I will never be enough. How could someone ever want someone like me?
These thoughts fall at the core of my being. They are the horrific reality that drives me.
Most people don't think this way. They have at some point had someone there for them, proving that they were okay. Proving that they were enough. Proving that they deserved happiness and the things they wanted. Proving that they could feel secure with themselves. All it takes is one to quiet the nagging doubts within.
Unfortunately the experiences of my vanilla self did not have this. Rather than proof, it simply added to the doubts. I am not pretty. I am too short. I don't project the right kind of confidence.
I have written before that in many ways the birth of my submissive self was heavily rooted within compensating for everything that I am not. I have strengths, but they never seemed to matter until I became a submissive. My strengths and desperation made me into a very good submissive. They made me enough to be chosen.
However, to this day I have never been chosen for who I am. When I am chosen it is because of who I am willing to be. I am willing to be anything and everything. I am willing to be nothing. I am good at this. This is what has made me acceptable.
I will act with effort. I will endure. I will improve. I will perfect. I will be broken. This is how I have learned to show love.
This is my identity. This is how I have come to accept myself. This is how I have come to like myself. This is where I have pride.
I have spent most of my life insecure and confused. As such, it becomes very important to me to understand myself. It becomes absolutely paramount for me to be able to adequately express who I am and what makes me tick. I crave labels because it gives a name to what I am. They validate me.
This is how I accept myself.
I am not enough unless I am willing to __________.