Blah Blah, Disclaimers, this is a series, etc. etc. There may be
some rehashing of stuff found in earlier parts. My apologies if this
seems redundant but it was answering a specific question.
A friend of mine asked me about tenderness in F/m relationships and I
think that is a really idea to write about as there seems to be a
perception that there isn’t the same kind of loving tenderness in F/m as
there is in M/f.
I understand completely where this perception comes from.
First and foremost, people outside of F/m don’t go looking for F/m
info or resources, they tend to “stumble upon” F/m content which may or
may not be representative of things as a whole. This generally ends up
being incidental porn or the occasional blog or blurb. When things are
forgettable, people tend to… forget them easily. People remember what
stands out and what stands out is often burned into their brain.
Basically, people who stumble upon F/m and remember it generally
remember something fairly extreme that falls well outside of their
comfort zone.
People remember the permanent chastity devices, the swollen and
bleeding marks from a flogger, the cuckolding humiliation, and the
like. These dynamics can often seem hateful, or at least, needlessly
cruel.
There are some dynamics out there where the Domme doesn’t respect the
sub. The sub is a tool to be used. The sub shouldn’t expect pleasure
as the Domme will most likely deny it. The Domme may displace the sub
in favor of a “more worthy” life partner but still keep the sub in two
to perform the mundane tasks. She doesn’t treat him as an equal. He is
treated more like a servant and probably ranks below a pet animal.
Yes, lifestyles like this do exist. They are a visible minority.
What gets lost when forming a judgment about these dynamics is that
the extreme lifestyle likely caters to the sub’s fetishes. He would not
allow this if he did not want it. He would not allow it to continue if
he did not enjoy it. In most of these cases it probably took the Domme
months or years to feel okay about it. At the start she most likely
felt devastated and like she was losing a partner. When you see these,
they are part of a slow evolution to getting there and both parties
agreed to it.
This doesn’t answer the question of the absence of tenderness, but it
does acknowledge that there are relationships where tenderness doesn’t
exist, just as you may come across M/s M/f situations where there is
very little, if any tenderness as well. It’s easy to write those off as
a minority when you are looking through a sea of M/f blogs. If I had
to make an estimate, the number of married F/m relationships where the
Domme has lost all respect for the sub as a man is probably less than 1%
of F/m. It probably makes up closer to 10-15% of F/m blogs.
Another factor that contributes to this is that there are so very few
F/m relationships with any dynamics that someone might describe as
“enabling.” You won’t find a slew of blogs where the sub leans on his
dominant for daily guidance and life structure. This just isn’t
tolerated much in F/m and so you really won’t find may references that
leave you thinking, “wow, what a caring dominant.”
The majority of F/m relationships have plenty of loving and tender
moments. There will be plenty of cuddling on the couching, binge
watching Netflix, date nights, and romance. The majority of F/m
relationships have D/s that ranges from bedroom only to mildly outside
of the bedroom. She might hold final say, like a head of household
relationship, but in most cases his input is expected and appreciated.
There are a lot of hours in the day and how important dynamics are at
any time may fluctuate greatly. At some times they will probably be
very important and a focal point. At other times they will probably be
very relaxed (even if respect or titles are still required). Those who
partake in 24/7 know that this doesn’t mean “dominance all the time,”
but it can mean “dominance at any time.” Most Dommes don’t wish to be
dominant more than makes sense, aka only as much as she enjoys to be.
When you think of where a loving life partner works its way into the
equation, you can be pretty certain (that for most people) there will be
far more tender times than cruel ones.
The relationships wher tenderness seems absent are a very small but visible minority.
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