Some recent comments by Lady Grey got me thinking a bit about Dommes and something came to mind that I thought was worthy of its own post. My apologies in advance if this basically comes off as the same thing as something else I wrote months ago. With the ups and downs that I've been through this past year it seems like a distant memory.
A lot of responsibility is put on the Domme to keep the kink rolling in a D/s relationship. I'm sure this can be frustrating at times for both parties. A lot about D/s dating/courting/relationships revolves around sub "fit," which is basically how compatible a Domme and sub are on a kink level.
When it comes to deeper types of submission I think a lot of the specifics can be ignored as the basic needs are more like themes and the right type of Domme will fill those needs regardless of what the specifics are.
I think every Domme has two primary parts to their D/s nature:
A. The part of the Domme that enjoys being dominant. This is the part of the Domme that gets off on doing things to a sub.
B. The part of the Domme that enjoys having a submissive. This is the part of the Domme that gets off on having a sub do things for her.
The type A part of a Domme probably most enjoys spanking/beating, mind fucking, bondage, tease & denial, limiting privileges, etc. Basically, she gets off on themes of power and control and wielding it over someone else.
The type B part of a Domme probably most enjoys being waited on hand & foot, receiving sexual pleasure, avoiding tedious chores/busywork, etc. In these cases she gets off on themes of being cherished and pampered. To simplify it even more, she goes for the displays of love and devotion in each action.
I do know that many of these activities could be classified as both, but I'm mainly getting at what part of each activity pleases her most. "Turn your Woman into a Femdom" advice/writings generally cater to type B.
Every Domme has at least some of each type but how they balance within a Domme differs greatly from person to person. In most D/s relationships (working from the distribution of intensities I wrote about in http://furcissy.blogspot.com/2011/01/styles-and-intensities-of-femdom.html), I would wager there is usually a 40A-60B split or greater in favor of B in most Dommes. I think a lot of that probably stems from the guilt factor that many Dommes have about what they do to and with subs, but mostly from the fact that there just aren't as many women that get aroused by being cruel to someone else. Because of this I think you'll find quite a few women who go as far as 10A-90B but VERY FEW women that would be 90A-10B.
If you are a Domme and aren't sure which type you lean towards, picture a naked sub prostrated at your feet and consider the following lines:
1. "I suffer for you because it pleases you. That makes me happy."
2. "I would do anything for you to please you. That makes me happy."
If you prefer 1, you probably lean to type A. If you prefer 2, you probably lean to type B.
I also realize a Domme may change her distributions over time, so when I make these statements, I mean them over the course of a year or so and they may shift from year to year.
Subs have a similar sort of personality mix:
a. The part of the sub that enjoys doing things for a Domme.
b. The part of a sub that enjoys having things done to him by a Domme.
A/b and B/a probably make up the best couples in the long run, but unfortunately, I would wager that there are more type a subs than type b subs. If there are truly more type B Dommes than type A Dommes, that means the largest group of subs has the smallest group of Dommes and vice versa.
In my opinion, it's best off for a sub seeking a Domme to be well-balanced (if not leaning heavily to type a).
I think that's a very useful analysis - essentially you've broken the relationship into "Play" and "Serve."
ReplyDeleteFrom experience, the Domme's B part - Service; the vanilla benefits of having a slave - also raises some moral issues for an inexperienced lady, but because all the kink is being acted out by the partner, they feel can less self conscious.
The A part - the playful aspect - requires the most overt kink. Could it be that it is as daunting for that reason as for any moral qualms?
Two positive things I've noticed that make the situation less bleak:
1. The service relationship can give the lady space and confidence to become playful - testing the water by being impish or flirtatious in quite vanilla ways, and then evolving into something kinkier and possibly nastier. (The famous Milgram Experiment demonstrates this in action.)
2. You can make service feel like play using props, most obviously a chastity belt. This also makes the sub a more vulnerable and tempting target for playfulness. You can do something similar with protocol and punishments, as long as it's logical and simple - initially presenting this as a quid pro quo for the service.
So, I suppose I recard service as a foot in the door. The rest is up to human nature, as long as you don't put barriers in the way.
Thank you, Giles.
ReplyDeleteI think there's a lot of women in the world that would love to have their B part catered to, vanilla or otherwise. It's kind of like the dream that no one thought could be true. A lover that will do the chores, attend to your needs, worship your body, please you sexually, etc.
I think it takes a bit of a natural disposition to develop a strong A part but it can be nurtured over time. A lot of that depends on the Domme's mentality towards it. Play might begin as a reward for good service or a punishment for poor service but may light a fire...