This is a direct follow up to my last post, Ideals, Enjoyment, and Female Pleasure in D/s
While writing the section "So how does it work for Her?" I tried to get at the root of a newer or reluctant Domme and how difficult it is to make D/s scenarios enjoyable for her both in an emotional and sexual sense. In my last post I think I did okay at covering the emotional side but I feel like I didn't get to the sexual side. For long-term happiness in a D/s relationship, the male will take sexual pleasure in submission so it's only natural that the Domme should take sexual pleasure in Dominance.
I talked a bit about this in my post Wanting to be "normal" but mainly covered it from the submissive side of things. The same principles hold true for a Domme and shedding the idea that D/s interaction is sexually deviant is the biggest hurdle to overcome. I say this with great reluctance but in all honesty, in a relationship where the male has introduced D/s to his wife or significant other, if she is unwilling or unable to overcome the thought that being Dominant is bad, perverse, or deviant, they are probably better off splitting up and letting her remain "normal" and letting him pursue his submissive desires. He won't be truly happy without it but she is foregoing lots of potential happiness if she gives up without giving it a fair chance.
There is a phrase that is often used to describe the feelings needed for a Domme to truly experience the D/s dynamic sexually and that is: "Drunk with Power."
While this phrase usually holds some negative connotations as it implies an abusive display of power performed solely to fulfill selfish personal wishes, the submissive male desires these actions from his Domme. This doesn't mean that she should hurt or maim him without regard for his well-being, but more that he wants her to think and act selfishly and force him to follow-suit. This is the sign of a devoted man. In many women's deepest fantasies, this is actually the type of man they want. While there are those out there that dream of having the take charge alpha male type, most women that have self-confidence and self-esteem would find much greater happiness if they called the shots.
How to avoid guilt
In my last post I mentioned that punishment alleviates guilt for a submissive male. This is easy. The difficulty lies in removing guilt from a woman being fully Dominant. We have been taught and raised to be kind, to share and think of others, and to nurture those we care about. So how can someone be selfishly drunk with power and still uphold those ideals that allow her to think of herself as a good person?
The easy way to think about it is: this is what he wants. If he needs to feel submissive to be happy, then meeting his submission with Dominance is kind and the key to his happiness. Each time you toss him an unfair and unjust situation that makes him struggle and agitates him at the pending outcome you are thinking of him and his needs and showing your love for him. Each time you punish him in a way that makes a repeat mistake less likely, you are nurturing him and helping build his submissive self-esteem. Men are just larger versions of boys. The same rules and principles of a mother disciplining her son apply to a Domme disciplining her sub. A firm, guiding hand brings him closer to the man he wants to be, which is the man that meets your needs.
Basically, you don't need to feel guilt because you are actually doing exactly what he needs to be happy, no matter how painful or unpleasant it might seem.
Moving beyond guilt brings us back to drunk with power. I'm sure most women out there have tons of stories from their past where this situation occurred at some point.
-An annoying little brother that you would tease and torment to get him to leave you alone or you would manipulate to make him do things for you. Did you ever wonder why those torments usually brought him back for more unless they were very unpleasant and even then he would be bugging you again tomorrow?.
-A boy with an unrequited crush on you that would bother you with his uncomfortable advances. When you wanted him to go away you would be overtly cruel and hurt his feelings. When you needed something you would use him and use his crush to get what you wanted. Did you ever wonder why he never gave up?
-Do you remember the first time you flirted to get your way? Teasing some store clerk into giving a discount or a waiter into giving you a free drink. When you did that you made his day.
-Did you ever play with dolls and make Ken do Barbie's bidding, basically being her slave? This may have been your first Femdom experience.
Each of these scenarios may have been exhilarating in the moment but may have lead to guilt later on. The guilt aspect is because aside from the dolls, none of the male participants had agreed to a D/s dynamic. Since a submissive male HAS agreed to those terms, you can focus on the pleasurable aspects of those situations.
Those examples display sexual power. Women using feminine charms to torment a man. While the boy with the crush may have annoyed you, he probably also made you feel attractive and powerful deep down. The little brother may have bugged you but each time you fucked with him it probably made you feel smart, capable, and strong. If you played with your dolls in that way it may have manifested your deepest desires even if they weren't consistent with the ways you were taught to act towards others.
In the previous section I showed how being selfish is actually consistent with how to treat a submissive male. It is the way you were taught to act towards others but at the same time it allows you to explore your inner-most desires.
If you could envision how you would play with dolls now with your perfect man being the Ken doll and you being the Barbie doll, how would they interact if you were to picture your ideal relationship?
I'm willing to wager that Ken is attentive and affectionate, giving compliments and being helpful, attending to your every need and making you feel like a Queen. In the bedroom he desires to interact sexually in exactly the way you want it without regard for his own pleasure. He makes you feel loved, beautiful, smart, sexy, strong, and confident. You reign over him, drunk with power and everything feels fine.
This is reality. Your submissive male is your own personal Ken doll and you are his Barbie. When you get home from work do you have neck tension from driving in rush hour and do your feet hurt from the shoes you wore each day? Would a neck rub and a foot massage make you feel better? Would it probably turn you on if it was done well? Good.
When you're horny does the thought of him going down on you and making your orgasm 20 times with his tongue seem like a good time? If you worry about being too tired to reciprocate afterward, don't worry, the submissive male needs no reciprocation. You can roll over and go to sleep, leaving him aching for release. You can tell him to go masturbate in the shower. You can keep going with sexual play and let him release. The choice is yours.
Has he ever under-performed in bed? Not enough endurance, too fast/rushed/sloppy, he doesn't hit your g-spot, he is too small, or just unfulfilling? Has this ever left you in a situation where you are glad you had the physical intimacy but at the same time you wished he could have done better? If so, decide the way you want to interact sexually. Teach him to be a better lover that is more attentive to your needs. If he sucks in bed, tell him that and train him to perform better (possibly removing sex entirely if he can't do it well). Will this hurt him? No, it will only damage his male ego. His submissive self will be proud when he has learned to best please you, regardless of his own pleasure.
Think back to the times where you were fucking with a boy and got a good laugh with your friends thinking "I can't believe I got him to do that." (Ignore any guilt you might have felt afterward.) How did it feel? Did it excite you and get you charged up? Did you feel naughty and wicked but in a good way? Did it make you feel powerful and clever? Were you drunk with power?
This is probably the hardest thing to really unleash in a woman. The "it's okay to feel good about teasing a boy and feeling naughty and wicked." If you can take pleasure in being drunk with power you are almost there. This is not a bad thing. If you reach this he will love you forever.
The next stage is growing to understand and use the mind fuck. I have written a bit about this in the past and it pretty much sums up Lady Grey's ideas about "keeping things interesting." The more mental, emotional, and physical agitation you can instill within him, the more submissive and aroused he will become and the more he will love you. Think of him as a boy you are teasing knowing the more you tease him and the more hoops you can make him jump through, the more he will love you and the more powerful you will feel. If this turns you on that is a good thing.
A few ideas on spicing things up:
Ask him to wear a pair of your panties to work (this is a common practice even amongst D/s relationships that don't practice feminization). If he protests tell him it isn't optional. Approach him and get close and gauge his reaction (grab his penis if you want to). Tell him if he doesn't it will displease you and there will be consequences. If you are "feeling it" in the moment you can even rattle off a consequence or two. If he is hard, you are making him happy. Wearing panties will make him think about you all day. The bigger question is, are you feeling anything inside while you are doing this?
Remove his speaking privileges for a couple of hours one evening. Make it clear that he should only speak when asked a question or given permission to speak. Try and bait him into talking. Tell him to fetch you a drink. When he brings one, tell him it is the wrong beverage. He will probably ask you what kind of drink you want. Answer him and when he returns with the drink have him drop his pants, grab his penis, and give him 10 hard whacks on a bare bottom with your hand, a hairbrush, a leather-soled slipper, or whatever you might choose and tell him to stand or kneel in the corner with his pants down for 5 minutes for speaking without permission. Find a reason to walk-by him and you'll see he probably has an erection. If it happens again give him 20 the next time. This is going to excite him and make him love you. Does it do anything for you?
Have him pleasure you in the bedroom to your heart's content. When you are satisfied play with his penis (or order him to play with it) until he is about to cum and then stop. Tell him you are proud of him but that he hasn't earned an orgasm yet. Get a grip on his balls and gauge their size (you can gently squeeze or tug on them if you want). Tell him that you know how full he is and you'll be inspecting him in the morning to make sure he hasn't cheated. In the morning have him pleasure you again. When you are satisfied grab his balls again and make sure they are the same size or larger than they were the night before. If you are feeling great love for him, let him cum and take some pleasure in the volume and force behind his load. Yes, it was you that was responsible for his huge ejaculation. On the off-chance that he cheated and masturbated while you were sleeping you'll probably have to beat the shit out of him.
These are just some ideas to help set the dynamic and gain some pleasure/appreciation for the Dominant role. Hopfully you can find some pleasure in being able to do whatever you want, get whatever you want, and have a man that loves you more the more you ask of him.