Thursday, October 7, 2010

Keeping the Wheels On: An Exercise in Complexity

I know that I've written in the past that D/s relationships can be difficult when there aren't open lines of communication and how the D/s aspects can be dysfunctional at times if the submissive party isn't able to give any input on the direction of the relationship.

Now I'm in the midst of one of those times where there was some betrayal of trust that has led to an emotional conflict within me.  Earlier in the week we went out for the evening with a group of vanilla friends.  There was a lot of drinking involved and I sober-cabbed us back to our home and several of our friends came along to hang out.  Upon returning back my Mistress disappeared along with one of the men who was out with us.  I went up stairs and walked into our bedroom and found him naked standing in front of her while she was sitting on the bed.  I said that it wasn't okay and she said they were going to come downstairs again.  Twenty minutes later I returned upstairs and he had his pants on, but she was getting undressed.  This led to a bit of a confrontation.  She admitted that she had planned on pegging him (even though he was so drunk he could barely stand).  

There is a little back story to this.  For the past couple of months our lives have been about 95% vanilla and 5% D/s, so it's not like we are in some 24/7 cuckold situation.  In the past we had talked about certain BDSM activities that go beyond the scope of what I am interested in or are/were hard limits.  In those cases, we met the other person, got to know one-another, and she did some play with other men under some pre-defined circumstances and expectations.  One time she whipped a guy harshly with a single tail in exchange for having him clean our house.  Another time she pegged a guy a few times and he gave her many gifts such as a fur coat, expensive purses, etc.  These were people I knew and we would all hang out together as friends. 

This situation is a bit different in a few ways:
-Things had not been pre-negotiated.
-He was one of our mutual vanilla friends that is also friends with our other vanilla friends.
-It was done without my consent.
-She was going to do it without his full consent (he was aware enough to know he was going to be doing something sexual, but never really knew she was going to peg him). 

It's not like my permission is paramount.  If she feels super strongly about something that I'm not comfortable with, I am okay with her playing elsewhere to have those needs satiated.  I just want to know when my abilities aren't doing enough to satisfy her needs.  I have torn down nearly every hard limit that we established entering the relationship in order to become more pleasing to her.  Because certain things take time, e.g. a few weeks with a training plug in order to stretch out the rectum for a strap-on, she hasn't taken an interest in taking that time with me and in this case she wanted to look elsewhere. 

This hurts me quite a bit in several ways.  After four years together I'd like to think she is willing to work towards things with me.  I've come to terms with a lot of this but I'm just not sure how I should feel about it.  I'm hurt and angry and feeling betrayed (both with her and with our friend).  The night that it happened she played the "but I'm the Domme and can do what I want," card and that had me a bit frustrated.    If things were 24/7 I could accept that, but if I'm only submissive 5% of the time in the relationship, should I be expected to be submissive the other 95% of the time when it's convenient for her? 

If she's going to be dominant most of the time and I'm forced to adhere to a strict set of conduct and rules, then yes, I am a bit more okay with her doing what she pleases.  If I'm expected to be responsible, confident, and independent most of the time and snap into subspace simply to appeal to her reasons, I don't feel as okay about things.

This is one of those times where it's really hard being a sub.  "But I'm the Domme and I can do what I want," and "Well it was okay last time," just aren't doing anything to make me feel okay about things, more submissive, or to make me love her more.  Ignoring the lack of forethought and potential to ruin our public and professional lives if she had gone through with pegging him, I'm just completely confused and saddened by this.

I guess I don't know if I'm in the right to be angry about this.  In my deeper states of subspace I would probably just cry and hope to be punished for trying to deny her pleasure.  In the realm of common sense and normal mindset I just feel icky inside. 


  1. This is a very personal entry, and though I appreciate your sharing it, I find myself at a bit of a loss for words - not a typical situation for me.

    In trying to understand what you're going through, I'm trying to imagine myself in the same situation, but in reverse. That is, imagining Karl seeking another Dom to satisfy needs I can't satisfy without bothering to discuss his needs with me, and essentially behind my back. To tell you the truth, I find the prospects of such a thing happening simply unbelievable in our case, so it's difficult for me to empathize. I do know I would not accept it if it happened. I would be hurt beyond words, confused beyond description and angry beyond rational thoughts of forgive and forget. It would most likely end our marriage.

    I can't speak for you Fur, especially since you're in the position of a submissive who may expect to be abused emotionally, but I know the limits of my own acceptance, and the things you've described far exceed them. This is why I haven't commented before on this entry, but since you essetially asked me to do it, well, there you have it. For what it's worth, I might add. I do hate to end on such a negative note. Sorry, but that's how I feel.

  2. Thank you very much, Lady Grey.

    I always appreciate and respect honesty above everything else. I also very much appreciate you taking the time to comment on this.

    "I would be hurt beyond words, confused beyond description and angry beyond rational thoughts of forgive and forget." sums up how I felt for the first few days.

    I struggle at times with my feelings as a man and my feelings as a sub. As a man, I am angry and hurt. As a sub, wishful thinking almost has me believing her "I'm the Domme, I can do what I want," rationale.

    I guess a lot of it is rooted in my low self-esteem and fear of being alone for say, five years, when courting is one of the most difficult things I have ever attempted.

    I have a lot to think about and process emotionally. Thank you again for your input. I'd rather hear truthful negativity than a false positive.

  3. There are a few things I find desturbing:

    Obviously her cuckolding-plans were nothing you consented in. She even didn't inform you. This may be pretty normal in some D/s-relationships (even vanillas know "open relationships"), but obviously not in your case. So, this could be seen as betrayal.
    She intented to peg a vanilla friend without his consent while he was drunk. This may sound harsh, but in my view that comes close an attempted abuse. Even if he were not a friend and even if he were not vanilla, this would not be allright, but in this situation here it's even more unacceptable.
    You write you see a danger for your public and professional life. She obviously didn't care about this or didn't think about it. Hm.
    Afterwards she did not show any signs of compassion or understanding for your problems. "I'm the Domme, I can do what I want" - this does not sound as if she was concerned about your wellbeing. It sounds like a pure ego-trip.

    This is a sad situation. I never had to face such problems yet (fortunately), so I can just imagine how you feel, but in my opinion you should ask yourself 2 things:
    - Do I really want to trust and to submit to a woman who would even abuse a vanilla friend sexually for her pleasure?
    - Do I really want to trust and to submit to a woman who has no empathy and does not really care about my limits and feelings?

    Perhaps she will change, perhaps not. If not, be prepared to face even more frustration in the future. Right now she seems to enjoy her personal ego-trip without concern of possible consequences and without interest for the feelings of other people.

    Do you think you can learn to enjoy your submission, even if she follows her whims in a rather reckless manner? If not... well, there is a nice saying: Better a terrible end than unending terror. There are other Doms out there, and some of them are more trustworthy.

    Best wishes.

    - Deborah -

  4. Thank you for the comments, Deborah.

    You have summed up why I have kept myself emotionally distanced over the past month or so.

    Mistress and I both suffer from scars going back to childhood abuse. She gets into depression ruts and can often self-destruct in the process. This wasn't so much of an ego-trip but more so just a very poor way of dealing with her demons. I'm trying not to rationalize her behavior nor my reaction simply for the sake of continuing dysfunction but it can be tough.

    I have some deep-rooted abandonment issues (show me an orphan who doesn't) and a lot of emotional baggage due to being unsuccessful at dating over a long period of time. This leads me to stick things out in relationships even when I probably shouldn't.

    Basically, I'm terrified of being alone and I struggle with being attractive to women. These are my own demons that I haven't been able to conquer.

    We're still in the process of trying to patch things up and she's recently started on a higher dose of her anti-depressants.

  5. Fur, is being alone and searching a better, more caring and reasonable Mistress really worse than being hurt?

    I am sorry about your and her negative childhood experiences, it's far from easy to face one's inner demons. But if a relationship causes more stress than pleasure, more hurt feelings than positive and enjoyable feelings it's time to leave, in my view. Whether this relationship is worth fighting for or not is a question you must answer for yourself. But if you think the right answer is "no" then don't allow your inner demons to rule over your life. This may cause you even more pain.

    I really hope you two can fix the problems in your relationship. (If she experienced childhood abuse... why can't she reign with more empathy? She should understand very well how destructive non-con activities can be.)
    And if not I wish you the wisdom and inner strenght to say goodbye... before this relationship disappoints you even more. A bad relationship is not really a good method for gaining more self-confidence.

    Best wishes,

    - Deborah -

  6. Thank you for writing again, Deborah.

    I'm giving us a chance to improve things but if they go sour again I'm not sure what will happen. It seems like when things are bad it becomes the struggle between what I know I should do and the fear of starting the search again.

    I'm hoping things stabilize or else I know I will be facing that battle once again.