Friday, May 28, 2010

The Aftermath

Well, Tuesday evening we talked things through.  She told me she was prepared to end things.  I said that I wasn't willing to give up but things had to improve... quite a bit. 

When I got ripped into earlier in the day I got a bit defensive and said some things that were my true feelings but in a way that was meant to be a somewhat hurtful reality check.  I regret doing that but it seemed to get the gears turning.  She did some research on severe PMS symptoms and came up with this:

Basically, she exudes heavily nearly every symptom of premenstrual dysphoric disorder (PMDD) that starts about 4 days before her period and lasts until the day she has her period, where they completely vanish.  From our talk she had told me that this is how she had always been during PMS times and she never gave the severe impulses much thought until now.  This was a bit odd, considering that those impulses were often along the lines of killing someone, killing herself, wanting to beat the shit out of people (not in a BDSM way), binge eating, saying and doing hurtful things with the knowledge that they were hurtful, etc.

I'm a bit weirded out by this, but it makes sense.  At the same time, I'm not sure just how much things will change since it's mostly based upon her wanting to change or not and get treatment for PMDD, and so on.  I still feel a bit like I'm sitting on a bomb but at the same time this does indicate progress considering it's the first time my referencing PMS wasn't met with an immediate "fuck you" and some physical attack. 

Tuesday ended well.  Wednesday was decently good but ended early with her departure for work.

Today was, well... not as bad as Tuesday morning but things dropped off a bit.  She slept for 7 hours this morning until afternoon (~7:40am-2:40pm), then slept from ~4:00pm until ~7:30pm, then was almost dozing off from ~9:10-9:35pm.  She had to leave for work at 9:40pm and so I turned on the bright light in the room at 9:37 since she still had to get ready for work and this was the only way I felt was sure to get her up.  This was met with a scowl, some angry words, and I felt emotionally distanced from when she got up until she left for work.  Would I have been better off letting her be late for work or did I make the right choice and the outcome still sucks?

I'm not trying to over-react or be overly dramatic or anything with this, but it made my heart sink a bit.  I'll keep trying to work through things.

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