I've been in a bit of a rut for a couple of weeks now and far removed from the mind-space that I usually write from. I've been thinking about why this is and what about it has caused me to tumble.
It was my birthday recently and it really shifted my life around a bit. I used to buy a lot of things. Over the past few years I've limited my consumerism to very basic things... food, daily use items such as deodorant, shampoo, tooth paste, gasoline, etc. Any time I have to start thinking about actually wanting something that is the first step in pulling me out of my more submissive self. Basically, I think I've trained myself to want very little... then when I have to want something it derails everything.
I've also noticed that I tend to get really down around my birthday most years. When looking back as to why... I think I'm finally starting to understand just why this tends to push me into a little bit of a depression. It's closely linked to why the D/s side of my relationship with T didn't work out as well as with K or F.
"Most years," my birthday leaves me feeling empty. I enjoy the company and attention it brings... but it seems to mostly reinforce that most of the time I feel pretty much unappreciated.
I do not need constant affirmation of each and every thing that I do. I do need to feel like... my existence... my body of work as a whole... the fact that I am there... is important and valued by someone. At some point in our relationship those feelings went away.
I know this is a bit selfish and probably undervalues the one day a year when I am told that I am special and appreciated. It just hurts that it makes the other 364 days stand out so much in contrast.
It is also odd that as a submissive, I completely enjoy celebrating a birthday for my Mistress. While each and every day I seek to make her feel like the world, it requires a significant amount of planning and effort to make her birthday a day that is more special and "worthy" of her. I would usually spend weeks working out gifts, guests, meals, and special activities centered around a 3-4 days span around her birthday.
I know in my role that I do not ever really feel worthy of anything like that... I guess I just miss feeling valued.
Fur, you know from all the comments you get that you are certainly valued by many of us in the blogger world. I know that this can't compare to in-person appreciation, but this is just as real in its own way. I personally would feel an enormous sense of loss if, for instance, I knew that you weren't going to blog any more, and I'm certain that others feel the same way.
ReplyDeleteSo, Happy Birthday, dammit! If I were there, I'd be happy to give you the traditional birthday spanks that you so deserve. In lieu of that, please know how much your blogger friends care for you.
Thank you very much, Lady Grey, your words always mean a lot to me.
DeleteThe support from and interaction with those in the blogging community do make up an important part of my life.
I wanted to make a post at least letting people know why I haven't been writing.
Take care.
I totally second Lady Grey´s words!
ReplyDeleteFur this is an interesting reflection. I think what I've learned that loads of individuals have a hard time expressing how they feel about someone, even platonically. It's been my experience that when I express it more to others, I receive it back. Don't be afraid to ask for what you need but do know that you are valued, virtually and in your real life :)
ReplyDeleteThank you, Natali. Things are a bit tough as T's mood can make her shut down on occasion from her deeper feelings. I am frequently quite affectionate and open... but it happens less and less when the more frequent that those moods happen.
DeleteI guess it's just an odd one... in some of my previous D/s relationships I didn't need affirmation... our dynamics and interactions were enough to make me feel special. The past couple of years that has happened less and less in daily life.
Take care.
Once again Lady Grey has worded it so wonderfully. I beleive you are valued and looked up to by many more than myself. I am certain that you are making lasting inpressions both (virtualy and literaly) on lives that go un-thanked. I always look forward to reading your words. I hope that writing mindset returns soon.
ReplyDeleteThank you, Miss Lily.
DeleteIt is always nice to hear from you.
I hope that I get back into the writing mindset as well. I feel like I'm having to force the door down.
Well, I'm not sure I could give you birthday spankings, but I'd could probably make you a chocolate cake and eat it for you. :P
ReplyDeleteOkay, okay, I'd probably save you a bite.
It's nice to see you posting.
Thank you, Misty, but you know neither of us would be allowed to eat the cake :)
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