The cobwebs are starting to clear a bit from my head as this cycle fades. I really miss D/s.
The first time the thought "I wish I was dead" passed through my brain I was 4 years old. I made my first serious suicide attempt when I was 13. I tried 3 more times by age 16 before giving up and just tossing away caution figuring an accidental recreational death with drugs and/or alcohol would be good enough. At that time I didn't think I would live to see 18. When I turned 18 I felt lost. I gave up on the partying life but I still didn't think I would live to see 21. When I turned 21 I didn't know what to do. I had another birthday recently and I realized that I still don't know what to do.
The demons still haunt me.
I've had my life fall apart too many times. I've had to restart too many times. I'm still here. I'm still me.
I've never felt that a life by myself was worth living. My solution was to live for someone else. When it works, it's glorious. When it fails, it's dreadful.
Day by day. Always day by day. I keep on going.
I've been very worried about you, fur. So it's really good to see that you're back on the blogosphere, albeit not in an "up" mode. Day by day, as you say, and hopefully the fog will clear. You clearly need a loving dominant in your life, and I do wish I had the power to snap my fingers and have the right woman appear for you.
ReplyDeleteHang in there, fur. Life is worth living, and I just hope that something glorious is waiting out there for you. In the meantime, be assured that my thoughts (as well as those of many of your readers) are with you, and I'm sending all the positive vibes that I can generate in your direction.
Thank you, Lady Grey.
DeleteI was worried about whether or not I should have posted this but I figured that people have seen my emo-ness before so I probably don't need to hide it. After feeling numb and confused for a month, any feelings are better than none.
Now that I am almost 40 I had hoped that there would be a clearer sense of direction, but it seems I just keep plugging along, one day at a time.
I do appreciate the sentiments, they mean a lot to me.
Take care.
Dear Fur,
ReplyDeleteLady Grey said it all, I just want to add from myself (I stated it before) that you have a (growing) number of faithful readers and we all wish you well. I've been in the deep doldrums myself and I came back to enjoy the life with its ups and downs and I wish you could do so. And congratulation on your birthday! You are not even 40 yet and the best part of life is still ahead of you so lift up your heart carry on with life.
All the best from Peter
Thank you, Peter. It is very nice to hear from you.
DeleteI know that things will turn for the better, especially as I rise up out of the crap I have been mired in for the past month or so.
Take care.