Saturday, April 9, 2011

Fetish, Happiness, and Subspace

Lady Grey left some good comments on my last post.  I had started working through some additional thoughts in a full post but about halfway through I found myself just sort of spinning in circles and unsure of where I was going, so here's take two.

My other post was me trying to figure out if it's an actual activity that "does it" for me or if it's more about the situation than the actual events.

I kind of look at my submissive self in three different ways:
1.  Things that drive me sexually.
2.  Things that I need to be happy.
3.  Things that increase my subspace.

My sexual drives are what I consider to be my fetishes.  They pretty much turn me on all the time and aren't things that are directly related to a woman's anatomy or figure (e.g. I don't consider enjoying breasts a fetish).  My list of these things includes:
-A woman's aggressive and dominant personality.
-Being a submissive (which I think is slightly different than just being submissive).
-Women wearing fur or fur-trimmed clothing.
-Women wearing certain styles of boots.
-Women wearing certain styles of gloves.
-The touch of fur.
-Bondage: both restraining and ornamental (e.g. collars).
-"Safe" humiliation and emasculation (safe = controlled environment with no risk).
-Tease and Denial.

Those things really make me tick sexually but at the same time.  What I choose to fantasize about in my free time usually involves many of these but often goes well beyond what I might actually want to do.

Things that I need to be happy:

-Trust/security (I know that if I do my part she won't abandon me)
-Subspace (it gives me inner peace)

Things that increase my subspace (sorry if any of these seem redundant):
-Inequality of power.
-The removal of "true" choice and freedom.
-Expectations of perfection and strict consequences.
-Feeling inferior.
-Having actions or activities forced upon me.
-Justifications for cruelty (e.g. this is for your own good, you can't control your penis, etc.).
-Mind fucks.

These seem really easy to understand when I look at activities that I consciously enjoy and know turn me on.  e.g. Being chained down to a bed by a Venus in Furs who teases my nipples.

However, it becomes more complicated when I look at activities that I don't don't enjoy (or even flat out dislike) but they give me some beneficial feelings in other ways.  They tend to feed each other in a circular manner.  In my last post I referenced pegging, forced feminization, and chastity.  When I think of pegging in general, it doesn't do anything to me.  The same goes for forced fem and chastity.  If I incorporate a situation involving a dominant woman and circumstances surrounding each of those activities, it "does it" for me.  I have experienced each of these things and found they held some positives and some negatives but pegging doesn't release that basic trigger in me like a Venus in Furs might.

I tried to look for the commonalities across all things, both the ones that I enjoy and the ones that I didn't and really only found one thing:  A woman with the capacity and desire for cruelty.

It's not that I would want to be pegged again but I desire a woman that would peg me if she felt like it.  It's not that I crave forced fem but I desire a woman that would make me dress up or face severe consequences.  It's not that I crave chastity but I desire a woman that might force it upon me as a punishment or just because she felt like it.  I don't like being spanked but I desire a woman that would spank me whenever she felt like it.

I don't know if this is the act or the idea of the act.  Knowing that I don't crave the act but crave the potential that the act might happen regardless of what I want makes me a bit confused. 

I'm starting to get a bit frustrated since I haven't come to an answer on this but when I envision a woman that does whatever she wants regardless of whether I like it or hate it I get turned on.  Now I am realistic, love, trust, and subspace would have to be involved for me to feel happy and satisfied.  I also doubt I could be happy with a Domme that was also an active member of PETA (I would rather her dress in fur and keep me in chastity than not wear it at all). 

So... a fur-appreciating Mistress that loves me and enjoys doing things that put me into deep subspace is probably the greatest satisfaction I could hope for and I crave that more than I would any one activity. 

But alas... this still doesn't really find the answers I was looking for.  I will mull it over for the next few days.


  1. You've made it clear (even in your own mind) that what you desire is the type of Dom who will DO the act if she feels like it, rather than the act itself. Fine. But when you mention the act itself (pegging, chastity, etc.)you go on to say that you have actually experienced it, so it's not just in the realm of fantasy, you KNOW what the particular act feels like. You don't like the act, but you love the Dom for having forced you to experience it.

    My question would be, when you fantasize, how do you separate the act from the Dom? You say it's not the act that turns you on, but the Dom who would be willing to perform the act. But there you are on your bed all alone, daydreaming sub-like, and you're thinking about....what? Just the lady herself? Isn't she DOING something to you while you fantasize? I can't imagine that she's not doing something, and that something - whether you like it or not - is tied in with the fantasy.

    So it seems to me that you can't just compartmentalize the fantasy (i.e. the "idea" of the act) versus the act. There's a connection, no matter how distatasteful the act. As a matter of fact, it might even be said that the more distasteful the act is to you, the more attractive the Dom who would perform it would be. I'm just guessing about that, but it's significant that you've actually experienced acts that proved distasteful and still find the Dom who performed the act highly desirable, and would not dream of stopping her from doing it again, should she so wish.

    As an aside, I might ask at just what point does the act become so repugnant that the type of Dom who would do "THAT" to you also becomes repugnant? Or is there such a point? Would the idea of such a Dom still be a turn-on?

  2. Lady Grey,

    I know that I am probably full of shit on this one, I just haven't figured it out yet to know in what way. A lot of it probably stems from the lack of any D/s interactions in 7+ months in our relationship. Many events are a fairly distant memory now and most of my D/s wishes end up only in my mind.

    There are fantasies of things that I haven't experienced that drift through my head both in dreams and while awake that end up turning me on but I know I probably couldn't handle them. e.g. being imprisoned/enslaved and constantly beaten, 5 years of chastity, etc.

    I'm trying to find some reasons for the inconsistencies between my mind and arousal.

    With this I was more thinking along the lines of what I left as a comment on your blog: someone who gets off by being a human table vs. someone who gets off by being made to be a human table. I know there are people out there with a pegging fetish that just want to see/experience that regardless of the situation (voluntary vs. involuntary, violent vs. gentle, mutual vs. singular pleasure, etc). For pegging to arouse me at all it requires a "forced" scenario. Are these two situations different?

    Do I have D/s activities that are strong enough to arouse me in an impersonal way or does it require a Domme and situation along with it?

    You are right that I can't really separate the Domme from the act with the lone exceptions being women dressed in certain styles of clothing and certain types of bondage.

    "I might ask at just what point does the act become so repugnant that the type of Dom who would do "THAT" to you also becomes repugnant? Or is there such a point? Would the idea of such a Dom still be a turn-on?

    There are definitely points that I would not cross. Those are the things that I consider my hard limits. I'm not quite sure if the subspace was deep enough how many of my remaining limits I would be okay with having broken, but I know I would have at least a couple intact and I would be willing to walk if I had to.