Wednesday, December 12, 2012

Thinking about "no"

I think part of why I tend to view D/s so differently than those who came in through the BDSM community ranks is that I'm not a big fan of being able to say no.  This stems heavily from a belief in meta-consent but also how my subspace responds in power exchange.

If a Domme orders you to do something and you can simply decline if it's something you don't like doing, this just doesn't sit right with me.  I tend to view from the standpoint of options:
1.  You say yes.
2a.  You say no but end up doing it anyway after some "encouragement."
2b.  You say no and end up doing something much worse than saying yes.

If Pavlovian conditioning exists, it doesn't take long for the sub to understand that "yes" is really the only good option.

That to me is the essence of power exchange.  It doesn't seem like D/s if you are only told to do things that you enjoy.  It doesn't seem like D/s if you can easily escape doing something you do not enjoy.  I view power as the ability to make someone do something they do not want to do.  By giving up power via power exchange you have given a Domme the right to make you do whatever she wants you to do (within reasonable boundaries).

I think this is why my subspace responds so strongly to being forced to do some things.  It thrives when "no" isn't a good option and makes the best of the situation.

Don't get me wrong, I think honesty and open communication are part of a healthy relationship, but when she has complete information and still chooses to wield this power it is very erotic.  


  1. I feel the same way - from the point of view of being in a permanent monogamous relationship, within reason, I don't really have the option to do much negotiation; my wife is the only dominatrix I have - and actually that sense of being trapped is rather pleasant.

  2. I agree. My husband Karl has never said "no" to a command from me, nor have I ever said "thank you" when he carries out said command. Keeping in mind that "commands" are not in play 24/7, and that it's quite clear to both of us when commands, rather than discussions, are appropriate, the power exchange would be damaged if a sub were allowed to choose whether or not to follow a command.

    "Control", as always, is the key, and the idea of a sub having the power to say "no" would simply nullify the concept of control. That, of course, seems ridiculous to me.

  3. Thank you, Lady Grey. I think a lot of people backlash at this idea since their imaginations run into crazy town and they come up with scenarios that are dangerous, stupid, illegal, etc. I believe that doesn't put a lot of faith in the Domme to keep things sane, even if commands get really demanding.

    I enjoy your view on the subject.

    Thanks, Giles.