As things are

Over the past few weeks I have deleted at least a dozen posts rather than publishing them.  I can feel my mind spiraling into negative space and the effects are finally indisputable as I can definitely say that my depression is flaring up.

During these times it seems that certain triggers put me into a nihilistic sort of mindset and an accompanying "fuck people, the world is fucked" line of thinking.  I've gone into work-a-holic mode and in my downtime I'm choosing activities that completely occupy my brain so that I don't have to think.

Coping.  Getting by.  Existing.  It's frustrating on so many levels.  Something that people close to me often misunderstand is that I don't need space, distance, or to be coddled.  I need people to lean on me... depend on me... I need people to need me or I can't feel useful.  I can always rise from the muck for someone else.  Always.  I will not let depression keep me from being the caliber of friend or lover that I want to be.

Honestly, I don't even know if this is a strength or a weakness anymore.  Should I feel proud or pathetic?  I know this is how D/s suits me as my anti-depressant.  Consistent and even over-bearing amounts of expectations help me to rise up and stay out of the garbage that is floating around my brain.  I always rise up for someone else.

This is the time that submissive mental space would benefit me the most and again I find myself blocked from it.  I'm not horny.  I have no sex drive dragging me along.  Masturbation becomes a form of maintenance that I employ when my lower back muscles start to get painfully tight and/or I find myself in a high-strung state of neurosis.  That in itself is frustrating.

I can't help but notice that this state is repeating the cycle of last year.  Over the past few years I have tried to live in a way where I do not desire anything that I cannot or should not have.  I stopped buying anything and started living in a very minimal and frugal state (for the most part).  I have a birthday coming up soon and like last year, I find myself having to want things in order to give family members gift ideas and the like.  The best version of myself is not the one that wants things for me.  If the cycle follows the same course as least year, I should be back to normal in about a month.  It's frustrating knowing what will happen but having no means to accelerate the timeline.

Such is life.