I know that I've written in the past that D/s relationships can be difficult when there aren't open lines of communication and how the D/s aspects can be dysfunctional at times if the submissive party isn't able to give any input on the direction of the relationship.
Now I'm in the midst of one of those times where there was some betrayal of trust that has led to an emotional conflict within me. Earlier in the week we went out for the evening with a group of vanilla friends. There was a lot of drinking involved and I sober-cabbed us back to our home and several of our friends came along to hang out. Upon returning back my Mistress disappeared along with one of the men who was out with us. I went up stairs and walked into our bedroom and found him naked standing in front of her while she was sitting on the bed. I said that it wasn't okay and she said they were going to come downstairs again. Twenty minutes later I returned upstairs and he had his pants on, but she was getting undressed. This led to a bit of a confrontation. She admitted that she had planned on pegging him (even though he was so drunk he could barely stand).
There is a little back story to this. For the past couple of months our lives have been about 95% vanilla and 5% D/s, so it's not like we are in some 24/7 cuckold situation. In the past we had talked about certain BDSM activities that go beyond the scope of what I am interested in or are/were hard limits. In those cases, we met the other person, got to know one-another, and she did some play with other men under some pre-defined circumstances and expectations. One time she whipped a guy harshly with a single tail in exchange for having him clean our house. Another time she pegged a guy a few times and he gave her many gifts such as a fur coat, expensive purses, etc. These were people I knew and we would all hang out together as friends.
This situation is a bit different in a few ways:
-Things had not been pre-negotiated.
-He was one of our mutual vanilla friends that is also friends with our other vanilla friends.
-It was done without my consent.
-She was going to do it without his full consent (he was aware enough to know he was going to be doing something sexual, but never really knew she was going to peg him).
It's not like my permission is paramount. If she feels super strongly about something that I'm not comfortable with, I am okay with her playing elsewhere to have those needs satiated. I just want to know when my abilities aren't doing enough to satisfy her needs. I have torn down nearly every hard limit that we established entering the relationship in order to become more pleasing to her. Because certain things take time, e.g. a few weeks with a training plug in order to stretch out the rectum for a strap-on, she hasn't taken an interest in taking that time with me and in this case she wanted to look elsewhere.
This hurts me quite a bit in several ways. After four years together I'd like to think she is willing to work towards things with me. I've come to terms with a lot of this but I'm just not sure how I should feel about it. I'm hurt and angry and feeling betrayed (both with her and with our friend). The night that it happened she played the "but I'm the Domme and can do what I want," card and that had me a bit frustrated. If things were 24/7 I could accept that, but if I'm only submissive 5% of the time in the relationship, should I be expected to be submissive the other 95% of the time when it's convenient for her?
If she's going to be dominant most of the time and I'm forced to adhere to a strict set of conduct and rules, then yes, I am a bit more okay with her doing what she pleases. If I'm expected to be responsible, confident, and independent most of the time and snap into subspace simply to appeal to her reasons, I don't feel as okay about things.
This is one of those times where it's really hard being a sub. "But I'm the Domme and I can do what I want," and "Well it was okay last time," just aren't doing anything to make me feel okay about things, more submissive, or to make me love her more. Ignoring the lack of forethought and potential to ruin our public and professional lives if she had gone through with pegging him, I'm just completely confused and saddened by this.
I guess I don't know if I'm in the right to be angry about this. In my deeper states of subspace I would probably just cry and hope to be punished for trying to deny her pleasure. In the realm of common sense and normal mindset I just feel icky inside.