Hitting the Fan

Well, I started this blog about a month ago after a pretty major PMS-fueled fight I had with my Domme/Girlfriend.  There were a lot of things I needed to get off my chest and sort through both in my head and heart.  Basically, this was a forum for me to gather my thoughts and reaffirm my beliefs as a human, man, and submissive.  Over the past 6+ months she has been working 3rd shift 4+ nights a week and I'm a night owl that doesn't do well when having all the time in the world alone to stew in my thoughts and I ended up turning here.

We've been together nearly four years.  Communication got tough after the first year or so, but we managed to keep the wheels on although things almost derailed several times over that span even with things being fairly dysfunctional.  I have a way of adapting to whatever lifestyle I'm living and finding ways to outlet my time and emotions.  Over the past couple of years, the D/s nature of our lifestyle has deteriorated quite a bit and it's gotten to the point where we have maybe a month of "on" time during the summer and 1-2 weeks during the holidays for us to connect on that level.  During the rest of the year we seem to average one evening of "on" time every 4-6 weeks and a couple of hours here and there over that span.  Basically, we're sort of a vanilla couple with kinky play every so often but we entered into the relationship through the BDSM scene.

After the first 6 months we began to fight here and there, which is fairly normal for any relationship.  As time passed, that got to be a bit more common and revolving around common themes.  I found it very difficult to help steer the relationship down the correct path when any input for changes I could give was reacted to in a negative way.  At this point, I seemed to just kind of adapt and just "exist" in the relationship outside of the "on" times that we had.  Starting about 2 years ago the fights got more and more frequent and more and more extreme.  Disarming someone when they've gone into defensive mode is really tough to do and usually it was more a matter of waiting for her to not be mad anymore than it was to change things to avoid those same pitfalls.  Last year I started noticing trends in the fights.  They got more and more frequent... and pretty much we were having a major argument once a month.

For 3-4 days a month her behavior would go completely irrational and paranoid and she would fly off the handle at the drop of a hat.  After about 4 months of this I started noticing that we would fight horribly for a few days then she would get her period and things would be comfortable again.  I started marking the calendar at this point and noticed that, like clockwork, the fights would happen 3-4 days before her period was due.  Keep in mind I'm not some asshole guy who wants to blame all the flaws in women on their period.  I'm a very sensitive guy and I was searching for answers as to why I was on the receiving end of some heavy emotional abuse that was happening fairly regularly. 

In our relationship we both use the internet quite a bit.  We have an agreement to do whatever we want on there as long as it's nothing we "shouldn't" be doing.  About 18 months ago I got into an online situation I shouldn't have and she found it by digging through my browser history, emails, and chat logs (which also happened to be during a PMS time).  I know that I did something that was wrong and I shouldn't have.  She knows she violated my privacy by going through my computer and promised she wouldn't do that again.  I also promised not to do anything questionable. 

She regularly chats with Dommes, Doms, and subs and receives 30+ emails a day via adult networking sites.  Not once have I ever doubted her although I was honest with her that it hurt my feelings when she started looking at male subs for doggie-style sex and strap-on play.  I'm unable to get it up for doggie style (I can only get hard when I'm on bottom, being a top in doggie style just doesn't turn me on) and anal was on my list of hard limits when we first got together.  I offered a compromise of getting some kind of extension or male strap on for doggie style and I rescinded my hard limit, allowing her to violate me. 

This morning I awoke to a kick in the leg and accusations of "cheating" online with another woman.  I had only been asleep around 3 hours (I got to bed too late) and was very groggy.  This was a bit frustrating but I managed to assure her that there was nothing weird going on.  As I got ready to check my email I found my history was open and she had visited every blog and fetish-oriented site in my history and left it open so I would know she had done it.  This made me fairly angry and it led to another argument.  Oddly enough, but I checked the date and it's been 26 days since her last period.

Right now I'm not quite certain where I stand emotionally on things.  She wasn't angry that I had a blog and she saw from some of my posts just how unhappy and unfulfilled I've been.  She also knows that I can't talk to her about those things because it just leads to more arguments and hurt feelings when I try to be honest about how I'm feeling with her.  Her feelings were hurt that I didn't share it with her.  I figured that if she couldn't have a conversation about it in person without blowing up that it probably wouldn't go over very well by reading it either.

I don't really know how I feel.  I feel like my trust has been betrayed a bit.  It would be easy to say something here like "a sub shouldn't need privacy," but the reality of it is that our relationship is Femdom for around 50 total days a year and vanilla for around 315 days a year.  That's not to say that I don't do a lot of things for her.  Even though we don't live together, I cook about 80% of the meals, do most of the shopping, and babysit her son 20+ hours a week.  I don't complain when she has a night off and chooses to go out for drinks with co-workers rather than spending time with me and/or her son.  I don't complain when we go 70+ days without intimacy.

I just don't know if I can bear hanging onto this when I get attacked on a monthly basis to the point where I want to curl up and just cry.  I don't know if it's worth it anymore. 

The mix of sadness, distrust, and frustration are keeping me from having a clear head.