Redefining myself

It's hard to describe just what a difference I have felt emotionally since writing my post on the deep submissive.  It has completely changed the way I view myself and has made sense of much of the chaos that has cluttered my psyche for the past several years.

If you have read a decent number of my blog entries you'll find that I've never really been comfortable with being a sissy or being turned on by humiliation, etc.  By developing the idea of the deep submissive, everything really makes sense now.  Lady Grey was kind enough to provide the term "phantom fetish effect" for this and I think it describes it well.  The phantom fetish effect is basically when a sub gets turned on by the environment, symbolism, or atmosphere of an activity rather than by the activity itself.  An easy example is a sub that is not a masochist that gets turned on by being spanked not because of the pain but due to the intimacy, vulnerability, power exchange, and so on.

I finally feel like my sexual connection to forced feminization makes sense.  It is sort of like my "submissive uniform" and the more humiliating it is, the greater my sense of surrender, the deeper the subspace, and the stronger the arousal as it feeds the submissive loop.

I do feel a small sense of loss though, it seems by understanding it, some of the sting and stigma have faded from my psyche.  It's probably healthier this way but the sense of vulnerability that someone "knows my secret" is a bit less frightening now that I have rationalized it.  Basically, I think I was scared to call myself a sissy and I feel I have found the answer explaining that I am really not.  I have never aspired to be a woman, I don't have a feminine side, I find the idea of forced bi repulsing, and it just doesn't appeal to me beyond its psychological effects.

On the flip side, my sexual connection to it has not gone away, I just feel less burdened now that I understand it and can explain it.  That being said, I'm sure I could still be teased about it and feel shame, but the turmoil is gone.

If I had to call myself something now, it would probably be a deep submissive.