Friday, April 1, 2011

A few minor ramblings

Sorry if this bleeds long... it's a week's worth of thoughts crammed into one post.

I know there are some other blog authors out there that feel this way, but I am curious as to what types of posts I have made (and will make in the future) that people who visit here like to read most.  I have looked at my blog traffic stats and they don't really yield much insight into it... my July 2010 post on anal plugs (which I'm not even "into") still leads all other post views by a wide margin, at 5000 views ahead of my April 2010 Sardax tribute and 6500 views more than my May 2010 Inescapable Contract post.  All other posts are 7000+ views behind that anal plugs post and the only recent one to make it into the top 5 was my Jan 2011 drawing inspired by MsMarie.

I have been debating re-posting a few of my older posts because I think they have value and merit but have been buried pretty far back.  I think I didn't break 5 followers until I had 40+ posts, so many of those original 40 that had a target audience have been long-forgotten.  When I first entered the blogging community I had a target audience (subs in the fledgling stages of introducing Femdom to their partners or those searching for Dommes) in mind but after spending countless hours typing comments on those blogs I realized quickly that the demographic had shunned me.  It's like they listened to my comments since I had lifestyle experience but didn't want anything to do with the other things I wrote since I labeled myself a sissy. 

The craziest thing that ended up happening in the long run was that it seems the majority of my readers that make comments are Dominants.  That is something that fills me with a deep sense of pride as a sub.

If anyone has any ideas for re-posts on any of my earlier writings that they would like to discuss please let me know.

I have realized over time that while I am able to exert a great deal of control over my depression, my Mistress's moods and actions towards me affect my ability to keep it under control.  When her behavior is erratic towards me, my depression starts to overwhelm me.  When her behavior is good to me, I am fine.  I'm not sure if I should feel weak because of this or if I should just accept that as okay.  I was an orphan given up by my biological parents and that is the primary root of my abandonment issues and I've always needed to feel loved to keep my craziness from spiraling out of control.  Femdom has seemingly been a godsend to me.  In my past relationships and earlier in my current relationship when I felt depression start rearing up I would just ask my Mistress to kick the dominance up a notch.  If her expectations of me got incredibly difficult to meet with failures swiftly punished and good performance acknowledged, my submission would calm the storm inside of me and any signs of depression would fade away.

I want to give a big Thank You to everyone that has shown me support during this down time of mine.  I really hope to be back up to a state of solid emotional health soon.  I miss reading blogs in depth and leaving comments on them.  Lately I just haven't been able to keep my heart calm enough to keep that up very well.  When I write a long comment I usually spend 40-150 minutes on it (sometimes having it span multiple sittings) and while there's many things I have wanted to say, the timing just hasn't worked out lately for anything but a few brief chirps here and there.  If you are accustomed to having me comment on your blog, I will hopefully be back in full capacity soon.

Now that I have at least a few drawings under my belt that I would rank as "decent," does anyone have a favorite type of drawing that I have done so far?  Sometimes when I'm just looking to practice it's hard to come up with ideas of things I really want to draw and I can do more with a certain style or idea if something floats your boat.  I'm currently working on a Femdom dream scenario fantasy drawing that is my most ambitious project yet in that it will have at least 6 characters pictured in it.  I know I'm taking a risk on time-wasting if it ends up turning out like crap but I'm willing to give it a go.  Each "person" in a drawing takes me somewhere between 40 minutes and 4 hours.  I tend to spend a lot more time drawing women than men as I'm more concerned that the women turn out looking good. 

I'm still sort of trying to figure out what types of drawings garner a positive response.  I was surprised no one commented on my Punishment Box drawing.  So far I have only had one drawing that turned out exactly how I wanted it to, and it was a practice portrait.

It's been nice having people message me through my chat box, thank you everyone.

Lastly, does anyone have any thoughts on the stuff in my post before this one?  Anything at all?  Like... "that's sexy" or "man your taste sucks"?  Although now that I think about it, those who have followed my blog for a long time probably just think it's predictably me.  I'm such a simpleton in that regards.  If I ever found myself single again it really wouldn't take much for a woman to exploit me pretty badly. 

Mistress and I rarely go shopping together anymore for her clothes and I think that's one of the things I miss the most.

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