Monday, September 22, 2014

Words of Caution

I've seen a good number of negative comments in the past month on a few blogs I follow and to anyone reading this I encourage you to avoid negativity towards the relationships of others without consideration for their relationship's frame of reference.

I think that most D/s relationships stem from 1 of 3 sources:
1.  The BDSM/Kink scene.  If you live in a metropolitan area, it's likely there exists one or more groups that provide regular meetings of a kink-themed nature.  These groups often serve as social networks for those with D/s interests with the common understanding of tolerance and discreetness.  Most BDSM groups have a fairly rigid set of rules about conduct, usually in place to protect subs from potential abuse. e.g. pre-negotiated activities, safe words, hard limits, etc. are expected to be obeyed or individuals may be ostracized from the community. 

Relationships that form in this environment generally promote mutual pleasure from shared/overlapping kinks. The rules of the community are generally represented and respected and are often considered the "right way of doing things."

2.  Discovered D/s. Discovered D/s happens when a relationship is formed on vanilla terms and at some point evolves into a D/s relationship.  This can happen in a variety of ways.

Discovered D/s is an interesting one because in most (but not all cases), one member's fantasies are often fairly extreme while the other is a novice just beginning to scrape the surface.  The way in which both parties educate themselves upon the lifestyle will often lead to the style and intensity of the relationship.  This often includes a mix and match of BDSM community morality and more intense activity, frequently in a "learn as we go" environment.

The trends in these relationships are for the Dommes to get more dominant and the subs to get more submissive as time goes on.  That being said, you will encounter couples in various stages of D/s ranging from mild to moderate to intense.

3. Negotiated Lifestyle D/s.  Negotiated D/s relationships are formed more similarly to BDSM scene relationships in that both parties enter into the relationship with roles and expectations in mind but differ in that the scene norms often will not apply to them in any way.  One party (generally the Domme) will have an idea of the intensity and activities they want and attempt to locate subs another who wishes for a similar arrangement. 

These relationships often evolve similarly to Discovered D/s relationships in the tendencies for Dommes to grow more dominant and subs to get more submissive, leading to changes in intensity levels over time.

Which type your relationship originated from will heavily influence your views on what is "right" and "wrong" in D/s relationships.  The "when" matters just as much.  I guess I just get a little bothered when people try to ignore these factors and judge.  There are ways to give constructive input, such as "I can see how you got there but you may want to consider...," but too often negative comments simply show just how different a place someone is coming from.

/end rant.


  1. I've had more than my share of those negative comments on my blog lately. It's very tedious to keep pointing out that the commenter is hardly qualified to judge the "morality" of another couple's relationship, or decisions reached in that relationship between the parties involved. Sometimes I wonder if it's worth bringing up these personal issues via a blog. It does open one up to all sorts of negative critiquing.

    On the other hand, good ideas often surface through blog comments, so - at least for now - it does seem worth the effort.

  2. Those comments got me a bit upset with some of the authors. For some, it feels like they jumped into a movie that is 2/3rds done and start saying what the main character should do next. I guess most of them do not understand that there are very few blogs out there that are true gems and making careful word choices in order to encourage, rather than discourage authors can go a long way.

    On some sad level it occasionally reads like "I came here to jerk off, not to think about things, and what I just read doesn't fit my fantasy."

    I would very much miss your blog if you were to stop, Lady Grey. I think it is a tremendous resource for other women who are just starting to find their dominance or wanting to take things to the next level. I believe they are your true target audience and the judgements of lowly, ignorant males can basically be ignored. I know that you have managed to touch the lives of others (e.g. Cleo and Marc before his passing) and you are one of the main reasons I continue to dwell here.

    Take care.