An Intro to F/m – Part 6

It’s becoming harder to come up with things that contrast the differences between M/f and F/m… mostly because things aren’t really all that different as a whole when it comes to D/s, but partly because I’m feeling like I have knocked out a number of misconceptions already.
One that I haven’t confronted yet is role comfort.

While it is true that there is always an adjustment period for newer dominants and submissives accepting their choices of lifestyle, the adjustment is often very different with M/f and F/m.  By adjustment period I’m not referring to the learning curves of each role and the common pitfalls that befall them e.g. dominant guilt, sub frenzy, etc.  What I am referring to is the mental hurdles involved with accepting your identity as a dominant or submissive.

While feminism and awareness of other gender and sexuality-based prejudices has become the norm in modern society, the expectations of gender roles at home and in the bedroom tend to find odd balances.  While men are expected to be more in tune with their emotions and help around the house, their ideal form is still that of a manly-man that can take charge when needed and be the pillar of the home.  While women are expected to be independent and motivated, they pursue an idea of equality without ever really knowing what that is supposed to look like.

It is still deemed socially acceptable for a home to behave under a patriarchy and for the man to be head of household.  The feminist version is for their to be an equal balance of power and a “team effort” in steering the ship.

Sexually, while muscular and handsome remains the ideal male and along with the mainstream success of works like 50 Shades of Gray, it is pretty safe to say that idea of dominant manly-man/submissive woman in the bedroom is well within acceptable social bounds.

The end result is that with M/f people tend to be pretty comfortable with their role when they partake in this lifestyle (even if it does take them time to come to terms with the kinkier side of things).  In some cases there will be very little adjustment for D/s that moves beyond the bedroom walls.
If you notice, the socially acceptable options are patriarchy or equality.  There is no matriarchy option nor a long-standing reference towards a female head of household.  There is no sexual ideal of a woman taking charge in the bedroom and jumping a man’s bones.

The societal view of a sexually submissive male is that he is weak and pathetic (if not impotent, inferior, etc.).  The societal view of a man that wants to defer decision-making to his wife is that he is pussy-whipped and lacking backbone.  The societal view of a woman that wishes to take charge is that she is a selfish bitch.

F/m has a lot more layers that people have to work through to reach a comfort zone.  People have to buck the trends that a lifetime of conditioning and programming have instilled.  They often feel screwed up, broken, perverse, and the like, and this goes for both parties.

Dominant women tend to have an easier time accepting the role as society has granted them the freedom to be strong and aggressive.  They can also use logic to support their desire for dominance:  no one would argue with someone who simply says, “I like getting what I want.”  It still takes some time to get there.

Submissive men have the most difficult time finding comfort in their role.  There is nothing really out there that says that it is okay to be this way.  The associated guilt and shame often lead to fetish development, which makes accepting their needs even more difficult.  It is easier in today’s society to come out as gay than as submissive.

What this means is that when you find a couple that is obviously or openly F/m, you KNOW they are absolutely certain this is what they want.  They had to wade through decades of programming and societal expectations that do NOT cater to them.  They chose these roles and embraced them.

When I think about it, I believe this also plays into the idea that F/m relationships tend to be more intense as well.  It took a lot of work for them to get there and when they do, they jump in with both feet.