Tuesday, June 22, 2010

Doing What You Love vs. Doing What You Hate

The comments left on my cruelty fantasy analysis got me thinking about a few things in general... one of which was the contrast of doing what you love and doing what you hate when it comes to Femdom relationships.

Love and Hate for a male sub
Doing what you love is the reason that you entered into this lifestyle in the first place.  When you love it, you do it well, with complete fervor and dedication.  It brings enjoyment and you relish in the experience, craving future experiences that bring about similar feelings.

Doing what you hate is a bit more complicated with many subs.  Any sub that gets turned on by humiliation probably has a bit of duality here.  They have what they hate/hate and they have what the love/hate.

With a love/hate situation, the action is unpleasant but it brings about desired feelings and outcomes.  You may hate queening but love that it gets your Mistress off hard.  You may hate being humiliated in public but love the arousal of the experience.

With a hate/hate situation things are truly unpleasant.  Persevering through hate/hate scenarios does little to bring the sub pleasure but it serves the ulterior purpose of increasing submission and devotion.

What this means to Dommes
Anything a sub loves can be treated as a privilege, even if it's a mutual pleasure. 

Anything that a sub has a love/hate relationship with can be polarized and used against him.  By polarize, I mean to find a way to force it to be treated as a situation he loves or one that he truly hates.  If tilted towards love it can be treated as a privilege by having him admit that he loves it even if he doesn't want to and increase his level of submission.  A hate situation can be brought about by adding some additional factors to the scenario to make sure it's unpleasant for him.  In these cases it should increase submission and can be used for taunting by citing previous experiences where it got him off.

Hate/hate situations can probably be reserved for punishments or whenever you feel his attitude could use some adjustment.

Love and Hate for a Domme
Well, there isn't much that has to be said about things a Domme loves to do, except hopefully she has those activities available anytime she wants them.

It is inevitable that a Domme will have to do some things she hates every so often.  These may often include certain types of punishments that have an adverse effect on her life, such as withholding contact, withholding affection, severe corporal punishment, etc.  It is odd, but in these cases a Domme should perform the hated action with fervor and commitment.  If this is a punishment she should go at the punishment full throttle since he is more likely to remember how bad it was and anticipate it will be worse if it happens again in the future.  Basically, it can serve as a deterrent for his future behavior. 

If this isn't a punishment but if the hated activity is a form of reward for the sub (something he loves), there's usually a way to put a spin on it to twist it into a love/hate activity for the sub (or even a hate/hate activity).  A ruined or denied orgasm, intense humiliation, long-term denial or severe punishment in its aftermath, etc. come to mind.  This will make him less likely to request an activity the Domme hates in the future.


  1. Fur, you always have such insightful comments. Yes, being submissive is a mixed bag of doing things you love and hate... and they are quite often the same thing. In any relationship there is give and take. Even in a D/s one. Both parties have needs and desires they want to fulfill. For the submissive, I think there is a strong element of sacrifice. This takes many forms. It may be that we want to serve physically like doing the dishes and scrubbing the floor. Or sacrifice may come in the form of dignity, granting the power to be humiliated. Either way, I think your typical submissive wants to be loved and acknowledged. I know many guys that slave away in non-D/s relationships that are not happy. The problem is that they don't get the praise nor experience the intimacy of a D/s partnership D/s isn't the answer for most, but we all here have to admit we have tight relationships with it.

    To get back on track and tie it all back in, the subject it interesting because you bring up the idea of degrees of submission. Actions can be both hated and loved. To relate to that, I'll offer the act of a good old spanking:

    A spanking can be very erotic. It can be easily enjoyable by both Domme and sub. So to that 'end' it is a reward. The sensations, the feelings of submission, the intimacy f the interaction. There is a duality of pleasure and sacrifice on the sub's part.

    As it gets more intense, the pleasure fades away. What is left is purely sacrifice. To that end it is enriching at a different level. So to for the Domme I think. Here is a guy that is letting her turn his butt 20 shades of blue. I know from my experiences with Domina, the pleasure of the event at that point all goes to her. It's a rush to have such control and see a man accept pain out of nothing but love and respect.

    As always, I think the Domme has the hardest job here. She has to discover the borders of a subs love/hate threshold, know when to cross them and how far to epand the limits. And as odd as it would seem to a person that is totally not into this lifestyle, it's this intimacy and need for communication that makes so many of these relationships a success in my opinion.


  2. a,

    thank you very much for the comments. I enjoy reading your blog quite a bit.

    I agree completely about subs wanting to be loved and acknowledged, especially when it comes to a long-term relationship. It's like there's something inside that needs to be gratified to make the sacrifices meaningful.

    I agree as well about the Domme's job being harder. While she has the freedom of deciding when to do something and when to have things done for/to her, keeping a sub in the right kind of subspace is a challenge, especially in regards to manipulating that space to make him more or less submissive depending upon the situation.

    I wrote this post while thinking about the comments that were left on my "peek into my world" post. So many parts of this lifestyle have that bittersweet feeling for me. Going back to my earliest experiences, like being ordered to masturbate (without cumming) and having to beg to stop. What that did to me, mentally and emotionally, will never leave me.

    Similarly the way that dressing was introduced to me and used as a point of shame also became a huge turn-on to me over time.

    I think the Domme's ability to grant some pleasure and then twist it into discomfort (or a different type of pleasure) is one of the greatest skills there is and it is also quite challenging.

    Sometimes these new pleasures can catch a sub off guard. Several of my Mistresses have gotten extremely turned on when they would embarrass me and make me blush. Having them get turned on has always been a turn on for me, so at some point (and I didn't even realize it), being embarrassed and blushing started to turn me on.

    I think that ever developing pushing of the envelope and stretching of limits is really what helps take things to a deeper level of intimacy, love, and devotion. Both parties discover new pleasures along the way and it is very rewarding.