Saturday, April 24, 2010

The Appeal of a Femdom Relationship - What's in it for them? Types of Dommes and how to please them.

It's easy to rattle off clich├ęs about the benefits of Femdom relationships to women, but the reality of it is that the needs of both parties involved must be met for the relationship to be truly fulfilling and happy.

The reality of it is that there's far fewer Female Dominants than there are male submissives (I know I'm beating a dead horse when I say this again) and for the male subs out there either seeking to convert their current lover into a Dominant or attempting to court a Domme, trying to understand just what makes them tick can help a lot in the long run.  These reasons may or may not correspond with the lifestyle you are looking for but in many cases there is some middle ground that can be reached that will be rewarding and sustainable on a relationship level.

Any Domme (or potential Domme) will have a variety of factors inside them that, when stirred, will get their blood pumping and help unleash their sexual power.  These factors are the ones that reach to the core of their personality and usually tread the lines of what we consider taboo in modern society. 

I will ignore benefits such as avoiding having to perform mundane household chores (since I don't know a woman who wouldn't prefer being able to avoid those things) as well as Dommes who purely seek financial gain through exploiting willing submissive men.  Anyone with a willing heart and a pulse is capable of filling the submissive roles required by these situations.

So where exactly does the drive to live this lifestyle and pleasure from this lifestyle come from for her?  In my experiences in both vanilla and D/s relationships as well as female friends I have had over the years I believe there's sets of both active and passive roles inside every woman that are the keys to her heart, mind, and sexuality.

In an active role a woman derives pleasure from the things that she does.
In a passive role a woman derives pleasure from the things that are done to or for her. 

Women, being the superior creatures that they are, tend to be quite a bit more complicated than many of the male subs out there and so they usually cannot be pigeon-holed into just one category.  Most Dommes will take on a mixture of roles and they may shift between frequently or have several of them show up at the same time. 

Here are a few of them that come to mind (sorry if you don't like the names I'm giving them, I'm just making them up as I go along).  If you can think of any other types let me know and I can try to write more.  If you are looking to convert a wife or girlfriend into more of a Dominant, take some time pondering exactly which of these best-match the characteristics of her personality.

Active Roles

The Sensualist (common)
The Sensualist enjoys the physical pleasures of sexuality and the heightened response caused by of arousal.  While she will likely thrive on the receiving end of sexual pleasure the pleasure in her active role happens through playful teasing of her sub's arousal and manipulating his physical responses.  Tease & denial, orgasm denial, strict orgasm control, and ruined orgasms are common activities for Sensualists.  Expect her to want to see you squirm.

Sensualists are fairly common amongst both BDSM and vanilla women.  They generally enjoy sexual activities and subs wishing to stay sexually active in a D/s relationship may wish to pursue this type of Domme.

The Sadist (uncommon)
The Sadist enjoys inflicting pain and suffering on her subs.  Her pleasure is usually derived from the whimpers and cries from her sub as she performs painful and uncomfortable actions upon them and the knowledge that she is making them suffer.  Corporal punishment, CBT, and heavy bondage are frequently involved.  Sadists will also frequently implement chastity as another form of suffering.

You will find two distinct types of Sadists out there.  One type will feel guilty for taking pleasure in inflicting pain.  These Sadists will generally seek out subs that are masochistic pain sluts and that gain arousal and pleasure through pain.  The other type of Sadists experience these pleasures guilt-free.  Guilt-free Sadists will usually prefer subs that are not masochists since she will likely prefer it when subs derive no pleasure from their pain.

The Tease (very common)
The Tease is similar to the Sensualist but there are some key differences.  Teases enjoy getting their subs aroused and draw confidence and pleasure from knowing they are the object of desire.  As this continues it can feed their desire to tease and increase the level of intensity and pleasure they derive from doing so.  While it might start out by dressing provocatively and some mild flirting it may eventually escalate to getting a sub's hopes (and penis) raised through the roof and then knocking them down without a second thought.

Also like Sensualists, Teases are quite common amongst both BDSM and vanilla women.  These types of Dommes are often quite playful and if they carry a cruel streak, they may often enjoy humiliation as well.

The Controller (very uncommon)
Controllers are often the types of Dommes that subs fantasize about in stories but it's rare to find a woman who wishes to be in this role for more than a small fraction of the time.  Controllers are known for wanting to micro-manage the majority of their sub's lives and derive their pleasure from wielding power over their sub.  In a relationship with a Controller you can probably expect nearly expectation and behavior being spelled out for you:  what time to wake up, what time to go to sleep, what to wear, what kind of haircut to get, what job to have, when you need to be home, if you can leave the room, if you can enter the room, chastity, etc.

It seems that controllers are often the most-fantasized about type of Domme but this is also probably the least common type of Domme out there.  They do exist, but it takes a very rare type of personality to be bothered with a lot of the tedious factors involved with micro-managing.  If you seek this type I would recommend only pursuing those who have pretty much described themselves as being this way.  If you are attempting to turn your wife/girlfriend into a Domme, I really wouldn't try to lead her down this path (at least not for a long time).  A few women might enjoy making a sub ask for permission to go to the bathroom but most women would rather not be bothered having to answer that question.

The Disciplinarian (uncommon)
Disciplinarians are an interesting type.  They aren't pure Sadists since their physical punishments aren't wanton and they find ways to justify the need for punishment.  They aren't pure Controllers either since they tend to wait until after an action has been performed by their sub to show their colors.  A Disciplinarian draws pleasure on several fronts and in exactly what way can be fairly complicated to describe.  It is a mixture of control within her situation, having a subject forced to bend to her demands, and power wielded over that subject in delivering punishment.  Being in a relationship with a Disciplinarian you should expect strict behavioral expectations and regular sessions of corporal punishment.  Extensive rituals and mannerisms may be expected as well.

Disciplinarians are often perfectionists with long memories and this behavior is often learned from her experiences with her parents.  If you struggle with self-esteem issues it is probably wise to avoid these types of relationships as feeling like you've failed her will probably be a regular occurrence. 

The Humiliator (uncommon)
Humiliators are similar to Sadists but you can think of them more as "Emotional Sadists."  The Humiliator draws her pleasure from pain, suffering, and anguish inflicted on a mental and emotional level.  Seeing you blush, looking/feeling ashamed, and overall, finding ways to make you squirm and writhe in your own skin are what makes her tick along with the knowledge that she has someone devoted who will suffer in this way just for her.  Forced dressing, public outings, and being shown off to her friends are a few activities you could expect in a relationship with a Humiliator.

You may find some Humiliators that prefer to be at the cause of the humiliation and others that prefer to take more of a spectator role, observing the humiliation of her sub taking place and often forcing the sub to instigate the humiliating situation (which yields additional level of mental anguish).  Also, many Humiliators are also Sadists and/or Teases.   

The Top (common)
Tops want to call all of the shots in the bedroom.  They know how they want things to be and that is the way that it happens.  Tops derive their pleasure from sexual activities that display their power over their sub.  The pleasure may be one-sided and those situations may escalate their dominant feelings.  Activities such as extended cunnilingus sessions, face-sitting, light bondage, gender/role reversal, and pegging are quite common with Tops.

Tops are also fairly common among both vanilla and BDSM women but the more extreme the sexual activity, the less common they will be. 

The Cuckoldress (very uncommon)
I'm not sure exactly sure how Cuckoldresses draw their pleasure but I have a feeling that it comes to them in several ways.  In making a cuckold of her sub, a Cuckoldress displays her power on several fronts that can affect both her and her sub.  By taking a lover she shows that her sexual needs are of primary importance and this can also mean that her sub's status is so diminished that he is no longer worthy of her as a lover.  She can also use this as a tool to humiliate her sub through diminished status and/or showing that his penis is inferior.  Chastity, forced voyeurism, forced homosexuality, and post-orgasm cunnilingus are common activities with this type of relationship.

Overall, Cuckoldresses are usually fairly complex in their motivations and reasons.  It is more common for long-standing D/s relationships to "grow" to this point over a long period of time than to have this happen quickly.  Trust must be firmly rooted for a relationship with a Cuckoldress to work out in the long run.

Passive Roles

The Goddess (very common)
The Goddess is an object of reverence, devotion, and adoration.  She sit in a position of power, her status elevated above the men that worship her.  Her desires are granted no matter what effort is required to do so.  She wants to feel like she has been placed on a pedestal and is the most important person in the world.  While a Goddess can basically obtain anything she wants, the root of her pleasure is from feeling special, feeling important, and having a loyal and devoted sub.

Most women wish to feel this way.  If you understand women in the slightest and hope to make one happy you will probably have good luck catering towards a Goddess both in vanilla and BDSM relationships.

The Powerful (common)
The Powerful can be similar to a Goddess but her drive is to feel the power of being the pant-wearing decision-maker.  She wants the final say in every important decision and that may extend over into minor decisions depending upon her mood.

Even though she is a Powerful, keep in mind there are times when she will not wish to have to make every trivial decision and it's up to you to have enough personality to manage in those times.  If she asks you what you would like for dinner, there's a good chance she is looking for ideas on what to have for dinner and repeating back "whatever you would like" again and again is likely to piss her off.  Answer her with a "how about ?" and know she will either veto or agree.  

The Pampered (very common)
The Pampered is also very similar to a Goddess but draws her primary pleasure in a different way.  She thrives on feeling catered to and waited on.  This will be a large part of day to day life and probably also bleed into the bedroom. 

With these types of Dommes be ready to flex your sub-skills to make her happy.  Being able to give her a great massage, mix her favorite drink perfectly, and showering her with gifts will go a long ways. 

The Man-Hater (uncommon)
While this might be viewed as an active role, I believe the pleasure that a Man-Hater derives from Femdom is more of a mindset than any one action.  Man-Haters are usually lesbians and generally harbor some long-standing hatred towards the male gender (often caused by trauma).  Man-Haters will usually dominate a male sub in several active roles usually with the intent of punishing them for being a man or using them as a representation of the entire male gender. 

While a relationship with a Man-Hater may be a form of fantasy, it is unlikely that a long-term healthy relationship could be sustained. 

The Female Supremacist (uncommon)
Female Supremacists may share similar characteristics to several of the other passive roles but they derive pleasure from feeling like a superior woman to an inferior man.  Many of the activities that may happen aren't viewed as luxuries, but seen more as the way things should be.   

Relationships with Female Supremacists have the potential to reach the greatest levels of intensity and often the most extreme activities.  I would recommend steering clear of these relationships unless you genuinely believe in Female Supremacy.

The Insecure (common)
The Insecure are Dommes that tend to go after Femdom relationships because they feel safer and more secure in them.  These relationships often aren't very healthy because rather than dominating out of confidence, they tend to dominate due to lack of confidence.  This may be only a temporary stage in a woman's life but it is difficult to maintain a healthy relationship with them while they are this way. 

I know that everyone feels insecure sometimes about something and so when I reference this group I mean it only for rather extreme cases.  If you can ride things out they may change for the better but it may take a lot of work, a lot of pain, and a decent amount of time for that to happen.  If you find yourself in one of these relationships and want to make things work my advice is to stay loyal, stay loving, and always give it your all.

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