Over time I've grown comfortable with a handful of ideas about myself and my place in this world. These feelings often get shunned by those who are big on the "self help" circuit and go against many of the principles of emotional health. I've tried to stop caring about perceptions for the most part, but alas it is unavoidable to have some hurt if I find myself feeling attacked (even if I wish this were not true).
It is strange how the words of the heart resonate so strongly... even if they defy logic and what we rationally understand to be true. If only being rational would chase away the demons. My choice was to exist with them and try to be the best that I could be in spite of them. As much as I try to heal, there are parts of the damage that feel beyond repair and it feels easier to work with it rather than against it.
These are some of the "truths" that I have been unable to break away from. Instead I embrace them and compensate for them. This is how D/s resonates with me so deeply. These are the feelings that I keep hidden from the world while I feign social competence on a regular basis.
-I have no inherent worth as a person. My value is derived by what I can provide for others and how I may benefit them. These benefits must be of such value that someone would accept a person like me over someone who does hold inherent worth. I must prove myself with love and obedience. The value of my service is the value of my self. My strengths as a person enhance the quality and capacity of my service.
-Because I lack worth, it is fine for me to be treated badly. It feels reasonable, justified, and natural. Being permitted to serve is the "reward" that I earn for my service. My feelings are of minimal importance compared to the feelings, moods, comfort, desires, whims, and pleasures of the one that I serve. I should be grateful and appreciative of any kindness shown to me, but I should never expect it because I do not deserve it.
-My ideal self is the form which is most pleasing to the one that I serve. I adapt as necessary in pursuit of the perfect state of being, which is being exactly what she needs at any time. Failing to meet her expectations makes me undeserving of her attention. I should welcome any corrective or preventative measures necessary to keep my behavior suited to her needs.
-I love the one that I serve with all of my being. She provides me with purpose and worth. She is kind enough to accept my meager offerings. She is my everything and I feel lucky that she has chosen me. I show my love and devotion in everything that I do and she is the focus of my thoughts and desires.
-If I do not comply with her desires, then I am undeserving of her attention. This is an ongoing state which requires constant vigilance.
This is the way that the world makes sense to me. This is the stability that keeps the craziness inside my head in check. This is the existence where I feel best about myself. This is the existence that I desire.
Over time when I write words like these I have come to know that people will see me as either completely undesirable or totally desirable. It's interesting how polarizing it is. "That's pathetic" vs. "I want that kind of devotion." Bracing for negative reaction makes it hard to put things out there this blatantly. In reality there is a lot more balancing and displaying more of my public self even if this is what resides at my core.
At some point in time I may heal up enough to have these feelings change. It hasn't happened yet and I'm not holding my breath. Until then I merely accept that this is how I am right now in this world.
I find it intriguing that you use the words "...I may heal up enough to have these feelings change." "Heal up" implies that you regard yourself as "sick" because you are the way you are. I don't understand why you regard your innermost feelings as a sickness. Your writings in the past certainly don't reflect the idea that a deep desire to serve in others is a sickness of some sort, so why - when you're examining your own feelings - do you portray yourself as being sick? You're very sympathetic to these feelings when other people have them, so what is it about yourself that makes you call it a sickness when you do not feel that way about other people with the same proclivities?
ReplyDeleteDo you feel that a Dom with equal but opposite feelings is also sick? I don't see how - via extrapolation - you could avoid coming to that conclusion. Which means that I, and any other Dom who would enjoy a servant with such extreme dedication, would have to be regarded as someone who has to "heal". Really, fur? Or am I missing something? Do we both have to heal in your view? Does everyone with strong dominant or submissive feelings have to heal? I really don't like that word "heal" and I wish you could stop beating yourself up over who you are. Really, fur, how can you think you lack inherent worth when you can say:
"I love the one that I serve with all of my being. She provides me with purpose and worth. She is kind enough to accept my meager offerings. She is my everything and I feel lucky that she has chosen me. I show my love and devotion in everything that I do and she is the focus of my thoughts and desires."
If someone said that to me, I could hardly feel that they lacked inherent worth. Period.
Thank you, Lady Grey.
DeleteThe phrase about healing wasn't very clear. I had meant to use it in reference to the feelings I have of being worthless when I am not being used or utilized by someone I love. I have to feel like I would be less of a burden without these cyclical fluctuations that leave me in a spiral and aching for dominance and floundering in its absence.
I did not mean to imply that the desire to submit (or dominate) is an illness.
I do not think it would be a bad thing to feel like I do have worth on my own.
I hope this makes things more clear.
Take care.
Wow You really are a sick one. It must be difficult being so pathetic
ReplyDeleteWayne
Yep, quite difficult. That is why I choose to blog about it.
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