While I don't get a lot of people contacting me, I find a large number of the ones that do are seeking a Domme and ask me about how to find one.
There are a couple of common characteristics I have found with these subs:
1. They have little to no real life D/s experience (that they haven't paid money for).
2. They have allowed their fantasies and fetishes to become over-developed before pursuing the lifestyle.
#1 is no big deal to me, everyone has to start somewhere, but #2 is crawling with problems.
As subs, especially before we have taken the plunge into the lifestyle there's usually a fairly long transitional process as we develop into submissives. It usually follows some sort of cycle of being very turned on by a non-traditional means and fantasizing about it, feeling fucked up about it and trying to make it go away, and after several iterations of the first two, finally coming to acceptance that this is something we don't want to live without.
If this process takes too long and is too intense (often assisted by fantasy-based fetish fiction) there's a tendency to develop a romanticized view of the D/s lifestyle and what their role will be within it, complete with theatrics and their perfect fantasy Domme. I generally try to steer them towards my tips for courting a Domme but this often falls on deaf ears (or blind eyes).
All subs would love to have this fantasy life. Those of us within the lifestyle have usually developed more reasonable expectations of it or managed to learn to crave what She enjoys. In this way subs that have a fetish for domestic servitude and performing unsupervised chores have a leg up on the competition (a whip-cracking task-Mistress standing over you while you clean the toilet isn't a reasonable expectation). Subs that have a thing for suffering on any level (mental, physical, emotional, sexual) are also pretty well-suited for the lifestyle although it can be difficult to find a demanding/cruel enough Domme to be a good fit.
Overall, there's a word for subs that have to have things the way they are in their fantasies: single. If it doesn't do anything for her, she probably won't do it. If you are out seeking a D/s relationship the best advice I can give is to try to keep your fantasies in check and make an effort to steer them towards things that make sense for her:
She will probably enjoy hurting you physically (without causing permanent damage).
She will probably want you to worship her body.
She will probably want you to perform domestic tasks.
She will probably want to do some tease & denial but she will probably expect your penis to perform for intercourse as well.
Assuming you are seeking a loving relationship, the above characteristics are probably a fairly safe assumption to make. For most things beyond that (chastity, feminization, pegging, torture, branding, etc.) it really becomes hit or miss and that is more of a good fit/bad fit situation.
It's not sexy, but fantasizing about yourself as someone worth talking to and being with is far more beneficial to your cause than fantasizing about being a naked slave sleeping outdoors in chains in a pile of your own feces unless you end up finding a Domme that wants to have an unemployed slave that doesn't really contribute to her personal life.
So, really, this kind of relationship sounds suspiciously like nominally Femdom focussed, but actually part-time boyfriend?
ReplyDeleteFur, when you say:
ReplyDelete"She will probably enjoy hurting you physically (without causing permanent damage).
She will probably want you to worship her body.
She will probably want you to perform domestic tasks.
She will probably want to do some tease & denial but she will probably expect your penis to perform for intercourse as well."
.....I think you're giving a very realistic round-up of the very minimum requirements demanded by most Doms. I'd have to disagree with Giles when he compares this to a "boyfriend" situation. With all of these requirements, the relationship is much more than "nominally" Femdom in nature, and I don't think there are too many boyfriends out there who would willingly and eagerly adhere to all of them.
More importantly, the fantasies of an inexperienced sub, as you point out, are usually so unrealistic that any sort of reality tends to fall short of his expectations, and usually results in an imbalance that is fatal for a budding relationship. He's disappointed that his fantasies are not being fulfilled, and she just bears his attempts at topping from the bottom until she gets sick of it.
I think that's why "start-ups" are so difficult. The process of replacing fantasy with reality is a rocky road, and often impossible to traverse.
Thank you, Lady Grey.
ReplyDeleteI think with many inexperienced subs, their fantasies are so far beyond reality that they completely fail in the courting process altogether and in other cases, I agree that it does sabotage the relationship from the start.
I think many subs want to have too many "strings attached" to the agreement. They want to be submissive as long as she does X to him. They want to follow her rules as long as she does Y. etc. It's easy to forget that she holds all the bargaining power. A more realistic view is to hope that she is willing to do (or enjoys doing) X and Y at some point and hoping it happens while being submissive and following rules. This is one of those things best negotiated before the relationship starts.
Giles, sort of. There aren't many Dommes that would be with a sub that isn't interesting as a person. I think both parties have to click on a normal human level in order for the relationship to work. A sub has to be able to function as a good person and boyfriend during times where the D/s dynamic isn't in effect and I think that is as important (if not more important) than being able to function as a sub when the D/s dynamic is in effect.
The idea of a full on 24/7 relationship exists in at least 75% of Femdom fantasies and less than 1% of Femdom D/s relationships.
Being intelligent, fun, courteous, and polite are good in their own right.
As always, Lady Grey seems to sum up everything being said within our observations.
ReplyDeleteA very well thought out post fur sissy. I have searched many years for another sub to enter My Realm; and have yet to find one serious enough to take up the commitment involved with a 24/7 life.
"managed to learn to crave what She enjoys. In this way subs that have a fetish for domestic servitude and performing unsupervised chores have a leg up on the competition (a whip-cracking task-Mistress standing over you while you clean the toilet isn't a reasonable expectation)."
Lady Grey's quotations of your post is a lovely summation and the quote above I must say this;
Male sexuality drives a submissive ideal. Completely different when a submissive male drives his own fantasy of serving.
Great post.
M
Thank you, Mistress Misty.
ReplyDeleteI can believe it is very difficult to find a sub that is truly well-suited for a 24/7 situation. While I could see myself "under the right circumstances" being able to surrender to a 24/7 lifestyle, it's the necessity of the "right circumstances" that ultimately points out why I am (probably) ill suited for that style of position.
That doesn't mean I won't change over time, but being able to free oneself from their specific desires in order to adhere to a submissive ideal is hard. While I'm sure there are many subs that advertise themselves as having "no strings attached," I'm guessing the reality of it for most of them doesn't quite live up to that standard.
I'm aware of my own strings but sadly, I know they are a weakness.
I generally advise subs that the less things they need and the more things they are willing to do, the better.
Take care.