As a number of blogging
friends that I know are also currently experiencing depression, seasonal
or otherwise, I was asked to write on this topic. The person in
question went from basically… being horny and having many orgasms each
day to complete loss of desire that has lasted over a week. The
question they wanted answered was if the loss of desire was due to loss
of interest or depression.
The answer I have: It is depression.
I’ve been to more therapists than I can remember their names. One of
the questions they ask, often in the first 5-10 minutes of the first
meeting if you are feeling depressed is: how is your sex drive?
They ask this in couples therapy as well.
Loss of sex drive is one of the big tipoffs for many and it is especially noticeable when it involves a drastic change.
Since everyone has different things going on, I will just share how
my process works in regards to this as it may lead to some observations
that are applicable for others.
My own arousal is completely intertwined with feelings of
submission. I do not get aroused without being in or thinking about D/s
in some way. If I am aroused I am feeling submissive. If I am feeling
submissive I am aroused.
The first thing that makes me aware that I have depression setting in
is the inability for me to access my submissive mental space. For me,
feeling submissive is a state of ultimate vulnerability where my heart
is pulled to the surface and I am unable to avoid or hide my feelings.
As I have been dealing with depression for 30+ years and finally
found a sustainable means of coping in the past 10 years, I have come to
learn quite a bit about the process. I refer to the effects of my
depression as my “demons.” They are basically impulses, thoughts, and
feelings that creep into my head and begin to respond to random triggers
and fill me with an impulse of negativity and pain.
One of note was when a friend and I were at a restaurant (I was 20)
and she was coloring on the menu with a purple crayon and made a
reference to Harold. This was a reference to a children’s book that I
cherished from my youth, called Harold and the Purple Crayon. I
probably read it and had it read to me well over 100 times from the
ages of 2-4 and it carried with it many happy memories of the innocence
of youth and times where I was protected from the world that regularly
harmed me. I also remember when I was made to give it away at age 5. I
had planned to keep it forever and read it to my children. Taking it
away from me was a betrayal and it left me devastated (that same day I
was forced to give up a number of precious childhood keepsakes). This
event triggered me to relive the moments of lost innocence and it was a
pivotal moment in my life when sentimental value ceased to exist for
me. I relived feeling a part of my heart die and I was overwhelmed with
pain at realizing I hated being alive and carrying all of this pain.
While not every trigger is as strong as this one was, they happen
enough to make life… feel not good. I have since learned to “shrug off”
the impulses, but it doesn’t stop me from having them. During my
depression, this will happen anywhere from 1 to 200 times a day, with
the worse the depression is the more often it happens.
My coping mechanism is to try and keep myself busy and occupied.
Keep my brain thinking about unimportant things. These are the times
where I might watch 75 episodes of a TV or anime series in a week. In
turn, my heart closes off. My feelings dull and get numb. If I feel
anything, it is living vicariously through whatever I am doing or
watching.
As this happens, my sex drive shuts off. It’s not like I don’t want
to do intimate and sexual things, but it is that I am unable feel
vulnerable. When I am not vulnerable, I do not feel submissive.
Without feeling submissive, I do not get aroused. Without arousal I
have no sex drive. In times like now, where I do not have D/s in my day
to day home life it leaves me stuck and blocked.
That being said, my vulnerability can be forced open in the presence
of dominance. It requires an incredibly strict and harsh form of
dominance, but it can in fact rip down my walls and keep me in a
submissive and aroused state.
Hopefully this description will help them answer their question.
Wednesday, February 28, 2018
Fetlife D/s, BDSM, Kink Blogging Group
This summary is not available. Please
click here to view the post.
Friday, February 16, 2018
Erotica Short: A Quick Scene
Nothing really deep here, just a quickie little (hopefully) sexy fantasy written from a woman's point of view.
https://fursissy.wordpress.com/2018/02/16/erotica-short-a-quick-scene/
https://fursissy.wordpress.com/2018/02/16/erotica-short-a-quick-scene/
Wednesday, February 7, 2018
Sunday, January 28, 2018
Tuesday, January 16, 2018
I have completed fs01.
https://fursissy.wordpress.com/femdom-erotica/femdom-erotica-fs01/
The final chapter is 84. Overall word count ~254,000.
I have updated the links for Chapter 76 and beyond to link to the Wordpress blog.
I do not plan to post here anymore for the time being.
fs02 is in the works with two chapters completed and a slew of ideas on the way.
It will be here:
https://fursissy.wordpress.com/
The final chapter is 84. Overall word count ~254,000.
I have updated the links for Chapter 76 and beyond to link to the Wordpress blog.
I do not plan to post here anymore for the time being.
fs02 is in the works with two chapters completed and a slew of ideas on the way.
It will be here:
https://fursissy.wordpress.com/
Sunday, December 31, 2017
Moving to Wordpress
For the time being I will be moving to Wordpress. I do not plan to delete this blog and I may return to it at some point, but for now I will be moving forward there instead. I will still read/respond to comments left here.
On WP I have split things into two blogs, one of which covers personal posts and D/s and Femdom writing. The other is where I will host my erotica, drawings, and posts centered around fur and forced feminization.
Wordpress blogs can be followed through the Blogger reader. I have whipped up a step by step set of instructions if you are not familiar with the process and would like to keep following me.
From the Blogger Reading list, click the edit button:
Click Add:
Paste in the URL of the Wordpress Blog and click next:
The URLs are as follows:
For D/s, personal posts, etc.:
https://fcsyblog.wordpress.com/
For erotica, drawings, fur, and forced feminization:
https://fursissy.wordpress.com/
If you have any questions, feel free to contact me through the contact form.
On WP I have split things into two blogs, one of which covers personal posts and D/s and Femdom writing. The other is where I will host my erotica, drawings, and posts centered around fur and forced feminization.
Wordpress blogs can be followed through the Blogger reader. I have whipped up a step by step set of instructions if you are not familiar with the process and would like to keep following me.
From the Blogger Reading list, click the edit button:
Click Add:
Paste in the URL of the Wordpress Blog and click next:
For D/s, personal posts, etc.:
https://fcsyblog.wordpress.com/
For erotica, drawings, fur, and forced feminization:
https://fursissy.wordpress.com/
If you have any questions, feel free to contact me through the contact form.
Wednesday, December 27, 2017
Shifts in Fantasy
When my depression sets in I usually find myself blocked from accessing and maintaining the submissive mental space that I hold so dear. I can catch glimpses of it but the moments are fleeting and I cannot grab on and ride the feelings for any amount of time. Something else I notice is that to "get there," I have a natural shift in the types of fantasies my brain chases.
In normal times I can linger in a fantasy of a loving and warm, albeit strict form of lifestyle D/s. I crave the intimacy and personal connection. I long for the embrace of my soulmate and my heart flutters as I find my life's meaning through submission and service. This is my ultimate vulnerability and the words of my heart resonate deeply to my core.
As depression slowly erodes my feelings over time, I find the demons screaming at me, attacking my fears and weaknesses. The defenses around my heart activate and I feel things close off within. I know this is my coping mechanism. I know it is effective. My submissive self is still here and it suffers, unable to feel the way it should. When an idealized sense of love falls from its view, it continues searching.
It begins to pursue fantasies that exist within the darkness. Cruel. Harsh. Impersonal. These flash the glimpses that allow for submission under any circumstances. I cease thinking about myself as a life partner. I become something lesser. A slave. A prisoner. A servant. It does not matter who I am, it only matters what I do. I am an action. I am a service. I merely exist at someone else's beck and call. I have no choices. No freedom. No future. I am there, trapped by the moment, living moment to moment, day by day. There is no warmth or love waiting at the end of the trials. The best I can hope for is the absence of pain. I still want to love... I just do not expect to be loved.
Why do things turn so dark? Why is this the only way that I feel anything decent? Is this the manifestation of how I see myself? Or is this my inner submissive simply scrounging to be fed and it takes whatever crumbs it can get?
This is part of the cycle. In these times, it is the only way I can get off. I don't know how I should feel about that, or if I should just ride it, knowing that this is temporary.
In normal times I can linger in a fantasy of a loving and warm, albeit strict form of lifestyle D/s. I crave the intimacy and personal connection. I long for the embrace of my soulmate and my heart flutters as I find my life's meaning through submission and service. This is my ultimate vulnerability and the words of my heart resonate deeply to my core.
As depression slowly erodes my feelings over time, I find the demons screaming at me, attacking my fears and weaknesses. The defenses around my heart activate and I feel things close off within. I know this is my coping mechanism. I know it is effective. My submissive self is still here and it suffers, unable to feel the way it should. When an idealized sense of love falls from its view, it continues searching.
It begins to pursue fantasies that exist within the darkness. Cruel. Harsh. Impersonal. These flash the glimpses that allow for submission under any circumstances. I cease thinking about myself as a life partner. I become something lesser. A slave. A prisoner. A servant. It does not matter who I am, it only matters what I do. I am an action. I am a service. I merely exist at someone else's beck and call. I have no choices. No freedom. No future. I am there, trapped by the moment, living moment to moment, day by day. There is no warmth or love waiting at the end of the trials. The best I can hope for is the absence of pain. I still want to love... I just do not expect to be loved.
Why do things turn so dark? Why is this the only way that I feel anything decent? Is this the manifestation of how I see myself? Or is this my inner submissive simply scrounging to be fed and it takes whatever crumbs it can get?
This is part of the cycle. In these times, it is the only way I can get off. I don't know how I should feel about that, or if I should just ride it, knowing that this is temporary.
Failing
When I felt the depression creeping in I told myself that I would stay active. I would stay in touch. I would keep writing. I would keep chatting. I would keep reading. I would keep leaving comments.
Unfortunately I am not doing well with any of these original goals. I feel like I am falling off the planet, retreating into watching shows and reading so that I don't think about anything and don't feel anything. I am numb.
I do not have access to the feelings that sustain me and this is bothering me.
Unfortunately I am not doing well with any of these original goals. I feel like I am falling off the planet, retreating into watching shows and reading so that I don't think about anything and don't feel anything. I am numb.
I do not have access to the feelings that sustain me and this is bothering me.
Saturday, December 23, 2017
Thoughts on “submission as a gift” and leverage
Over the years I have often heard the phrase "submission is a gift," usually accompanied by a statement about how it should be "given freely." The idea that submission carries with it worth and is something special is very romantic. I consider this a noble sentiment that would hold true in a perfect world. However, in our very flawed world, this is only true for some.
In the F/m community there has been a rise in popularity of the idea that "dominance is a favor." That is, by giving the sub dominance, the dominant is giving the sub what they want and catering to their desires. While this has a lot of implications that go along with it, what stands out to me the most is that this diminishes the value of submission and increases the value of dominance.
The fact that both of these ideas have momentum in the community is a bit strange. The conflicting nature of the two has made me wonder quite a bit as to how both of these can exist. After thinking about it, the best answer I can come up with is: leverage and bargaining power.
The idea that submission is a gift that can be given or taken away is largely a M/f concept. Much of courting in M/f (and its related guides) revolves around the idea of dominants having to prove themselves as trustworthy, responsible, and deserving of a sub's submission. That is, the burden falls upon the man to convince the woman that she should choose him.
The idea that dominance is a favor that can be granted or taken away is pretty much only found in a limited (but growing) segment of F/m. While this idea mostly stems from married couples where D/s is instigated by the sub, there really aren't a lot of F/m resources out there and when some of the more popular resources out there take this stance, it is natural that many newer Dommes seeking resources to learn from also will adopt this mentality. When it is assumed that submission is something the sub wants to do, being permitted to submit is the sub getting their way, thus it is not a gift, but a selfish act. This idea doesn't get challenged very much because in F/m courting the numbers dictate that men have very little, if any, leverage. That is, the burden falls upon the man to convince the woman that she should choose him.
The underlying theme here is that women have options. They are free to choose. They will be courted. They must be impressed. They hold the leverage. To quote Venus in Furs, "Man is the one who desires, woman the one who is desired." Food for thought.
In my own views, I do not agree with either sentiment. I do not see submission as a gift. I do not see dominance as a favor. I see D/s as a symbiotic relationship where each part needs the other to exist in their role. You cannot have dominance without submission. You cannot have submission without dominance. I do make the lofty assumption that people should enjoy the role they choose. If that is the case, then the melding of mutual wants and needs is a favor or gift to neither. This combination is necessary for D/s to exist. It is a choice people make in pursuit of mutual happiness and fulfillment.
I don't think it is selfish to have desires. It is only selfish to pursue said desires without regard for the wants of the other.
This topic is again skewed heavily by the systems in place and the support behind them. The average BDSM guide is targeted at M/f and protects the sub behind its principles of consent and limits. It allows them to accept what they want/need and choose what they will not take part in. This gives the sub leverage, even if it conflicts with the ideal of what submission entails (e.g. relinquishing control).
When it comes to F/m, the guides may serve as a basic framework, but for the most part, they can be thrown out the window. Newer Dommes are encouraged to be selfish. They are taught to never cater to a sub's desires unless it is something that she also enjoys. Basically, she is to treat his desires as incidental or coincidental: if the sub's desires are met, it happens as a byproduct of something else or by random chance. The sub should accept these terms because he doesn't have options or leverage.
I find all of this interesting.
In the F/m community there has been a rise in popularity of the idea that "dominance is a favor." That is, by giving the sub dominance, the dominant is giving the sub what they want and catering to their desires. While this has a lot of implications that go along with it, what stands out to me the most is that this diminishes the value of submission and increases the value of dominance.
The fact that both of these ideas have momentum in the community is a bit strange. The conflicting nature of the two has made me wonder quite a bit as to how both of these can exist. After thinking about it, the best answer I can come up with is: leverage and bargaining power.
The idea that submission is a gift that can be given or taken away is largely a M/f concept. Much of courting in M/f (and its related guides) revolves around the idea of dominants having to prove themselves as trustworthy, responsible, and deserving of a sub's submission. That is, the burden falls upon the man to convince the woman that she should choose him.
The idea that dominance is a favor that can be granted or taken away is pretty much only found in a limited (but growing) segment of F/m. While this idea mostly stems from married couples where D/s is instigated by the sub, there really aren't a lot of F/m resources out there and when some of the more popular resources out there take this stance, it is natural that many newer Dommes seeking resources to learn from also will adopt this mentality. When it is assumed that submission is something the sub wants to do, being permitted to submit is the sub getting their way, thus it is not a gift, but a selfish act. This idea doesn't get challenged very much because in F/m courting the numbers dictate that men have very little, if any, leverage. That is, the burden falls upon the man to convince the woman that she should choose him.
The underlying theme here is that women have options. They are free to choose. They will be courted. They must be impressed. They hold the leverage. To quote Venus in Furs, "Man is the one who desires, woman the one who is desired." Food for thought.
In my own views, I do not agree with either sentiment. I do not see submission as a gift. I do not see dominance as a favor. I see D/s as a symbiotic relationship where each part needs the other to exist in their role. You cannot have dominance without submission. You cannot have submission without dominance. I do make the lofty assumption that people should enjoy the role they choose. If that is the case, then the melding of mutual wants and needs is a favor or gift to neither. This combination is necessary for D/s to exist. It is a choice people make in pursuit of mutual happiness and fulfillment.
I don't think it is selfish to have desires. It is only selfish to pursue said desires without regard for the wants of the other.
This topic is again skewed heavily by the systems in place and the support behind them. The average BDSM guide is targeted at M/f and protects the sub behind its principles of consent and limits. It allows them to accept what they want/need and choose what they will not take part in. This gives the sub leverage, even if it conflicts with the ideal of what submission entails (e.g. relinquishing control).
When it comes to F/m, the guides may serve as a basic framework, but for the most part, they can be thrown out the window. Newer Dommes are encouraged to be selfish. They are taught to never cater to a sub's desires unless it is something that she also enjoys. Basically, she is to treat his desires as incidental or coincidental: if the sub's desires are met, it happens as a byproduct of something else or by random chance. The sub should accept these terms because he doesn't have options or leverage.
I find all of this interesting.
Friday, December 22, 2017
December Chastity Failings 2017
Well, after several more attempts at devices (read as: money thrown away) I am on the verge of giving up with what is available at my disposal. The base ring size is giving me the most trouble. 50mm is too large. 45mm is too small. At the recommendation of a reader I purchased some of the moldable plastic that you can heat in water in order to make the 50mm ring a little bit smaller. with my first 2 attempts I used too much plastic, which caused a new pinch/rub point. My third attempt I used less plastic and the result was an excruciatingly painful nut crush as it slowly slid through the gap. I may give it another go in the future but right now it feels like I just can't win.
I have debated trying Plastidip... but I have read mixed things about its safety with long-term skin contact so I'm a bit wary. The last thing I would want is cancer of the junk caused by a chastity device.
After all of this I ended up going back to the CB-6000... which I already owned, before I set upon this year's repeated failures. It isn't comfortable, but it doesn't allow slip through nor does it have any rub points that will damage the skin. It's a bit frustrating though. Maybe 2018.
I have debated trying Plastidip... but I have read mixed things about its safety with long-term skin contact so I'm a bit wary. The last thing I would want is cancer of the junk caused by a chastity device.
After all of this I ended up going back to the CB-6000... which I already owned, before I set upon this year's repeated failures. It isn't comfortable, but it doesn't allow slip through nor does it have any rub points that will damage the skin. It's a bit frustrating though. Maybe 2018.
Tuesday, December 19, 2017
Thoughts on Dominance, Personality, and Domspace
I have been thinking a bit more about this lately as I am now facing the prospect of having to start my life over yet again.
A while ago I wrote about submissive mental space and about how that serves as the dividing line for many people that separates their submissive persona from their vanilla persona. This can get "blurry" when people have submissive vanilla personalities, but it is clear as day for those who have dominant vanilla personalities but are submissive when they hit subspace.
One of my great frustrations over the years has been when dominants scoff at the idea of submissive mental space. As this isn't meant to be a rant post, so I will simply state that I have encountered those that believe a sub should be submissive without reaching the mental space where their submissive persona resides.
Why I decided to leave with this idea is because I believe that most dominants have similar types of defined separation in their personalities. In fact, it is treated almost like this is mandatory.
When people talk about ideal traits of dominants, they mention things like emotional (self) control, consistency, emotional intelligence, nurturing, responsibility, etc. However, when people talk about having a naturally dominant personality, they think of alpha personalities that are often defined by motivation, take charge attitude, feeling entitled/deserving, strength, the ability to govern others, wants to get their way, and so on. Basically, the traits that make someone dominant (adjective) are not the traits that make someone a good dominant (noun).
I find it fascinating how much emphasis people put on being "naturally dominant." When people describe their Dom(me) they gush about how naturally dominant they are. When you see a Dom(me) peacocking for attention they will often advertise how naturally dominant they are.
I believe the true emphasis should be upon the "other traits," because without those, we don't know what we have. Someone can be demanding and controlling but without knowing more about them we have no clue if they are a bully, an abuser, a sociopath, a narcissist, a psychopath, or a loving and caring dominant.
This is one of the things that I find interesting about dominants. They have to balance the varying sides of themselves. They have a vanilla persona. They have their Domspace-driven dominant persona (read as: when being dominant turns them on). They have a caring, nurturing, and emotionally aware side that meshes with their dominant persona and acts as a regulator and guide for their dominance and protects their sub from true harm.
The funny thing about this is that the emotionally-rooted foundation of a Dom(me) is not part of what is found in the view of "natural dominance." These are learned behaviors gained through social interaction and placing value upon people and not learned by just dominating them in any way imaginable (if you have witnessed sports team or frat ritual hazing you know exactly what I mean). With this in mind, when I find myself complimenting a Dom(me) I almost want to say, "wow, how unnaturally dominant they are," although most people would probably take that as an insult.
Regardless is that I think it takes a special kind of person to be able to both hurt and love/nurture the one that they love.
A final oddity is that I think the majority of submissives are aware that it is being multi-dimensional that makes a dominant a good dominant yet I still come across many who think good submissives are meant to have only one persona. I'm not sure why that is.
A while ago I wrote about submissive mental space and about how that serves as the dividing line for many people that separates their submissive persona from their vanilla persona. This can get "blurry" when people have submissive vanilla personalities, but it is clear as day for those who have dominant vanilla personalities but are submissive when they hit subspace.
One of my great frustrations over the years has been when dominants scoff at the idea of submissive mental space. As this isn't meant to be a rant post, so I will simply state that I have encountered those that believe a sub should be submissive without reaching the mental space where their submissive persona resides.
Why I decided to leave with this idea is because I believe that most dominants have similar types of defined separation in their personalities. In fact, it is treated almost like this is mandatory.
When people talk about ideal traits of dominants, they mention things like emotional (self) control, consistency, emotional intelligence, nurturing, responsibility, etc. However, when people talk about having a naturally dominant personality, they think of alpha personalities that are often defined by motivation, take charge attitude, feeling entitled/deserving, strength, the ability to govern others, wants to get their way, and so on. Basically, the traits that make someone dominant (adjective) are not the traits that make someone a good dominant (noun).
I find it fascinating how much emphasis people put on being "naturally dominant." When people describe their Dom(me) they gush about how naturally dominant they are. When you see a Dom(me) peacocking for attention they will often advertise how naturally dominant they are.
I believe the true emphasis should be upon the "other traits," because without those, we don't know what we have. Someone can be demanding and controlling but without knowing more about them we have no clue if they are a bully, an abuser, a sociopath, a narcissist, a psychopath, or a loving and caring dominant.
This is one of the things that I find interesting about dominants. They have to balance the varying sides of themselves. They have a vanilla persona. They have their Domspace-driven dominant persona (read as: when being dominant turns them on). They have a caring, nurturing, and emotionally aware side that meshes with their dominant persona and acts as a regulator and guide for their dominance and protects their sub from true harm.
The funny thing about this is that the emotionally-rooted foundation of a Dom(me) is not part of what is found in the view of "natural dominance." These are learned behaviors gained through social interaction and placing value upon people and not learned by just dominating them in any way imaginable (if you have witnessed sports team or frat ritual hazing you know exactly what I mean). With this in mind, when I find myself complimenting a Dom(me) I almost want to say, "wow, how unnaturally dominant they are," although most people would probably take that as an insult.
Regardless is that I think it takes a special kind of person to be able to both hurt and love/nurture the one that they love.
A final oddity is that I think the majority of submissives are aware that it is being multi-dimensional that makes a dominant a good dominant yet I still come across many who think good submissives are meant to have only one persona. I'm not sure why that is.
It Ends
Originally Posted: 12/18/17
T and I called off our relationship yesterday. The split was amicable and a couple of years in the making. We are now roommates. There is no rush for either of us to move out as both of us find the arrangement to be mutually beneficial. She lost her sex drive a few years ago and over the past year or two she has lost any romantic feelings for me whatsoever.
I am feeling a bit numb. There is a twinge of hurt festering inside. There is also some relief. I had feared this would blow up in a bad way where I would have to be afraid of what she might do and the stress that would follow. When our lease expires we may still live together in a new place but we would have separate rooms. There are 5-6 months before any decisions have to be made on that front.
I am now, for the first time in 12+ years, single.
T and I called off our relationship yesterday. The split was amicable and a couple of years in the making. We are now roommates. There is no rush for either of us to move out as both of us find the arrangement to be mutually beneficial. She lost her sex drive a few years ago and over the past year or two she has lost any romantic feelings for me whatsoever.
I am feeling a bit numb. There is a twinge of hurt festering inside. There is also some relief. I had feared this would blow up in a bad way where I would have to be afraid of what she might do and the stress that would follow. When our lease expires we may still live together in a new place but we would have separate rooms. There are 5-6 months before any decisions have to be made on that front.
I am now, for the first time in 12+ years, single.
Thoughts on Worth
Originally Posted: 12/16/17
HeartsHope made a post the other day about being asked about her worth. Both her and some comments made it seem that a lot of people struggle with this.
When K spotted the qualities of a submissive in me so many years ago, it was the product of years of gradual change as I found ways to cope with rejection and loneliness.
What is my worth?
It is easy for me to answer this question. I will make someone feel more loved than they have ever felt before. I will make someone laugh. There will never be a shortage of things to talk about. I always have something special to share, whether it be a book, a movie, a song, a restaurant, or anything else. I always seek out the best version of something that I can find so that I can share the best version with the one I love.
As a sub, I will endure. I am willing to be shaped, molded, regulated, and controlled. Everything that I do and think about will place her as the focus. I will be anything and everything that she asks of me. I want to make her smile. I want to provide a life that she thinks about and feels lucky to have. I do not mind feeling used, because use has value.
My worth is that I am willing to exist for her.
This is the way that I see my place in the world. There is a catch to it all. I require someone else to determine my worth. A good bit of what makes me a semi-interesting person to interact with is the ways that I find to kill time when I am alone. That being said, I find my time alone to be bearable at best, and miserable at worst. At my core I do not feel that I have worth unless it is defined by someone else.
I am okay with this. I do not feel that the type of “worth” that I feel is lesser because it is defined externally. There are people who will tell me that I am wrong. There are people who will look down upon me for feeling this way. I am fine with this. I have met partners that were okay with this too and loved to take advantage of my strengths in this way.
The byproduct of this that people rarely understand is that I am okay with only feeling as much worth as she allows. I am okay being treated in a way that is consistent with the amount of worth she permits me in that moment. It feels right.
This is my worth.
HeartsHope made a post the other day about being asked about her worth. Both her and some comments made it seem that a lot of people struggle with this.
When K spotted the qualities of a submissive in me so many years ago, it was the product of years of gradual change as I found ways to cope with rejection and loneliness.
What is my worth?
It is easy for me to answer this question. I will make someone feel more loved than they have ever felt before. I will make someone laugh. There will never be a shortage of things to talk about. I always have something special to share, whether it be a book, a movie, a song, a restaurant, or anything else. I always seek out the best version of something that I can find so that I can share the best version with the one I love.
As a sub, I will endure. I am willing to be shaped, molded, regulated, and controlled. Everything that I do and think about will place her as the focus. I will be anything and everything that she asks of me. I want to make her smile. I want to provide a life that she thinks about and feels lucky to have. I do not mind feeling used, because use has value.
My worth is that I am willing to exist for her.
This is the way that I see my place in the world. There is a catch to it all. I require someone else to determine my worth. A good bit of what makes me a semi-interesting person to interact with is the ways that I find to kill time when I am alone. That being said, I find my time alone to be bearable at best, and miserable at worst. At my core I do not feel that I have worth unless it is defined by someone else.
I am okay with this. I do not feel that the type of “worth” that I feel is lesser because it is defined externally. There are people who will tell me that I am wrong. There are people who will look down upon me for feeling this way. I am fine with this. I have met partners that were okay with this too and loved to take advantage of my strengths in this way.
The byproduct of this that people rarely understand is that I am okay with only feeling as much worth as she allows. I am okay being treated in a way that is consistent with the amount of worth she permits me in that moment. It feels right.
This is my worth.
Friday, December 15, 2017
Socks... for Vanessa Chaland
I included a little blurb about socks in my last post and had a picture requested. They were sort of like these...
The pants I wear has an inseam that is slightly too long so they
realistically covered everything with the exception of a very brief
moment when I set my foot down while walking. Of course that was enough for someone to notice.
Wednesday, December 13, 2017
Thoughts on Exposure
Note: I had to write this in two sittings. I apologize if it lacks continuity.
I’ve always found it interesting how “being outed” is one of the biggest fears among those who partake in D/s. This fear is as old as D/s itself and dates back well before the days of image-matching and social media tags. For ease, I will ignore the potentially career-threatening ramifications of being exposed and merely look at it in the context of D/s when it is applied successfully.
From my own experiences, there are two types of exposure that stand out.
For a lot of us, being able to be our “true selves” and accepted by others is something we long for. We join kink communities and attend local events. We make friends with others in the scene because we crave their approval. We seek validation of our private selves. We want to know that “this is okay.”
The truth is that there is always some risk when opening ourselves up in this way. There is always some fear that they will think what we are into is “too freaky” and they will run away screaming and announce to everyone else what a fucked up pervert you really are. It’s sort of funny that even when people find it easy to admit, “I am a submissive,” or “I am a dominant,” only a handful are ever really brave enough to hang it all out there. I strongly admire the people that can be bluntly honest about their kinks and desires. That takes an incredible amount of courage.
Why is it so difficult for us to experience this? Realistically, why should we care what strangers or people we barely know think of us? What is truly important is what the people who are close to us think, and assuming that they already know about your hidden self, they already accept you. I believe that the fear we have about the reactions of the others does two things.
I find that these situations have two stages of anguish. The first is in anticipation of and actually experiencing their reaction. The second is wondering what will happen next. Will they ever speak to you again? Will you hear from others that they have been spreading your secret around? Will it show up immortalized on the internet and now linked to you forever?
It is strange how this can be so haunting when it happens with strangers. Assuming that they don’t take your photo that ends up as an internet meme, logic says that we should be able to shrug this off since it is someone that doesn’t know you and you will never see them again. However, insecurity tends to take over and the words, tone, and expressions of a total stranger may often remained burned into our memory. I believe this is because we unconsciously project their reactions as how the world at large would feel. If they think that of me, then EVERYONE else would think that too. It becomes an intensely powerful mirror where we see how we are seen.
It’s funny because for the most part, people are selfish. They are wrapped up in their own lives. Unless someone is close to you, they probably don’t really care what you do, who you are, and how it makes you feel. Fear interestingly magnifies our sense of self-importance.
That being said, you occasionally stumble across the rare individual that is absurdly perceptive of what is going on around them. I can remember on one occasion when I was ordered to wear socks with a hot pink stripe on them. I was wearing long pants and there was probably only a fraction of a second each time I took a step where they were visible in the slightest, yet while in a store…
“Is it laundry day?”
“Excuse me?”
“Nice socks.”
I wanted to run to my car and never be seen again. Instead I just stood there with a bright red face, unable to respond.
Interesting how that works, isn’t it?
I’ve always found it interesting how “being outed” is one of the biggest fears among those who partake in D/s. This fear is as old as D/s itself and dates back well before the days of image-matching and social media tags. For ease, I will ignore the potentially career-threatening ramifications of being exposed and merely look at it in the context of D/s when it is applied successfully.
From my own experiences, there are two types of exposure that stand out.
- Being “forced” to tell someone my deepest, darkest fantasies and secrets and being completely honest about them.
- Having my submissive self outed in front of other people outside of a kink-friendly environment.
For a lot of us, being able to be our “true selves” and accepted by others is something we long for. We join kink communities and attend local events. We make friends with others in the scene because we crave their approval. We seek validation of our private selves. We want to know that “this is okay.”
The truth is that there is always some risk when opening ourselves up in this way. There is always some fear that they will think what we are into is “too freaky” and they will run away screaming and announce to everyone else what a fucked up pervert you really are. It’s sort of funny that even when people find it easy to admit, “I am a submissive,” or “I am a dominant,” only a handful are ever really brave enough to hang it all out there. I strongly admire the people that can be bluntly honest about their kinks and desires. That takes an incredible amount of courage.
Why is it so difficult for us to experience this? Realistically, why should we care what strangers or people we barely know think of us? What is truly important is what the people who are close to us think, and assuming that they already know about your hidden self, they already accept you. I believe that the fear we have about the reactions of the others does two things.
- It establishes their baseline perception of us. They now see us as a deviant.
- It reinforces that this is our true identity. I now feel like a deviant.
- Completely unfiltered and cruel. They don’t care enough about us to hold it back.
- OR, completely masked with their true feelings completely hidden to us.
I find that these situations have two stages of anguish. The first is in anticipation of and actually experiencing their reaction. The second is wondering what will happen next. Will they ever speak to you again? Will you hear from others that they have been spreading your secret around? Will it show up immortalized on the internet and now linked to you forever?
It is strange how this can be so haunting when it happens with strangers. Assuming that they don’t take your photo that ends up as an internet meme, logic says that we should be able to shrug this off since it is someone that doesn’t know you and you will never see them again. However, insecurity tends to take over and the words, tone, and expressions of a total stranger may often remained burned into our memory. I believe this is because we unconsciously project their reactions as how the world at large would feel. If they think that of me, then EVERYONE else would think that too. It becomes an intensely powerful mirror where we see how we are seen.
It’s funny because for the most part, people are selfish. They are wrapped up in their own lives. Unless someone is close to you, they probably don’t really care what you do, who you are, and how it makes you feel. Fear interestingly magnifies our sense of self-importance.
That being said, you occasionally stumble across the rare individual that is absurdly perceptive of what is going on around them. I can remember on one occasion when I was ordered to wear socks with a hot pink stripe on them. I was wearing long pants and there was probably only a fraction of a second each time I took a step where they were visible in the slightest, yet while in a store…
“Is it laundry day?”
“Excuse me?”
“Nice socks.”
I wanted to run to my car and never be seen again. Instead I just stood there with a bright red face, unable to respond.
Interesting how that works, isn’t it?
Monday, December 11, 2017
An Intro to F/m – Part 8
8th part… scroll around to find the other 7. This is targeted at people who are new or familiar with M/f but not F/m.
I am making an actual disclaimer here. I am not a fan of Sexism in D/s. I do not believe in any way that any one gender is or should be dominant or submissive. I believe this is completely individual and no one is simply deserving of one role or the other by birth right. I have met shitty dominants and shitty submissives from both genders and good dominants and good submissives from both genders.
That being said, I’m going to talk about an idea that is often present in F/m but is not present in M/f. The idea has various names, although the terms female supremacy and female superiority are most common. As is probably obvious from the names, D/s relationships that rely upon this principle behave in a way to where women are treated with elevated status over men.
There are varying flavors of this sort of dynamic. You will find cases where people live with this as an actual belief. You will find cases where people behave as if this is true without believing in it, but they may maintain the illusion through dynamics. Some emphasize the elevation of women by treating them like Queens or Goddesses. Some emphasize the inferiority of men and look at them as lowly slaves. Some believe men should be submissive to all women. Others believe that only the “enlightened” women who embrace their superiority deserve this status.
The people who live in this way have varying means of justifying it. What is interesting is that it is not a mirror of the “men strong, women weak” justification you will sometimes find in M/f. No one is making the claim that women are physically more powerful than men. The claim they are making is that the characteristics of women make them more fit to rule because the traditionally “feminine” behavioral traits are morally superior. e.g. Cooperation over confrontation, emotional support over male shaming, nurturing and understanding over anger and physical violence, and so on. This is often accompanied by citing poor decision-making when males are aroused (so they should be kept chaste). In this way, they see the world as a better place when a woman controls her man.
Are there cases where this is true? Sure. You will also find many cases where men and women do not behave with their stereotypes.
If I had to wager, I would say that it is probably more common for people to behave this way under the illusion of female superiority rather than acting with true misandry. It is an interesting difference though if people have not been exposed to this before.
I am making an actual disclaimer here. I am not a fan of Sexism in D/s. I do not believe in any way that any one gender is or should be dominant or submissive. I believe this is completely individual and no one is simply deserving of one role or the other by birth right. I have met shitty dominants and shitty submissives from both genders and good dominants and good submissives from both genders.
That being said, I’m going to talk about an idea that is often present in F/m but is not present in M/f. The idea has various names, although the terms female supremacy and female superiority are most common. As is probably obvious from the names, D/s relationships that rely upon this principle behave in a way to where women are treated with elevated status over men.
There are varying flavors of this sort of dynamic. You will find cases where people live with this as an actual belief. You will find cases where people behave as if this is true without believing in it, but they may maintain the illusion through dynamics. Some emphasize the elevation of women by treating them like Queens or Goddesses. Some emphasize the inferiority of men and look at them as lowly slaves. Some believe men should be submissive to all women. Others believe that only the “enlightened” women who embrace their superiority deserve this status.
The people who live in this way have varying means of justifying it. What is interesting is that it is not a mirror of the “men strong, women weak” justification you will sometimes find in M/f. No one is making the claim that women are physically more powerful than men. The claim they are making is that the characteristics of women make them more fit to rule because the traditionally “feminine” behavioral traits are morally superior. e.g. Cooperation over confrontation, emotional support over male shaming, nurturing and understanding over anger and physical violence, and so on. This is often accompanied by citing poor decision-making when males are aroused (so they should be kept chaste). In this way, they see the world as a better place when a woman controls her man.
Are there cases where this is true? Sure. You will also find many cases where men and women do not behave with their stereotypes.
If I had to wager, I would say that it is probably more common for people to behave this way under the illusion of female superiority rather than acting with true misandry. It is an interesting difference though if people have not been exposed to this before.
Friday, December 8, 2017
Thoughts on Personal Acceptance
I will never be enough. How could someone ever want someone like me?
These thoughts fall at the core of my being. They are the horrific reality that drives me.
Most people don't think this way. They have at some point had someone there for them, proving that they were okay. Proving that they were enough. Proving that they deserved happiness and the things they wanted. Proving that they could feel secure with themselves. All it takes is one to quiet the nagging doubts within.
Unfortunately the experiences of my vanilla self did not have this. Rather than proof, it simply added to the doubts. I am not pretty. I am too short. I don't project the right kind of confidence.
I have written before that in many ways the birth of my submissive self was heavily rooted within compensating for everything that I am not. I have strengths, but they never seemed to matter until I became a submissive. My strengths and desperation made me into a very good submissive. They made me enough to be chosen.
However, to this day I have never been chosen for who I am. When I am chosen it is because of who I am willing to be. I am willing to be anything and everything. I am willing to be nothing. I am good at this. This is what has made me acceptable.
I will act with effort. I will endure. I will improve. I will perfect. I will be broken. This is how I have learned to show love.
This is my identity. This is how I have come to accept myself. This is how I have come to like myself. This is where I have pride.
I have spent most of my life insecure and confused. As such, it becomes very important to me to understand myself. It becomes absolutely paramount for me to be able to adequately express who I am and what makes me tick. I crave labels because it gives a name to what I am. They validate me.
This is how I accept myself.
I am not enough unless I am willing to __________.
These thoughts fall at the core of my being. They are the horrific reality that drives me.
Most people don't think this way. They have at some point had someone there for them, proving that they were okay. Proving that they were enough. Proving that they deserved happiness and the things they wanted. Proving that they could feel secure with themselves. All it takes is one to quiet the nagging doubts within.
Unfortunately the experiences of my vanilla self did not have this. Rather than proof, it simply added to the doubts. I am not pretty. I am too short. I don't project the right kind of confidence.
I have written before that in many ways the birth of my submissive self was heavily rooted within compensating for everything that I am not. I have strengths, but they never seemed to matter until I became a submissive. My strengths and desperation made me into a very good submissive. They made me enough to be chosen.
However, to this day I have never been chosen for who I am. When I am chosen it is because of who I am willing to be. I am willing to be anything and everything. I am willing to be nothing. I am good at this. This is what has made me acceptable.
I will act with effort. I will endure. I will improve. I will perfect. I will be broken. This is how I have learned to show love.
This is my identity. This is how I have come to accept myself. This is how I have come to like myself. This is where I have pride.
I have spent most of my life insecure and confused. As such, it becomes very important to me to understand myself. It becomes absolutely paramount for me to be able to adequately express who I am and what makes me tick. I crave labels because it gives a name to what I am. They validate me.
This is how I accept myself.
I am not enough unless I am willing to __________.
Thoughts on Kink vs. Submission
I received a comment on my last post
that has inspired me to write another post (which made me very happy).
The post that I am about to write is not meant to detract from the
views shared, it is merely something that set off a chain reaction of
thoughts that I will spew onto this page.
The comment separated the individual acts relating to submission and kink. e.g. bondage is kink while service is submission. I find this interesting because the idea of separation has become very common in recent years in certain circles but it was a notion that really didn’t exist until the past ~5 years or so.
When I started researching and learning about D/s in 2004, kink and submission (or kink and dominance) were seen as fairly inseparable. The community as a whole pretty much accepted that kink and D/s were intertwined and with one came the other.
Starting in around 2013 I began to notice a rise in people who associated with dynamics that intended to downplay the kinky aspects in favor of more “pure” motives. The first community that gained momentum on this front was the domestic discipline community. On numerous occasions I have encountered people that claim it isn’t sexual or about kinks and has nothing to do with sadism or masochism, but it is about authority and accountability. It feels like these claims are often made to prove how different (and usually morally superior) it is to practice this lifestyle in such a way. I don’t mean to go all negative on the DD crowd, but I have always struggled with this logic since for spanking to be consensual (which makes it non-abusive) and for people to choose to engage in such a lifestyle, there must be something they like/want/need about it.
I have no problems with people that choose to live their lives in this way. I do start to get wary when people choose to use those choices to judge others and/or use it as justification to make others feel inferior and/or to make themselves feel superior.
Since I first noticed this growing trend I began to see a similar type of thing happening in other communities as well, often creating new terms and names to differentiate themselves. In other cases, they took existing terms and arbitrarily changed the meaning to suit popular belief of the crowd adopting it (and yes, this is a pet peeve of mine). Head of Household, chastity practitioners, Taken in Hand, and FLR/WLM are some examples of other communities that seem to try to separate themselves from the kinky roots of the lifestyle.
On some levels I understand why people wish to do this. They want to a version of D/s that can be introduced to the mainstream. They want something that will shatter preconceptions and stereotypes and give a moral foundation for the lifestyle they choose to lead. In many ways I see this as an attempt to achieve feelings of normalcy.
That being said, the world is already fucked up enough. It is easier for a man to be publicly gay than submissive. In both cases that same man has to be wary that people may attempt to hurt them because of who they are. Personally I don’t think that the solution falls in making D/s seem more vanilla, I think it is in making people feel okay about being D/s and working for a more tolerant society that will accept our choices. I’m guessing at least one person will read that last sentence and think, “good luck, dude.” Will it happen easily? No. Is it possible? Yes. Look at how acceptable it has become to be kinky in the post 50 Shades era. The same thing that lifestylers want to grit their teeth about at what an awful portrayal of D/s that is, it did in fact accomplish something significant by providing a mainstream outlet that helped to slightly relax the anus of society at large.
I will also note that I have written and helped authors write a lot of material on how to “sell” the lifestyle to a vanilla partner. You talk up all of the merits that make it seem amazing and downplay anything that might make them freak out or storm off in disgust. I have sold “conversions” to vanilla friends with surprisingly good results. However, at its core, I know that I love this life because it gets me off (both physically and emotionally). I know that I am selling the least offensive and most attractive version of the product and this makes absolute sense when encountering someone who isn’t looking to buy it. However, when surrounded by a group of kink-aware, kink-friendly, and kink-embracing people, I am okay with revealing that I really just enjoy the hell out of it.
Changing gears a bit, I am going back to the idea of kink vs. submission. I will start with my own definitions.
Kink – a “not directly sexual” act or environment that leads to arousal. Basically, if it isn’t a naked body (or body part), intercourse, oral sex, stimulation by hand or toy, kissing, petting, etc. and it turns you on, it probably falls into the category of a kink.
Submission – the act of power exchange where you relinquish control/authority to another person.
When looking at it in this way, many things overlap between the two. They can be both kink and submission. There are also items that may be one or the other depending upon how the dominant feels about it.
It’s easiest to toy with some examples. If a Domme requires you to address her as Mistress, addressing her with the appropriate title becomes submission. If that act also turns you on, it is also a kink. If a Domme restrains you, allowing her to do so is submission. If it turns you on, it is also a kink. However, if you want her to restrain you or address her with a title and it turns you on but she doesn’t like that sort of thing, it is a kink and not submission.
This gives some idea of the “line” that defines them. If it turns the sub on, it is a kink. If the dominant wants it, it is submission. It can be both.
In all seriousness this also brings to light the double standard that exists towards submissives If the dominant wants it, it is dominance. If it turns the dominant on, it is dominance. No one really questions this or tries to come up with conditional statements to make some things okay and others not. I have never heard anyone ever say, “that isn’t dominance, it is a kink.” Do I think this is wrong? Not really, it is bound to happen when submissives vastly outnumber dominants and it gives the dominant the right to be as selective as they want to be.
Overall, when I give the advice for people to look at submission from more of a service standpoint, it is mostly to help them better understand what a dominant may be looking for. There are a huge number of subs that have loads and loads of kinks that the majority of dominants have no interest in. This doesn’t make it “wrong” for someone to be that way, it just means they are less likely to find a match because every “must have” kink reduces the number of potential partners. I don’t think this makes someone truly superior or inferior to another, it just makes them more likely or less likely to be noticed and chosen by a dominant.
As this is a “thoughts” post, I don’t really have a point to all of this… they are merely the thoughts that came rushing in regarding to this topic.
The comment separated the individual acts relating to submission and kink. e.g. bondage is kink while service is submission. I find this interesting because the idea of separation has become very common in recent years in certain circles but it was a notion that really didn’t exist until the past ~5 years or so.
When I started researching and learning about D/s in 2004, kink and submission (or kink and dominance) were seen as fairly inseparable. The community as a whole pretty much accepted that kink and D/s were intertwined and with one came the other.
Starting in around 2013 I began to notice a rise in people who associated with dynamics that intended to downplay the kinky aspects in favor of more “pure” motives. The first community that gained momentum on this front was the domestic discipline community. On numerous occasions I have encountered people that claim it isn’t sexual or about kinks and has nothing to do with sadism or masochism, but it is about authority and accountability. It feels like these claims are often made to prove how different (and usually morally superior) it is to practice this lifestyle in such a way. I don’t mean to go all negative on the DD crowd, but I have always struggled with this logic since for spanking to be consensual (which makes it non-abusive) and for people to choose to engage in such a lifestyle, there must be something they like/want/need about it.
I have no problems with people that choose to live their lives in this way. I do start to get wary when people choose to use those choices to judge others and/or use it as justification to make others feel inferior and/or to make themselves feel superior.
Since I first noticed this growing trend I began to see a similar type of thing happening in other communities as well, often creating new terms and names to differentiate themselves. In other cases, they took existing terms and arbitrarily changed the meaning to suit popular belief of the crowd adopting it (and yes, this is a pet peeve of mine). Head of Household, chastity practitioners, Taken in Hand, and FLR/WLM are some examples of other communities that seem to try to separate themselves from the kinky roots of the lifestyle.
On some levels I understand why people wish to do this. They want to a version of D/s that can be introduced to the mainstream. They want something that will shatter preconceptions and stereotypes and give a moral foundation for the lifestyle they choose to lead. In many ways I see this as an attempt to achieve feelings of normalcy.
That being said, the world is already fucked up enough. It is easier for a man to be publicly gay than submissive. In both cases that same man has to be wary that people may attempt to hurt them because of who they are. Personally I don’t think that the solution falls in making D/s seem more vanilla, I think it is in making people feel okay about being D/s and working for a more tolerant society that will accept our choices. I’m guessing at least one person will read that last sentence and think, “good luck, dude.” Will it happen easily? No. Is it possible? Yes. Look at how acceptable it has become to be kinky in the post 50 Shades era. The same thing that lifestylers want to grit their teeth about at what an awful portrayal of D/s that is, it did in fact accomplish something significant by providing a mainstream outlet that helped to slightly relax the anus of society at large.
I will also note that I have written and helped authors write a lot of material on how to “sell” the lifestyle to a vanilla partner. You talk up all of the merits that make it seem amazing and downplay anything that might make them freak out or storm off in disgust. I have sold “conversions” to vanilla friends with surprisingly good results. However, at its core, I know that I love this life because it gets me off (both physically and emotionally). I know that I am selling the least offensive and most attractive version of the product and this makes absolute sense when encountering someone who isn’t looking to buy it. However, when surrounded by a group of kink-aware, kink-friendly, and kink-embracing people, I am okay with revealing that I really just enjoy the hell out of it.
Changing gears a bit, I am going back to the idea of kink vs. submission. I will start with my own definitions.
Kink – a “not directly sexual” act or environment that leads to arousal. Basically, if it isn’t a naked body (or body part), intercourse, oral sex, stimulation by hand or toy, kissing, petting, etc. and it turns you on, it probably falls into the category of a kink.
Submission – the act of power exchange where you relinquish control/authority to another person.
When looking at it in this way, many things overlap between the two. They can be both kink and submission. There are also items that may be one or the other depending upon how the dominant feels about it.
It’s easiest to toy with some examples. If a Domme requires you to address her as Mistress, addressing her with the appropriate title becomes submission. If that act also turns you on, it is also a kink. If a Domme restrains you, allowing her to do so is submission. If it turns you on, it is also a kink. However, if you want her to restrain you or address her with a title and it turns you on but she doesn’t like that sort of thing, it is a kink and not submission.
This gives some idea of the “line” that defines them. If it turns the sub on, it is a kink. If the dominant wants it, it is submission. It can be both.
In all seriousness this also brings to light the double standard that exists towards submissives If the dominant wants it, it is dominance. If it turns the dominant on, it is dominance. No one really questions this or tries to come up with conditional statements to make some things okay and others not. I have never heard anyone ever say, “that isn’t dominance, it is a kink.” Do I think this is wrong? Not really, it is bound to happen when submissives vastly outnumber dominants and it gives the dominant the right to be as selective as they want to be.
Overall, when I give the advice for people to look at submission from more of a service standpoint, it is mostly to help them better understand what a dominant may be looking for. There are a huge number of subs that have loads and loads of kinks that the majority of dominants have no interest in. This doesn’t make it “wrong” for someone to be that way, it just means they are less likely to find a match because every “must have” kink reduces the number of potential partners. I don’t think this makes someone truly superior or inferior to another, it just makes them more likely or less likely to be noticed and chosen by a dominant.
As this is a “thoughts” post, I don’t really have a point to all of this… they are merely the thoughts that came rushing in regarding to this topic.
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