While leaving some comments on Lady Grey's blog posting Rules, Responsibility and the Kink it got me thinking about this subject more in depth.
Something that doesn't sit very well with me when these types of topics come up and I think it's due to a mix of factors that tend to contradict one another. Subs will have a tendency to speak out that their wife isn't dominant enough but when someone refers to the dominance or submission that occurs in their lifestyle as being inadequate, the rabidly defend their position that it is everything they'd hoped for but always follow it up with a "you can't expect a fantasy lifestyle of
a) is enough to keep you happy in the long run.
b) is not enough to keep you happy in the long run.
Everyone seems to hope for c) it is enough because she refuses to dominate me further and if I press it too hard she'll divorce me so I've convinced myself this is the end-all-be-all of lifestyles or I couldn't be happy.
I wrote a post of a similar type a while ago titled Thoughts on Vanilla to D/s Conversion Techniques.
While this isn't really a technique, it's more of a thought process to try and "bridge the gap" between fantasy and reality that might help some people in this kind of situation. This post will hopefully give some insight to subs, potential subs, fledgling Dommes, and reluctant Dommes.
Analyzing The Great Myth
There is a great myth in sub-land known as "I do it because it makes her happy and her life easier." This is a great ideal and I'm sure it makes up a fraction of why a sub actually submits and performs activities/actions he wouldn't want to do in a standard vanilla relationship. State this in front of your wife's friends and then beam in pride as they say they wish they had a man like you. While it is a non-kinky way to introduce the D/s dynamic to a vanilla S/O, the key phrase here is "it makes up a fraction of why."
The natural follow-up is, what is the rest of it?
Digging into the psyche of the submissive male, things get a bit strange. While "to make her life easier" flows so well in logic and in the heart and makes a D/s lifestyle desirable and natural, if it didn't arouse us, we wouldn't do it unless we felt like it. Unfortunately "to make her life easier" and "to make her happy" aren't the primary driving factors of submissive male arousal (although Dommes would find their searches much easier if they truly were).
Introduce rules, chores, and routines into the mix and your logic might wish to believe it's "because we're supposed to do it." This becomes a game of principles. "Any man that loves his wife should do this," "it's the right thing to do," and "it's the way it should be," come to mind. State these reasons in front of your wife's friends and beam in pride as they say they wish they had a man like you. It is a bit more D/s than the previous reasons, but it's still not quite that way. This is where many subs who have reluctant wives get stuck. They do it because they're supposed to and because of the other two reasons above. Again, this is great in principle and makes up a fraction of the reasons for D/s, but then why do they still imply a desire for more?
This brings us to the next step and at this point you will find the source of arousal for a submissive male. "I do it because if I don't do it or don't do it well, there will be unpleasant consequences." It is really the "do it or else" consequences that gets off the male sub. No one wants to state outright that this is what turns them on because it makes them feel selfish and abnormally kinky/deviant. However, the truth of it is that it gets them off when she steps up in an authoritarian way and exerts the inequality of their D/s relationship that really gets his blood pumping.
An example breakdown:
1. I clean the bathroom because it makes her life easier and she's happier when I do it for her than when she has to do it. (~20% of the reason)
2. I clean the bathroom because a husband who loves his wife should make sacrifices for her. (~20% of the reason)
3. I clean the bathroom thoroughly because if I don't clean the bathroom to her expectations I'll get a painful over-the-knee spanking, some time-out corner time, and I won't get to orgasm for a week. (~60%+ of the reason and ~90% of the arousal)
NOTE: I have met a few of the rare type that make up 0.02% of submissive men, these being the types that actually have a fetish for no-strings house-cleaning and similar activities. They get off on doing something that isn't enjoyable and to be thanklessly brushed off by whomever they are providing service for. This truly is a rare type, but they do exist. What I can say for sure is that if you have ever said something like "it's all for her happiness" and within 5 minutes also said "it's enough because the other stuff is just kinky fantasy," you aren't one of these types. Those types would never say it's enough for them because in most cases it turns them on that no one cares if it is enough for them or not.
What this Means for Dommes
Observationally speaking, the above breakdown may make sense but there is still a gap that needs to be bridged and that is "what useful application of this knowledge is there to be had?"
Newer and reluctant Dommes tend to be a bit afraid of going too far in dominance. They are often scared of hurting their sub emotionally and physically in a bad way and scared that if they unleash a significant amount of cruelty that he will want to leave. Intensity tends to grow together in both dominance and submission. I have referred to this in the past as "progressive escalation." This is completely natural as when something becomes ordinary, the boundaries must be pressed in order to achieve the same level of intensity in the future. In cases where a sub introduced the D/s lifestyle to his wife, he has usually been fantasizing for a loooooong time before she even thought about it, so there is a naturally catching up that needs to be done. If he was as new to the fantasy as she was, this learning curve wouldn't seem so steep but in most cases he is several years into the mindset while she is just beginning. The stumbling blocks tend to happen as she is in the process of catching up to where he is.
While it might be hard for a Domme to inflict cruelty on someone she loves, it is the cruelty that he truly craves. The threat of punishment and consequences... the fear of her potential wrath at displeasure... the knowledge that she controls his pleasure and pain... these are the things he craves and deep down, truly needs.
I can see how this would be a strange concept to embrace for a newer or reluctant Domme, but it's the truth. He wants to face your wrath if you're displeased. He wants to be denied pleasure if he failed to please you. He wants to give up control and has resigned himself to following your lead. If you want him to truly love you, be selfish and let the dominance flow. The more difficult you make things the more he will be yours.
Lady Grey took this one giant leap further in her last entry, an excerpt I've quoted here:
"A written rule like "Clean the toilet every day" becomes quite a different thing when I tie my husband's hands together and attach them to his cock and balls with a two foot rope and then tell him to clean the toilet."
This is a perfect example of tossing a curve-ball to a sub and keeping the mundane interesting and arousing. Chances are he would be fighting a hard-on the entire time at both the situation you set out for him, the additional struggles he has to bear for no apparent reason, and the panic knowing that he must perform as well as when his hands are free to please you.
So how does it work for Her?
All of this might be fine and dandy so far in understanding his needs but there's still a problem with "doing it" for her. Unless she's naturally dominant, there's no reason yet for any of these things to get her off. I propose a certain way of thinking about it.
Simplify things by getting to the root of her emotional spectrum:
My submission is a symbol of my love for you.
My obedience is a symbol of my respect for you.
My focus on your priorities is a symbol of my devotion to you.
My acceptance of your will is a symbol of my trust in you.
I want everything to be perfect for you so that you will be happy. I know I will stumble and I hope you will help me be your perfect man. This process won't be easy.
I hope your hand will guide me. I accept any pleasure or pain you feel I deserve.
By submitting to you he is giving you his all. This is the most he can give of himself and he chose you as the person he wants to give it to. Know that he submits out of strength rather than out of weakness. Yes, it turns him on to do so, but there's worse things that could turn him on. Let him display his love, devotion, obedience, respect, and trust for you in actions and cherish his submission. Know that he will thrive under adversity if you place that upon him. It will keep him focused, aroused, and happy. He needs your love and appreciation but he does not crave kindness in return.
He wants you to control his orgasms. When he cums he will do so with pride. When he is denied it will make him try harder to please you. He has given you this control out of love and trust. He only wants to have pleasure when you have been pleased.
He wants you to punish him when he has failed to please you. A submissive mind carries loads of guilt. Punishment frees him of this guilt and he will love you for it (even if he hates the actual punishment). Punishment will also make him try harder the next time. He accepts this punishment so that he can make you happy.
He wants you to hold him to impossibly high standards. If you expect only the best from him it shows him that you think highly of him and he feels like he is capable of being the best. Cherish that you have a man who wants to be the best to make you happy.
He wants you to fuck with him. While it might seem wantonly cruel on the outside, he will accept your cruelty with happiness because this means you love him enough as a submissive to provide situations that keep him focused and aroused. Take this as a sign of his devotion and he will be happy if his struggles entertain you.
I could go on an on but basically, accept these things as a symbol of his love and try to flow with it to love him back. Know that by being cruel you are delivering pleasure and try to take some pleasure in that knowledge. If you haven't found a way to make it turn you on, please, keep searching.
Looking back over this post... it seems like I derailed a bit but I hope it went somewhere that someone might find useful or interesting.
What a wonderful post, fur! You've said so much, and said it so well. It's so true that many subs simply can't verbalize or even face the truth about their desire to be tormented with difficult ways to do mundane tasks, held accountable, and punished if the task is not performed to his Dom's satisfaction. Nor can most budding Doms even imagine that such a scenario is not only acceptable but desirable.
ReplyDeleteThe rationalization that goes on in blogs written by subs who are never going to really get what they want is sad to witness, and your description of such rationalizations is "spot on" as the British love to say.
The section of your post following the words "So how does it work for Her?" down to the penultimate paragraph should be required reading for any novice Dom, and is absolutely brilliant.
"He wants you to fuck with him" would make a great poster on the wall of any budding Dom. It's so basic, it's so true, that one can only shake one's head that it's so rarely understood.
Let me share a few words from Barbara at "A Domestic Domme", a beautifully written and very intelligent blogsite in an entry entitled "Bitch? No, Just Confident!":
"...allow me to direct a few words at women who are asked to be dominant by a lover. First of all, be honoured! Be very honoured! A man has trusted you enough to share his most hidden desires and fantasies with you. This is huge, since we all know that most men find it very difficult to communicate. So for God's sake, don't panic and loose your head. Of course you are taken aback, but listen to him. If you manage to suspend any judgement, this may very well be one of the most intimate moments you ever share with him. It may also be a start of something new and very special for the both of you."
And later in the entry: "I'd also like to direct a few words at the men who are considering asking their lover to become dominant. What you are about to do, is one of the bravest things you have ever done or will ever do. It's wonderful that you put such trust in your partner. But be careful! You are about to confront her with a role in which she most likely never pictured herself. Most likely she will be very surprised that her partner harbours such desires. She may even become upset and feel betrayed that you mention this at the current point of the relationship and blame you that you should have mentioned it earlier. They key here is patience. I can not stress that enough. Be patient. If someone is about to parachute out of a plane for the first time, you don't just push them out of the plane and see how they get on. You instruct them, teach them techniques, tell them what to expect, do tandem jumps and only then do you allow someone to jump solo. A woman who is asked to be dominant is like someone parachuting into completely unknown territory. Don't expect her to know anything about it or understand what she is supposed to do."
Sage advice, such as Barbara's and yours is precious and I hope that the people who need it most find both of your blogs and put the words to good use.
Thank you for the praise, Lady Grey.
ReplyDeleteI wrote a follow-up to this post already, trying to gather my thoughts together with where I was trying to go with it in the first place. I look forward to any comments you might have on that one as well. I have mentored a few newer Dommes in the past and trying to teach the pleasure in being wicked is one of the hardest things to do.
I agree that the "he wants you to fuck with him" concept is one that is rarely grasped or utilized. I was trying to find a more eloquent way of wording it but that was the best that I could do. I'm glad the concise albeit slightly crude statement meets your approval.
I will definitely check out that post on A Domestic Domme. I'm a bit behind on my reading and writing right now due to things going on in my life.
Your comments make me feel quite good about my writing. I can't help but wish that I had more readers, but I can appreciate quality over quantity :)
Thanks again.