I've been in a bit of a rut for a couple of weeks now and far removed from the mind-space that I usually write from. I've been thinking about why this is and what about it has caused me to tumble.
It was my birthday recently and it really shifted my life around a bit. I used to buy a lot of things. Over the past few years I've limited my consumerism to very basic things... food, daily use items such as deodorant, shampoo, tooth paste, gasoline, etc. Any time I have to start thinking about actually wanting something that is the first step in pulling me out of my more submissive self. Basically, I think I've trained myself to want very little... then when I have to want something it derails everything.
I've also noticed that I tend to get really down around my birthday most years. When looking back as to why... I think I'm finally starting to understand just why this tends to push me into a little bit of a depression. It's closely linked to why the D/s side of my relationship with T didn't work out as well as with K or F.
"Most years," my birthday leaves me feeling empty. I enjoy the company and attention it brings... but it seems to mostly reinforce that most of the time I feel pretty much unappreciated.
I do not need constant affirmation of each and every thing that I do. I do need to feel like... my existence... my body of work as a whole... the fact that I am there... is important and valued by someone. At some point in our relationship those feelings went away.
I know this is a bit selfish and probably undervalues the one day a year when I am told that I am special and appreciated. It just hurts that it makes the other 364 days stand out so much in contrast.
It is also odd that as a submissive, I completely enjoy celebrating a birthday for my Mistress. While each and every day I seek to make her feel like the world, it requires a significant amount of planning and effort to make her birthday a day that is more special and "worthy" of her. I would usually spend weeks working out gifts, guests, meals, and special activities centered around a 3-4 days span around her birthday.
I know in my role that I do not ever really feel worthy of anything like that... I guess I just miss feeling valued.