Thursday, June 22, 2017

A Dilemma

With the help of a friend I was finally able to channel a deep subspace the other day.  It was the good kind of space... the kind that I write my fiction from and have been struggling to find for a few months now.  Something jumped out at me from the experience and I have stumbled upon a dilemma.  Well, I'm not even sure it is a dilemma for me, but I do believe it might be for others.  It also causes a bit of conflict between what is "probably best" for me vs. what I believe would make me happy.

It feels incredibly strange to write this, but following the return of my traumatic memories, the people in the community that are closest to me have actually been too supportive and understanding as I have dealt with it all.  I have come to understand that my anxiety is what is capable of trapping me in very deep deep subspace (the state I originally interpreted a few years ago as slavespace).  When people build up the damaged parts of me, the anxiety subsides and limits the effectiveness of my previously existing triggers into subspace.

Basically, the more normal I feel, the harder it is for me to achieve the mental state I crave the most.

This became abundantly clear when I wrote a fantasy fiction piece based upon a picture.  When you interact enough with people that are kink-friendly it is easy to forget how the "rest of the world" feels about things.  Imagining the thoughts of strangers reminded me.  When I write fiction I completely immerse myself mentally in the scene.  Writing this scene brought back was the intense anxiety that used to be common to me whenever I spoke about my kinks and the like.

This gives rise to some odd questions.  To be the submissive that I want to be, I have to feel broken.  I have to have given up on myself to such an extent that I can shed my own desires and focus upon her.  In turn, this means that my ideal fit is not a relationship that repairs me and makes me feel good about myself.  As a submissive I function better if I feel completely screwed up and afraid.

To outside eyes I can picture someone reading this and being like, "Dude, WTF."  I crave a state that is emotionally unhealthy but peaceful and fulfilling in other ways.  I would seek someone that would keep me weak, make me dependent upon her for my sense of worth, and be completely at her mercy.  All of this makes me love her more. I have lived this before and know that it is true.

I do not know how K or F came to terms with this.  They found a way to do this without doubts or regret.  I have to wonder how large of a mental hurdle that was to clear.  If she treats me this way because she loves me, but her love makes her want to treat me differently... I can see how this could be a trap.

I don't really know, I'm just letting my thoughts spin.