Thursday, September 23, 2010

Keeping up the momentum

A while back on my July 14th post, I was writing as a response to Lady Grey's suggestion to write about the responsibility of health concerns when it came to D/s activities.  When I was trying to think about what to write about this evening (it's been a while since my last "intellectual" post, if you want to call them that) and mixed with my current situation it gave me some things to think about.

I always applaud the Dommes out there that are able to keep their D/s lifestyles going a good portion of the time, always finding ways to keep their subs captivated, or at least on edge.   It's common, when stresses of life or health come into play that the D/s sometimes fades away for periods as things get settled.  This isn't always the case but you'll find many blogs shared by Dommes and subs that often write about dry spells where both parties seem a bit unhappy and not getting enough "quality" time to spend with one another.

My Mistress and I are currently in a bit of a dry spell, in that it's probably been 5 or 6 weeks since our last D/s interaction.  We've both been busy, stressed, stretched in both time and money, and drifting slowly towards the land known as depression.  Even with seeing this it's still difficult to snap out of the funk.  In a D/s relationship this gets especially tricky due to the nature of the roles.

When a sub feels neglected it is generally acceptable behavior to communicate this to the Domme but doing more than stating what is most likely obvious to both parties often nears a D/s taboo.  It's a bit odd in this way.  "We haven't had much time for play and I miss it," is okay but to insist that it should happen soon and in what way/shape/form it should occur treads the line of the ever-so-dreaded topping from the bottom.  If his pleas go unheeded it may lead to relationship stress and resentment.  If he begins to insist on anything, it starts to erode the very nature of D/s.

On the other hand, if the feelings are felt more strongly by the Domme, she may simply instigate whatever D/s activity she wishes in the moment and the problem is solved for both parties.

A vanilla outsider might say this is unfair but this unfairness is at the the root of the D/s relationship: she gets what she wants when she wants it, he might get what he wants if she permits that to happen.  The difficulty in this is that it puts a large amount of responsibility on the Domme while rendering the sub helpless to shoulder some of the burden.  I like to believe that most D/s relationships are happier when they are immersed in D/s and less happy when the D/s is absent. 

So who is responsible?  It's hard to say this without coming off as a lazy male, but in my opinion it ends up being primarily up to the Domme to keep things rolling.  That doesn't mean she has to always come through with fetish and theatrics, but if she is calling the shots on when/how the kink happens, it is up to her to find a way to inject kink when she can, even if it's just to keep both parties spirits up.  It could be an eventful evening or a small gesture (e.g. having him do chores naked wearing just a collar or servicing her before bedtime). 

That doesn't free the sub from responsibilities but his are a bit different.  Rather than instigating the kink it is up to him to keep her feeling sexy and powerful by his words and actions.  Romantic gestures and continued attentiveness through the drought are on his shoulders. 

Basically, I think that it's up to him to keep her feeling like a sexy and powerful Mistress while it's up to her to act as that Mistress enough to keep both parties happy and sane.

Any thoughts?


  1. You and I have discussed the question of responsibility at length on my blog entry "Rules, Responsibility and the Kink" so I won't bother to rehash all we talked about. I'll just chime in and say that I completely agree with you that the bulk of the responsibility for keeping the D/s vibrant and healthy is on the shoulders of the Dom.

    I get very aggravated when I hear of a Dom who is ignoring this responsibility and letting the relationship flounder. A sub NEEDS a Dom to take charge in all things, and without this, the very essence of the coupling becomes senseless. By definition, a Dom must dominate - or else why bother?

    As you say, a sub has responsibilities as well, not only in letting his Dom know how desirable she is, and how much he relishes the power she exhibits, but in communicating when there is a problem. It takes two to tango, as the saying goes, even (especially, actually) in a D/s relationship.

  2. Thank you, Lady Grey. The post you mentioned was what I had in mind but I couldn't remember exactly where our dialogue took place.

    This situation is one I am in right now and it's very difficult for me to communicate about it with her since she tends to take it personally and have her feelings hurt if I approach her and let her know that I need her to be dominant.

    Sometimes it works out (usually when I am extremely stressed out) but other times it fails miserably and leads to a fight (usually when she is extremely stressed out). I guess this is just how I feel about things right now and don't see us having time for quality time in the near future and it's a bit frustrating.