Some of the comments both on this blog and on other blogs I follow got me thinking a bit about the different styles and types of Femdom relationships you'll find. There's a kabillion flavors of Femdom relationships (and D/s relationships in general) and the more understanding there is of each type allows for greater understanding of types that might not be appealing to you, but that may be what others want or need.
1. Casual. This style of Femdom relationship often is limited only to the bedroom with kinky play or sexual activities where the woman behaves as the top. In these relationships there may be some D/s interaction outside of the bedroom but it is mostly limited to chivalrous behavior and/or chore duties, etc. In these relationships most of the D/s interaction has probably been pre-negotiated or explored together out of love for the other.
I believe this type covers the majority of existing Femdom D/s relationships.
2. Regular. This style of Femdom relationship usually reaches deeper into every-day life. You can expect some mild rituals and routines to be performed by the sub, but the sub still remains an autonomous individual that retains a public persona including a social life. The woman is always the top in the bedroom and her needs and wishes take priority in the course of their lives. The sub contributes a lot to the relationship on a personal level and it is usually a mutual understanding of needs and emotions that keeps things going. These relationships are usually pre-negotiated or mutually "grown to" between a couple with similar desires.
This is the last level that many people would consider emotionally healthy.
3. Intense. This style of Femdom relationship extends well beyond the bedroom and encompasses nearly every aspect of daily lives. The woman's wishes dictate the course of the relationship and the submissive is expected to make great sacrifices in order to meet her needs. He still retains a personal life but the extent of his freedom is often inconsistent depending upon her requirements and expectations at any given time. Rituals and routines are fairly common here. Most activities would fall into the realm of consent but occasionally they may press any limits on the sub's part.
4. 24-7. To start this off, I'll repeat my favorite definition of 24-7. 24-7 is not Femdom ALL the time, but it is Femdom at ANY time. This style of relationship is basically the same as #3 but kicked up a notch. In these cases the interaction behaviors are very similar but the submissive's life revolves around the demands of the Domme. His autonomy may vary greatly but in most cases it can be expected that he will be kept occupied with his daily duties that he has very little personal time left on most days. The sub retains the individual parts of himself but understands that his outside desires take a very back seat to everything else. In these relationships subs usually have very few limits and he can expect any that he does have to be regularly pressed.
5. Extreme. This level describes the most extreme levels of Femdom. This is where things like slave/Mistress relationships exist and a sub is willing to undergo any and all expectations the Domme may have of him. He likely has no personal life beyond his Domme (except possibly for a job) and doesn't have any expectations of pleasure beyond his D/s needs. She is his world and doesn't seek anything beyond this.
As with most subcultures, as the intensity builds the frequency declines. If I had to make an estimation, the breakdown of each category frequency would probably be something along the lines of:
1. 80%
2. 15%
3. 4.5%
4. 0.49%
5. 0.01%
I'm not going to judge any of these situations as right/wrong or superior/inferior. It's more that I acknowledge that they all exist in varying forms and that in most situations, both parties prefer the type of relationship they have and its intensity. If anything, I'd find that more submissive men would wish their relationship to be more intense than she does in most cases.
Seems like a pretty accurate breakdown, Fur. I think I'd give "Regular" a bit more of a percentage at the expense of "Casual", but that's just a guess of course. Also, the lines get blurred a bit depending on circumstances. I'd probably put my relationship with my husband at somewhere between #2 and #3 normally, but we're currently experiencing a lot of #4 and #5 for reasons you already know from following my blog. I think there's a good chance that many D/s relationships go back and forth to some extent.
ReplyDeleteThank you, Lady Grey.
ReplyDeleteYou may very well be right on the regular/casual trade off. I'm working from my experiences both on the web and attending local functions/munches/play parties. There's a pretty large number of people that tend to dabble or treat it like the kink should stay in the bedroom and that all activities should be consensual.
I wrote this as sort of a response to many of the comments I'd read to some of your more recent posts. There seems to be a mental block for some from the idea of greater consent vs. situational consent (which I will write about tonight). Lines become especially blurry when trying to enact a punishment on someone that is very submissive...
I also agree that most relationships shift, especially over a long period of time. My own relationship drifts between #1 and #2 but I've been in relationships that varied from #2 to #4.
I wish I would have had more time over the past few weeks to respond to some of the other people that have left comments on your blog but unfortunately I haven't had the time to write until now.