Tuesday, November 16, 2010

Courting Tips: Avoiding the Second Childhood

This is my first "real post" in quite a while... the first time my head has been clear enough to write something... :)

The "typical male fantasy" when it comes to Femdom often overwhelms newer Dommes, especially in cases where a vanilla wife/girlfriend discovers her lover is a closet submissive that wants her to be Dominant. 

One of the biggest negatives that women often face is the thought that she will have to do too much and have to work too hard in order to live up to what she feels he expects of her (and what may have been portrayed to her in fetish fiction, websites, etc.). One example of this is the thought that her independent equal will be reduced to a helpless, childlike state.  While there are Dommes out there that love to micro-manage or act as a cold-hearted slave-driver unleashing her inner prison guard, in my experiences these cases are quite rare.  In most cases, the thought of having to instruct her sub on how to dress, what to eat, when to go to the bathroom, watch over him to make sure his tasks are completed, etc. are probably laborious and tedious. 

One of the keys in maintaining a healthy, long-term relationship is to recognize how to balance autonomous action with control.

In many ways a sub may be very much like a child.  A few examples might be:
-Limited freedoms. 
-Rules to follow.
-Household chores.
-Rewards and punishments.

-A curfew or checking-in.
-An allowance.
-Must answer to an authority figure.

However, unlike children, subs shouldn't need a baby sitter.  A submissive is an adult that should be fully capable of functioning independently if needed, the only difference being the parameters of freedom.  Basically, they must behave responsibly like an adult but without the freedom of an adult.  This breaks down the common male fantasy in many ways but makes things more realistic to integrate into a lifestyle.  It is also what separates children from adults.

If a Domme orders the sub to clean the bathroom, she shouldn't need to oversee him or constantly check-up on him to make sure he is doing a good job and not screwing around (unless cracking the whip while he scrubs gets her off). 

I think this is one of the keys to maintaining most D/s relationships, especially ones that are in their infancy.  It's up to the sub to relinquish freedom while still maintaining a true level of responsibility.


  1. Yes! I think this is also true for shorter non-lifestyle sessions.

    I think the default assumption should be that the benefits to the mistress are practical and mundane. If she wants something different at times, she'll make that known.

  2. Thanks for writing, Giles.

    I agree with you.

  3. I found myself agreeing with what you were saying, and then I got to the next to last paragraph, and little warning bells started going off. As to this paragraph:

    "If a Domme orders the sub to clean the bathroom, she shouldn't need to oversee him or constantly check-up on him to make sure he is doing a good job and not screwing around (unless cracking the whip while he scrubs gets her off)."

    ...well, "yes" to the part before the parentheses, but as to the part within the parentheses, such a situation could well change things considerably. If she likes to crack the whip, will he be able to reach a stage of adult responsibility? What if BOTH of them like her to crack the whip while he scrubs? Is the sub then relinquishing freedom while still "maintaining a true level of responsibility"? Or is the Dom letting (or making) him retain aspects of childishness by whipping him to get him to do his job? Should she deprive herself of the pleasure of standing over him and whipping him, especially if he is also getting pleasure from it, just to make sure he's feeling more like an adult than a child?

    It gets a little complicated because of that parentheses, especially since you've referred to her as a "Domme", which implies that she's bought into the D/s dynamic at least to some extent (and makes her enjoyment of the whipping less far fetched). Would you agree, or is this completely beside the point? Should I just have taken Giles English's second paragraph to heart and assumed this is one of those "something different" things?

  4. Thank you for the comments, Lady Grey.

    This made me think things out a bit more as I had added the part within the parenthesis as an afterthought. Most of this post is targeted at potential subs with a bit to point out some warning signs to newer Dommes.

    What I was trying to convey overall is that:
    While there are Dommes that enjoy being in a sub's face and on top of everything at all times, these types are often rare beyond isolated scenes/play scenarios. A sub shouldn't expect the majority of women to enjoy micro-management and in most cases, they will want a sub that can behave autonomously when given a task/order and not have to ride their case like a nine year old that doesn't want to clean their room.

    If a sub that does want to avoid adult responsibility happens to find a woman that is a whip-cracker, he is quite lucky as this isn't usually the norm. From my experiences, most women would rather relax and have her dinner served to her rather than getting in his grill while he makes her dinner, only able to relax when it's finally done. Critiquing the hell out of the served meal is fair game :)

    As to answer each of your questions directly...

    If she likes to crack the whip I think it depends on whether or not he was able/willing to behave as an adult before they got together. If he is readily able, he probably can reach that level. If not, probably not. I don't know too many Dommes out there that would consider a sub that was unwilling to accept adult responsibilities.

    As for the next three questions, I think there probably is some "making" him retain aspects of childishness and this in turn can be a rather powerful psychological tool. If she can convince him that he needs her strict guiding hand to do anything well/adequately, she can wield a considerable amount of power over his emotional state. If they both enjoy this, that's a great match, but I think it's a more powerful psychological tool if only she enjoys it and he finds it demeaning to be treated like a child.

    To the next question, I don't think a Domme should ever deprive herself of pleasure when it comes to her sub. If need be, the lesson can be taught in different ways that doesn't infringe upon her pleasure.

    As for the last parts, I'm not quite sure what I would be agreeing or disagreeing with but it probably does fall into Giles' "something different" situation.

    A final thought I have towards this is to look at this scenario as I believe it contrasts different styles of Dommes:

    Some Dommes want shined shoes.
    Some Dommes want to watch him to shine her shoes.
    (This example refers to actual shoe shining and not a kinky shoe tongue bath or something of that nature)