neurotic pursuit of excellence became my typical behavior.

      There are times when I can feel okay. I know that the acceptance of one person is all that I need to keep from tumbling.

      I know there is probably a better way, I just haven't found a way to integrate it in while still keeping life afloat.

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  4. That last bit hits a tender spot in my heart. Hug.

    As for the rest, it sounds utterly exhausting.

    I wonder if it would help to write about your successes of the day, hobby, or whatever. To relive the moment in which you felt good and see it from an outside perspective (I know if it was someone else's accomplishments you wouldn't dismiss them so quickly). Just a moment or two to look back and feel good about it, then go back to "what's next?"

    P.S. I want to slap your parents.

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    1. Thank you, Misty.

      It is quite emotionally exhausting. By writing this I was able to purge a lot of the nagging feelings from me. Hopefully things will turn in a better direction.

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  5. I feel a lot of strong emotion reading this.

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    1. Thank you, Miss Lily. I'm glad you are here.

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  6. Powerful and very disquieting, fur. Depression can be so all pervasive that everything anyone tries to do to help you out of it only makes things worse. I wish there were a simple solution to offer, but that's obviously impossible. All I and your other readers can offer is our heartfelt wishes for this cloud to be lifted and for some sun to shine in. Keep fighting it, fur. This too shall pass.

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    1. Thank you, Lady Grey. I do know this is temporary. I know I just have to find something that will inspire my heart.

      I know these cycles probably aren't all that avoidable, it just gets so frustrating when I could see them so clearly from so far away... like watching a car crash in slow motion... knowing it's there... and helpless to stop it.

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