Thursday, April 22, 2010

Communicating Sexuality With Your Partner

Something I have read quite a bit of recently (as well as over the past few years) are writings from submissives and sissies that have been married for years without ever communicating their desires to their wives or have only decided to communicate them recently.  In many of these cases they had these desires for years before they were married and have either been keeping them a secret for the duration of the relationship or have recently decided to "drop the bomb" and talk about it.

I always feel a little sadness when I read these stories.  I can understand someone wanting to keep these desires a secret and that is unfortunate that they feel the need to do so.  I have learned that these desires never go away and the more they are neglected, the stronger they are when they return.  For the one with the secret, they are faced with a the choice of either living unfulfilled in their marriage as is or having a serious discussion with their wife. 

In these cases I feel a lot of sympathy to the wives.  Many times they are blind-sided with a three-pronged attack:  1.  Their husband has been unfulfilled for years.  2.  Their husband has some off-beat desire they may or may not approve of.  3.  The wives are faced with the choice of changing their behavior or getting a divorce and shattering the life they have built together.  It must be an awful feeling... almost like a bait & switch.

Even if a woman makes changes to her life and happily embraces her new role as head of the household, I cannot help but think that the experience of finding out will probably haunt her for a long time.

It's easy to blame a lot of outside factors for how this comes about: society's taboo treatment of sexuality, the conservative roots of our nation and slow transition to sexual acceptance during the 20th century, millennia of gender roles, etc. but in reality, it's just hard for a lot of men to be honest with their partners about their sexual desires.  It's a scary thing to talk about... letting your partner know your deepest fantasies... risking rejection and fearing the worst.  While it might seem like a mountain, in reality, if she really loves you, she will accept you and those things about you (or at least tolerate them).  However, the longer you take to communicate those feelings, the more hurt she will be when she finally discovers the truth (and knows you had been hiding it from her the whole time).

The advice I will give to guys is, be honest with her.  She deserves it.  If you wish to be truly happy, you owe it to both of you.  If she drops you on the spot, she just freed you up to pursue a more fulfilling relationship.  If she accepts those parts about you and is willing to work towards something that will make both of you happy, you just cemented a relationship built on love and honesty.

While you might have a lot of fear and anxiety in opening up, remember that this will be nothing compared to the hurt she will probably be feeling.  Be prepared to be superman and treat her like a Queen to make it up to her while she heals emotionally.


  1. As you know you just told my story. I can't speak for all of us but most sissies hide this side of themselves for years. Society looks at us so differently and it blows the stereo type of what a man is suppose to be right out of the water.

    I wish I had been honest from the begining. That being said the ridcule and embarrassment attached to be outed sometimes is so overwhelming that we can't even trust our best friends, our wives. The longer you hold the secret the bigger the stigma attached to it becomes. Unles your wive is alreay dominant and invloved it becomes almost impossible to out yourself for fear of rejection, redicule and loss of that relationship. I swore as many of us did and do that I would atke this secert to the grave with me.

    And like most of us, I got caught. And the victim here, my wife. I took the choice of acceptint this or not away from her. You made a great observation in stating that either she will accept or not but by doing what I did and hiding that what she found out was that our whole marriage was a lie.

    The calateral damage is incredible. You hide your secert. Then, you harbor a resentment agianst her because you are not fulfill and she has has no idea. How f'ed up is that. The we all try the stuff it method. We swaer we will put it away and we all know that will never work. It makes your desire much harder to live with.

    Then, BOOM, she will find out. Now you have to deal with the betrayal, the lies and huge secert you need to explain.

    The best advise I could give is to be open and honest. Now, that being said I don't reccomend telling her " I love football, hiking and oh yeah, I just bought this cute little babydoll."

    Guys, allow your girlfriends or wife the benifit of the doubt. They will find out and you'll have a lot more then being a sissy to deal with. It will probaly be the hardest thing you ever do. But you are not being fair to her or to yourself if you don't.

    The outcome will be a completely unfulfilled life and trust me, sooner of later you will have to deal with this.

    Please feel free to read my blog and if you are uncomfortable asking questions in this forum feel free to e mail me. I was lucky, my wife forgave me and we have the best life ever now. BUT, I was lucky.

  2. Thanks again for writing, FH.

    It is a scenario that I have come across quite often in the Femdom/FLR lifestyle and I've often tried to help give people advice on how to introduce it. You definitely weren't/aren't alone in your experience and those types of stories pop up fairly regularly on most Femdom/Forced Fem boards.

    I've even had a local sub go as far as to try to get me to set up a meeting with another local Domme so that he could cheat on his wife in exchange for some rather extravagant gifts to the Domme. That was a bit of a downer. I told him to go to some couple's counseling and have some serious heart to heart talks with his wife and if he still felt that way later and was ready to get a divorce I would consider helping (I haven't heard from him since). Something just doesn't seem right about cheating on one's wife for a Femdom experience.

    I've been fortunate enough to have had this lifestyle brought to me by a girlfriend and since then I have only looked for relationships where FLR/Femdom would be at its core.

    Good luck to you, I will continue to follow your blog.