Tuesday, May 23, 2017

A week of uncertainty

Now is one of the times where D/s would help me out so much by keeping my mind in a better place.

It has been five days since learning my job may be in jeopardy.  It has been three days since we had a lawyer lie to us about wages and labor laws.  There is still no certainty about how things will play out nor whether I will be paid without a lawsuit. 

While searching through memories for the source of my job hunting anxiety I remembered some events that happened to me during my senior year of high school and immediately following graduation.  I couldn't get hired.  I was valedictorian and had solid references from my previous two jobs.  I applied anywhere locally that had help wanted signs and was willing to work for minimum wage.  The town was still lily white.  I even had a job that was lined up through a friend who was told if he was willing to vouch for my work ethic that I was as good as in.  Until I went in and met the person in charge of hiring.  They took one look at me and spent 30 minutes trying to talk me out of the job.  He told me he would call me back.  He never did.  His secretary finally broke me the news three weeks later that I wasn't getting hired.  She cited that it was because I wasn't 18 yet... which I might have believed if I hadn't been 8 months older than my friend. 

The summer before I left for college I couldn't get hired anywhere.  I was now a high school graduate with a diploma and no dice.  I even went to hiring fairs and the like.  When I applied at a convenience store a few miles from my house with a big help wanted sign behind the counter, I filled out the app and returned it to be told "we're not hiring anymore."  As a test my (white adopted) mother stopped by there two hours later and asked for an application for her son and if they were still hiring and she was told yes.  That was the last time I had any wonder about why I wasn't being hired... and it was the last time my mother ever gave me shit about not trying hard enough to find a full time job. 

It's kind of stupid that one of the reasons that I held the same job from age 13 to 18 was because I couldn't find other work. 

I know it's kind of stupid to be thinking about this 20 years later but faced with the prospect of searching for another job I'm feeling the demons brewing again and the anxiety keeps me feeling like I'm going to vomit for about 12 hours each day.  My psyche still remembers those struggles... being judged for the wrong reasons... an unwinnable battle.  It's one of the big reasons I stay at a job that is below my abilities. 

I'm at the point where I would take bad news just to have certainty.  I would rather know I have to face my demons than wonder if I will have to face them.  The anxiety is the same whether it's certain or not.  Rationally I know it's stupid to worry about something I can't control and hasn't happened yet.  That doesn't change the way that my stomach twists and turns with uncertainty.


  1. When I was younger, just out of college, and looking for a job, I found the entire experience exciting. After finding a job, then not liking it, then leaving it, everything changed. Looking for my next job on the heels of what felt like a "failure" turned out to be one of the most belittling and depressing periods of my life. Selling yourself to a new employer and having to explain why you left your old job is no fun at all. The more rejections you get, the lower your self esteem goes. The whole process becomes a battle with negativity and your own faltering ego. I don't blame you a bit for getting sick to your stomach with your memories of the past and projections of the possible need to start looking again.

    Hopefully, things will work out, either with your current job or with your search for a new one. Here's a big hug from me to you. Take care and good luck, fur.

    1. Thank you very much, Lady Grey. It is always great to hear from you.

      Things are looking up in a sense that we were recently guaranteed paychecks for the time we are working now (no need to worry about a potential lawsuit over violation of labor laws).

      The negativity that you describe is something I was trapped in for the final 15 months before I went to college and managed to haunt me for a long time. I didn't realize until last week just how much it still bothers me all these years later.

      It seems a lot of this anxiety seems to crossover onto me in similar ways... when I find myself alone and having to impress strangers about myself. The terror of finding relationships affects me in a similar way as the job hunt when there is no history or nepotism involved.

      Take care.

      PS. I do hope to resume working on fs01 within the next few days.

  2. I hate job searching and am feeling nervous knowing I will be searching soon. I think you will find that the world sees asian men in a more positive light now. A smart employee ... yes please!

    1. Thank you, Miss Lily.

      Good luck with your search. I still don't know the outcome of all of this but if I do end up searching, I hope that is the case.

      Take care.