Wednesday, November 9, 2016

How this is changing me

On some levels I have to wonder if the lack of dynamics in real life actually push me farther down the rabbit hole.

Denying my submission is fruitless.  Manifesting it in ways that I can is potentially dangerous at the rate it can change me.

Dynamics eventually grow stale, but it takes a lot of trial and error, guessing and checking, and the like in a lifestyle situation to reach the point of stability and then time and repetition to make it feel stale.  As I remain limited to fantasy and writing fiction, I am finding that I naturally delve into some rather intense and deep/dark versions of the dynamics and scenarios.  The problem I see here is that my mind goes through them without stumbling.  There is no learning curve.  There is no checking in and mutual feedback to ensure things are progressing in a positive way.  All of that gets bypassed immediately into its final form... a form that can be scary enough that it might take five years to reach that in real life.

My brain takes me there in an instant and it doesn't take long for that to become stale.  It evolves.  The problem is that there isn't that process of growing and building... in fantasy it happens in leaps and bounds... it reaches the next plateau without the pleasure of the journey and the climb.

I terrify myself in some ways as to where this takes me and the speed with which it happens.


  1. Yes, this is a scary thing you describe here. What happens when you only fantasize of a very dark, evolved place, but even with a competant, willing, talented Mistress are unable to enjoy those fantasies?

    1. Thank you, Miss Lily.

      The fantasies are enjoyable, they just seem to push me down an interesting path... to even darker, more evolved places in my mind.

  2. Let's say that you pick up a mystery novel to read. The first chapter is riveting as it explores the basics of the mystery, and you can't wait to find out how it is resolved. Then you go directly to the final chapter and the mystery is resolved, but you left out all the middle stuff that gives depth and excitement to the process. Is that what you're going through? Jumping to the end of the fantasy and feeling empty? I find that very understandable. If there is no process to enjoy along the way, the ending will always be anticlimactic. Very frustrating, no?

    1. Thank you, Lady Grey.

      It's hard to describe but the jumping to the end and feeling empty is probably the best description. It is also a bit scary, feeling like I will lose out on a lot if/when things pick back up.

      It's sort of like... an idealized fantasy sort of bypasses the learning curve and brings you to a end point...
      In some ways the feelings are that of missing out on the reality of an evolving system... like reading a book where someone decides they want to get good at something and then fast-forwarding through all the practice and struggles to where things have been mastered.

      In other ways it's the lack of realism. There is always a learning curve that is part of the journey.

      Lastly, it's knowing that once the start/finish have been established as a fantasy, the next one will have to go even deeper.

      I know I'm probably not articulating myself very well here.

      Take care.