Saturday, March 11, 2017

I Encountered a new D/s Philosophy

I discovered a new Femdom blog that had roughly 50 posts with 0 comments over a two-year span.  I've found myself agreeing with the vast majority of the author's thoughts... like 95% or so. 

There is a recurring them that keeps popping up though, that doesn't quite sit right with me.  I had been able to avoid directly confronting it with the majority of the posts but finally reached one that left the topic unavoidable and I stopped.

It is rare that I have to spend a lot of time dealing with conflicting emotions when it comes to D/s.  I've done enough thinking, fleshing out of ideas, and philosophical discussion that I have a fairly good idea on my stance on many topics as well as what they would entail in a lifestyle situation. 

In this case it took me about a day to stew in my thoughts before I realized what didn't sit right with me.  It's not that I disagree with this person's desires/sentiments, it's more that I do not come across subs that would be able to fit this role.

The blogger seeks a loving monogamous D/s relationship.  The dynamics that they desire are rather intense: obedience without question or hesitation, full sexual control, full financial control, and a sub that is ultimately versatile and able to shift modes to whatever is needed, e.g. domestic service, romantic partner, whipping boy, etc.  There is one key point and this is the one that has me a bit stumped: they do not want to have any sort of punishment dynamic.  The sub should never need or want to be punished and should never require additional motivation to complete their tasks.

I've been going over things in my head trying to understand why my brain puts on the breaks when I read the strength of the words behind that latter part.   The first hang-up is a simple one: the sub should be a masochist as pain will be involved but only as play and not as punishment.  This removes those that do not desire pain but thrive under punishment dynamics.  I also do not know many masochists that thrive under the whole gambit of 24-7 submissive roles.  I'm sure some do, but in many cases their subspace has physical triggers.  There may be some remaining masochists that are equally drawn to psychologically driven subspace, but I find that subs that thrive under the psychological subspace to be rare in general, let alone ones that are also masochists that would enjoy non-punishment pain.

The second aspect that I struggle with is that this in many ways requires a unicorn (a mixture of ideals that rarely occur at the same time).  In an idealized sense, this probably most closely resembles the idealized version of FLR.  Unfortunately I have rarely if ever seen an idealized version of FLR and the majority of blogging I find on the subject pertaining to real world relationships is rooted in unhappiness with how the relationship fails to achieve its ideal.  The failing component at hand is that the vast majority of male subs are unable to maintain a perfect subspace that allows them to eagerly comply at all times by their own volition.  Life, fatigue, work, stress, mood fluctuations, sexual needs/desires, and so on introduce variables that can decimate the ideal:  I know how I WANT to feel, but it is not how I ACTUALLY feel.

If the naturally occurring subspace isn't deep enough, external factors can easily pull a sub out of space and into poor mental state that they do not wish to be in, but cannot get out of.  This is where a punishment dynamic comes into play.  A good sub will rarely require punishment (we will assume for this section that they are not a brat or masochist that will bait the Domme for pain play).  A good sub tries their best and feels guilty when they fail.  They try their hardest to keep their mind in the right state but sometimes they can't.  The existence of potential punishment creates an underlying dynamic that provides a boost in regards to subspace.  The awareness of the dynamic stacks on top of the sub's desired focus and pushes them into an even deeper state of passively maintained subspace.  While external stress may pull them up, in many cases will not pull them all the way out.

Is this necessary?  No.  Is this extremely helpful?  Yes.  It's not like a sub wants to fail, I just don't know many who can keep it up simply under the power of their own desire. 

To outline this in more basic terms, a sub that will thrive in this sort of lifestyle will most likely get an erection (and accompanying positive mental state) while doing the dishes, knowing that this is part of his submission.  Insert enough stress and the erection fades, as does the positive mental state leading to a decline in performance and guilt over said decline.  The presence of a punishment dynamic can restore the erection and pleasant mental state and steer a sub clear of several pitfalls. 

Something I have kept in mind through my reading is why does the poster feel this way?  I don't know for certain but the strength with which this ideal is stated leads me to believe that the rigidity of this belief has been tempered by a repeated number of submissives that seem to reside in some form of fantasy land where the Domme is some whip-cracking fetish Goddess that wishes to stand over their shoulder making sure the sub washes the dishes thoroughly.  While there may be one Domme in a million that wants to do that, the other 999,999 do not.  I could be wrong... but it tends to feel this way. 

The other aspect that comes to mind is that setting up consequences requires work.  Depending upon the Domme's temperament this can be seen as good or bad and in this case, bad.  In a way, it is like wanting to maintain a strict set of dynamics that are patrolled only by ideals and the sub's desires.  I'm just not sure if this is really possible to be sustainable in the long run.  Now that I think about it, it is this aspect that is probably what gives the most mental resistance out of all.

I also should note that I don't disagree with the author's ideals, I simply look at how that type of dynamic would be maintained over say... ten years.  I don't know many/any subs that would be able to thrive in such a scenario.  They may be out there, they are just rare. 


  1. Whenever I read any philosophy that has absolutes in it or a lot of very strict ideas, I tend to think that they come from someone with no experience (on either side of the slash).

    Because people can't live like that: you picked up on the 'no punishment' bit, but it's all of it.

    At best it might be manageable if someone has a 'meet a couple of times a month and role play at it' type relationship, but real life: nope.


    1. Thank you, Ferns.

      I try not to look at it too harshly if something exists as a long-run vision. Having both parties on the same page working towards a common goal is can make many things possible. I have known relationships that have grown far more extreme than I could have ever pictured... but it happened over a long period of time. I think that is where my greatest concern falls with this. It wants the end goal to be the beginning, and that makes it quite difficult.

      Take care.

    2. I'll second Fern's comments.
      Beware of dogma - nothing is absolute.