Saturday, June 28, 2014

Disturbing the submissive balance of Giver vs. Receiver

Before I took my hiatus I had written a bit about D/s relationships and balancing roles of giver and receiver for a successful relationship.

To briefly summarize:
A Domme has a balance of her enjoyment of giving (G) and receiving (R).
A Domme that predominantly enjoys doing things to her sub will lean more heavily towards G.
A Domme that predominantly enjoys having things done to/for her by her sub will lean more heavily towards R.
The balance can be displayed numerically in some examples:
50G/50R - A Domme that enjoys giving and receiving equally.
90G/10R - A Domme that strongly enjoys doing things to her sub and mildly enjoys having the sub do things for her.
33G/67R - A Domme that moderately enjoys doing things to her sub but more strongly enjoys having her sub do things for her.

A sub has a similar balance of giving and receiving.
A sub that predominantly enjoys doing things for/to his Mistress would lean more heavily towards G.
A sub that predominantly enjoys having things done to him by his Mistress would lean more heavily towards R.
subs thus have a similar balance of G/R.

A D/s relationship is most complimentary when the ratios of G/R for each party coincide, e.g. a 30G/70R Domme with a 70G/30R sub.  In these cases, the sub is less likely to annoy the Domme by trolling her for excess attention and the Domme is most likely to maximize her pleasure with a sub that will serve her to the extent that she desires.

I know this isn't a romantic way to look at things but from an objective standpoint it seems to make sense.

Something I've noticed over the years is that my own balance can change quite drastically within the moment (often to my own disappointment).  Rationally, I've always prided myself as being very service-oriented and it is possible for me to stay focused upon her needs most of the time.  If I had to rate myself I would probably say as a sub I am around 67G/33R as an average. There are other times where I'm feeling 95G/5R and completely focused and in a good submissive mindset when it can abruptly grind to a halt and transition to a less than appealing 1G/99R. 

In hindsight, these transitions are rather shameful.  The submissive pride I have towards being a strong service oriented submissive falters and leads to regret.  Upon further reflection, the primary factor triggering the transition seems to be when arousal becomes stimulation.  This is a very fine and very important line.  I root my own arousal at my sexual connection to submissive activities but there is a threshold where stimulated arousal brings upon a sudden shift to an uncontrolled "me me me, please don't stop" type of impulse. 

I know there are many Dommes that take pleasure in teasing their subs, treading the line between arousal and stimulation and twisting the result as they please.  In other cases, a Domme or sub may wish for intimate contact but not want to disturb the sub's existing G/R balance.  A chastity device can serve as a physical solution to this problem.  I tend to more strongly enjoy the psychological aspects of D/s and wanted to seek an alternate answer rooted in the mental and emotional sides of things.

The best idea I could come up with was fear.  I'm not talking about a basic "she'll get mad" type of fear, but deeply ingrained fear that shakes a sub to his core.  To be successful, the fear needs to be strong enough to subconsciously override the sub's selfish sexual impulses.  In this way the fear has to be somewhat on par with trauma.  If the G/R balance shift is punished severely enough, future occurrences could be prevented by having the sub impulse fear when stimulation reaches a point close to their threshold.  Basically, a Domme could inflict some psychological trauma upon a sub through punishment once in order to prevent it from happening again.

I'm sure there are people out there that would disagree with this method.  In many cases, subs are trained to rules through simple and rational deterrents and/or rewards. E.g. a sub may have an order to clean the bathroom. If they clean it poorly they will be spanked, if they clean it well, they will be rewarded with approval or beyond.  The sub can decide for themselves based on the pros and cons of the choices at hand.

However, the G/R balance shift is not a rational behavioral choice.  I do not choose to turn into something I do not wish to be as a result of stimulation.  It is not a behavior I am proud of nor do I have control over it.  If a sub wishes to rid themselves of it and their Domme holds the same desire, would it be wrong for them to undertake extreme measures?  While the idea of consensual trauma may seem strange, does that make it undesirable?

I know in some ways I probably try to romanticize the role of submissive too strongly in my head.  As the years go by my fantasies grow ever darker and more extreme in order to continually evolve my idea of the ideal submissive.  In most cases fantasy becomes less of what I might physically enjoy but more of the way I think it should be in a perfect D/s world.  I know deep down that I long to love and adore my Mistress but to be terrified of her as well.


  1. You seem to be favoring psychological fear over physical fear, and I'm unclear as to just what form that psychological fear takes - at least in your mind. It would have to be rather extreme, I'd guess, in order to offset what you describe as an unwanted reaction on your part that is very deeply rooted in your psyche. Could you be more explicit? What are you thinking about that would be so powerful a psychological deterrent?

  2. Thank you for the comments, Lady Grey. I will do my best to elaborate.

    I do think the fear must be based upon physical experience but to have it exist in such a way that it becomes psychological. Physical fear is very rational, but in these cases I do not believe the sub is thinking/behaving rationally.

    To reach the level of psychological deterrent I believe a Domme would have to push their sub through an extreme level of punishment... something a bit over the top that noticeably exceeds the sub's thresholds for punishment. The punishment could take on varying forms but physical punishment is probably the easiest to accomplish this with. Something along the lines of a very savage, severe beating associated with this type of offense could both establish an understanding of just how far the Domme can go and create a very deep, negative association with said behavior.

    Basically, a punishment so bad that a sub will NEVER forget it and make them react on instinct (rather than rational fear).

    I hope this helps.

  3. Yes, fur, that does clarify things, and I might add that personal experience enforces the correctness of the position you're taking. I don't often go to extremes in using various forms of corporal punishment with my husband, mainly because I no longer have to. An intelligent sub such as my husband invariably learns the lesson intended and is indeed psychologically carrying that lesson forward, thus avoiding the need for much replication of the punishment.

    However, and this is important, an occasional reminder has its value as well, as I'm sure you'd agree. Said reminder has a way of assuring a sub that his Dom is not getting complacent, nor should he.

    I'd hope that you're getting a bit of this reinforcement yourself:) Be well.

  4. Thank you, Lady Grey.

    I do agree with the value of reminders, even if they are unpleasant.

    Take care.