Lady Grey left some good comments on my last post. I had started working through some additional thoughts in a full post but about halfway through I found myself just sort of spinning in circles and unsure of where I was going, so here's take two.
My other post was me trying to figure out if it's an actual activity that "does it" for me or if it's more about the situation than the actual events.
I kind of look at my submissive self in three different ways:
1. Things that drive me sexually.
2. Things that I need to be happy.
3. Things that increase my subspace.
My sexual drives are what I consider to be my fetishes. They pretty much turn me on all the time and aren't things that are directly related to a woman's anatomy or figure (e.g. I don't consider enjoying breasts a fetish). My list of these things includes:
-A woman's aggressive and dominant personality.
-Being a submissive (which I think is slightly different than just being submissive).
-Women wearing fur or fur-trimmed clothing.
-Women wearing certain styles of boots.
-Women wearing certain styles of gloves.
-The touch of fur.
-Bondage: both restraining and ornamental (e.g. collars).
-"Safe" humiliation and emasculation (safe = controlled environment with no risk).
-Tease and Denial.
Those things really make me tick sexually but at the same time. What I choose to fantasize about in my free time usually involves many of these but often goes well beyond what I might actually want to do.
Things that I need to be happy:
-Trust/security (I know that if I do my part she won't abandon me)
-Subspace (it gives me inner peace)
Things that increase my subspace (sorry if any of these seem redundant):
-Inequality of power.
-The removal of "true" choice and freedom.
-Expectations of perfection and strict consequences.
-Having actions or activities forced upon me.
-Justifications for cruelty (e.g. this is for your own good, you can't control your penis, etc.).
These seem really easy to understand when I look at activities that I consciously enjoy and know turn me on. e.g. Being chained down to a bed by a Venus in Furs who teases my nipples.
However, it becomes more complicated when I look at activities that I don't don't enjoy (or even flat out dislike) but they give me some beneficial feelings in other ways. They tend to feed each other in a circular manner. In my last post I referenced pegging, forced feminization, and chastity. When I think of pegging in general, it doesn't do anything to me. The same goes for forced fem and chastity. If I incorporate a situation involving a dominant woman and circumstances surrounding each of those activities, it "does it" for me. I have experienced each of these things and found they held some positives and some negatives but pegging doesn't release that basic trigger in me like a Venus in Furs might.
I tried to look for the commonalities across all things, both the ones that I enjoy and the ones that I didn't and really only found one thing: A woman with the capacity and desire for cruelty.
It's not that I would want to be pegged again but I desire a woman that would peg me if she felt like it. It's not that I crave forced fem but I desire a woman that would make me dress up or face severe consequences. It's not that I crave chastity but I desire a woman that might force it upon me as a punishment or just because she felt like it. I don't like being spanked but I desire a woman that would spank me whenever she felt like it.
I don't know if this is the act or the idea of the act. Knowing that I don't crave the act but crave the potential that the act might happen regardless of what I want makes me a bit confused.
I'm starting to get a bit frustrated since I haven't come to an answer on this but when I envision a woman that does whatever she wants regardless of whether I like it or hate it I get turned on. Now I am realistic, love, trust, and subspace would have to be involved for me to feel happy and satisfied. I also doubt I could be happy with a Domme that was also an active member of PETA (I would rather her dress in fur and keep me in chastity than not wear it at all).
So... a fur-appreciating Mistress that loves me and enjoys doing things that put me into deep subspace is probably the greatest satisfaction I could hope for and I crave that more than I would any one activity.
But alas... this still doesn't really find the answers I was looking for. I will mull it over for the next few days.