I know that I don’t
write a lot about the type of D/s dynamics that I crave. For some
reason I fear being judged over what drives my submissive mental space.
The dynamics I thrive under aren’t very popular at this time and it
seems that when I talk about them that I tend to get reminded of this
more so than opening the door up for conversation. This may just be my
insecurities speaking, but I do care what people think.
By most standards, what I crave comes close to M/s, but I still like to know that I am loved and appreciated and that my love is also appreciated. In the times like now when I struggle with my depression, I have a lot of trouble accessing subspace in the ways that I normally do. I believe that much of this has to do with my learned coping mechanisms. I tend to wall off my emotions a little bit so that I don’t feel as vulnerable or hurt as much when the thoughts in my head turn negative.
While some might think that coddling and extra emotional support would help in these times, this actually causes extra anxiety and I spiral downwards. I get down on myself for being unable to snap out of the depressed mental state. Being told that everything is okay makes me feel even worse about it.
In these times I respond better the harder that I am pressed with dominance. The thoughts in my brain have already devalued me and I feel at peace when I am treated in a way mirrors my own perceptions. Basically, being treated like I am lower and lesser feels right… and this can go to extremes. This is when things can cross over into the M/s realm. This is when I thrive on being dehumanized.
Ignore my feelings. How I feel is unimportant. All that matters is that I complete my tasks thoroughly and within acceptable time constraints. Remind me of this and the promises that I have made. I promised to obey and to please at all times, not only when I am feeling good. Pound this lesson home. Make it so that I desire nothing but the joy of service.
The harder I am pressed, the better it feels. Take away my name. Replace it with a number. Prohibit me from using “I” and “me.” Replace those with “it.” I am not an equal. What I want is not important. How I feel is not important. Keep me busy and occupied, free time is a bane of the mind. Make me earn my worth with excellence in service. Remind me of this. Squash the sense of self inside me that hurts. Press me harder. Push me lower. Take me deeper. I need nothing but to serve.
This is the harmony of my soul. When I feel this way, I find my heart open back up… and the love that I feel overwhelms me and spills over all of my life. This is my ultimate anti-depressant.
By most standards, what I crave comes close to M/s, but I still like to know that I am loved and appreciated and that my love is also appreciated. In the times like now when I struggle with my depression, I have a lot of trouble accessing subspace in the ways that I normally do. I believe that much of this has to do with my learned coping mechanisms. I tend to wall off my emotions a little bit so that I don’t feel as vulnerable or hurt as much when the thoughts in my head turn negative.
While some might think that coddling and extra emotional support would help in these times, this actually causes extra anxiety and I spiral downwards. I get down on myself for being unable to snap out of the depressed mental state. Being told that everything is okay makes me feel even worse about it.
In these times I respond better the harder that I am pressed with dominance. The thoughts in my brain have already devalued me and I feel at peace when I am treated in a way mirrors my own perceptions. Basically, being treated like I am lower and lesser feels right… and this can go to extremes. This is when things can cross over into the M/s realm. This is when I thrive on being dehumanized.
Ignore my feelings. How I feel is unimportant. All that matters is that I complete my tasks thoroughly and within acceptable time constraints. Remind me of this and the promises that I have made. I promised to obey and to please at all times, not only when I am feeling good. Pound this lesson home. Make it so that I desire nothing but the joy of service.
The harder I am pressed, the better it feels. Take away my name. Replace it with a number. Prohibit me from using “I” and “me.” Replace those with “it.” I am not an equal. What I want is not important. How I feel is not important. Keep me busy and occupied, free time is a bane of the mind. Make me earn my worth with excellence in service. Remind me of this. Squash the sense of self inside me that hurts. Press me harder. Push me lower. Take me deeper. I need nothing but to serve.
This is the harmony of my soul. When I feel this way, I find my heart open back up… and the love that I feel overwhelms me and spills over all of my life. This is my ultimate anti-depressant.
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