Tuesday, December 19, 2017

Thoughts on Worth

Originally Posted: 12/16/17

HeartsHope made a post the other day about being asked about her worth.  Both her and some comments made it seem that a lot of people struggle with this.

When K spotted the qualities of a submissive in me so many years ago, it was the product of years of gradual change as I found ways to cope with rejection and loneliness.

What is my worth?

It is easy for me to answer this question.  I will make someone feel more loved than they have ever felt before.  I will make someone laugh.  There will never be a shortage of things to talk about.  I always have something special to share, whether it be a book, a movie, a song, a restaurant, or anything else.  I always seek out the best version of something that I can find so that I can share the best version with the one I love.

As a sub, I will endure.  I am willing to be shaped, molded, regulated, and controlled. Everything that I do and think about will place her as the focus.  I will be anything and everything that she asks of me.  I want to make her smile.  I want to provide a life that she thinks about and feels lucky to have.  I do not mind feeling used, because use has value.

My worth is that I am willing to exist for her.

This is the way that I see my place in the world.  There is a catch to it all.  I require someone else to determine my worth.  A good bit of what makes me a semi-interesting person to interact with is the ways that I find to kill time when I am alone.  That being said, I find my time alone to be bearable at best, and miserable at worst.  At my core I do not feel that I have worth unless it is defined by someone else.

I am okay with this.  I do not feel that the type of “worth” that I feel is lesser because it is defined externally.  There are people who will tell me that I am wrong.  There are people who will look down upon me for feeling this way.  I am fine with this.  I have met partners that were okay with this too and loved to take advantage of my strengths in this way.

The byproduct of this that people rarely understand is that I am okay with only feeling as much worth as she allows.  I am okay being treated in a way that is consistent with the amount of worth she permits me in that moment.  It feels right.

This is my worth.

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